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This That And Frog Hair2: Friday's Funnies

Friday, August 18, 2006

Friday's Funnies



START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all







Bill's wife asked him to go to the video store and get 'Scent of
a Woman' the other day. She hit him over the head when he came
back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.
------

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and
hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our
kids' therapy.

--Michelle Pfeiffer
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our
sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
PHOENIX - A Chandler woman is facing $11,000 in fines and possible
jail time after telling Scottsdale police that she threw away 69
unpaid speeding tickets.

Francesca Cisneros told detectives she thought it was perfectly
fine to throw away the tickets mailed to her house.

Since March, the 32-year-old Cisneros was photographed 69
times on Scottsdale streets and the Loop 101 by Scottsdale's
speed-enforcement cameras.

Five of the citations were criminal speeding violations.

Cisneros also was caught once by a red-light camera, and she faces
two counts of driving on a suspended license.

All but five of her 69 speeding tickets were on the Loop 101;
her top speed was 86 mph.

A City Court judge released Cisneros on Thursday on a promise to
appear at a later date.




The butcher's boy had been dismissed for being lazy and talking
back. So he vowed to have his revenge that very next Saturday. Early
in the morning, when the shop was packed with people buying meat
for the weekend, he marched in, elbowed his way to the counter
and slapped down one very, dead cat.

"There you are, boss!" he called out cheerily. "That makes one
dozen even."
*************************
Common Sailing Terms...

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom
at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before
daylight.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the
side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four
directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical
discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from
the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and
'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower,
tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom for
the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way
across the boat.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous dis-
appearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his
boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that
results by not being able to.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down
charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of
the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where
you are sure you are not.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing
dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.

Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can't find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/ rigging
problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by ex- perienced
skippers.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while
going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually
with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they
did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down
yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek
god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

"Senator Joe Lieberman lost his own parties nomination yester-
day. He was beaten by new comer Ned Lamont. Or you might know him
as, 'Who?' Wasn't that Fred Sanford's son?" --Jay Leno

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

"President Bush is beating the August heat the same way he always
does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. This will be his
shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes
a full month, this time only ten days. I guess he's saving up
the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his
presidency." --Jimmy Kimmel

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should
look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four
rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary
about that person."
--P. J. O'Rourke

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

"The National Hobo Convention opened yesterday in Britt,
Iowa. Planned activities include a parade, a flea market and a
knife fight over a bottle of hooch." --Jay Leno




"A mild earthquake shook Mexico City. Fortunately no citizens
of Mexico City were hurt because they're all living in Los
Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife
and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts
that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like
our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military
forces. They are going to retire six over- aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear your mother
will be out of work."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he
created the Word.

And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God
separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said Let the
Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard
disks and compact disks.

And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put
floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.

And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big.
And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will
make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God
showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said; You can use all the
volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a
bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look
up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the
Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was
Good.

But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said
to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and
every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not
even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You
will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
mouse.

And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to
use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows
could replace it.

So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmers that it was good.

And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God
asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I
am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And
God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the
Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!

And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all
the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you
will always sell Windows.

And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will
disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use
lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.

And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you
will never be happy. All your programs will have errors. And you will
have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
secured it with a password.

GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT


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