Mo Sunday Funnies
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in
Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special.
When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would
sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell,"
the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
This guy that continually gains weight and is very sick and very fat. He
is always eating turkey right from the refrigerator. It keeps making him
sick and fatter but he can't stop.
His friends and family worry about him but he keeps on with his
addiction. Finally, after years of sickness, he stops and loses a lot of
weight and looks great.
His friends ask him how he did it. He says, "I quit cold
Joe had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home
crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly
awaiting her response. "Did she accept?"
"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Joe. "When I told her what you
advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get the hell out."
"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told
your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands
still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his
"Oh boy, dad, did I got it all wrong," Joe groaned. "I said, 'MY
Dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning,
which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I
regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate
that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with
the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any puppies, I
want to get one to give to my minister.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating
it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of
a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you
have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an
anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best
teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance,
self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you
wouldn't need if you stayed single."
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the
speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly
longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as
they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein
mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in
looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard
you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give
it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not?
Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and
jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful
rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question
about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone
in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat,
the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir,
the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur,
who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Suess Dr. Seuss's Lesser Known Books
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*** Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inchen
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We
have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from
sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a
problem?" the pastor inquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week
was difficult...However, we managed to abstain through
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
"However, the third week was miserable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way
with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at
Home Depot either."
A Hillbilly walks past a sign saying SAY NO TO CRACK and pulls his
Little Hillbilly Johnny-Lee asks his sister if she has started her period.
"Yes", quoth she, "how did you know?"
"Hmm, I knew dad's cock tasted funny!"
A taxidermist sits down in a bar in Kentucky. His obvious out-of-town
appearance stirs mistrust in a group of nearby hillbillies.
"What do you do, feller?" one of them asks.
"I stuff animals."
"Oh, he's one of us!"
How do you circumcise a Redneck?
Punch his sister in the jaw.
What's the definition of a virgin hillbilly?
A 12 year old girl who can run faster than her brothers!
What do you say to a girl from Kentucky?
What do you call a hillbilly in a suit?
Why did the hillbilly cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.
What does a hillbilly say after sex?
Get off me Pa, you're crushing my smokes
A man and his wife left Richmond, Virginia and set off for New York City.
They had called their relatives beforehand and told 'em they'd be up in two
days. Four days later they arrive in New York, the relatives say to them
"Why are you so late getting here?" The two replied, " We saw signs for
clean restrooms every 20 miles and we had to clean 30 before we even got to
Always remember these five important rules
when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and
line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to
two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A
blow job will usually do just fine. Or,
offer to cook him something that doesn't
have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate.
Microwave his remote on high power for 55
minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave
again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten
to not give him a blow job.
6. Use would, you or will you instead of
you'd better or do as I say and no one
will get hurt.
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.
Two farmers, farmer Bob and farmer Dan, are having beers in the local
bar. Farmer Bob is a younger man, somewhat new to the farming business.
Conversely, farmer Dan has been doing it for nearly 20 years and is the
most successful man in town.
After a few hours of drinking, farmer Bob gets up and says, "I'm gonna
go home to feed the beaver."
Farmer Dan asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Farmer Bob replies, "Well, my wife doesn't know about it, but I like to
use names of chores on the farm for having sex."
A few months later, farmer Bob's tractor breaks down. He's so
distraught, he decides to drown his sorrows at the local bar. After
sulking for a few hours, farmer Bob decides to return home. To his
surprise, he finds a brand new tractor in front of his house. He begins
to jump for joy. He runs inside to look for his wife.
Farmer Bob says to his wife, "Honey, where did this great tractor come
His wife replies, "Well, farmer Dan gave it to me. All I had to do was
handle his eggs, and milk his udder!"
Although born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always wanted to
be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go
through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester.
Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must
discuss my fee, It's $500."
"Holy Mother! $5,000!" exclaimed Colm , "That's a lot of money. How
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he
comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see
several doctors standing around his bed. "There's
been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm
afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to
perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina
instead of a penis."
"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never
experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not
"Jon Bon Jovi and I have a lot in common. Jon plays the guitar;
I like to play the guitar. Jon wears a leather jacket; I like
to wear a leather jacket. Jon Bon Jovi was one of the 50 most
beautiful people in People magazine; I like to read People
magazine." --John Kerry
At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was
reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian.
He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian,
and his sister was also valedictorian. He paused, leaned back in
his chair and said, "Looks like the end of an era!"
Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said,
"This may hurt a little, Doc...I don't have any money."
"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but
when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any
productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is:
'How can I get in on that?'" --Dave Barry
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but
clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them
up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between
his socks was a bottle of cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital.
Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus, doc,"
the man exclaimed, "what the hell happened? Where am I?" The doctor
replied, "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the
hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is
that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow." "Oh no," the
man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my
arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this..." "Now, son," said
the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you
a bionic arm. It only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works
just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."
"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a
Million bucks? I'm better off dead." "Hang on, now," said the doctor.
"We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came
up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It
looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that
this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the
arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one."
"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it
on." The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor
leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all
right?" "We think that the operation was a success," replied the
surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are
any problems with it." Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed,
practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up.
"Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to
the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was
really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.
He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the restroom. "Arm, reach down
and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my wang." The arm obeyed
flawlessly. The guy took a leak, and when he was done, he commanded,
"Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The
arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," said the guy, "that feels pretty
good... jerk it off."