Saturday Late Edition
On my first day at the gas station, I watched a co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly. "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?" "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at
the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her
mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came
back with another one."
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally
found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed
another man driving very slowly in the same direction,
and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you
going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very complicated. First
he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the
parking space and then at himself, his watch and the
mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms
upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to
the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were
married, you would've known that was the universal
sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for
If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker.
If he's bald in the back, he is a lover.
If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.
'Papa, are you growing taller all the time?'
'No my child. Why do you ask?'
" 'Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair.'
He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.
He's not baldheaded... he just has flesh-colored hair.
There's one proverb that really depresses him: 'Hair today, gone
tomorrow.' He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash. It's not
that he's baldheaded...he just has a tall face. There's one thing about
baldness... it's neat.
There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and
persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit
what hair you have.
He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble.
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound
sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled
hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the
ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both
neatly attired in clean white lab coats. The resident said to his
student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER
to suture a minor laceration. I was stitching away - wearing a tuxedo -
when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then
said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
You know you're in Arizona when...
-You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.
-You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
-You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.
-You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
-You see more irrigation water flowing down the street than there is in
the Salt River.
-You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
-You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
-You have to go to a fake beach for fake waves.
-You quickly discover (in July) that it only takes two fingers to drive
-You can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in the microwave.
-You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use
-You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
-You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
-Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
-You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila
Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and
-It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
moving on the streets.
-You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
-Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to
go to Circle K.
-Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will
actually buy them.
-Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than
the air inside.
-No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
-You can understand the reason for a town named "Why".
Q and A
Q. What's the best month to be in a parade?
Q. Who grants wishes for fish?
A. The fairy cod mother
Q. What can be served but not eaten?
A. A tennis ball
Q. What kind of stories does a ship captain tell his children? A. Ferry
Q. What do dogs eat at the cinema?
Q. Why did Mickey Mouse travel into space?
A. He was looking for Pluto
Q. What can go up and down without moving?
A. The temperature
Q. What do snakes do after they fight?
A. They hiss and make up
Many years ago, when my 9 year old daughter was 3, we went to
our usual Sunday morning church service. We were seated and waiting for
the service to begin, when this woman walked by us in a really bright,
gaudy dress. My husband, who never says anything about anyone, even made
a comment about how "loud" the dress was.
After the service was over, we were standing outside the church
chatting with another couple. I couldn't see my daughter and then I
noticed her standing right next to (practically on top of) the woman
with the dress.
When I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm trying to hear
this dress mom. Dad said it was really loud, but I haven't heard it make
a peep yet."
Everyone within earshot, with the exception of my husband and the
woman in the dress burst out laughing. My husband wanted to crawl in a
hole, and I have to say I never saw that particular dress worn again.
The City of Miami advertised for somebody to help rid their
city of a growing rat infestation. A man answered the ad and showed up,
guaranteeing that he could do the job, so he was put to work.
He started his efforts and opened a box and took out a green
rat. The rat ran all over the city and all of the pesky rats followed
him to an inlet near South Beach.
At the last minute, the green rat jumped aside and all of the
Miami's rats jumped into the inlet and drowned.
When the man went to collect his money, the Mayor said, "I want
to talk to you first."
The man said, "I don't want any bull, I want my money."
"No problem, you will get your money," replied the Mayor. "I want
to know if you have access to a little green Cuban!"
Two blondes are walking along the beach when a seagull comes
along and poops right on the head of one of them.
"Oh dear," she says. "I have bird poop on my head."
"Don't worry," says her friend. "I'll get a tissue...be right
"Don't bother, she says. "He'll be miles away by then."
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide.The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
Cyanide?"The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
How Vibrators Are Better Than Men!
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
They don't get tired after the first time
You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or ... that you
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV ... or Fishin'!
Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!!
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want
without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
You don't have to suck it.
It works "while" the sports games are on.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the
They never drink too much and embarrass you.
You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!
Safe sex without a rubber
Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is
Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!
They never ask how they were.
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to stroke its ego.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard
It has no problem finding the "g spot."
You know exactly where its been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a
young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that",
said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes,
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in
his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you
may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating
in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then." "And what
was that, my son?" "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong
and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father; but there's only one
problem." "What's that, my son?" "Well, I have three 55 gallon drums
full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting
married what am I supposed to do with it?"
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven
dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good
Nights," she went upstairs.
Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each
others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was
Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see
in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!"
and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's
taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse,"
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by
the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt,"
"skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and
the echo chorus went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the
Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone
coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the
next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me
too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his
mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch
them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny
disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did
you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks. "I learned how
to hang a door," Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do
that?" "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece
of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off
here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up." Johnny's mom
is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your
father gets home!!" Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I
understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom
how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks. "Well, first you
get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's
too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off
there and put the damn thing up". Dad screams, "That's it young man. You
go get a switch from the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says,
"screw you, that's the electrician's job!"
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked
by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board off the nearby fence,
wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "Young Forty Niners' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious
Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were." said the
reporter and writes in. "Little Oakland Raiders' Fan Rescues Friend From
Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in the
Bay Area was either for the Niners or the Raiders. What team do you root
for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little
Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."