White Trash Down and Dirty (R)ated
Make sure you have tissues handy.
Q. Why are there two Senators for each state?
A. Somebody's got to be the designated driver.
What's the definition of real disappointment?
Just when you get the rocks piled up, the cow walks off.
"In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for
publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer
because he claims he can get himself off." --Conan O'Brien
"In Germany, paramedics rescued this 40 year-old man who
got his manhood stuck in the vacuum cleaner. The man told authorities
his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual - he didn't
want any attachments. " --Jay Leno
People say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know
anybody who rested to death?
Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.
A man asked the little boy, "Do you want a cocker
The little boy thought for a moment and said, "I think
I'll take the spaniel."
A hippy was seen crawling down some railway tracks.
When asked if there was a problem, he said, "yeah man,
can you help me off this ladder!"
You know you've had a good blow job when...
You have to pull the sheets out of your butt when she is done. Your
pecker has the dry heaves for three days afterward.
Q. What is the definition of a smart ass?
A. Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it
The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe without
knowing the combination; in Georgia it's an AIDS-free white girl on the
When NASA puts 20 head of cattle into outer space, it will
be the first herd shot around the world.
Yo momma so poor she goes into Macdonald's and puts a small fry on
"I discovered that I scream the same way, whether I'm about to be
devoured by a great white, or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
- Axl Rose
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for
mayor, "Your former secretary said publicly that you have a small penis.
. . .Would you please comment on this?" "The truth really is," replied
the politician, "That she has a big mouth."
Frustration: Being 23d in line for a gangbang and finding out it is your
Decker wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his coworkers were
continually ribbing him at the factory. One in particular, Gus, would
greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
"Say, Decker, you seen Ben?"
"Ben' down and kiss my ass!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Decker confided in his
more worldly brother, who said, "Listen. Next time you see this guy, ask
him if he's seen Eileen. He'll ask, 'Eileen who?' and you say, 'I lean
over and you kiss my butt!'"
Memorizing his lines, Decker went to the work early to wait for Gus. As
soon as the bully arrived, Decker ran over.
"Hey Gus, you seen Eileen?"
"No," Gus answered, "she ran off with Ben."
Decker frowned. "Ben who?"
Over near England is a very little island, called the Isle of Man, and a
very peculiar thing about the people, on this island is, that they don't
believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they can't keep
horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly called an ass. Some
have just ordinary asses that you wouldn't look at twice, others have
extraordinary asses. The mayor has an ass that nobody looks at twice,
but his wife has a beautiful ass. People who really know asses say that
she has one of the finest asses that they have ever seen. Men often stop
her on the way to the market to pat her ass. On Sunday they all go to
church on their asses. Sometimes the girls ride the boys asses and
sometimes the boys ride the girls asses. Now of this particular Sunday
the preacher had to leave immediately following the sermon so he thought
he better have it handy, so he tied his ass just outside the window.
During the service a fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass.
The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but
there was a big hole and he fell into it. Which goes to show that even a
preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market
one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The
merchant said that they were four for a dollar. The
nuns said agreed to purchase four. The puzzled
merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when
there were only three of them. A nun answered back,
"Well, we could always eat one."
Lucy went to college. However, she really worried her folks because all
she ever wrote home about was boys and good times.
Her mother decided to have a serious talk with Lucy when she
came home for a weekend. The mother started out by saying, "Now, dear,
if you are only going to college to find a husband, it certainly will be
"Yes, I know, Mom," said Lucy, "but what a supermarket. "
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To god she would pray
To lengthen and stregthen and thicken 'em.
With scars on his wrinkly skin,
Wide gaps in his slobbery grin
And three warts on his nose,
But with good taste in clothes,
He models apparel for men.
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of
her eight-year-old students. Taking him aside
after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny,
why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see
how silly that is? It's true that I would like
a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly,
"I'll use a rubber!"
A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
Weird Fact :
A peanut isn't a nut it is a legume. A peanut is a member of the pea family.
The thing I really miss about my old job is the great group of
guys we had in maintenance and the tricks we played on each other
when all of our machines were running and we were bored. One of
my favorite ones took me all of about ten seconds to do. Todd
always changed from jogging shoes to his steel toed boots when
he got there and changed back before he went home because of his
children's babysitter's light colored carpet and that in his own
house. For those of you that have ever done any carpentry work,
the chalk powder for a chalk line comes in a small bottle with
a nozzle for filling the holder. I chose the blue chalk over the
red and shoved the bottle into the toes of both shoes and gave it a
hefty squeeze. At shift change Todd put his shoes on without looking
and left for home. as I walked in the next morning I was greeted by
Todd with a, "You *******." Seems he got home kicked his shoes off
and walked across his carpet before looking back at the big blue
footprints across the floor. Fortunately most of it came up with
the vacuum cleaner. Todd never did really get even for that one.
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.... .. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.