The Last Treats Dished Up

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly deaf
old man the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."
Just then the drugstore phone rang and the pharmacist answered.
As he did, the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of
the
store with his prescription. The clerk realized the mistake and
shouted but the old man did not hear and kept walking. When the
pharmacist
finished his call, the clerk explained what had happened. The
pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register. He
said to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents' profit is better than nothing."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two elderly gentlemen spend their afternoons sitting on a bench in front
of a barber shop arguing about current affairs, debating political
issues and discussing life in general. Among their favorite arguments
concerns which of the local brands of beer is the best. The one
gentleman has his favorite, while the other gentleman favors a different
brand.

After several years of listening to this argument, the barber in front
of whose shop the two gentlemen sit says, "There is a way you can
resolve this dispute once and for all. Why don't you send samples of
each brand of beer off to one of those new-fangled laboratories where
they can test them and determine which is actually the better quality of
the two."

The gentlemen find this suggestion appealing, and so they walk across
the street to their favorite saloon and ask the bartender to scrounge up
two jars, fill them with the respective brands of beer, and package them
up for delivery to the laboratory.

After a few months, an envelope arrives at the local post office. Eager
to read the test results, the two gentlemen scurry over to their
favorite bench in front of the barber shop and open the envelope. Inside
is a letter which reads, "Gentlemen -- Thank you for submitting the two
specimens. We are happy to report that both performed very well under
testing. In fact, it is our conclusion that both horses are in the best
of health."

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*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small
boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and
take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the
spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just
reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you
$30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By
the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Oh man. I've been transferred to New Jersey," the other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in New Jersey. They have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived in New Jersey all my life. It is
not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere
in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and
say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck in Camden."
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*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the
middle of the night and started to rob it. The
Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs
with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at
him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm,
but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with
his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had
sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some
lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked
the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new
doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man
continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now,
that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the
doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious.
I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a
'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she
did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group
of witches searching for a love potion.

They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was
highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her
permission.

They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small
white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight
for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful.
Wonderful news! He and the young lady were to wed in a month!

One of the witches told him, . . .

"Nothin says lovin' like something from a coven. And pills buried
say it best."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large,
raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing
what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please
give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Q. What is black and white and red all over?

A. A zebra with a sunburn.

Q. What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a Rotweiler?

A. Security for the 3rd floor.

Q. What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A.. Stick with me & we'll go places.

Q. What is black & white, black & white, black & white, & green?

A. Three skunks fighting over a pickle.

Q. What do you get if you cross a stick of dynamite with the white of
an egg?

A. A boom-meringue.


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Strange History You Didn't Get in High School
(the B.C. years)

3050 B.C. -
A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week,
the idea is stolen and duplicated by other
Sumerians, thereby establishing the business
code of ethics.

2900 B.C. -
Egyptians create Sphinx, one of Seven Great
Wonders of the Ancient World, but refuse to talk
about it.

1850 B.C. -
Britons announce Operation Stonehenge a
success after arranging slabs in sufficiently
meaningless pattern to confuse scientists for
centuries.

1785 B.C. -
The first calendar is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. -
Babylonians experience winter in June.

776 B.C. -
The world's first known money appears in Persia.
World's first known counterfeiter appears in Persia
next day.

525 B.C. -
The first Olympics are held in Greece. USSR
enters six footer with a mustache in women's shot put.

410 B.C. -
Rome ends the practice of enslaving debtors,
removing biggest single obstacle to the development
of the credit card.

404 B.C. -
The Peloponnesian war enters 27th year because
neither side can find a treaty writer who can spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C. -
Tens of thousands of Chinese people complete
1,500 mile long Great Wall. Neighbor's dog gets
through.

1 B.C. -
Calendar manufacturers argue over what to call
the next year.


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What on earth are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Q. Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

A. To improve his bite...

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

A. Frostbite...

Q. Why do witches use brooms to fly on?

A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy..

Q. What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?

A. A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Q. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

A. No, they eat the fingers separately.. .

Q. Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

A. Because they don't have any body to go out with...

Q. What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

A. Booberries.. .

Q. What is a vampire's favorite sport?

A. Casketball.. .

Q. What is a vampire's favorite holiday?

A. Fangsgiving. ..

Q. What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?

A. Shrinkenstein


20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags
of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick
or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret"
in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously,
say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and
quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When
trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have
everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can
figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an
unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and
don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into
the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked
and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run
around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you
give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their
candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone
who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing
through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters
for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a
calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests,
explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten
candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it
again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your
porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you
open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.
Slam the door when you're finished.

Treats and hidden links for Today

Driving Down Memory Lane
HARDLY A DRIVER IS NOW ALIVE WHO PASSED ON HILLS AT 75 Burma Shave

Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs
TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave
Remember these? For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40s. Before there were Interstates when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet..... .and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave
And my all time favorite: PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave
Don't stick your elbow Out so far It may go home In another car. BURMA SHAVE

You might be a Redneck if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch
Has more teeth than your spouse.

~~< * >~~
At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife. "What is this for?" "For you headache, dear." "But I don't have a headache." "Good

Bad English?
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Detour sign in Kyushi: "Japan Stop Drive Sideways."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - no ice cream."

In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."




An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his digestive system upset.

Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Loosing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What was that all about?" Still staring down at his feet, the drunk
Replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"




A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP. ...BUMP.. ." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP. ..BUMP... BUMP..."

The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster. ..BUMP BUMP BUMP.

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP. ..BUMP... On the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything.... all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly "the coffin stops."
(Thanks Gayle)




A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"



OREO Triple Layer Chocolate Pie

Prep Time: 25 min
Total Time: 4 hr 25 min
Makes: 10 servings

32 OREO Chocolate Sandwich Cookies, divided (about 3/4 of 1 lb. 2 oz. Bag)
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine, melted
2 cups cold milk
2 pkg. (4-serving size each) JELL-O Chocolate Flavor Instant Pudding & Pie Filling
1 tub (8 oz.) COOL WHIP Whipped Topping, thawed, divided

FINELY crush 24 of the cookies; mix with butter. Press firmly onto bottom and up side of 9-inch pie plate.

POUR milk into large bowl. Add pudding mixes. Beat with wire whisk 2 minutes or until well blended. (Mixture will be thick.)

SPOON 1-1/2 cups of the pudding into crust. Gently stir 1/2 of the whipped topping into remaining pudding; spread over pudding layer in crust. Chop remaining 8 cookies; stir into remaining whipped topping. Spread over pie.

REFRIGERATE 4 hours or until set.


Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
"Would you like another piece?"

What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.

What did the French fries dress up as for Halloween?
Masked potatoes.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'd like a beer and a mop!

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk


Let's all join Humuhumu as she takes us on a 10-cent virtual tour of the Jungle Room at Elvis Presley's Graceland, shall we?

The Salem Witch Trials

The Salem Witch Trials of 1692 In January of 1692, the daughter and niece of Reverend Samuel Parris of Salem Village became ill. When they failed to improve, the village doctor, William Griggs, was called in. His diagnosis of bewitchment put into motion the forces that would ultimately result in the death by hanging of nineteen men and women. In addition, one man was crushed to death; seventeen others died in prison, and the lives of many were irrevocably changed.
To understand the events of the Salem witch trials, it is necessary to examine the times in which accusations of witchcraft occurred. There were the ordinary stresses of 17th-century life in Massachusetts Bay Colony. A strong belief in the devil, factions among Salem Village fanatics and rivalry with nearby Salem Town, a recent small pox epidemic and the threat of attack by warring tribes created a fertile ground for fear and suspicion. Soon prisons were filled with more than 150 men and women from towns surrounding Salem. Their names had been "cried out" by tormented young girls as the cause of their pain. All would await trial for a crime punishable by death in 17th-century New England, the practice of witchcraft.
In June of 1692, the special Court of Oyer (to hear) and Terminer (to decide) sat in Salem to hear the cases of witchcraft. Presided over by Chief Justice William Stoughton, the court was made up of magistrates and jurors. The first to be tried was Bridget Bishop of Salem who was found guilty and was hanged on June 10. Thirteen women and five men from all stations of life followed her to the gallows on three successive hanging days before the court was disbanded by Governor William Phipps in October of that year. The Superior Court of Judicature, formed to replace the "witchcraft" court, did not allow spectral evidence. This belief in the power of the accused to use their invisible shapes or spectres to torture their victims had sealed the fates of those tried by the Court of Oyer and Terminer. The new court released those awaiting trial and pardoned those awaiting execution. In effect, the Salem witch trials were over.
As years passed, apologies were offered, and restitution was made to the victims' families. Historians and sociologists have examined this most complex episode in our history so that we may understand the issues of that time and apply our understanding to our own society.

Happy Halloween!!!!!!

Oklahoma Survivor Show

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Oklahoma is planning to do its own entitled: "Survivor - Oklahoma Style".

The contestants will start in Tulsa , travel over to Tahlequah and on to Muskogee and McAlester . Then they will head to Durant on to Lawton and

Altus.

From there they will proceed to Anadarko then up to Alva. Then back down through Woodward, Enid and all the way down to Oklahoma City thru El Reno and finally back up to Tulsa.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with Texas license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads: Bob Stoops is gay.

I'm a vegetarian.

Biscuits and gravy clog your arteries. The Oklahoma Sooners suck....

Go Longhorns...

Beef Jerky is high in cholesterol.

Hillary in 2008.

Hunting is murder and

I'm here to confiscate your guns.

The first one that makes it back to Tulsa alive - Wins....


Weird Fact :
Diamonds were first discovered in the riverbeds of the Golconda region of India over 4,000 years ago.
********* *
Weird Fact :
Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the building of the Hoover Dam in 1933.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
Levan, which is located in Utah, got its name from "navel" which is levan spelt backwards. It was named this because it is in the center of Utah.
~~~~~~~~~
THE FUNNY THINGS KIDS SAY

Kas was taking care of her 5-year-old grandson, Weston. He
asked why her tummy was so big, and Kas told him she was getting
older, weighed too much and had a sickness that makes her tummy
swell. He thought for a minute and then asked, "Are you going to
have a baby?" Kas told him no, she was too old. Weston got a big
frown and said, "Darn!" (He had overheard his mom saying there won't
be any more babies and he saw Grandma as his last hope!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When Reagan, 2, eats all her food her mother says, "Reagan, you
ate it all. You are such a piglet!" Reagan laughs but lately she
has an answer all her own. She replies, "Mommy, you're a pooh!"
Just the other day on the way to work, she changed it a bit. After
the usual piglet exchange, she replied, "Mommy, you not a pooh. You
a Mommy." Then a few minutes later, "Mommy, I not a piglet, I a
Reagan!" It made her mother Melanie laugh all the way to work and
definitely made her day.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
The first subway system in America was built in Boston, Massachusetts in 1897.
********* *


Halloween Joke
A little boy dresses as a pirate for halloween. At the first house he goes to, a lady answers the door. "Trick or treak?" the little boy says.. "Oh, what a cute little pirate", the lady says "you got the little sword, the little black eye patch, the pirate hat..oh..how cute..and where are your buccaneers little pirate?" she asks.. "Under my buckin' hat, lady."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Trick or-Treating started in 9th century European with a custom called "souling". On November 2, All Souls Day, people would walk from village to village begging for "soul cakes". These were square pieces of bread with currants. And for every soul cake the beggars got, they said a prayer for the dead relatives of the donors. Today, Trick or Treating is just for fun. And most children say their favorite Trick or Treat candy is either chocolate or gum.
~~< * >~~

TODAY'S QUOTE
"Old age ain't no place for sissies."
Bette Davis
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Out Of Gas
A young nun who worked for a local home health care
agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of
gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just
one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough
gas to start the car and drive to the station for a
fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas
can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she
would care to wait he was sure it would be back
shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she
decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry
to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan
she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she
carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline,
and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car,
two men watched her from across the street. One of
them turned to the other and said:
"I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if
that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for
the rest of my life



~~< * >~~
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat a rumor . . .
In ancient Greece, Socrates (469 - 399 BC), was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really"
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man slunk away, defeated and ashamed . . .
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem . . . . It also explains why he never found out that
Plato was sleeping with his wife.

~~< * >~~
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Heaven

Sam and Henrietta were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty
years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to
the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last
decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a
rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to
show them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine
silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped
in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your
home now."
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your
reward in Heaven."
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What
are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free,
every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks
to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is
all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Henrietta. "Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink
as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat
or sick. This is Heaven!"
Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
Sam glared at Henrietta and said, "You and your darn bran muffins.
We could have been here 15 years ago...."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
FLORIDA TRAVEL AGENT TERMS

Old world charm ... Room with no TV, radio or phone,
and only 1 light.

Tropical .... Rainy.

Majestic setting ... Out in the swamp, at end of dirt road.

Options galore ... Nothing is included in the price.

Secluded hideaway .......Directions to locate unclear.

Some budget rooms .....Sorry, already occupied.

Explore on your own .....At your own expense.

Minutes From ???......... ..By helicopter

Romantic ............ ......... . No Phone or alarm clock in room

Knowledgeable trip hosts ... They've flown in an airplane before.

No extra fees ............ .. No extras available.

Bird Watchers Paradise.... .. Your car's paint will never be
the same

Nominal fee ............ ..... Outrageous charge.

Standard ............ ......... Sub-standard.

Deluxe ............ ......... ... Barely Standard.

Superior accommodations. .. One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.

All the amenities ......... Two chocolates, two shower caps and a extra
roll of toilet tissue.

Just Like Home........ ..... No Maid service.

Plush ............ ..... Both top and bottom sheets, bed
shakes.

Gentle breezes ........... In hurricane alley.

Light and airy ............ .. Window open...No air conditioning.

Picturesque ............ .... Theme park nearby.

24-hour bar .....Ice cubes at additional cost (when
machine works)


Hallmark's Hoops and Yoyo tell a story around the campfire thats just plain funny. Kids would like The Runaway Marshmallow. Part one. Part two. Part three.



Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, Morris, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" Morris exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A car hit a Jewish man, and the paramedics rushed to the scene. After
assessing the situation, they got the man on a stretcher and moved him
into the ambulance for transport to the hospital. He was not badly
injured, but enough so that they felt he should be checked out more
thoroughly than they were capable of doing in the street.

After getting the stretcher secured in the ambulance and as they
prepared to leave, one of the paramedics checked on the man and asked
him, "How are you feeling?"
"Okay, considering. " answered the man.
"Any nausea, dizziness, numbness?" asked the paramedic.
"No, none of that."
"Any shortness of breath or chest pain?"
"Nope."
"Are you comfortable? "
"I make a good living."


more ghost stories, the kind you can tell around a bonfire.

Big Chief Forget-me Not
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the
Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the
way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there
ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the
manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the
agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of
his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his
phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of
his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his
cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'dye, myte!" said
the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have
for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant
reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He
went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the East coast
and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me-not' s great memory. (One
local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an
Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.') On his return to the Vancouver Hilton
six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'
still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a
stick. "How," said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief.

Virtual Curry’s Haunted Castle.

If you want to scare yourself silly, watch this show about ghost photography, audio, and video, JK Cinema’s Urban Legends series: Ghosts. Its long, and has a long load time, so read the other stuff and come back to it. When you have time, make some more popcorn while loading. I wouldn't label this "adult content", but I wouldn't let the kids watch it. Nightmare stuff, ya know!

All Pictures have links have fun.

Click N Comment Today

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the
soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been,"
he sputtered. "What is it now?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She
said, "No," and slammed it down.
"Who was that?"
"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.
Then it rang again. Nancy listened, said, "KitKat," and hung up.
"What now?" I asked.
"A boy plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what
her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a
candy basket."
The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch. "But, Mom,"
our daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat isn't my
favorite candy."
"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant,
"You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury
of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked.
"They?re people just like you ' your equals."
"What the hell are you thinking about?" snapped the defendant. "I
don?t want to be tried by a bunch of damn thieves."


Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.... by David
Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes
with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.... .

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
********* *
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a
virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. -- P. J. O'Rourke
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Helpful Hint #32
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: Which officer is the butt of a lot of sailor jokes?
A: The rear admiral.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: Why did God give politicians one more brain cell than horses?
A: So they don't poop in the 4th of July parade.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a
hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.


Weird Fact :
Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products.
********* *
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after
a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society
of America used this in an ad slogan: "MS: It's not a software
company."
Exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have
been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the
association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford
to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's
apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction
that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.
The other is a disease.
~~~~~~~~~
The only thing the police had to go on was the book. It was the
one and only clue to the death of the young woman who lived alone
in the apartment above the alley.
Not a nice neighbourhood but that wasn't reason enough to be killed.
She'd been found by a friend earlier that evening.
There was some evidence of a struggle but the body was unmarked
except for a bruise on the left side of her head. Whoever did it
used the book to deliver the fatal blow. The corner was clearly
dented and some of the victim's hair was embedded in the cover.
The investigating officers concluded that it was probably a lover's
quarrel, but Chief Coltrane wasn't convinced.
"You say the book was the murder weapon?" He levelled his gaze at
the junior officers.
"That's right sir."
"She have a boyfriend?"
"Still looking, sir, but the friend says she wasn't seeing anybody
on a regular basis."
"Interesting, '' mused the Chief. He thought for a moment. "You
hotshots get the name of the book?"
The officers looked around sheepishly. Then one of them said,
"I might have it in my notes."
He took out his pad and thumbed the pages. He breathed a sigh of
relief when he found the title.
"Here it is right here, 'Mathematics 101 - An Introductory Text.'"
He shot the Chief a questioning look.
Coltrane closed his eyes and shook his head. "I was afraid of that."
The officers were puzzled. "Afraid of what?"
"A text book case," he answered, "We got us a math murderer on
our hands."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Simulated office experience when working from home...

Get up every day at 6am, iron a shirt, put on your suit. Walk half
a mile to the bus stop, stand in cold for 20 minutes. Get a bus to
somewhere miles away. Get off, stand in cold for 20 minutes again
and get bus back. Walk half mile back to house. It should now be
about 9am.
Decorate your 'office' with a stained carpet (preferably one made
of carpet tiles,) a strip light that flickers and a vending machine
which serves not-even-close- to-being- coffee.
Place a proxy between yourself and the web, pointlessly block any
sites that may have useful information relevant to your job. Only
allow yourself to unblock them after a week-long argument with
yourself via email.
If you smoke, don't do it in the building. Stand outside (in the
cold) and move at least 100 yards up the street, to avoid tarnishing
your company's corporate image.
Have daily meetings, where the main topic should always be how to
cut down on meetings so that actual work can be done.
At lunchtime, take another cold 20 minute walk to the local
newsagent, who will be happy to supply you with a disturbingly
cold sandwich from their fridge. The only one left will be egg.
Walk back to work, eating your sandwich and smoking at the same
time, for efficiency and to hide the taste of the sandwich.
Every 10 minutes, pick up the phone and say 'Oh, you should have
gone through to reception. Let me put you through... Oh, they're
not answering. Can I take a message?' After this, scrawl something
on a post-it note and wander around the 'office' for 10 minutes
to simulate finding the message recipient's desk.
At the end of the day, leave the office and perform the bus
trips again.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day Saint Peter approached Cecil B. DeMille, who was resting
on a cloud "You know," Said St. Peter, "Things are pretty dull
sometimes up in heaven. God was thinking it would be a good idea
if you make a movie."
"A movie?" squawked De Mille, "But I've retired, All I want is to
get some rest."
"Think about is, though," urged Peter. "You could have a script
by Shakespear, sets designed by Leonardo da Vinci, and all the
actors we have!"
Intrigued, De Mille said, "Ok. Sounds great, I'll get right
to work."St. Peter clapped his hands with delight, but his mood quickly
sobered.
"There is one thing, however," St. Peter said, shifting from
one foot to the other, "There's this girl who's a close friend
of God's...."I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda
comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend,
Carol just brought home from the store.
"You got that right ... I almost bought their elevator 'cause it
was marked down."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
This young woman brought her child into Children's Hospital for
a routine checkup. On the records, the nurse saw that the child's
first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude,
but wanting to know why this woman would name her child this,
the nurse asked her how Urine got her name. The woman explained,
"Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in the special
nursery. She was real sick and they didn't know if she would make
it. I couldn't decide what to name her, but the nurses said they
would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already
named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said
'Please save Urine,' so I knew that they had named my baby."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president,
Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in
his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago
when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds
of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the
lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his
wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays
in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had
second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were
a vice president of the hotel."
********* *
"Vice President Dick Cheney is donating $2 million to the
cardiovascular center that treats him. Actually for him it's more
of an advance." --Conan O'Brien
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Today President Bush said the United States is still under
the threat of attack. Then he went back on vacation. I don't
think President Bush really understands the severity of this
situation. Like when they first told Bush about the terrorist
plot against the airlines, he said, 'Let me guess, snakes on a
plane?'" --Jay Leno
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"This weekend in Los Angeles, California it's the Emmy Awards. I'm
not going this year. Last year was embarrassing. William Shatner
and I showed up wearing the same toupee."
--Dave Letterman
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey
is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has
a margin of error of 100 %." --Conan O'Brien
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

"Changing 'french fries' to 'freedom fries' was arguably the
Republican Congress' greatest accomplishment. Democrats would have
called them 'surrender fries'." --Stephen Colbert
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank
of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me
ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where
he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look
for the pole with a worm on both ends."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem.
Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."
~~~~~~~~~
The secret to enjoying a good wine is:
1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Bill was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he went in, he noticed
two pretty girls looking at him.
"Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with
himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a
girl had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when
you came in, they were speaking German."

Sunday Late Edition

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot
sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet
or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder
what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a
defective parrot."
" Wow," the guy replies. "You actually understood
and answered me!"
"I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly
educated bird." says the parrot.

"OK! Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?" the guy asks.

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very
embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my
weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"You really can understand and speak English
can't you?" says the guy.

" Actually, I speak Spanish and English, I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost
any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry,
but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so
the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have
any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just
make an offer!"

He offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a
great sense of humor, he's interesting and is a
great pal, he sympathizes and is insightful. The
guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst, " and motions him
over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell
you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered mail today, your wife
greeted him in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT?" the guy asks."THEN what happened?"

"The postman came into the house and lifted up
her nightie and began petting her all over,"
reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes, then he continued taking off the nightie , got
on his knees and began kissing her all over"

The guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off
my perch!"



Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year-old
man "You always feel like you have to pee and most
of the time you stand there and nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When
you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement
any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst
age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the
60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel
movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee
every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning
at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up till 7:00."

~~< * >~~
Our friend, Holly, a generously endowed young
lady, when at college, often got teased by her
sorority sisters for being a bit top-heavy.

At one fraternity party, a young man asked her
what she would like to drink.

"Diet soda, please," she replied. "Oh, you must be
the double D." he commented.

Holly was furious, wondering which of her so-called
friends had divulged such personal information. "And
just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.

Surprised by her angry response, the young man
meekly answered, "Well, you know, the
Designated Driver.


A husband and wife were celebrating their 80th wedding
anniversary, and the media was there to document the
occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their
successful marriage and longevity.

The wife replied that they had never been sick.

The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said,
"So, you've never been bedridden."

And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and
twice in a buggy."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
Weird Fact of the Day:
Popeye is 34 years old, weighs 158 lbs, and is 5 feet 6 inches tall.
~~< * >~~
During a revival meeting, the charismatic evangelist asked people who had a need to come up on stage. He went to the first guy and said, "What is your need, brother"?
"My hearing," he said.
The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, invoked the Lord and asked, "How's your hearing"?
"I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
~...~...~...~...~.
Jill meets Nadine for lunch. "You're looking very
tired today, Jill. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Jill, "but it was all very
strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I
found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a
genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow," says Nadine, "so what were the choices he gave you, Jill?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent,
sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my
boyfriend a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Jill, what did you choose?"
"I can't remember," replies Jill.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
PEST CONTROL A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, " said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little bastards!"




One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister. "

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"
~~< * >~~
Just keeping you posted so you will not embarrass yourself.
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, those of us in Arkansas and Missouri will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as: OZARK-AMERICANS.
Thank you! Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the plumber. The other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says, "I think my wife is having sex with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
~~< * >~~
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why
he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as ! I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Dave and I'm going to a
Halloween party."
~~< * >~~
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Saturday's Giggles and URLS

Thought for the day...
Stop obsessing so much on keeping
score and getting ahead. Focus
instead on creating real and
lasting value from each moment you
are given.

~~< * >~~
In a hurry to make an appointment on time, a businessman parked his
car in a no parking zone, and left the following note under the
windshield wiper:
"I've circled the block for 15 minutes without finding a parking
spot. If I don't park here, I'll lose my job. Remember the bible,
'Forgive us our trespasses.' "
Returning later to his car, he found parking ticket and this note
under the windshield wiper:
"I've been circling this block for 15 years. If I don't give you a
ticket, I'll lose my job. Remember the bible, 'Lead us not into
temptation."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
~~< * >~~
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large
amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been
paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them
saying,
"We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect
phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."



To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.
Finaly he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."

~~< * >~~
Weird Fact of the Day:
It is not possible to tickle yourself. The cerebellum, a part of the brain, warns the rest of the brain that you are about to tickle yourself. Since your brain knows this, it ignores the resulting sensation.


How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
and towel on head.

If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING 'CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

~~< * >~~

GOOD Comebacks!!!
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the
VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit
down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit
under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator. "

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar
for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd
probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?




From an MD. resident to his senator

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the
Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for
your assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they
referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status
from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the
bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted.

If my understanding of this bill's provisions is
accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the
United States for five years, all I need to do to
become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income
taxes for three of the last five years. I know a
good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the
process started before everyone figures it
out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally
have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited
about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in
return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way
that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This
would yield an excellent result for me and my family
because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin
using the local emergency room as my primary health
care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums
for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in
gaining illegal status would be that my daughter
would receive preferential treatment relative to her
law school applications, as well as "in-state"
tuition rates for many colleges throughout the
United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would
relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's
license and making those burdensome car insurance
premiums. This is very important to me given that I
still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the
process to become illegal (retroactively if
possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would
be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin




@>`~~~~>,~~~
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they
were given an activity requiring the husband to wear
a bag of sand to give himan idea of what it feels like
to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged
saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the
husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant,
the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his
wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."




When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head
of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he
said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The
human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his
desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven
years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young fairy princess who
dreamed of being a ballet dancer. Then one day, she read an ad in her
email that announced the Royal Ballet's next auditions in a nearby
town. So on the right day, the fairy princess geared up one hundred
white pigeons to her chariot, and off they flew to the theater. After
witnessing her outrageous entrance, the director immediately told her
to go back home. "But why?" wept the broken-hearted shell of a would-
be-ballerina. "Because," came the heartless reply, "I've got enough
pigeon-towed dancers in the company already."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for
her college education. One day she came home with five applications,
and later that evening we read them. Under "Previous Employment," she
listed "Baby-sitting." And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote,
"They came home."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few
acres of swamp land below the flood plain in Mississippi. Before I
knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I
built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery
to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as
sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder,
it all started to sink in.

This N That

The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane
Late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint
Light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an old
Farmhouse and knocked on the door.

'Hello', he says, 'I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my
Truck has broken down, I wonder could I have a bed for the night?'
'Well', says the farmer, there's only two rooms, meself and the wife in
One, and my young (nubile) daughter in the other'.

'Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a
Bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house', says the
Greatest truck driver in the world.

'All right' says the farmer, and they all went to bed.

At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare arse going up and down. He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun.

He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck
Driver in the world's asshole.

'All right', he says, 'if you're the greatest truck driver in the world,
Reverse out of there with a full load.......'


Game: Turbo Penguin (Shoot your penguin up into the air and keep him up.)

Make your own virtual skeleton at Bone Idol. The best creations go in to the gallery, where the top Bone Idol will be crowned on Halloween night. OK for kids!



TechEBlog » Top 5 Most Human-Looking Robots

http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

THINK YOU CAN FLY A HELICOPTER ?Read directions first before you start....must holdleft clicker down to go up...release to go down...MOST DIFFICULT
Click on the link below and give it a whirl!


http://www.coasttocoastam.com/shows/2006/10/26.html


Just in case you have forgotten the "rules"
For a safe and Happy
Halloween.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster,
NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud,
Even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement,
Especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other
Language which they should not know, shoot them
Immediately.
It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
However, it will probably take several rounds
To kill them, so be prepared.
This also applies to kids who speak with
Somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers,
NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt.
This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which
Caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the
Cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves,
Do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a
Good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're
Sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to
Trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite
The fact that you are running and the monster is
Merely shambling along, it's still moving
Fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit
Uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination
For blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and
So on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations,
Some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street,
Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
Recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle,
Or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely
Road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house
To phone for help. If you think that it is strangbecause
You thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself
Instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely
Be eaten.

17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery,
Now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies
To houses that had previous inhabitants who went
Mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had
Inhabitants who performed satanic
Practices in your house.

Bloggers From Iraq

Hey all

Sooni

is talking.

Very interesting conversation.

IraqTheModel

has a new and great post up

also !!!!

Outrage as Muslim cleric likens women to 'uncovered meat'

Moved to the Top for a few hours, and updated. Friday's funnies are below

The following article is what it is. Found in a newspaper on line. Thus my rant on this crap.

The cleric's comments are disgusting in nature to me and as far as I am concerned. The b.s. about allowing these creeps into our world is unthinkable. This mindset is not changing. It is, however poisoning our way of life. In my opinion if this is a hate crime against women and should not be tolorated in any form.

Its okay for them to murder and threaten anyone that says any thing about Mohammad. The Main Stream Media always gives them a pass.

Hell CNN gives them great press all int he name of divercity and political correctness.

You want to be p.c. then stop these mad men from spreading hate. Shut them up as you would a Christian leader. Show them for what they are. Not one beetle brained politician would hesitate to disavow this tripe about women coming from a Christian leader.

Not one female news maker is talking about this hate crime against women. Where is Babs? Katie? Rosie where is your big fat mouth about this?

We in the west are surpposed to sit back and let these freakazoides have a free pass? If we say any thing its a hate crime? Why?

Why is it a hate crime when we say

something, and not when they say and do things?

Why?

By RICHARD SHEARS

Last updated at 16:10pm on 26th October 2006
A Muslim cleric's claim that women who do not wear the veil are like 'uncovered meat' who attract sexual predators sparked outrage around Australia yesterday.
Sheik Taj Din al-Hilali, the nation's most senior Muslim cleric, compared immodestly-dressed women who do not wear the Islamic headdress with meat that is left uncovered in the street and is then eaten by cats.
Read more...EU boss Barroso blasts veil as 'obstacle to communication'
Politicians including Prime Minister John Howard, community leaders and a large number of Muslims condemned the mufti's comments amid calls that he should be deported to Egypt, his country of origin.
He has since been forced to apologise for his remarks.
In a Ramadam sermon in a Sydney mosque, Sheik al-Hilali suggested that a group of Muslim men recently jailed for many years for gang rapes were not entirely to blame.
There were women, he said, who 'sway suggestively' and wore make-up and immodest dress "and then you get a judge without mercy and gives you 65 years. But the problem, but the problem all began with who?" he said, referring to the women victims.

The Rest is here:http://tinyurl.com/yeqjnd

As an update

and passing the torch from this to

TheBullWinkleBlog

The Real Story: Iraq

The Real Story: Iraq Video

Milk and Cookies for MFVOV
Glen Beck has asked that people download and email this video. You can thank Glen Beck by visiting glenbeck.com

Friday's Funnies

Missing Husband
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall , blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
..~...~...~...~...~..
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to
get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave
him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells, "You idiot. You can't treat a cough with a
laxative."

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can. Look at him, he's
afraid to cough.
.~...~...~...~...~...~
A Web hosting company Tech joined the army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I worked at Express Technologies, the company that hosts www.ThatsComedy.com," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see...." The Tech checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off! "Well," the Tech said, writhing in pain, "The bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end! "

Funny Thoughts

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?

If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?

@>`~~~~>,~~~
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"
~~< * >~~
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter
and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing
patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her
boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I
have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him. "Oh, sure. Is it in
someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
~~< * >~~
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard she
sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Jacobs, has got the biggest tool, in the
whole damn school!" She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?" This kid in the
back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Jacobs." "Well, Jimmy, your staying
after school! The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in,
she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to
ADVERTISE."
~~< * >~~
In our local department store, a salesperson was waiting on a young
woman whose recent wedding we had both attended. The new bride asked to
see twin-bed sheets. The clerk bit her lip as she rummaged through the
packages on the shelf. Finally she burst out, "It's none of my business,
but twin beds? You're practically still on your honeymoon!" It was the
saleswoman's turn to blush as the bride picked out one package of
sheets.
"You're taking it for granted that we have two twin beds," she replied


Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says
to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there anything that
you always wanted but never got?" "Yeh, there is", said grandpa. "What
is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you." "Well, grandma, I
always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa. "A blow-job is what you want,
then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you
one," said grandma. Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the
plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their wives
practiced on Ketchup bottles." Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day
tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed." The following night
grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached
grandpa, grabbed his penis with her left hand and began punching the top
of grandpa's penis with her right hand.

Two lesbians walk into a brothel. They ask for the youngest woman in the
joint. The Madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time
with them. The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest
girl here." The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."
~~< * >~~
From BLUE COLLAR TV:

Things you don't want to hear from another person the
first time s/he sees you naked:

Just how MANY times were you circumsized?

If that thing moves, I swear, I'm gonna shoot it!

On second thought, I think I WILL have that drink.

I'm no expert, but shouldn't there be only two of
those?

I don't believe I've ever seen a pair of those that
long!

Wow! Smoking really DOES stunt your growth, doesn't
it?

Isn't that supposed to be on the other side?

That reminds me! Who's up for shrimp?

A Mississippi gal, Daisy Mae, was involved in a serious crash; there's
blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag her out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you have a concussion.
Daisy Mae: Ok
Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up
Daisy Mae: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!

@>`~~~~>,~~~

One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our
blonde female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine,
where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff
hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging
out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying
awful hard to keep a straight face.
Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the
drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom???""Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk
before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"
By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep
from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic
sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been
played
and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a dead-serious
voice:
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it
either?"

A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The woman says that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does have a job that the woman can have but the pay isn't much and the job is boring, the woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to start at 8:00 the next day. The next morning at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see for himself. They head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's legs. After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to the employee and says "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two TEST TICKLES
@>`~~~~>,~~~
I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one
of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside
the road in tears.

I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell
happened to you?"

Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible! " He
pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.

"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy
another car," I level-headedly advised.

"Look inside the car," Tim moaned.

After looking, I continued to console him.
"Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde."

Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly,
"Look inside her fucking mouth!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of
beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four
dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to
the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept
that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects
his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a
neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
~~< * >~~
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering, "Take me Paddy. Take me now!" Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it. Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready. Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!" Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.

Fossilized Remains

Fossilized remains of 10,000 yr old man!

Nothing ever Changes

Blog Chatter

I thought I would do a Wednesday version of my What is Everyone Talking About.
I know a bunch of you miss my cheery comments on your blogs. However I just have to make it to so many blog homes sometimes the time flies by way to fast. Okay enough excuses.
Gayle has a post on an Article of the NYT that Old soldier explains so very well. Its one to check out.
Beth is like the energizer bunny she just keeps going on and on with the truth and light exposing ugly things and having fun along the way.
GoogleBombing at Right Wing News? HuH?
MFVOV Blog - Positive Voices from Military Families Has some links to let your voices be heard in D.C. yet again. Tell them ya tired of the Crap that the MSM namely Cnn is pulling.
Weighing in on M.J. Fox and Rush we have AmyProctor.
doing Trak backs today we have Diane. For more fun and pleasure reading. Check out:

123Beta

Chas' Compilation
Dumb Oxi

Dust Bunnies

I.R.I.S.

Joshua Pundit

Mikes Delirium

Love Honor and Dismay

Look Who's Tattling Now
Fat Old Jewish Guy

Or hey just start surfing the blog rolls on the side bars. Its all good.

Overload Wednesday

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear. His 'Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear'' shows the right one bandaged because he painted the mirror image.


********* ***
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver
whether he had seen the speed limit signs, the man responded,
"I went by them so fast, I probably missed them."
********* ***
- A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue
doing 79 mph. "My engine misses and I'm trying to clean out the
carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added,
"If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
********* ***
- "I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late,
they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
********* ***
- An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he
was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior
citizen's discount"?
********* ***
The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Roseville,
Mighigan where bozo Cassidy Vance broke into a residence only to be
confronted by the owners of the house. They told our bozo they were
having a party that evening and could he please come back tomorrow
night to rob the place. Our bozo processed this suggestion for a
moment and said, "Sure." Believe it or not, he did show back up
the following evening. This time the homeowner wasn't so nice. He
roughed him up a little bit before calling the cops. By the way,
our bozo is now suing the homeowner for his injuries.


I hadn't seen my family for some time and, feeling especially
nostalgic, I was looking forward to this visit. Most of all I wanted
to see my grandparents, who were getting on in years. On my second
day, my sister and I took my maternal grandma out for lunch. At one
point Grandma suddenly turned to me and said: "I'm glad I got the
chance to see you, dear. I'm not going to be around much longer,
you know."
"Oh, Grandma!" I protested, close to tears. "Of course you are!" I
grasped her hand and held it tenderly.
"No, I'm not," Grandma repeated excitedly. "I leave for Las Vegas
in three days!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking
fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man
stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on
our life jackets. We're one short."

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher On the first
day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a
very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's
window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took
my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification
of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal
with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that
you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter
of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn
in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But
you will notice that your hiccups are gone."


The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...
The Bozo criminal for today is somewhat unique in that he's not
a criminal, just a politician. It'll be up to you to decide who
the real bozo is. From Ontario, California comes the story of 62
year old Hale McGee who is running for congress there. During a
TV appearance in Ontario, Mr. McGee flatly declared that crime
was absolutely, positively without a doubt not a problem in his
city. Less than an hour later, as Mr. McGee was heading home,
he was robbed of 80 bucks and his cell phone.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview,
and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:
"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with
two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured
and the car is bady damaged.
The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into
the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip
on its side.
A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force
of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately
he cannot swim and is drowning in the river.
Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his
wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now.
"What would you do in this situation?", the interviewer asked.
The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while... he
replies, "I'd take off my uniform and disappear into the crowd!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
"Doctor, my husband has a strange disease," the woman says. "I
think it's from stress and overwork. Every time I start asking
him for money, he can't hear me at all."

"Well, dear, it's not a disease-it's a talent."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his
shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven
of my students to England," he said. "What on earth for?" his
wife asked.
"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on
the left side of the road-legally. "



The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Cruz, California where
bozo Eumelio Garcia was in jail on theft charges. Bozo broke out
of jail and went to visit his girlfriend. Within an hour he and
his girlfriend were having a yelling, screaming fight. Pretty soon,
the jail doesn't look so bad to our bozo. So he heads back to jail
and literally tries tries to break back in. This wasn't quite as
easy as breaking out. Our bozo has now had assault and jailbreak
charges added to his sentence.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
As a writer for one of the less glamorous sections of a newspaper,
I also do entertainment features on rare occasions. Once, I was
assigned to review a play that hadn't opened yet.
After the rehearsal, I was chatting with the cast and mentioned
what I usually do at the paper.
One thespian, shaking his head, remarked, "Oh, great. The play
hasn't even opened yet, and they send in the obituary writer."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost
her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#

The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to
have to give up analysis."
"But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"
"Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get
used to lying down for a guy and then having him give me the bill."





A brunette and a blonde are walking through the park when the
brunette sees a dead bird on the sidewalk and she says "Look at
the dead bird!" The blonde looks upwards and says "where?"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today's
report. From the International File in Moscow, Russia comes the
story of a bozo car thief who didn't get very far before his stolen
vehicle ran out of gas. A couple of helpful police officers pulled
over and pushed the car out of the roadway. They were just about to
leave when one of them noticed something strange...a screwdriver
sticking out of the car's ignition. A quick check found not only
was this car stolen but out bozo was wanted for a string of other
thefts. Busted!



20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Some one Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13.Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play
tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's called therapy

May your troubles be less, your blessings be more and nothing but happiness come through your door

Weird Fact of the Day:
A squash ball moving at 150 kilometers per hour has the same impact of a .22 bullet.

~~< * >~~
Commercial Slogans & the real meaning...

"A diamond is forever."
"Which is *exactly* how long you'll be
hearing about it from the wife if you don't
cough up the green for some ice, pal."

"Built Ford tough"
"It's an American version of tough; not *
really* tough, like German cars are tough."

"I can't believe it's not butter!"
"Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds,
makes you dumb as a post."

"Pork; the other white meat"
"When Hesston starts screaming that it's people,
don't say we didn't warn you."

"An Army of one"
"Can't be gay all by yourself, can ya?"

"A diamond says you'd marry her all over again"
"You're too classy for a $50 hooker every week."

"Have it your way"
"Think of us as your personal hamburger whore."

"Just Do It"
"We know you'll never get off the couch lard-ass;
just buy the friggin' shoes."

"The new way to office"
"The half-assed way to slogan."

"It's so chunky, you'll be tempted to eat it with a fork." "Those damn
slicing machines are still dumping way too many body parts in our
soups!"

"Must-see TV"
"Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!"

"Calgon, take me away!"
"I've got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action."

"Like a rock"
"God knows we weren't selling many pickups
with that Boy George tune."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A woman's husband dies, and while at the funeral home watching the
mortician prepare her husband for final internment, she asked if he
would cut off her husbands dick for her. The mortician thought this to
be an odd request, but since it was her husband, he complied with her
wishes and cut it off and gave it to her. She wrapped it up and took it
home. When she got home, she pulled out a frying pan, threw some chopped
onions, garlic, green peppers, and some butter into the pan, and started
cutting up the dick. Her neighbor walked in at this point and saw what
she was doing, and asked, "What are you doing with *that*??!!" The woman
replied, "Hey, for 35 years I ate it his way, now I'm gonna eat it my
way!"
~~< * >~~
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home
for Rosh Hashanah. "Oh," the Catholic girl says. "That's the holiday
when you light the eight candles, right?" "No," the Jewish girl replies.
"That's Hanukah." "Oh, right," the Catholic girl says. " Rosh Hashanah
is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?" "No," the Jewish girl
replies. "That's Passover.Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the
shofar." "See," the Catholic Girl says. "That's what I like about you
Jews... you're so good to the hired help."
Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"
What's the best part of a blow-job when you're married?
The few minutes of silence.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor!!!
Dan Rather is interviewing Monica and said, "Monica, this trouble will
pass and you're still young and have a future in front of you. What
would you like to do with the rest of your life?" Monica said, "Well,
Dan, I have thought of going back to school." Dan said, "That is a great
idea. What would you like to be?" Monica said, "I would like to be a
doctor." Dan laughed and said, "You can never be a doctor.. You sucked
as an intern."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't, and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our
big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson. "

Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

SCROLL DOWN ..

Scroll down some more

A little bit more........ ...


She sells C cells by the sea shore!

Don't know if its True But

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview.

When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said: "A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... And how many want out."

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2. The American G.I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET BOTH OF THEM.

Wednesday's White Trash

A rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was
having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and
flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to
jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the
gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on
the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let
it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed
out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says,
"Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How
about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Look" says the extremely beautiful landlady, who loves a bet! "If any
one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you
shag me!"
Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman
"Where do you live?" "M M M M Man Man Manch ..."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman,
"Okay - where do you live, Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.
"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb ..."
"Nope. You lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy,where do you
live?"
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh, bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him
by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to
her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for
glory, and then - right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams
out: " ....... D D D Derry!!"


A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up
to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles
through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago
in early June."
"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"
The guy looks through his notebook again and says,
"Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?"
The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes,
I was in room 1368."
The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who
stayed in room 1369?"
The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes,
I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with
Mrs. Wentworth?"
The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I
had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I
don't like it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and
says, "You know what? Neither did I!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Two redneck boys, Bodie and Earl, are sitting in their Texas class room
one day when they realize they can see straight up their teacher's skirt
and she wasn't wearing any underwear.
Bodie says to Earl, "What do you suppose those little brown things
are? They look like raisins. She musta had raisins at lunch and dropped
some in her lap."
Earl says "Naw - them's dungballs from the way women wipe their
asses."
"Nope - them's raisins."
Finally, they approach the teacher and ask her. "Earl says them things
around your snatch is raisins and I say they're dungballs from
the way you wipe your ass. Which one's right?"
"Neither, replied the teacher kindly. "They're flies."
~~< * >~~
The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife. The
owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them
himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of course, the
elderly man noticed.
"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife
that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you
double for the car.
But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"
"OK, agreed!"
The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did
the same.
Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the
agency owner.
Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in
half.
"What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner



A man met a beautiful lady and he decided
he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything
about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn
about each other as we go along.
So she consented, and they were married
and went on a honeymoon to a very nice
resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool
when he got up off his towel, climbed up to
the 10-meter board and did a two and a half
tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly,
almost without a ripple.This was followed by a
three rotations in jackknife position before he
again straightened out and cut the water like
a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came
back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving
champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more
about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started
doing laps. She was moving so fast that the
froth from her pushing off at one end of the
pool would hardly be gone before she was already
touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even
butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in
mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down
on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an
Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and
I worked both sides of the Ohio River."


Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.
She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the HELL is a piñata?!"

~~< * >~~
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having
trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's
your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think
I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to
the principal's
office. While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the
principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells
her, "I think Harry
can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask
him some questions." The principal and Harry both
agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of
that I have only
two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you
have but I do not
have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such
a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man
steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a
T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth
hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft
and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and
before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a
woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and
ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and
told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
questions wrong.....

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
~~< * >~~
Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating. "
Her friend replied, "Don''t do anything. Just ignore it."
The first girl said, "I can''t."
Her friend, "Why can''t you ignore it?"
The first one says, "Because he''s using my hand!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?". "I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

As a math teacher, I was grading a test on area and volume.
Apparently, one student hadn't been paying attention. In response to
the question "What is the volume of a box three feet wide, seven feet
high, & two feet deep? He had written, "Really loud."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated
when he returned from his third voyage?" One student said, "Lots of
people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time." Sternly,
the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!" The student
brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it
read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his
third voyage."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept
sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to
drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized
that he was creating a bottomless pit!

One day a co-worker told my husband, Cary, that she was going home
early because she didn't feel well. Since Cary was just getting over
something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't
something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I hope not.
She has morning sickness!"

The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is
complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have
no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two
weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those
pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor. "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Golden Oldie but still funny
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a
beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile and said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of- a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't
need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought for a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my
bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and
he had no health insurance.

Old News

I found this through another
blogger and it brought to mind just what is out there and that we all of us need to remind everyone that there were and are things in Iraq that make it critical to our well being. Its time to remind the asylum that we the people have not forgotten 9-11-01 or that we expect them to act like what the hell they are World leaders and not a bunch of whiney assed weasels that have no value in this world other than taking up my precious oxygen.
Both side of the aisle have forgotten we are fighting a GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR. They overall voted to send our fighting men and women into harms way to fight this war. Yet they all act like it was someone else. Lets look at some of the articles from the last few years that should remind us to stand up
and tell these moronic souls they work for us. They aren't giving us our money's worth either.
I didn't pay to send men and women to the beltway to drink do drugs and play sex games. The democrats are so focused on sex drugs they forget that is their past and not our now. Oh and a side note to that what the hell is up with every democrat poking his or her finger in the air as if they are pointing at me? That just cost ya some points. That screaming and shrill squawking cost some more.

Now for the Republican side what's up with you? You are the majority and act like a bunch of pre-schoolwork afraid of the school yard bully. Dammit people what the hell is wrong with you? Stand behind your president and your party. Stop this grand standing. Its makes me tired. It really makes you look stupid.

Now lets stroll down memory lane.

Terrorist behind September 11 strike was trained by SaddamBy Con Coughlin
(Filed: 14/12/2003)
Iraq's coalition government claims that it has uncovered documentary proof that Mohammed Atta, the al-Qaeda mastermind of the September 11 attacks against the US, was trained in Baghdad by Abu Nidal, the notorious Palestinian terrorist.ClickNowForTheRest

Does this implicate Saddam?
How the Chinese helped Iraq
Iraq factfile
18 July 2003: History will forgive the war on Iraq, Blair tells US
30 January 2003: White House promises proof of Saddam link to al-Qa'eda
25 August 2002: Saddam killed Abu Nidal over al-Qa'eda row
Saddam's role in 9/11

Tuesday's Giggles

Weird Fact of the Day:
Kermit the Frog has 11 points on his collar around his neck.


@>`~~~~>,~~~
A man went to see the local doctor and complained because
his wife was having too many little bastards; she was hav-
ing at least one per year. He said, "Doc, ya gotta help me,
I can't gets enough welfare or steal enough to feeds em all."

The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked
up the problem. He told his patient the book said if a
man's bitch was having too many brats, he should remove
the man's right testicle. He then administered anesthesia
with a beer bottle and took out his pocket knife and per- formed the
surgery.
Three years later the man was back at the doctor's office complaining
the surgery had failed; she was still having at least one per year. The
wise doctor took his book back down and studied the problem.
The doctor said, "Well, the book says if your wife is hav-
ing too many brats to remove your right testicle, we've
done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the
left testicle." Once again he got his beer bottle and his pocket knife
and performed surgery.
Three years later, the same man was back complaining the surgery had
once again failed. The doctor was quite per- plexed and got his book
back down.
After several minutes of study he told his patient, "It
says here if a man's wife is having too many brats to
remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too
many brats, remove his left testicle. We've done all that.
The next page says if the man's wife still has too many
brats after you have removed both testicles, you've done castrated the
wrong man!"


'Years ago' when I was a child I used to go to the grocery store with
my Mom. Barrels sat around the store filled with pickles, loose
crackers, and huge containers from which lard was dispensed. This was
a small country store. One morning my mom and I went to the store to
purchase a few groceries. In the store was an elderly woman asking to
buy three pounds of lard and have it put into an empty pail she was
carrying. The son of the owner was minding the store while the
father went to lunch. He stated, "Miss Abigail, your pail will only
hold two pounds." Miss Abigail looked at him as if he were simple
minded and said, " Where is your daddy? He has been putting three
pounds of lard in this pail for the last five years!"
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy
gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please
make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on,
"Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go
play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to
make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says,
"Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your
brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no.'" The little girl says,
"Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why
do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied,
"Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A woman told a marriage counsellor that her husband's complaint that
he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. "He comes in the
house with muddy feet," she said, "then tracks mud across my clean
floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself
comfortable on my best furniture."
>`~~~~>,~~~ @
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following
hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path in Central
Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a
strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what
would you do?" The police-officer-in-training replied without
hesitation, "I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
You know you are from Louisiana !!!!!
When:
1. Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside.
2. You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads.
3. You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at
crawfish boils.
4. When you give directions you use "lakeside and riverside" not
north & south.
5. Your ancestors are buried above the ground.
6. You get on a green trolley car to go to the park and a red one to
the French Quarter.
7. You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco .
8. Every once in a while, you have waterfront property.
9. You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your
host says, "Don't eat the dead ones," and you know what he means.
10. You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national
holiday.
11. You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
12. Little old ladies push YOU out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
13. You leave a parade with footprints on your hands.
14. You believe that purple, green, and gold look good together.
15. And you don't think twice about eating something which has all three
of these colors. In fact, you love it.
16. Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
17. You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your
baseball team.
18. No matter where else you go in the world, you are always
disappointed in the food.
19. Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart
and you don't care because you're No. 1 on the party chart.
20. Your house payment is less than your utility bill.
21. You don't show your "pretties" during Mardi Gras.
22. You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.
23. Your grandparents are called "Maw-Maw" and "Paw-Paw."
24. Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a
football player.
25. You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun
accent in a "New Orleans-based" movie or TV show.
26. You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.
27. You're walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer.
28. When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.
29. You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the
other good places you've eaten.
30. You decorate your e-mails with purple, green, and gold.
31. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from
Louisiana.





"I've always liked the two months before Mike Tyson fights when
we got to listen to every idiot like my 5'9" brother say, 'I'd
fight him for a million dollars.' I bet you would. And then
twenty years from now we'd get your follow-up interview on CNN,
'I'm eating solid foods again. And I can squeeze the ball!'"
- Kathleen Madigan
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude
beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while
the son played in the water.
After a while the boy came up to his mother and said,
"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and
said,"Mommy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than daddy's."
The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber
they are."
So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran
back to his mother and said,
"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw,
and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Because they needed some help around the house, the minister's wife
placed an ad for a manservant.
Around 8 a.m. the next morming a nicely dressed young man appears at
their front door.
"Can you fix breakfast by 7 a.m. every day?" the minister asks the young
man. "Well...... I guess I can," came the bewildered reply.
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the
grass, and polish the silver also." the minister continued.
"Gee, sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's
going to be that much work, you can count me out right now!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Waiter to blonde customer: "How do you want me to slice your pizza? Into six or twelve slices?"
Blonde: "SIX!!!! Gosh sakes, I could *never* eat 12 slices!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
One Liners....

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.

Don't play stupid with me.... I'm better at it!

Too many freaks, not enough circuses!

The more I learn, the less I understand.

Do unto others, then run.

I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a
vacuum cleaner!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave
him a huge stack of old bills.

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup
is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

I used to be a heavy gambler but now I just make mental bets;
that's how I lost my mind.



DRIVE AROUND, PLEASE

One night J. D. Roberts, an agent for the Drug Enforcement Agency, was
involved in a raid on a drug house that was doing a brisk business in
marijuana sales. He and the other agents were dressed in black "battle"
fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on them. Local uniformed
officers in marked police cruisers also took part in the raid.

Roberts and his team easily entered the house and apprehended the
suspect. Several hundred pounds of marijuana were confiscated without
incident. Within minutes the officers were collecting evidence and
finishing up at the scene.

As Roberts started out the front door, he noticed a pickup truck parked
behind one of the marked police cruisers in front of the house. Two
long-haired individuals got out of the pickup and strolled past the
police cruisers parked in the driveway, then walked up to Roberts and
his partner.

"Hey man, he still selling pot?" Roberts looked at his partner, then
back at the guy. "Yeah, he is. Just go around and knock on the back
door." "Cool." The two men nodded and walked on.

Roberts watched in amazement as the two individuals sauntered around to
the rear of the house. Roberts radioed the officers still inside the
house that they had customers at the back door.

The uniformed officers inside quickly hid while one plainclothes
detective answered the door. The new customers asked where the old
owner was, and the officer explained that the owner had stepped out but
that he could help them.

They requested a fifty-dollar bag of marijuana. The officer went to the
next room, grabbed a handful from the four hundred pounds of pot they
had just confiscated and stuffed it into a plastic bag. The two
customers were ecstatic. They thanked the officer for his generosity.

Roberts and his partner were still in the drive way, still wearing the
black battle fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on their chests,
when the two customers headed back to their pickup, oblivious to the
uniformed officers and the two marked police cruisers in the driveway.

Finally, Roberts walked up to the two satisfied customers and arrested
them. The agents reconfiscated the dope and impounded the pickup - just
as another prospective customer pulled up.

Roberts decided this was too easy to ignore. "We moved the two cruisers
and started putting the impounded vehicles in the back. We make about
fourteen more sales and arrests that night. By the time we were
through, the backyard was filled with cars. It was the darnedest
impromptu sting I've ever seen."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
INVESTMENT VOCABULARY

EBITDA: Earnings Before I Tricked Damned Auditor
EBIT: Earnings Before Irregularities & Tampering
CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
NAV: Normal Anderson Valuation
FRS: Fantasy Reporting Standards
P/E: Parole Entitlement
EPS: Eventual Prison Sentence

Bull Market: A random market movement causing
an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market: A 6-18 month period when the kids
get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and
the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high
and selling low.

Value Investing: The are of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their
pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker: What my broker has made me.

"BUY-BUY": A flight attendant making market
recommendations as you step off the airplane.

Standard & Poor: My life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split
your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers
his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper
and cigarettes.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it
disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor
sucker for $240. per share.

Windows 2000: What you jump out of when you're
the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240./share.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now
locked up in a nut house.

Profit: Religious guy who talks to G-d.

What Flower Are You?

I am a Canna What Flower Are You?

Borrowed from

Born Again Redneck

This is pretty cool. I ended up a Canna.

Click NComment with Loads of links.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my doberman Spike. He won't bother you. But whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See, men just don't listen ! **************
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch , so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it B - Babe I - In T - Total C - Control of H - Herself

B = Beautiful I = Intelligent T = Talented C = Charming H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful I = Individua l T = That C = Can H = Handle anything

Send this to 5 women to put a smile on their face!! "If you can't do something right, get a woman to do it...



Old ladies and condoms
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

~~< * >~~
This is bad.

This is why I don't trust tree huggers!
While walking through the Boulder, Colorado woods, a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his
arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened
to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story. The other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and
said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
* >~~ ~~< *
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs ... a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"


The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his
license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to
have to spend the night in jail. "What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz
demanded. "None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
~~< * >~~
I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all
the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and
have his legs checked out. For years, he refused, told me I was
crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor
discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit
of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly
the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You
didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He
just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."
~~< * >~~
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following
hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path in Central
Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a
strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what
would you do?" The police-officer-in-training replied without
hesitation, "I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
~~< * >~~
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to
have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you
tell the jury what she said?" "Objection, your honor," shouted the
other lawyer. There then followed a long argument between the lawyers
as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the
judge allowed it. "So," the first lawyer continued, "Please, answer
the question. What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house
after breakfast on December 3rd?" "Nothing," said the witness. "No
one was home."
~~< * >~~
My sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time. She went into
labor, and my brother bundled her off to the hospital. A short time
later, I arrived to keep him company, and he met me in the lobby.
"Come back ," he said. As we walked through the maternity ward, one
patient gave my bulging figure a startled glance. "Will you look at,
that!" we heard her exclaim to her roommate. "There he goes with
another one!"



In case you guys have forgotten.......
Medical facts which all males should be aware of.......
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. In reality there isn't much difference since either one will ultimately result in your death.

@>`~~~~>,~~~
Subject: Blonde Selling Her Car
Blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot
of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000
miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with
at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to
make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell
the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of
mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'.
Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell
your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the
mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked
the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000
miles on it!"


Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!!

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house
on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite
out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
it.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don

't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a
turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Called: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering... ..does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their
trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on
my tires and....well. ... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and
help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what? Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller:
I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on
it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the police. :>)


A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted
to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he
could think of but none of them worked. On the day of
the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial
was about to begin he asked if he could approach the
bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this
trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I
took one look at the man in the blue suit with those
beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a
crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could
not possibly stay on this jury!"

The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are
just the kind of juror we are looking for -- a good judge
of character. That man is his lawyer."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a
seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big
Lobster Tales, $5 each.
" Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for
lobster tails ... . . . is that correct?" "Yes", she said, "It's our
special just for today." "Well", he said, "they must be little lobster
tails." "No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster." Are you sure
they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?" "No", she
said, "it's the really big red lobster." "Big red lobster tails, $5
each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!" "No, they're
definitely today's." "Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he
repeated, astounded. "Yes", she insisted. "Well, here's my five
dollars," he said, "I'll take one.
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit
down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder,
leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really
big red lobster ..."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35
M.P.H. zone.
"What'll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the police officer
that he was a self-described "perfect" driver.
The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license. "Did
your husband go duck hunting this morning?"
"Yes," I said, baffled as to how he knew.
The officer finished with, "I stopped him for going 47."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she
cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he
got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a
circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh,
you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck
and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a
smile on her face. He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The
truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and
gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around
and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4
times."


After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has
been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a
detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be
found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been
returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two
tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your
car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to
rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two
tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and- western music
star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return
home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been
taken from though out the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a
note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my
newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's injury is punishment enough

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life.
"Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms,
drought, wind, animals--not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if
you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow." "Life certainly is a
gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you
haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?" "As in any other gamble,
" said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking
female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all
released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for
a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would
have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into
jail. Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a
proposition.

Doctors VS Guns

Okay this has been around forever and ever. I still like it.

Doctors and Guns
================

Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million.
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year all age groups is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188 Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
...of course this is a joke.
Isn't it?

Wierd News Round Up

Bolt from Aircraft Crashes Through Oz Man's Home

New images suggest there's no lunar ice after all

Geller seeks "heir" on TV


An alien abductee, an oil and gas company and Bela Lugosi's son battle it out in court

U.S.A. Adopts Tough New Space Policy

Swarm-bots are go!

U.S. Undertakers Admit to Selling Body Parts from Corpses

Unusual meteorite found in Kansas

Another stingray stabs man in chest - USA

Scientists create invisibility cloak

Russia probes reports Spanish king shot drunk bear

Teenager catches piranha in pond

Facial expressions 'hereditary'

Enfield poltergeist investigator dies

Jots and thoughts

I adopted this little witchy frog from http://www.spundreams.com
Shortcut through the pics there is tons of fun at this site should you choose to waste some time and take a peek.


I thought I would give some brief thoughts on a couple of things. This week has been a nightmare. Something I have not identified set in last weekend.
(I suspect the flu visited early) Most of this last week was spent in a horizontal position, hoping and praying it would pass soon.

Uncle Mac is closing down his blog that was the frosting on my buns. I will miss him.
I didn't comment much when I was reading blogs. The absolute outrage I felt only made me feel worse. When I read an article that some idiots are trying get/force the Amish to take food stamps. Then there was the Koran in a cat pan thing that is posed to be a hate crime? The double standard contributed to my headache. The list goes on and on.

The blog-o-sphere is filled with voices from everywhere. Some positive and filled with good news and others ugly and gloomy. The child molesters have a voice in this giant world. What really should be happening when someone finds a site they believe is promoting pediphilia they should contact the https://tips.fbi.gov/ or call the local FBI and report what you have found. Making a big deal over these sites, only tends to send the creeps underground and makes the cops job that much harder. Even if you manage to get google or whoever to ban the site.
What have you accomplished?
Not a damn thing.
The kids are still being used and abused.
The chances for helping them have declined.
The chances of an arrest and justice is declining.
Try giving the cops a chance to find these people.
As angry as harming kids makes me, I have choosen to bide my time and turn the sites over to the agency that can deal with it. These agencies have the power, time and resources to sort out the ugly truth and justice will be served.
Think about it before you react. Think about which is better for the children.

Woohoo Update UncleMac is sticking around. He is going to tuffen up. Bout dang time if you ask me.

Some Chuckles

Subject: The zipper In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give >her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once >again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached >behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan >smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after >you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. They
stopped her and decided she had had far too much to drink, so instead
of taking her to jail they offered to drive her home. The cops loaded
her into the police cruiser and one of the officers got in the back
seat with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they
kept asking the woman where she lived, but all she would say as she
stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate." They drove awhile
longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked
his arm: "You're Passionate." The officers were getting a little
upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have
driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us
where you live." The drunk lady replied, "I keep trying to tell you,
"You're Passin' It!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A man was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a
policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said finally. "How
would your wife carry on if you should die?" "Well..." drawled the
weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine --
long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."


Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman
asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although
the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not
something to be denied. When the condemned prisoner arrived at the
gallows, the hangman gasped, "My God, you have the most beautiful
body I've ever seen." Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours
if you keep your trap shut."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
The other day, I went to the local disco, and I showed the doorman
my driver's license and one of the wheels off my car. He asked
what the wheel was for. I said, "the guy on the radio said you
were checking ID's and a tire."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
In France, rioters looted stores. Actually to be politically
correct you cannot call them looters anymore. You know have to
call them undocumented shoppers. (Jay Leno)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A man in Pittsburgh who was shooting pigeons was mistaken for
a sniper. What Vice President Cheney was doing in Pittsburgh,
nobody seems to know. (Jim Barach)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Has your husband lived up to all the things he said before you
were married?" "No, He's only lived up to one of them." "Which
one was that?" "He said he wasn't good enough for me."


"Which would you rather be in, an explosion or a collision? "
"A collision, any day" "How come? " "Because in a collision,
there you are; In an explosion, where are you? "
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A handsome advertising executive attended a party given by a female
colleague and left with an extremely attractive guest. In the office
the next morning, he thanked the hostess and explained that he
really liked her friend. "Oh, she's not really a friend of mine,"
the girl responded. "Just an acquaintance. " "Well, in that case,"
the man chuckled, "I'm happy to have made your acquaintance. "?
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Spinach has been pulled off the shelves because of an e.coli scare.
Grocers say a recall is unnecessary. Most people with probably
toss it on their own. (Alan Ray)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Terrible traffic gridlock in Manhattan today. I don't know if you
know the reason, but it's because dozens of world leaders are in
town at the United Nations today. France sent President Jacques
Chirac, Canada sent Prime Minister Stephen Harper, and Mexico sent
the five guys who aren't already here. (Conan O'Brien)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The White House office of National Drug Control Policy will run
anti- drug videos on YouTube narrated by Rush Limbaugh. (Bob Mills)




SKI SEASON WARM-UP · Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. · Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. · For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your street shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes. · Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. · Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line. · Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. · Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. · Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker! · Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. · Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. ·
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
The Titanic had only 20 life boats.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
I was pretty bummed when I realized that since I have a girlfriend
now, I won't be able to go strip clubs anymore. But then she told
me about something called a strip MALL! And the best part is,
she's totally into it and wants to take me there this weekend! Am
I the luckiest guy in the world, or what?
------
I am a bus driver for high school kids. It is Christmas time
and the kids all gave me cards and presents. Now I'm thinking,
"Man I must be a good driver and the kids even like me." I opened
one of the cards when I got home.

On the inside the card it said: "Thanks for not killing us yet. We
really appreciate it."




The following are different answers given by young school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them fr om the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

A young lady was a theater major applying for fall semester classes.
At the end of the busy day she goes back to her dorm and enters in a
huff of anger. "What's wrong, Shelly?" Asks her roommate. "Well, all
the acting classes are filled. I couldn't even get into Mime class."
"Why not?" "How should I know? You can't get a word out of those
people!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young man was talking to God. "How long is a million years to You?"
he asked. "A million years to Me is like a single second to you," God
replied. "How much is a million dollars to You?" the young man asked.
"A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you," God replied. "In
that case," the young man ventured, "Could I have one of Your
pennies?" "Certainly, My Son," God replied. "Just a second."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
It had been a great year. He had never had as fine a wheat crop in
all his years of farming. He was able to fill not only the large silo
but the two smaller ones as well. And he had sold his crop at a
premium price. Unfortunately, the day before the tankers were to
arrive to pick up his crop a major storm hit and the roof on the main
silo leaked. Using their powerful vacuums the workers tried to
deliver the wheat crop from the silo into the tankers but were
unsuccessful. When they asked the farmer what he wanted done, he
answered, "If at first you don't suck seed, try dryer grain."



Seven Stages of the Married Cold

Stage 1: Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby
girl. That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about
these things with all the strep that's going around.
I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general
check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible,
but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from
Rosini's. I've got it all arranged with the floor
supervisor.

Stage 2: Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough.
I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you
go to bed like a good girl just for papa.

Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like a
little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you
something. Have we got any canned soup?

Stage 4: Now look, dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids
and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd
better lie down for a while.

Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?

Stage 6: Why you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting
around barking like a seal all evening!

Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me?!? Are you trying to
give me pneumonia?!?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't try to actually read this word for word - it'll give 'ya a migraine !!
LOL

*Vocal Dyslexia*

There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 Americans 15 every
minutes. Vocal Dyslexia it's called. An elment I've been lifing all my
fight. It can warn without striking and has no regard for case, read, or
crolor.

Symptoms:
~ speechaled garb
~ backs coming out wordward
~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together

The victims: innocent people like you and pe

Sadly, Vocal Dyslexia is wilding liek spreadfire and there is no cureful
symp, butthere is hope. The dyslexia foundation has recommended these things
3:

3rd: at the first trub of signale phonsult a confition
2nd: stay in bed and drink flenty of pluids
1st: read as can as you much

For more information write: 999 Teenfifth Street, Grand Mapids, Ricaghan

Thank you muchy ver.

Friday's Funnies

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They
got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had
no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the
driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We
understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again
and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun
scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would
be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the
trucker replied.

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say
something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it
slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and
said, "Dear Lord, help me."

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was 3 old men at the nursing home sitting
by a pool talking about old
times. One of the men asked the other two what was the
worst sound they ever heard. The first old man said,
"Well I was in Africa once and had a herd of wild elephants
come in my direction and I had no place to hide."
The second old man said, "I was a pilot in the air force
and was flying over the ocean and the engine on my plane
was making bad noises like it was going to quit."
The third old man who had asked the question said, "I have
the worst one of all. I was seeing this woman and her
husband came in on us while we were in the bed together.
I jumped up and ran and jumped out the window."
The third old man paused and the other two men asked,
"Well, what was the bad sound?"
The third old man replied, "Just a minute. This is
hard for me to retell."
After a short pause he said, "Okay, I jumped out the
window and the woman's husband grabbed me by the balls!
So there I was, hanging by my balls, and the worst sound
I ever heard happened. It was the sound of a man trying
to open his pocket knife with his teeth!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
The triangular shape that Toblerone chocolates are packaged in, is protected by law.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Marriage Joke A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled but brought him the beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, one more beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top! "You b**tard! You waltz in here, flop your fat a*s down, don't even say 'hello' to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed, "Oh sh-t, it's started."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
The largest diamond that was ever found was 3106 carats.




Weird Fact :
Mexico City boasts the world's largest taxi fleet with over sixty thousand taxis running every day.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away. For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him. Probably not the same elephant then.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Any Last Requests?

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad
the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being
very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something
specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they
asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing.
It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing
squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No,"
the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that
I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a
special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is
my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite
song, one whole time through, with no interruptions. " The guard nodded
and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of
beer on the wall..."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid
claim to a World Series championship (1906):
-
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
-
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
-
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team
lose to more clubs.
-
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th,
70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
-
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
-
6. Harry Caray was born....and died.
-
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won
championships in each league.
-
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs
pitchers.
-
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected
-
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
-
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
-
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became
the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope
that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
-
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National
League
-
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the
team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted
and been taken down.
-
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
-
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several
thanked Cubs pitchers.
-
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
-
18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the
Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
-
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority
of them.
-
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the
Union


Mad

1) Your cow insists on wearing a little steak sauce
behind each ear as cologne.

2) She refuses to let you milk her, saying
"Not on the first date."

3) Your cow takes up painting and cuts off
one of its ears.

4) Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

5) Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be
a horse trapped in a cow's body.

6) Your cow demands to be branded with the
'Golden Arches Logo'.

7) Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

8) Your cow thought Bruce Seldom would beat
Mike Tyson.

9) Your cow insists evaporated milk comes
from thirsty cows.

10) Your cow quits the family dairy business
and applies for a job at Burger King.

11) She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

12) Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because,
hey, its already got a cool leather jacket.

13) Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than
eating it.

14) Your cow spends half the day sitting in the
Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.

15) Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate
milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

16) Your cow seems to actually enjoy being 'Hogtied'.

17) Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if
you'll wear something sexy this time.

18) Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and
yells out "Bull's-eye"!

19) Your cow starts smoking the cowlick.

20) Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be
called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".

21) Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of
stupid cows.

22) Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk
spurts out its nose.

23) You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn
down half of Chicago.

24) Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

25) Your cow believes it could really jump over the
moon, like in the nursery rhyme, if it got a really good
run at it.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Becky and Sally Ann were blondes and doing some carpentry work on a
house.

Becky, who was nailing down siding would reach
into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her
shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into,
asked, "Why are you throwing the nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my
pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw
them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You
moron! The nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the
house!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty
when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the
ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks
buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming
out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was
abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer
under way.
The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised
when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio
message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal
congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise
according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however,
you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the
Captain is aboard before getting under way."



Charles, a Frenchman, was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks and
confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so
long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing.
There's always the doubt, always the doubt."

Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close
friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."

"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank
you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife, but it's just
that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."

So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three
weeks later. The two men met again.

"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said. "The very
first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your
wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her
breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs.
Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them
in the bedroom."

"And so...?" inquired Charles.

"Well, first they took off all his clothes"

"What happened then?" asked Charles.

"Then," Pierre shook his head sorrowfully, "then they closed the
curtains. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."

Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the
doubt, always the doubt."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of
x-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but the
store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On her way home, Bambi
puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She sees everyone in the
street naked. She takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their
clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"

As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her
husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her
husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the
glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back on, and
they are still naked.

Bambi then says: "Darn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're
already broken!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Will I be the first to do this to you ?"
whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally
consented to sex.

"What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I
don't even know what position you want to use
yet."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting
office. After answering numerous questions, he was
finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy
admitted that he was.

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you
think you could kill a man?"

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days
and days."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

My ideal measurements for a woman are...
80 ~ 20 ~ 102
80 years old
20 million in the bank
102 fever




Desert

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After
dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this
looks pretty grim."

I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two."

I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out
of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was
wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind
if I touched them? She consented and he fondled them for several
minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh
Father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he
was sporting a huge erection.

Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
produce life." "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the
hell out of here."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"It's funny,"says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always
cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the
same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you
blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing
in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A
good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You
should try it."
She says she'll think about it. The next morning,
they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is
sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get
that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.
"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him
how strange it was that his balls were so warm,
seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."




Weird Fact :
Peter the Great executed his wife's lover, and forced her to keep her lover's head in a jar of alcohol in her bedroom. (And the problem with this was?)
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There were two good ol' boys from the South,
who love to fish, and they wanted to do some
ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada,
so they took off up there. The lake was frozen
nicely. They stopped just before they got to the
lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice
pick." So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at
the shop and said, "We're gonna need another
dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask
some questions, but he didn't. He sold him
the picks, and the old boy left. In about an
hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna
need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer.
"By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows
doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even
got the boat in the water yet."

How To Tell

White Trash Wednesday Again

The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending hiscompany's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker,but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol, so he had more than usual.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass ofwater on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees hisclothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eyestaring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hotbreakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.His son is also at the table, eating.Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

~~< * >~~
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years togther. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is... and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said dad, "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said dad, "we're just glad you were able to come."
When the daughter arrived she said: "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished their dessert dad said: "There's something your mother and I have been wanting to tell you for a long time. You see, we were both very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but somehow we just hever found the time to get married.
The three children all gasped and the oldest asked: "You mean we're all bastards?"
"Yes" replied dad, "and cheap ones too!"


Weird Fact of the Day:
A squash ball moving at 150 kilometers per hour has the same impact of a .22 bullet.
~~< * >~
WATER... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1
liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have
absorbed more then 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found
in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, (or rum,
whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go
through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and
be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am
doing it as public service.

@>`~~~~>,~~~
Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer
service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on
her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the
monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's
somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections. "
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is
dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or
report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . .
the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"
Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given) After they get the fax ...
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129,
Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
What fun it is dealing with "customer service"



A guy walks into a pharmacy.
He says to the pharmacist, "I've heard a lot about that
viagra stuff. Does it really work."
The pharmacist says, "Yeah, it works great."
The guy asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
Pharmacist says, "Well, if you took enough I suppose you could."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#

Thought I would share something my son put together
a few months back. He loves the game kingdom Hearts
2 and he downloaded clips and music and came up with
this. He is only 14 but when he gets older he wants to
design video games. I think I has a good start at it so
far.Here is the link to the video he did. Hope you like it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3Lt8Xxz7yw


Weird Fact of the Day:
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What's up, Dad?

Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of
"scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get
scratched as a result of this contact? Son: Well, yes, I
suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?
Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I
understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son: From The President of the United States.
Thank you Bill Clinton..... ...Look what you have done for our society!




Jerry Falwell's New Crusade

The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from
the Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of
gayness." His reasoning is because the character is purple (a
"gay" color), has an antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol)
and he carries a purse. However, as I see it, Falwell's work is
far from over.

FRED FLINTSTONE

Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-
Toes,". The show's theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have
a gay old time," he wears a little orange dress with triangles
on it and he hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.

BUGS BUNNY

Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a
hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag and
he loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out
Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting,
speaks with an obvious lisp.

____
VELMA (of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: She always tries to sit next
to Daphne in the van. She sports an
obvious butch haircut. She has broad
shoulders. She is always wearing a
thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks
and she never once attempted to shag
Shaggy.

POPEYE

Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears
a sailor suit even though he hasn't been on
a ship in years, frequently does little
sailor dances, dates a flat-chested trans-
vestite named Olive Oyl and his best
friend is named Wimpy.

BATMAN & ROBIN

Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy
Wonder," Batman's real name is "Bruce,"
they both wear tights and they both are
in great shape.

PEPPERMINT PATTY
Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly
voice, she always wears pants and not
dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts
girls, she plays a mean game of football,
she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie,
she always wears comfortable shoes and her nickname is "Sir."

PINK PANTHER:

'Nuff said
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
After the miraculous landing of the stricken Air Blue plane at Los Angeles,
reporters interviewed the passengers. The first one they talked to was a
rabbi. "Your name, sir?"
"I am Rabbi Jacob Schwartz from Santa Monica"
"How did you feel when you became aware of the plane's problems?" the
reporter asked.
"Well, I was a bit apprehensive, but I put my faith in God, and we were
spared," he said.
The next person off the plane was wearing a collar. The reporter also asked
him his name, "Father Daniel McCurdy of the Los Angeles Archdiocese" "and
how did you feel as the plane circled about for three hours?"
"To be perfectly honest, I was pretty nervous about it, but I offered my
prayers to the Lord, and He answered them."
The next person off the plane also was wearing a collar. "Your name, father?
"My name is William Jackson."
"Are you also with the LA Archdiocese?"
"No, I am an Ecopalian."
The reporter said, "Ecopalian??? I have never heard of that denomination"
"Coming down on that plane just scared the piss out of me."

Start with a chuckle

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity! "
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes
put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some
change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time." The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant." The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible. The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch. Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me." "Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror... "Shit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the othersisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year- old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she nocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,"So am I. Let's have a beer."

@>`~~~~>,~~~

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"




DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see overthe dash board. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.!

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,"Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The British are wonders of craftsmanship, always trying to invent new
weapons for war. They have invented a weapon which flings a pointed
stick thru the internet. Of course they had to give them a sexy
name. They are called Britain E-Spears.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The chief of a poor Native American tribe, where there were no paved
roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved,
and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did
well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a
bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after
graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with
plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son
was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down
the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the
lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to
work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction
drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights
for the path leading to it. It was constructed and was an immediate
success. This chiefs son will go down in history as the first Indian
to wire a head for a reservation.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check
it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve
and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm.
"Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!" "Aha!'' says
the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#

The children of a prominent family chose to give the patriarch a book
of their family's history. The biographer they hired was warned of
one problem. Uncle Willie, the "Black Sheep," had gone to Sing Sing's
Electric chair for murder. The writer carefully handled the situation
in the following way: Uncle Willie occupied a chair of applied
electronics at one of our nation's leading institutions. He was
attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as
a true shock."


Steinberg and Fleisher, partners in the garment industry had just
suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports
coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming
closer.

Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he
began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've
been looking for them everywhere."

Steinberg said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made
whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a
handsome profit.

"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order
this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't
anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday,
the deal goes through as planned."

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously
waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning
went by without incident. Steinberg and Fleisher were closing up shop
when, at ten minutes to five, there was a knock on the door:
..."Telegram! "

The partners froze. Trembling, Fleisher grabbed the telegram and opened
it. Suddenly, his face lit up.

"Steinberg, GREAT NEWS! Your sister died!"

@>`~~~~>,~~~
My eyelids snap open at exactly twenty-two hundred hours, responding to
an inner alarm that sounds whenever a daughter is out on a school night.
Curfew has darkened the land, and any children caught outside the
perimeter are now subject to arrest and the torture of telephone
deprivation.
I pad down the stairs to my daughter's bedroom. Every light is on and
her stereo is blaring, sure signs that she's not home. It is now two
minutes after ten o'clock, and normally I'd call 911, but those people
got surly with me last time because I phoned it in as a "possible child
abduction" due to the fact that my daughter's date wore an earring.
I glance out the window and freeze: The boy's car is in the driveway.
Well okay. I flick on the outside lights, helpfully flipping them on
and off a few dozen times so the occupants of the car will know what
time it is.
There's no reaction. I peer at the vehicle, but the windows are dark
and pitiless, coated with the light mist that is falling. What are they
doing out there?
Well, that was a bad question to ask myself! I try another burst of
light flicking just to give myself something to do, but I know the only
way I'm going to be able to settle this matteris to go out there, knock
politely on the window, and spray the two of them with the garden hose.
I'm not garbed for such a diplomatic undertaking- -I have on a pair of
pajama bottoms and nothing else. What I need is some protection against
the elements, something waterproof. With chains and hooks hanging from
it. And grenades.
Okay. I open the coat closet and discover where my son put all the junk
last time he cleaned the living room. I could try my own bedroom
closet, but I don't want to take the time. For my bare feet I find a
pair of duck slippers--big, puffy clunkers with plastic duck heads on
them. There are no umbrellas, but I do find a hat--one of those hunter
caps with ear flaps that tie under the chin. This one is an
incandescent orange so that fellow hunters won't think that maybe they
ought to open fire on the thing wearing the ear flaps in case it is a
deer. The hat is so bright it seems to be giving off its own light--I
look like a cross between Elmer Fudd and a road flare.
Naturally, even though I am searching through a coat closet in my
house, none of my own coats are available. I finally decide to struggle
into one of my kids' old jackets, a nylon job with a picture of Daffy
Duck on the back. I have something of an outdoors motif going.
I survey myself in the mirror before heading out. Regrettably, the
tight hem of the jacket falls a couple inches short of bridging the gap
to my pajama waist, creating the odd illusion that my stomach sticks out
in a roll of belly flesh. I toy with the idea of tying the ear flaps
under my chin, but decide not to go that formal. I grab a flashlight
and step out into the rain.
I'd forgotten that my duck slippers quack when I walk in them, which
threatens to ruin the element of surprise. Actually, it is less a
"quack" then a "wheeze," as if the ducks are lifetime smokers.
I bang on the implacable car windows, wait a moment, and then yank the
door open, the car alarm splitting the night air.
No one is inside.
When I get back into the house, my daughter and her date are standing
in the kitchen, looking concerned as I quack in out of the rain.
"Hi!" I call cheerfully.
"I just needed to use the telephone... " the boy stammers uncertainly.
With a quick glance back at my daughter, he scampers out of the house.
"Oh, Dad, how could you do that?" my daughter demands, whirling and
bolting from the room.
I stand there in the middle of the kitchen, scratching my head.
How could I do WHAT?
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the
class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and
the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by
asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class is surprised, and
finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million
people and they are about 1.5 billion.
How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not
the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the
Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs,
and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?

Click-N-Comment

Laura Bush bought "Dubyah" a parrot for
his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The
bird is so smart! George has already taught
him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said.
"But you realize that he just 'says' the words.
He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the
parrot."


@>`~~~~>,~~~
A long time ago, Britain and France were
at war. During one battle, the French
captured an English colonel. They took
him to their headquarters, and the French
general began to question him. Finally, as
an afterthought, the French general asked,
"Why do you English officers all wear red
coats? Don't you know the red material
makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer
informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that
if they are shot the blood won't show, and
the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all
French Army officers wear brown pants.

@>`~~~~>,~~~
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was
time to get married. She put an ad in the local
paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much
to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray
haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had
no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not
really asking me to consider you, are you? Just
look at you...you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around
on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.
"Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed
a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell,
didn't I?"



A wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs
for breakfast. Husband walks in. She turns
and says, "You've got to make love to me this
very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks,
"This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces
her and then gves it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to
the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks,
"What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer is broken."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture. )
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children


Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy
looking blonde lady!
He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an
eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."
She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.
He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the
bathroom. "Bet you I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next.
The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth & nipped his ear.
Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.
Mickey lifted her skirt & away they went.
"I can feel you." she giggled.
"Oh well," he grinned, "You win some, you lose some!!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her
Breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the
Organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
Done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up
Some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would
Shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons
Though. Because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and
You won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
Said.......
"Dwew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not haff a thermon
Twewday"

Wierd & News

Lightning exits woman's bottom

Ancient nuclear blasts and levitating stones

Pink makes prisoners see red


Pope may decide to abolish limbo

Boffins to create human-rabbit hybrid embryos

Man paid to watch paint dry


Cat parasite influences sex ratio in human babies

Drill Hole Begins Homeric Quest

Firefighters fight fire-firefighters

Big grey mouse first new mammal identified in years


Plant eats mouse in French botanical garden

Time capsule to be beamed from Mexican pyramid

Another Thylacine Photo?


Plaster cast leads to hunt for Bigfoot

New flame-coloured finch found
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Low-Key Democrat Leads High-Stakes Senate Race
Social Conservative Bob Casey Is an Unlikely Party Hero
By David FinkelWashington Post Staff WriterSunday, October 15, 2006; Page A04
READING, Pa. -- For Bob Casey Jr., it was one of the good days in his campaign to send Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) into political obscurity. Morning brought word of a new poll showing him with a 12-point lead over Santorum, who is the third most powerful Republican in the Senate, and evening brought an adoring audience to a fundraiser here in a private home, where Casey said with growing confidence, "I really believe this race is about America."TheRestHere
*****************



With Eye On 2008, Kerry Goes After Bush
By Dan Balz
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, October 15, 2006; Page A07
MANCHESTER, N.H. -- Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) barely said hello to the New Hampshire Democrats who filled a banquet room here Friday night before unloading on President Bush.
"This war in Iraq is a disgrace," he said in the second sentence of his speech at a party fundraising dinner.TheRestHere

Sunday Funnies

(shaking head) some laws are a tad odd.. lol


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse tha n "going blind!") & nbsp;
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betra yed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's il licit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have s ex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vendi ng machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



"OTHER GREAT EXCUSES NOT TO GO TO WORK"

"My dog ate my car keys."

"My migraine headache is really bad. I should probably sit in a
cool, dark movie theater for a while."

"My son dropped the car keys in the toilet and I sent him in after
them. Now I'm waiting for the plumber."

"I have to buy some new skis. I left my old ones in a tree."

"My computer is down. I'm trying to cheer it up."

"If I came to work today all I'd think about is the beach and a cold
beverage and distracted employees aren't productive and just cost
the company money. So it's better all around if I stay home today."

"I have a sick kid. The adult goats, however, seem to be doing
fine."

"I'm having car trouble. The trouble is I don't own a car."

"Calling in sick today, boss. I guess aspirin doesn't work on
Spring Fever."

"I won a sauerkraut and sausage eating contest yesterday. You
don't want me there today. Trust me."

"I'll need a couple of days funeral leave. There's been a death
in the family. Someone moved my fern too close to the heating duct."

"I'll be putting my eight hours in ... just not consecutively. "

"I have to see the doctor today. Apparently there's still a piece
of brain left in my head."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
New Age Diet Rules:

* If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories. Zero, zip, nada, zilch!

* If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

* When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you
don't eat more than they do.

* Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

* If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

* Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints,
Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories
because they are part of the entertainment package and not part
of one's personal fuel.

* Cookie pieces contain no fat -- the process of breaking causes
fat leakage.

* Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are
in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on
a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

* Foods that have the same color have the same number of
calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms
and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may
be substituted for any other food color.

@>`~~~~>,~~~

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to
stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready
for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
attitude... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. Father's Day? Baahh--don't worry about that--no biggie.

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might
want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one
of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run
or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever
he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an
earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for
you to spend.

And the #1 thing you will never hear...

1. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not
good enough for you, son?



Sir is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library,
reading a newspaper.

Suddenly, John rips the door open and shouts: "Sir, the Thames is
flooding the streets!"
Sir looks up calmly from the newspaper and says: "John, please. I
have already told you. If you do have something important to tell
me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet
and civilized manner, about the issue. Now please, do so".
John apologizes and closes the door behind him. Three seconds after,
Sir hears a knock on the door.
"Yes?"
John partially enters the room, and with a wide gesture makes
an invitation as for somebody on the outside to enter: "Sir,
the Thames".
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at
the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture
as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from
the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the
neighbors!"
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.
"I can't," he said, "I've drank it."



~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
"Did you hear about this guy down in Washington, D.C. that was
shooting at the White House? He was a former NBA player ...At
first the FBI thought he played for the Knicks because he missed
every shot." ~David Letterman
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Last night Katie Couric debuted as the anchor of the 'CBS Evening
News.' At the end of the broadcast, she asked viewers to recommend
a signature sign-off. So far, the frontrunner is 'Stay tuned for
some kind of CSI'." ~Conan O'Brien
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Ernesto -- you've heard about this storm? Gathering speed,
heading up the East Coast. They said Washington might be hit.
That's when you know the federal government has its head up it's
a** when the hurricanes have to come to you." ~Bill Maher
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Earlier this week a man passed away while on Amtrak. No one
noticed the man was dead until after the 23 hour train ride was
over. People realized he was dead when they discovered he smelled
better than anyone else on Amtrak." ~Conan O'Brien
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"President Bush says that we are now safer than we were five years
ago. Sure, now that we got Paris Hilton off the road." ~Jay Leno


Massage Parlor Rubs Client The Wrong Way

LONDON - About $7,000 worth of damage was done to the lobby of
a massage parlor by a client who was unhappy. David Albert, 41,
admitted he trashed the front entrance of the Mirage Exotic Massage
because he thought money had been taken from his clothing. After
Albert had received a massage on March 1, he went storming into
the front lobby screaming and yelling. He destroyed a front desk,
the phones, a heater, a lamppost and various other objects.
"I didn't realize massage was supposed to have that effect,"
said Ontario Court Justice John Getliffe after hearing what
happened. Albert's lawyer, George Grant, said his client thought
$140 had been stolen from him.

------

Mourner Finds Herself in Grave Situation

NEW YORK - A retired teacher who visited the graves of her loved
ones every day was struck and killed by her own car while visiting
a New York cemetery. Evanglistia Vartholomeou, 76, emigrated to the
United States from Greece in 1965 and regularly visited the graves
of her brother, sister, mother and a nephew, who died of cancer at
the age of 3 in 1979. Niece Katherine Vartholomeou told the New York
Post her aunt spent her life caring for family and apparently left
her car in drive at Maple Grove Cemetery in Kew Gardens by mistake.


On television my 88 year old stepfather and I saw an attractive
woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way
up to her waist.
"Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked.
"Maybe that style makes their legs look longer," I speculated.
"No," he said," I think it makes the men look longer."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Medicine is sky high. I got one prescription that says, "Take one
capsule as often as you can afford it."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into
my own pants.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three; the rest are true stories.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Man: "I have seen you looking at me all night and I know I make
you think of sex."
Woman: "Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick."



A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The
judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me
why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a three-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the
big deal about a three-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache'
and the second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and
the third story is, ..." NO DAMMIT..we'll wake the children. ".
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Nathan had the most responsible and terrifying job in the world. His
job was Keeper of The Lever.

The Lever he guarded had only one purpose. At a specified time
and by a specified order from 'higher up," he was to push The
Lever. When The Lever was pushed, the entire world, as we know it,
would be destroyed.

It was the ultimate doomsday device. Nate's job indeed, carried
an awesome responsibility.

His location was not secretive or hidden from the world. It was
on a very narrow road off a main thoroughfare. Consequently many
tourists drove by to look at Nate as he guarded The Lever awaiting
the word from "higher up."

People waved at him as they drove by and Nate would wave back,
however, he always kept one hand on The Lever and a watchful eye
on the signal panel.

One day, after a bevy of tourists went by, Nate noticed a small
dog wandering in the road. As he glanced up the roadside, Nate
saw another busload of tourists coming toward Nate's location, and
seeing The Lever, was a major tourist attraction in the area. As
the bus came nearer, the small dog was still in the middle of the
road unaware of the oncoming vehicle.

Nate had a dilemma. He wanted to snatch the dog from danger, but
couldn't leave his post at The Lever. The busload of tourists was
coming closer. It was apparent that the driver was more intent on
describing the upcoming sight than watching the road.

Suddenly, Nate made a decision. He would save the dog.

Leaving his post, he ran onto the narrow road, snatched up the
small dog and started running back to his position.

The bus driver suddenly saw the scene before him. It was too late
for the brakes, so he swerved on the narrow road to avoid Nate
and the dog, then swerved back and headed right for Nate.

The bus hit Nate dead on.

Later, the bus driver explained his actions. "I had a choice and
made it. The road was too narrow. There were only two things I
could hit, The Lever or Nate. I chose Nate."

"Why"' someone asked.

The bus driver replied. "Better Nate than Lever."

Who Reads What

1.The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2.The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3.The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the
country.

4.USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't understand the Washington Post.

5.The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could spare the time.

6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country.

7.The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country.

8.The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country, as long as they do something scandalous.

9.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is
a country, or that anyone is running it.

10.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

Who reads what?

A Mess-O-Fun

Nun

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his
office.
This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the
dark!!!!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The Marine General's inspection visit could not have gone better. The
General himself was personally skilled with firing weapons and, in the
past, had won every marksman award the Marines had to offer. While
working with one Marine, the General quizzed him how many rounds should
be fired at one time. "SIR! Six to eight, SIR." "Very good, Marine. How
do you calibrate that weapon to fire six to eight rounds?" The Marine
hesitated a little bit, then said, "SIR! Would you be offended if I told
you how we calibrate our weapons when I was in the Fleet Marine Force?"
"No, of course not, son." "SIR! We pull the trigger and say, 'Die,
mother fucker, die,' as it takes 6 to 8 rounds to say that
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When I lived in an apartment complex, a good
friend of mine lived there also and decided
it was time for her to get a boob job. Since
I'd been through it, she asked me to go with
her.
Everything went well, and that summer we were
both at the pool getting some sun.
One of the regular guys in our group, who'd
had his eye on my girlfriend for some time,
said to me, "There's something different about
your friend this year, but I can't quite put
my finger on it."
After I finished laughing, I said, "And you
probably never will either!"



A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house
for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife
is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing
leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps,
"We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he
replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of
searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he
exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like
best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert." "The artwork," says
Robert. "Very good. And you, Peter?" "Her tits!" says Peter. "Peter, get
out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you,
Johnny?" "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful
butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very
beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up, so she decides to take
a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful Butt" tattooed
on her butt. She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks
she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful
butt". She then tells the man she wants "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her
cheeks. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your butt, it takes up
too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letter B on each
cheek and that can stand for "Beautiful Butt." She agrees and gets it
done. On the man's birthday she hears him come home and she is only
wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the
door and she says "Look honey." She then takes off the robe she is
wearing, bends over. The man yells "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Three gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation. The first
one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all those
handsome men shave in the mornings."
The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face
in their dicks and asses."
The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say, and replied,
"I'd love to an ambulance. I would love to have three or four men stuck
through my behind at a time and then run through the streets of the city
shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Q: What is the definition of a smart ass?
A: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it
is.



Bubba: I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death.
Elmer: What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to
death?
Bubba: I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had
to work all the freakin' time!
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to
see a man enjoying himself. Men like the lights on - so they can get the
woman's name right.
That explains why bisexuals prefer sex under strobe lights.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a piano
player. A scroungy-looking, old, retired Navy Chief entered the bar and
told the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't
too impressed with his looks but said, "What the hell," and pointed the
old sailor to the piano in the corner.
The tattooed old veteran sat down and started to play the most
beautiful, melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever
heard. All talk stopped while he played, and when he finished with a
musical flourish, they all applauded.
"Hey, man, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?"
"That was an original composition I call, 'Drop Them Panties And
Grease-Up, Woman, 'Cause It's Gonna Be A Long, Long Night.' "
"Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?"
The old sailor broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought
the bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished,
when they again gave him a thunderous round of applause.
"You are great, man. Really great. What do you call that one?" asked the
bartender.
"That's another original little ditty I call, 'I Wanna Lick Yer Bare
Butt, Baby, 'Til I Make You Bark Like A Fox.' "
The old sailor then turned around on the bench and said, "If you'll
excuse me, I need to use the restroom."
While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting
immediately. When the old musician returned a few moments later, the
bartender said, "If you want the job, it's yours."
He looked down and noticed the old sailor hadn't "quite" finished his
trip to the restroom."By the way," he asked him, "do you know your pecker is hanging out for all the world to see?"
"Know it? Hell, I WROTE it!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his
dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he plucks
up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and
she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night arrives and the man shows up at her house laden with
flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing
but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please
come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you
while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are
both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room,
introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can
imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely
silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and
Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom
suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her
knickers and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly,
Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes
her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match
stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence
and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes
the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down
her pants and throws another glass of water over her nether regions. Dad
leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks
under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior
and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening
is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the
goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks,
"What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you,"
replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I
was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked." After pleading with
him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the
story. "Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her
skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over
her behind." "I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if
that isn't enough your Father races from his chair, leans Mom over the
couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a
match stick under each eye lid." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.
"It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get
this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching
the match.'"


Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The
first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go
back to his
house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off her
clothes,
lay down on the bed with legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me
twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked
her in the face!"

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Little Johnny was participating in a spelling bee
During class. He had to spell the word and use it
In a sentence. The teacher asked him to please
Spell the word EAR.

Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR, E-A-R.

Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a
Big hit off a joint, and while pretending to have his
Lungs full of smoke, he passed the pretend joint to
Little Suzy, and said...

"Ear."
Day


@>`~~~~>,~~~
I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club
or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I
became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. This happened to me and it could
happen to you!!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old
well-built guys come over to your car as you
are packing your shopping in the trunk.
They both are shirtless and start wiping
your windshield with a cloth and Windex,
with their highly-defined chest muscles and
rock-hard abs exposed. It's impossible not
to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride
to another Sam's Club or Costco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On
the way, they start talking about what they
want to do to you. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and begins kissing
your neck and begs you to pull over so he
can make love to you!! While this is going on
the other guy steals your purse!!

I had my purse stolen last Tuesday,
Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on
Saturday, yesterday , and most likely
tomorrow.

See ya'll at Sam's!



A friend of mine asked if I knew the name
of any good divorce lawyers as he was going
through a rather messy marriage breakup.
I called another friend who had been
divorced three times. He looked up the
names of three lawyers and gave them to me.

"Are they good at what they do?" I asked.

"I know they are," he replied. "They
represented my ex-wives."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
These three guys escape from Alcatraz
prison. One is British, one is American, and
the last one is Scottish. But now they're
bored and so they're wandering around
thinking of something to do. "Let's play
golf." The American finally says.
"I don't know how to play that." The Scot
says. "Oh it's easy, " answers the Brit, "all
you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole."
"I got the ball, " says the American, "I got
the stick, " says the Brit. Then the Scot
says, "I don't wanna play."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
"The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt." - Jerry Seinfeld

@>`~~~~>,~~
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and said, "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"


The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of who could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause.... The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex." "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." "And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied, "Big tits."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"If you're ever feeling low, just take a saunter over to the local bus station, and you'll perk right up. It looks like a Munster family reunion. There are people with teeth like Indian corn, eyes pointing in different directions, Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets used as luggage. And you know nobody there has ever filled out a long form in their whole lives" - Dobie Maxwell

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
· Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"? · Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? · Why is a boxing ring square? · Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it? · Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? · Why is what doctors do called "practice?" · Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? · Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

@>`~~~~>,~~~
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."



Two guys from Minnesota are sittin' in a boat on Mud Lake fishing
and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Harry sips his beer and says; "You better think it over -
women like that are hard to find."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Two old women were sitting on a bench talking.
One asked the other: "How's your husband holding
up in bed these days?"
The second old woman replied, "He makes me feel
like an exercise bike."
"How's that?"
"He climbs on and starts pumping away, but we never
get anywhere."

Freaky Friday Funnies

One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver. "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver. "I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50 eh?", quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not getting in the fricken car"! answered the boy.
"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies, the driver offered". "NO", screamed the boy."What will it take to get you in the car"? Asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it"!
~~< * >~~
The pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked."Doctor, you must help me," Lainey pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.""I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve so you have the morals to quit screwing doctors?""For God's sake, no!" exclaimed Lainey. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
*********
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer does just that.The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbour’s farm, and sees the neighbour’s kid out by their barn."Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her arse!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A friend of mine recently came home from a trek across Europe. He
started in Spain, made his way through France and Italy, and took a
jaunt through Austria on his way to Germany. He was traveling along when
he came upon a town in Austria called Fucking. Folks, this is a real
town. It was supposedly founded in the sixth century by a guy named
Fucko. My buddy saw the sign and just had to stop. He ate in a diner,
washed up and went on his merry way happy to have experienced Fucking in
Austria. About a half-hour after Fucking, he got a flat tire. He went to
change it but the spare was flat as well. While waiting for a good
Samaritan to come to his rescue, he noticed that he no longer had his
passport. He realized that he must have left it on the table in the
Fucking restaurant. Finally a motorist came by and stopped. My friend
explained his predicament, but the locals were en-route to some ancient
Celtic festival and could not lend a hand. When they told him this, my
friend began to plead. "Come on, help me out. Let's get back to Fucking,
then you can leave. It's getting late and I don't want to be on the
street outside Fucking all alone." "Sorry," was their reply, "you'd
better start walking." "Well then, excuse me," my friend said a little
pissed. "I have to get back to Fucking myself."
*********

A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded
elevator. Suddenly a woman in front turned
around, slapped him and left in a huff.
The little girl remarked, "That's okay, Daddy, I
didn't like her either, she was stepping all over
my toes. That's why I pinched her."
************
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Don 5 and Jim 3. The boys began to argue
over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus
were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother
have the first pancake. I can wait."

Don turned to his younger brother and said,

"Jim, you be Jesus."



These are the laws of the natural universe:

~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.

~ Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone rings.

~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's
never anyone in the checkout line.

~ Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You're sure you hear the phone
ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.

~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone
you know increases when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.

~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.

~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.

~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats
are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

~ Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will
last until the coffee is cold.

~ Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

~ Law of Natural Attraction: If you and your date are the
only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five
will set up right next to you.

~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced
jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

~ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

~ Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you
don't know what you are talking about.

~ Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~ Law of the Last Word: "Hey, watch this!"

@>`~~~~>,~~~
One night my husband, a retired Army colonel, was watching a program on
TV about paratroopers. As one D-Day jumper began to comment, Lee
exclaimed,
"That's Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him."
Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, he quietly
remarked.... ..
"You know you're getting old when you have more friends on the History
Channel than in the news."
------
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the
drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all
wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with......
"I think I'd throw up!"



The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From
the International File in Livorno, Italy comes the story of a 19
year old bozo who felt the spark had gone out of his relationship
with his 18 year old girlfriend. To try to rekindle the flame,
he decided to recreate a scene from Romeo and Juliet. With his
girlfriend waiting for him on the balcony, he began to climb up
the side of the building. Sad to say, the lovers did not let the
neighbors in on their little plan and one of them was awakened
by the noise. Noticing a strange man climbing up the side of an
apartment building, he called the cops. The police awakened the
girl's parents and that's when Romeo decided to fess up. The cops
took pity on him and decided not to press charges.

@>`~~~~>,~~~

When my friend was pregnant, she was having a hard time with the
weight she'd gained. One day her husband persuaded her to go to
the beach for the day. "There I sat, with my bulges and potbelly,"
she told me later, "and this gorgeous girl, about 18 years old,
walked by in a fluorescent pink micro bikini. And I started to cry."

"When my husband asked what was wrong," she continued, "I said,
'Just look at that beautiful teenager. My body will never look
like that again"
"He rolled over and glanced at the girl in pink, and--here's how
I know I've married a special man--he took my hand and kissed
it. "You know what, Honey?" he said. Neither will hers."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
According to a new book called "Men, Love and Sex," 50% of women
want their men to take control in bed. The other 50% want their
men to put down the remote control in bed.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
According to a new survey by Zogby International, 70% of men say
that breast implants are not sexy. Sure! Guys are going to Hooters
for the food! Those little chicken wings are so delicious!
@>`~~~~>,~~~
They've come out with a new Tickle Me Elmo Doll that lies on its
back and kicks its legs in the air. Don't confuse this with the
Paris Hilton Doll. That's totally different!



A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in
search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap,
goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning
slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one
of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served
as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm
an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well now you are editor-in-chief! "
@>`~~~~>,~~~
My twin boys were only seven years old when their paternal
grandmother announced she was getting remarried. We were all
thrilled for her, since she had seemed so lonely since Grandpa
passed away a few years before. We broke the news to our boys,
who were sitting in the back of the car. Grandma is getting
married again," we said.
Jon had a look of thoughtfulness on his face for a while.
He finally asked, "Is she going to have more children?"
Before we had a chance to respond, his twin brother Mike shot back
this answer: "No! She can't. She already had them. It's like
chicken pox. Once you get them, you can't get them again."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Bozo criminals for today come from the Domestic Dispute
Division. From Carrollton, Texas comes the story of an unidentified
couple, a 92 year old woman and her 86 year old husband. It seems
the two lovebirds got into a verbal altercation in which the
92 year old woman swatted the 86 year old man with a rolled up
newspaper (well, it does always work with the dog). The dispute
became more and more heated and police had to be called to calm
the two parties down. The cops arrived and discovered the fight
was over laundry. The woman was upset because, as she said, she
couldn't remember how many times she'd told him not to put her red
sox in with his white T-shirts. For his part, the man, who is hard
of hearing, said he'd rather go to jail than put up with any more
of her complaining. Cooler heads prevailed and no charges were
filed. Maybe they can just have their laundry sent out...


The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was
leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked
church.
"I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Bozo criminal for today comes from Racine, Wisconsin where bozo
Gerald Williams purchased what he considered to be some bad
cocaine from a local dealer. Our bozo was arguing with the dealer
in question, demanding a refund. Suddenly he came up with a bright
bozo idea--he would call police headquarters and have them send
an officer over to settle the dispute. A patrol car was dispatched
and unbelievably the bozo let the officers into his house, showed
them the drugs and asked them to help him get his money back from
the dealer, who was still there. (Obviously there's more than one
bozo in this story) The officers tested the drugs and settled the
dispute by arresting both bozos.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A woman's three-year-old walked into the kitchen and announced
she'd figured it out: "When I get older and have babies, you'll
be their grandmother. "

The mother was impressed with her deductive reasoning until she went
on with a glint in her eye: "...that is if you live long enough."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day
I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said
to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not
the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's
my husband - the fat one."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
Up to 75% of people who try cocaine will become addicted to it. Only one out of four people who try to quit will be able to without help.
@>`~~~~>,~~~

Just a Quick note

A note for those of you that haven't heard
Dee_of_TheChatterBox
is under the weather
So lets all say a prayer for her

Gayle

has something I am snagging and sharing here.

" According to Bob Woodward in his book

"State of Denial",

President Bush is absolutely certain he is on the right course in Iraq.

Woodward recounts an incident when President Bush invited key

Republicans to the White House to discuss Iraq, the president told them:
"I will not withdraw even if Laura and Barney

are the only ones supporting me."

Click on this link and send an e-mail supporting President Bush:

Laura and Barney.

The Joy of Thursday is........Friday.

I added a list of cheap tricks and tips instead of joke here( relax its at the bottom).
I have tried several of them and they do work.



@>`~~~~>,~~~

*Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work*

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank
you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,
I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that
my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange
for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly,
I will be in late, or early.

Two blondes were skiing at Aspen, when they got into a debate
about the best way to ski down a particular hill.
"The best way is down the left side of the course, where it's
nearly all powder," said the first blonde.
"No, the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is
packed tight," argued the other.
"Look," said the first blonde. "Let's get another opinion. There's
a guy dragging a sled up the hill. Let's go ask him."
The second blonde agreed, and in a few minutes the two caught up
with the guy.
"Excuse me," said the first blonde. "I say the best way to ski
down this hill is to take the left side of the course, where it's
nearly all powder, and my friend thinks the best way is straight
down the middle, where the snow is packed tight. Can you tell us
who's right?"
"Sorry, ladies," said the man, "but there's no use in asking
me. I'm a tobogganist. "
"Oh," said the second blonde. "Well, in that case, can I get a
pack of Marlboros?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~

TOP 14 SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING

14. Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

13. pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

12. Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

11. Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

10. New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to
your backyard.

9. That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.

8. Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to
unacceptable levels.

7. The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

6. "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

5. You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son
of Gus.

4. Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

3. Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro
Man's chest x-ray.

2. You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning...

1. The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin
Williams a run for his money.




The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally
written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy. "Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent With that, Joe dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Go on home to Boston." "Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?" The agent replied, "I recognized the picture of Ted Kennedy in the middle





1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair

2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish

3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes

4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair

5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any.

6. Lipton Tea use brewed Shiny Hair

7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water

8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste

9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!

10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too

11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer

12 Chigger bite - Preparation H

13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H

14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)

15. Stinky feet - Jello!

16. Athletes feet - cornstarch

17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub

18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)

19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!

20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper

21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray

22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby

23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls

24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corns starch and watch them slide on.

25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!

26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!

27. Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of <>Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak.

28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!

29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!

30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste

31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.

32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.

33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter!

34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked-on food to adhere to it. So ak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!

35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!

36. Dirty grout - Listerine

37. Stains on clothes - Colgate

38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup

39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!

40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.

41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water.

42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Green, Thursday = Red, Friday = White, and Saturday = Yellow. So if tod ay was Thursday, you would want red ! twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue - Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very eas y to remember I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.

It's Come to My Attention

If you came here looking for your link you will have to search for it. It is probably hidden in a picture.


I started awhile back putting links in pictures. I have also added sites that might intrest you. Instead of just listing links on a post. I decided to have a daily snipe hunt of sorts here.

I have gotten no feed back to this little game. So I will assume everyone that wants to know what is hidden will seek out the links. Those that don't, will not bother. They will ignore the game.

I don't really care for the track back thingy. I do enjoy following links on other blogs.
But being me and walking to a different drummer, I thought playing find the hidden link is much more fun. Oh and by the way if you don't like the snipe hunt. Look up in the top right hand corner there is a little x, run your curser up there and click on it. That should take care of any problems.



Click a picture and
Happy Hunting.....

Pissy

There is a lot of blogs I surf by every day. I dont' always leave a comment. Most of them have more than enough of a comments to keep them busy. I don't really recall how I stumbled across Uncle Mac but I am glad I found him. He has a very enertaining blog and I have learned a lot from him.
Of course I love a man in uniform. heheheh Okay I know he isn't in unform any longer but hey its the thought.
Mac has a blog roll that I have attempted to put on my side bar. That is if Blogroll will work sometime today. The entro pic is below. Hopefully it will work.

White Trash Down and Dirty (R)ated

Warning before reading set down your beverage.
Make sure you have tissues handy.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why are there two Senators for each state?
A. Somebody's got to be the designated driver.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the definition of real disappointment?
Just when you get the rocks piled up, the cow walks off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for
publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer
because he claims he can get himself off." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In Germany, paramedics rescued this 40 year-old man who
got his manhood stuck in the vacuum cleaner. The man told authorities
his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual - he didn't
want any attachments. " --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know
anybody who rested to death?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man asked the little boy, "Do you want a cocker
spaniel?"
The little boy thought for a moment and said, "I think
I'll take the spaniel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hippy was seen crawling down some railway tracks.
When asked if there was a problem, he said, "yeah man,
can you help me off this ladder!"




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you've had a good blow job when...
You have to pull the sheets out of your butt when she is done. Your
pecker has the dry heaves for three days afterward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the definition of a smart ass?
A. Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe without
knowing the combination; in Georgia it's an AIDS-free white girl on the
pill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When NASA puts 20 head of cattle into outer space, it will
be the first herd shot around the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yo momma so poor she goes into Macdonald's and puts a small fry on
layaway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I discovered that I scream the same way, whether I'm about to be
devoured by a great white, or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
- Axl Rose
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for
mayor, "Your former secretary said publicly that you have a small penis.
. . .Would you please comment on this?" "The truth really is," replied
the politician, "That she has a big mouth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frustration: Being 23d in line for a gangbang and finding out it is your
sister.


Decker wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his coworkers were
continually ribbing him at the factory. One in particular, Gus, would
greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
"Say, Decker, you seen Ben?"
"Ben, who?"
"Ben' down and kiss my ass!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Decker confided in his
more worldly brother, who said, "Listen. Next time you see this guy, ask
him if he's seen Eileen. He'll ask, 'Eileen who?' and you say, 'I lean
over and you kiss my butt!'"
Memorizing his lines, Decker went to the work early to wait for Gus. As
soon as the bully arrived, Decker ran over.
"Hey Gus, you seen Eileen?"
"No," Gus answered, "she ran off with Ben."
Decker frowned. "Ben who?"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Over near England is a very little island, called the Isle of Man, and a
very peculiar thing about the people, on this island is, that they don't
believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they can't keep
horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly called an ass. Some
have just ordinary asses that you wouldn't look at twice, others have
extraordinary asses. The mayor has an ass that nobody looks at twice,
but his wife has a beautiful ass. People who really know asses say that
she has one of the finest asses that they have ever seen. Men often stop
her on the way to the market to pat her ass. On Sunday they all go to
church on their asses. Sometimes the girls ride the boys asses and
sometimes the boys ride the girls asses. Now of this particular Sunday
the preacher had to leave immediately following the sermon so he thought
he better have it handy, so he tied his ass just outside the window.
During the service a fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass.
The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but
there was a big hole and he fell into it. Which goes to show that even a
preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market
one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The
merchant said that they were four for a dollar. The
nuns said agreed to purchase four. The puzzled
merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when
there were only three of them. A nun answered back,
"Well, we could always eat one."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Lucy went to college. However, she really worried her folks because all
she ever wrote home about was boys and good times.
Her mother decided to have a serious talk with Lucy when she
came home for a weekend. The mother started out by saying, "Now, dear,
if you are only going to college to find a husband, it certainly will be
expensive shopping."
"Yes, I know, Mom," said Lucy, "but what a supermarket. "



There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To god she would pray
To lengthen and stregthen and thicken 'em.
************ ***
With scars on his wrinkly skin,
Wide gaps in his slobbery grin
And three warts on his nose,
But with good taste in clothes,
He models apparel for men.
************ ***
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of
her eight-year-old students. Taking him aside
after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny,
why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With
whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see
how silly that is? It's true that I would like
a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a
child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly,
"I'll use a rubber!"

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

@>`~~~~>,~~~
Weird Fact :
A peanut isn't a nut it is a legume. A peanut is a member of the pea family.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The thing I really miss about my old job is the great group of
guys we had in maintenance and the tricks we played on each other
when all of our machines were running and we were bored. One of
my favorite ones took me all of about ten seconds to do. Todd
always changed from jogging shoes to his steel toed boots when
he got there and changed back before he went home because of his
children's babysitter's light colored carpet and that in his own
house. For those of you that have ever done any carpentry work,
the chalk powder for a chalk line comes in a small bottle with
a nozzle for filling the holder. I chose the blue chalk over the
red and shoved the bottle into the toes of both shoes and gave it a
hefty squeeze. At shift change Todd put his shoes on without looking
and left for home. as I walked in the next morning I was greeted by
Todd with a, "You *******." Seems he got home kicked his shoes off
and walked across his carpet before looking back at the big blue
footprints across the floor. Fortunately most of it came up with
the vacuum cleaner. Todd never did really get even for that one.


Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?