The Last Treats Dished Up

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly deaf
old man the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."
Just then the drugstore phone rang and the pharmacist answered.
As he did, the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of
the
store with his prescription. The clerk realized the mistake and
shouted but the old man did not hear and kept walking. When the
pharmacist
finished his call, the clerk explained what had happened. The
pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register. He
said to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents' profit is better than nothing."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two elderly gentlemen spend their afternoons sitting on a bench in front
of a barber shop arguing about current affairs, debating political
issues and discussing life in general. Among their favorite arguments
concerns which of the local brands of beer is the best. The one
gentleman has his favorite, while the other gentleman favors a different
brand.

After several years of listening to this argument, the barber in front
of whose shop the two gentlemen sit says, "There is a way you can
resolve this dispute once and for all. Why don't you send samples of
each brand of beer off to one of those new-fangled laboratories where
they can test them and determine which is actually the better quality of
the two."

The gentlemen find this suggestion appealing, and so they walk across
the street to their favorite saloon and ask the bartender to scrounge up
two jars, fill them with the respective brands of beer, and package them
up for delivery to the laboratory.

After a few months, an envelope arrives at the local post office. Eager
to read the test results, the two gentlemen scurry over to their
favorite bench in front of the barber shop and open the envelope. Inside
is a letter which reads, "Gentlemen -- Thank you for submitting the two
specimens. We are happy to report that both performed very well under
testing. In fact, it is our conclusion that both horses are in the best
of health."

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*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small
boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and
take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the
spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just
reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you
$30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By
the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Oh man. I've been transferred to New Jersey," the other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in New Jersey. They have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived in New Jersey all my life. It is
not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere
in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and
say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck in Camden."
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*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the
middle of the night and started to rob it. The
Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs
with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at
him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm,
but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with
his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had
sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some
lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked
the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new
doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man
continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now,
that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the
doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious.
I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a
'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she
did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group
of witches searching for a love potion.

They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was
highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her
permission.

They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small
white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight
for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful.
Wonderful news! He and the young lady were to wed in a month!

One of the witches told him, . . .

"Nothin says lovin' like something from a coven. And pills buried
say it best."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large,
raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing
what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please
give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Q. What is black and white and red all over?

A. A zebra with a sunburn.

Q. What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a Rotweiler?

A. Security for the 3rd floor.

Q. What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A.. Stick with me & we'll go places.

Q. What is black & white, black & white, black & white, & green?

A. Three skunks fighting over a pickle.

Q. What do you get if you cross a stick of dynamite with the white of
an egg?

A. A boom-meringue.


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Strange History You Didn't Get in High School
(the B.C. years)

3050 B.C. -
A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week,
the idea is stolen and duplicated by other
Sumerians, thereby establishing the business
code of ethics.

2900 B.C. -
Egyptians create Sphinx, one of Seven Great
Wonders of the Ancient World, but refuse to talk
about it.

1850 B.C. -
Britons announce Operation Stonehenge a
success after arranging slabs in sufficiently
meaningless pattern to confuse scientists for
centuries.

1785 B.C. -
The first calendar is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. -
Babylonians experience winter in June.

776 B.C. -
The world's first known money appears in Persia.
World's first known counterfeiter appears in Persia
next day.

525 B.C. -
The first Olympics are held in Greece. USSR
enters six footer with a mustache in women's shot put.

410 B.C. -
Rome ends the practice of enslaving debtors,
removing biggest single obstacle to the development
of the credit card.

404 B.C. -
The Peloponnesian war enters 27th year because
neither side can find a treaty writer who can spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C. -
Tens of thousands of Chinese people complete
1,500 mile long Great Wall. Neighbor's dog gets
through.

1 B.C. -
Calendar manufacturers argue over what to call
the next year.


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What on earth are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Q. Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

A. To improve his bite...

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

A. Frostbite...

Q. Why do witches use brooms to fly on?

A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy..

Q. What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?

A. A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Q. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

A. No, they eat the fingers separately.. .

Q. Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

A. Because they don't have any body to go out with...

Q. What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

A. Booberries.. .

Q. What is a vampire's favorite sport?

A. Casketball.. .

Q. What is a vampire's favorite holiday?

A. Fangsgiving. ..

Q. What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?

A. Shrinkenstein


20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags
of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick
or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret"
in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously,
say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and
quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When
trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have
everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can
figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an
unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and
don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into
the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked
and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run
around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you
give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their
candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone
who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing
through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters
for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a
calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests,
explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten
candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it
again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your
porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you
open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.
Slam the door when you're finished.

Treats and hidden links for Today

Driving Down Memory Lane
HARDLY A DRIVER IS NOW ALIVE WHO PASSED ON HILLS AT 75 Burma Shave

Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs
TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave
Remember these? For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40s. Before there were Interstates when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet..... .and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave
And my all time favorite: PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave
Don't stick your elbow Out so far It may go home In another car. BURMA SHAVE

You might be a Redneck if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch
Has more teeth than your spouse.

~~< * >~~
At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife. "What is this for?" "For you headache, dear." "But I don't have a headache." "Good

Bad English?
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Detour sign in Kyushi: "Japan Stop Drive Sideways."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - no ice cream."

In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."




An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his digestive system upset.

Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Loosing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What was that all about?" Still staring down at his feet, the drunk
Replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"




A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP. ...BUMP.. ." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP. ..BUMP... BUMP..."

The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster. ..BUMP BUMP BUMP.

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP. ..BUMP... On the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything.... all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly "the coffin stops."
(Thanks Gayle)




A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"



OREO Triple Layer Chocolate Pie

Prep Time: 25 min
Total Time: 4 hr 25 min
Makes: 10 servings

32 OREO Chocolate Sandwich Cookies, divided (about 3/4 of 1 lb. 2 oz. Bag)
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine, melted
2 cups cold milk
2 pkg. (4-serving size each) JELL-O Chocolate Flavor Instant Pudding & Pie Filling
1 tub (8 oz.) COOL WHIP Whipped Topping, thawed, divided

FINELY crush 24 of the cookies; mix with butter. Press firmly onto bottom and up side of 9-inch pie plate.

POUR milk into large bowl. Add pudding mixes. Beat with wire whisk 2 minutes or until well blended. (Mixture will be thick.)

SPOON 1-1/2 cups of the pudding into crust. Gently stir 1/2 of the whipped topping into remaining pudding; spread over pudding layer in crust. Chop remaining 8 cookies; stir into remaining whipped topping. Spread over pie.

REFRIGERATE 4 hours or until set.


Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
"Would you like another piece?"

What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.

What did the French fries dress up as for Halloween?
Masked potatoes.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'd like a beer and a mop!

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk


Let's all join Humuhumu as she takes us on a 10-cent virtual tour of the Jungle Room at Elvis Presley's Graceland, shall we?

The Salem Witch Trials

The Salem Witch Trials of 1692 In January of 1692, the daughter and niece of Reverend Samuel Parris of Salem Village became ill. When they failed to improve, the village doctor, William Griggs, was called in. His diagnosis of bewitchment put into motion the forces that would ultimately result in the death by hanging of nineteen men and women. In addition, one man was crushed to death; seventeen others died in prison, and the lives of many were irrevocably changed.
To understand the events of the Salem witch trials, it is necessary to examine the times in which accusations of witchcraft occurred. There were the ordinary stresses of 17th-century life in Massachusetts Bay Colony. A strong belief in the devil, factions among Salem Village fanatics and rivalry with nearby Salem Town, a recent small pox epidemic and the threat of attack by warring tribes created a fertile ground for fear and suspicion. Soon prisons were filled with more than 150 men and women from towns surrounding Salem. Their names had been "cried out" by tormented young girls as the cause of their pain. All would await trial for a crime punishable by death in 17th-century New England, the practice of witchcraft.
In June of 1692, the special Court of Oyer (to hear) and Terminer (to decide) sat in Salem to hear the cases of witchcraft. Presided over by Chief Justice William Stoughton, the court was made up of magistrates and jurors. The first to be tried was Bridget Bishop of Salem who was found guilty and was hanged on June 10. Thirteen women and five men from all stations of life followed her to the gallows on three successive hanging days before the court was disbanded by Governor William Phipps in October of that year. The Superior Court of Judicature, formed to replace the "witchcraft" court, did not allow spectral evidence. This belief in the power of the accused to use their invisible shapes or spectres to torture their victims had sealed the fates of those tried by the Court of Oyer and Terminer. The new court released those awaiting trial and pardoned those awaiting execution. In effect, the Salem witch trials were over.
As years passed, apologies were offered, and restitution was made to the victims' families. Historians and sociologists have examined this most complex episode in our history so that we may understand the issues of that time and apply our understanding to our own society.

Happy Halloween!!!!!!

Oklahoma Survivor Show

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Oklahoma is planning to do its own entitled: "Survivor - Oklahoma Style".

The contestants will start in Tulsa , travel over to Tahlequah and on to Muskogee and McAlester . Then they will head to Durant on to Lawton and

Altus.

From there they will proceed to Anadarko then up to Alva. Then back down through Woodward, Enid and all the way down to Oklahoma City thru El Reno and finally back up to Tulsa.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with Texas license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads: Bob Stoops is gay.

I'm a vegetarian.

Biscuits and gravy clog your arteries. The Oklahoma Sooners suck....

Go Longhorns...

Beef Jerky is high in cholesterol.

Hillary in 2008.

Hunting is murder and

I'm here to confiscate your guns.

The first one that makes it back to Tulsa alive - Wins....


Weird Fact :
Diamonds were first discovered in the riverbeds of the Golconda region of India over 4,000 years ago.
********* *
Weird Fact :
Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the building of the Hoover Dam in 1933.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
Levan, which is located in Utah, got its name from "navel" which is levan spelt backwards. It was named this because it is in the center of Utah.
~~~~~~~~~
THE FUNNY THINGS KIDS SAY

Kas was taking care of her 5-year-old grandson, Weston. He
asked why her tummy was so big, and Kas told him she was getting
older, weighed too much and had a sickness that makes her tummy
swell. He thought for a minute and then asked, "Are you going to
have a baby?" Kas told him no, she was too old. Weston got a big
frown and said, "Darn!" (He had overheard his mom saying there won't
be any more babies and he saw Grandma as his last hope!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When Reagan, 2, eats all her food her mother says, "Reagan, you
ate it all. You are such a piglet!" Reagan laughs but lately she
has an answer all her own. She replies, "Mommy, you're a pooh!"
Just the other day on the way to work, she changed it a bit. After
the usual piglet exchange, she replied, "Mommy, you not a pooh. You
a Mommy." Then a few minutes later, "Mommy, I not a piglet, I a
Reagan!" It made her mother Melanie laugh all the way to work and
definitely made her day.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
The first subway system in America was built in Boston, Massachusetts in 1897.
********* *


Halloween Joke
A little boy dresses as a pirate for halloween. At the first house he goes to, a lady answers the door. "Trick or treak?" the little boy says.. "Oh, what a cute little pirate", the lady says "you got the little sword, the little black eye patch, the pirate hat..oh..how cute..and where are your buccaneers little pirate?" she asks.. "Under my buckin' hat, lady."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Trick or-Treating started in 9th century European with a custom called "souling". On November 2, All Souls Day, people would walk from village to village begging for "soul cakes". These were square pieces of bread with currants. And for every soul cake the beggars got, they said a prayer for the dead relatives of the donors. Today, Trick or Treating is just for fun. And most children say their favorite Trick or Treat candy is either chocolate or gum.
~~< * >~~

TODAY'S QUOTE
"Old age ain't no place for sissies."
Bette Davis
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Out Of Gas
A young nun who worked for a local home health care
agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of
gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just
one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough
gas to start the car and drive to the station for a
fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas
can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she
would care to wait he was sure it would be back
shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she
decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry
to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan
she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she
carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline,
and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car,
two men watched her from across the street. One of
them turned to the other and said:
"I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if
that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for
the rest of my life



~~< * >~~
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat a rumor . . .
In ancient Greece, Socrates (469 - 399 BC), was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really"
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man slunk away, defeated and ashamed . . .
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem . . . . It also explains why he never found out that
Plato was sleeping with his wife.

~~< * >~~
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Heaven

Sam and Henrietta were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty
years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to
the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last
decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a
rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to
show them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine
silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped
in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your
home now."
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your
reward in Heaven."
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What
are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free,
every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks
to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is
all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Henrietta. "Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink
as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat
or sick. This is Heaven!"
Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
Sam glared at Henrietta and said, "You and your darn bran muffins.
We could have been here 15 years ago...."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
FLORIDA TRAVEL AGENT TERMS

Old world charm ... Room with no TV, radio or phone,
and only 1 light.

Tropical .... Rainy.

Majestic setting ... Out in the swamp, at end of dirt road.

Options galore ... Nothing is included in the price.

Secluded hideaway .......Directions to locate unclear.

Some budget rooms .....Sorry, already occupied.

Explore on your own .....At your own expense.

Minutes From ???......... ..By helicopter

Romantic ............ ......... . No Phone or alarm clock in room

Knowledgeable trip hosts ... They've flown in an airplane before.

No extra fees ............ .. No extras available.

Bird Watchers Paradise.... .. Your car's paint will never be
the same

Nominal fee ............ ..... Outrageous charge.

Standard ............ ......... Sub-standard.

Deluxe ............ ......... ... Barely Standard.

Superior accommodations. .. One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.

All the amenities ......... Two chocolates, two shower caps and a extra
roll of toilet tissue.

Just Like Home........ ..... No Maid service.

Plush ............ ..... Both top and bottom sheets, bed
shakes.

Gentle breezes ........... In hurricane alley.

Light and airy ............ .. Window open...No air conditioning.

Picturesque ............ .... Theme park nearby.

24-hour bar .....Ice cubes at additional cost (when
machine works)


Hallmark's Hoops and Yoyo tell a story around the campfire thats just plain funny. Kids would like The Runaway Marshmallow. Part one. Part two. Part three.



Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, Morris, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" Morris exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A car hit a Jewish man, and the paramedics rushed to the scene. After
assessing the situation, they got the man on a stretcher and moved him
into the ambulance for transport to the hospital. He was not badly
injured, but enough so that they felt he should be checked out more
thoroughly than they were capable of doing in the street.

After getting the stretcher secured in the ambulance and as they
prepared to leave, one of the paramedics checked on the man and asked
him, "How are you feeling?"
"Okay, considering. " answered the man.
"Any nausea, dizziness, numbness?" asked the paramedic.
"No, none of that."
"Any shortness of breath or chest pain?"
"Nope."
"Are you comfortable? "
"I make a good living."


more ghost stories, the kind you can tell around a bonfire.

Big Chief Forget-me Not
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the
Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the
way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there
ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the
manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the
agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of
his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his
phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of
his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his
cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'dye, myte!" said
the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have
for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant
reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He
went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the East coast
and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me-not' s great memory. (One
local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an
Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.') On his return to the Vancouver Hilton
six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'
still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a
stick. "How," said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief.

Virtual Curry’s Haunted Castle.

If you want to scare yourself silly, watch this show about ghost photography, audio, and video, JK Cinema’s Urban Legends series: Ghosts. Its long, and has a long load time, so read the other stuff and come back to it. When you have time, make some more popcorn while loading. I wouldn't label this "adult content", but I wouldn't let the kids watch it. Nightmare stuff, ya know!

All Pictures have links have fun.

Click N Comment Today

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the
soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been,"
he sputtered. "What is it now?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She
said, "No," and slammed it down.
"Who was that?"
"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.
Then it rang again. Nancy listened, said, "KitKat," and hung up.
"What now?" I asked.
"A boy plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what
her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a
candy basket."
The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch. "But, Mom,"
our daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat isn't my
favorite candy."
"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant,
"You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury
of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked.
"They?re people just like you ' your equals."
"What the hell are you thinking about?" snapped the defendant. "I
don?t want to be tried by a bunch of damn thieves."


Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.... by David
Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes
with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.... .

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
********* *
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a
virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. -- P. J. O'Rourke
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Helpful Hint #32
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: Which officer is the butt of a lot of sailor jokes?
A: The rear admiral.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: Why did God give politicians one more brain cell than horses?
A: So they don't poop in the 4th of July parade.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a
hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.


Weird Fact :
Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products.
********* *
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after
a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society
of America used this in an ad slogan: "MS: It's not a software
company."
Exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have
been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the
association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford
to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's
apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction
that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.
The other is a disease.
~~~~~~~~~
The only thing the police had to go on was the book. It was the
one and only clue to the death of the young woman who lived alone
in the apartment above the alley.
Not a nice neighbourhood but that wasn't reason enough to be killed.
She'd been found by a friend earlier that evening.
There was some evidence of a struggle but the body was unmarked
except for a bruise on the left side of her head. Whoever did it
used the book to deliver the fatal blow. The corner was clearly
dented and some of the victim's hair was embedded in the cover.
The investigating officers concluded that it was probably a lover's
quarrel, but Chief Coltrane wasn't convinced.
"You say the book was the murder weapon?" He levelled his gaze at
the junior officers.
"That's right sir."
"She have a boyfriend?"
"Still looking, sir, but the friend says she wasn't seeing anybody
on a regular basis."
"Interesting, '' mused the Chief. He thought for a moment. "You
hotshots get the name of the book?"
The officers looked around sheepishly. Then one of them said,
"I might have it in my notes."
He took out his pad and thumbed the pages. He breathed a sigh of
relief when he found the title.
"Here it is right here, 'Mathematics 101 - An Introductory Text.'"
He shot the Chief a questioning look.
Coltrane closed his eyes and shook his head. "I was afraid of that."
The officers were puzzled. "Afraid of what?"
"A text book case," he answered, "We got us a math murderer on
our hands."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Simulated office experience when working from home...

Get up every day at 6am, iron a shirt, put on your suit. Walk half
a mile to the bus stop, stand in cold for 20 minutes. Get a bus to
somewhere miles away. Get off, stand in cold for 20 minutes again
and get bus back. Walk half mile back to house. It should now be
about 9am.
Decorate your 'office' with a stained carpet (preferably one made
of carpet tiles,) a strip light that flickers and a vending machine
which serves not-even-close- to-being- coffee.
Place a proxy between yourself and the web, pointlessly block any
sites that may have useful information relevant to your job. Only
allow yourself to unblock them after a week-long argument with
yourself via email.
If you smoke, don't do it in the building. Stand outside (in the
cold) and move at least 100 yards up the street, to avoid tarnishing
your company's corporate image.
Have daily meetings, where the main topic should always be how to
cut down on meetings so that actual work can be done.
At lunchtime, take another cold 20 minute walk to the local
newsagent, who will be happy to supply you with a disturbingly
cold sandwich from their fridge. The only one left will be egg.
Walk back to work, eating your sandwich and smoking at the same
time, for efficiency and to hide the taste of the sandwich.
Every 10 minutes, pick up the phone and say 'Oh, you should have
gone through to reception. Let me put you through... Oh, they're
not answering. Can I take a message?' After this, scrawl something
on a post-it note and wander around the 'office' for 10 minutes
to simulate finding the message recipient's desk.
At the end of the day, leave the office and perform the bus
trips again.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day Saint Peter approached Cecil B. DeMille, who was resting
on a cloud "You know," Said St. Peter, "Things are pretty dull
sometimes up in heaven. God was thinking it would be a good idea
if you make a movie."
"A movie?" squawked De Mille, "But I've retired, All I want is to
get some rest."
"Think about is, though," urged Peter. "You could have a script
by Shakespear, sets designed by Leonardo da Vinci, and all the
actors we have!"
Intrigued, De Mille said, "Ok. Sounds great, I'll get right
to work."St. Peter clapped his hands with delight, but his mood quickly
sobered.
"There is one thing, however," St. Peter said, shifting from
one foot to the other, "There's this girl who's a close friend
of God's...."I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda
comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend,
Carol just brought home from the store.
"You got that right ... I almost bought their elevator 'cause it
was marked down."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
This young woman brought her child into Children's Hospital for
a routine checkup. On the records, the nurse saw that the child's
first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude,
but wanting to know why this woman would name her child this,
the nurse asked her how Urine got her name. The woman explained,
"Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in the special
nursery. She was real sick and they didn't know if she would make
it. I couldn't decide what to name her, but the nurses said they
would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already
named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said
'Please save Urine,' so I knew that they had named my baby."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president,
Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in
his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago
when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds
of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the
lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his
wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays
in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had
second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were
a vice president of the hotel."
********* *
"Vice President Dick Cheney is donating $2 million to the
cardiovascular center that treats him. Actually for him it's more
of an advance." --Conan O'Brien
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Today President Bush said the United States is still under
the threat of attack. Then he went back on vacation. I don't
think President Bush really understands the severity of this
situation. Like when they first told Bush about the terrorist
plot against the airlines, he said, 'Let me guess, snakes on a
plane?'" --Jay Leno
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"This weekend in Los Angeles, California it's the Emmy Awards. I'm
not going this year. Last year was embarrassing. William Shatner
and I showed up wearing the same toupee."
--Dave Letterman
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey
is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has
a margin of error of 100 %." --Conan O'Brien
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

"Changing 'french fries' to 'freedom fries' was arguably the
Republican Congress' greatest accomplishment. Democrats would have
called them 'surrender fries'." --Stephen Colbert
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank
of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me
ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where
he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look
for the pole with a worm on both ends."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem.
Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."
~~~~~~~~~
The secret to enjoying a good wine is:
1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Bill was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he went in, he noticed
two pretty girls looking at him.
"Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with
himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a
girl had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when
you came in, they were speaking German."

Sunday Late Edition

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot
sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet
or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder
what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a
defective parrot."
" Wow," the guy replies. "You actually understood
and answered me!"
"I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly
educated bird." says the parrot.

"OK! Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?" the guy asks.

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very
embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my
weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"You really can understand and speak English
can't you?" says the guy.

" Actually, I speak Spanish and English, I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost
any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry,
but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so
the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have
any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just
make an offer!"

He offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a
great sense of humor, he's interesting and is a
great pal, he sympathizes and is insightful. The
guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst, " and motions him
over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell
you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered mail today, your wife
greeted him in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT?" the guy asks."THEN what happened?"

"The postman came into the house and lifted up
her nightie and began petting her all over,"
reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes, then he continued taking off the nightie , got
on his knees and began kissing her all over"

The guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off
my perch!"



Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year-old
man "You always feel like you have to pee and most
of the time you stand there and nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When
you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement
any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst
age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the
60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel
movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee
every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning
at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up till 7:00."

~~< * >~~
Our friend, Holly, a generously endowed young
lady, when at college, often got teased by her
sorority sisters for being a bit top-heavy.

At one fraternity party, a young man asked her
what she would like to drink.

"Diet soda, please," she replied. "Oh, you must be
the double D." he commented.

Holly was furious, wondering which of her so-called
friends had divulged such personal information. "And
just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.

Surprised by her angry response, the young man
meekly answered, "Well, you know, the
Designated Driver.


A husband and wife were celebrating their 80th wedding
anniversary, and the media was there to document the
occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their
successful marriage and longevity.

The wife replied that they had never been sick.

The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said,
"So, you've never been bedridden."

And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and
twice in a buggy."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
Weird Fact of the Day:
Popeye is 34 years old, weighs 158 lbs, and is 5 feet 6 inches tall.
~~< * >~~
During a revival meeting, the charismatic evangelist asked people who had a need to come up on stage. He went to the first guy and said, "What is your need, brother"?
"My hearing," he said.
The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, invoked the Lord and asked, "How's your hearing"?
"I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
~...~...~...~...~.
Jill meets Nadine for lunch. "You're looking very
tired today, Jill. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Jill, "but it was all very
strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I
found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a
genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow," says Nadine, "so what were the choices he gave you, Jill?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent,
sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my
boyfriend a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Jill, what did you choose?"
"I can't remember," replies Jill.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
PEST CONTROL A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, " said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little bastards!"




One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister. "

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"
~~< * >~~
Just keeping you posted so you will not embarrass yourself.
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, those of us in Arkansas and Missouri will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as: OZARK-AMERICANS.
Thank you! Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the plumber. The other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says, "I think my wife is having sex with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
~~< * >~~
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why
he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as ! I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Dave and I'm going to a
Halloween party."
~~< * >~~
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Saturday's Giggles and URLS

Thought for the day...
Stop obsessing so much on keeping
score and getting ahead. Focus
instead on creating real and
lasting value from each moment you
are given.

~~< * >~~
In a hurry to make an appointment on time, a businessman parked his
car in a no parking zone, and left the following note under the
windshield wiper:
"I've circled the block for 15 minutes without finding a parking
spot. If I don't park here, I'll lose my job. Remember the bible,
'Forgive us our trespasses.' "
Returning later to his car, he found parking ticket and this note
under the windshield wiper:
"I've been circling this block for 15 years. If I don't give you a
ticket, I'll lose my job. Remember the bible, 'Lead us not into
temptation."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
~~< * >~~
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large
amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been
paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them
saying,
"We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect
phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."



To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.
Finaly he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."

~~< * >~~
Weird Fact of the Day:
It is not possible to tickle yourself. The cerebellum, a part of the brain, warns the rest of the brain that you are about to tickle yourself. Since your brain knows this, it ignores the resulting sensation.


How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
and towel on head.

If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING 'CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

~~< * >~~

GOOD Comebacks!!!
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the
VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit
down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit
under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator. "

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar
for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd
probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?




From an MD. resident to his senator

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the
Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for
your assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they
referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status
from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the
bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted.

If my understanding of this bill's provisions is
accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the
United States for five years, all I need to do to
become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income
taxes for three of the last five years. I know a
good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the
process started before everyone figures it
out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally
have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited
about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in
return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way
that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This
would yield an excellent result for me and my family
because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin
using the local emergency room as my primary health
care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums
for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in
gaining illegal status would be that my daughter
would receive preferential treatment relative to her
law school applications, as well as "in-state"
tuition rates for many colleges throughout the
United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would
relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's
license and making those burdensome car insurance
premiums. This is very important to me given that I
still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the
process to become illegal (retroactively if
possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would
be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin




@>`~~~~>,~~~
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they
were given an activity requiring the husband to wear
a bag of sand to give himan idea of what it feels like
to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged
saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the
husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant,
the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his
wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."




When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head
of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he
said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The
human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his
desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven
years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young fairy princess who
dreamed of being a ballet dancer. Then one day, she read an ad in her
email that announced the Royal Ballet's next auditions in a nearby
town. So on the right day, the fairy princess geared up one hundred
white pigeons to her chariot, and off they flew to the theater. After
witnessing her outrageous entrance, the director immediately told her
to go back home. "But why?" wept the broken-hearted shell of a would-
be-ballerina. "Because," came the heartless reply, "I've got enough
pigeon-towed dancers in the company already."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for
her college education. One day she came home with five applications,
and later that evening we read them. Under "Previous Employment," she
listed "Baby-sitting." And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote,
"They came home."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few
acres of swamp land below the flood plain in Mississippi. Before I
knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I
built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery
to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as
sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder,
it all started to sink in.