This That And Frog Hair2

Martha Stewart For Rednecks

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 10:49:00 +0000

Martha Stewart For Rednecks

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
finger foods.

* * *

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

* * *

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good
his manners are.

* * *

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.

* * *

THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

* * *

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
Special occasion.

* * *

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

* * *

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

funnies

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:07:00 +0000

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

************

Tips for us ladies in year 2007

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt. a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2007 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend!

********* ********* *
Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."

She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She's such a Bitch....... .

sermon

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 12:50:00 +0000

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that
The entire range of human experience could be found in the Holy Bible.

He confidently stated,
"If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said
"Reverend, I don't think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman
he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.

During the following week,
he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and Verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday , the woman came up to him and asked,
"Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read,

"... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

joshua fit de battle of jerico
****************

Friends

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 18:33:00 +0000

Subject: FW: Fwd: CIVILIAN FRIENDS vs COP FRIENDS. Funny as shit and TRUE...Chris-

CIVILIAN FRIENDS vs COP FRIENDS

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when you are drunk. COP FRIENDS: Will post 360 degree security so you don't get caught.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs COP FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that Â no one is late for the ride home. COP FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you. COP FRIENDS: laugh at you and tell you to put some vagasil on your p*ssy.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. COP FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone. COP FRIENDS: Will Low Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. COP FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. COP FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. COP FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar. COP FRIENDS: Will man up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come. COP FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough. COP FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Bitch, you better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste..That's alcohol abuse!!!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week. COP FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore". COP FRIENDS: Will say "okay just one more" and then 2 minutes later okay just one more".

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you. COP FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!!

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you." COP FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this COP FRIENDS: Will forward this

THE FLAG I'll wave to all of you, as you leave

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 04:47:00 +0000

I'll wave to all of you, as you leave
when it's time for you to go.
As you sail from sea to shining sea
take the colors of your home.
Take me with you, wherever you go
keep me in your heart each night.
And if you forget what you're fighting for
remember me, in flight.
Take me out to the battleground,
and then tear me into shreds.
Wrap the bleeding wound with me,
and bind the aching head.
Plunge me into coldest water
to soothe the fevered brow.
Tie me across the shattered limb,
I'll support it now.
Let me dry the homesick tear,
and hold closed, the gaping chest,
for here, in the field, where hope is lost
I am at my best.
And then, burn what is left of me,
for warmth into the night.
So I may bring comfort, where there is need
and courage, for the fight.
My red is deeper, for the blood you've shed.
My white is purer, for your pain.
My blue will be bluer than the deepest sea
when you come home again.
Then I'll rise to the top of the flagpole,
where my colors are always flown,
and from there, when the war is over
I'll wave, to welcome you home.

A judge Check this out

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 16:02:00 +0000

We Need More Judges Like This Video

Laugh Time.

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 13:20:00 +0000

BEST OUT-OF-OFFICE E-MAIL REPLIES

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you
if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am
out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't
have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless
emails you send me until I return from vacation on September
30th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted
in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been
charged $10.99 for the first ten words and $5.99 for each
additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server
connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added
to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and
can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor'
to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time
for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost
my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya
goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a
little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!"
he
yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,"
said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the
doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a
new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking
he
had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his
head,
mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is
jar number 47, it's......"

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.
Thompson was cured and fled the room!

~~~~~~~~~
A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more prone
to
getting headaches. No reason is given.

But could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head
all
night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

------------

An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken
ill
and decides that he needs to see a doctor.

In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the
doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor
is a specialist.

The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything' .

The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if
the doctor's fees are expensive.

The man says:

"Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand
dollars
for your first visit."

The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement,

"A thousand dollars?"

The man replies,

"Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are
free!"

The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to
go in to see the doctor.

On entering the doctor's office he says casually,

"Hello doctor, here I am again!"

----------

Growing old can be soooo hard at times....

Yesterday, I got Preparation "H" mixed up with Poli-Grip

Now I walk funny.....but my gums don't itch.

-------

My niece bought her five-year old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One
day
he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and
finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school,
he
disappeared again.

My niece searched frantically, but sadly, never found the little
critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece
took the cage out of her room.

When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into
her
mother's lap.

"We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster
gone
again, but this time he took his cage along!"

~~~~~~~~~ ~
A guy meets a childhood pal.

"What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman."

"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to
install in your house a pole that will go to the
basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest
thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and
catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."
~~~~~~~~~
Real Canadian Poutine Recipe
http://www.recipeza ar.com/113388

Predicting Weather using a Pig Spleen
http://www.almanac. com/weathercente r/pigspleen. html

Deadly Bugs
http://exn.ca/ Bugs/home. cfm

Roadside Architecture
http://www.agilityn ut.com/roadside. html
~~~~~~~~~ ~

Two sea monsters were swimming around the ocean, looking for something
to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob,
the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and
ate
everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again
capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him,

"Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating
everything on board?"

Bob replied,

"I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone
knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Long Church/State Separation: University of Michigan to Fund Muslim Footbaths

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 14:26:00 +0000

Okay so this is a bit slow. From
http://www.americancongressfortruth.com/index.asp

TAX DOLLARS FUNDING MUSLIM FOOTBATHS

May 30, 2007
EXCLUSIVE: So Long Church/State Separation: University of Michigan to Fund Muslim Footbaths
Printer Friendly

By Debbie Schlussel

**** EXCLUSIVE: Must cite Debbie Schlussel and/or DebbieSchlussel.com (that means you, Sean Hannity and World Net Daily) ****

Forget about the Constitutionally mandated separation of church and state . . . at least when it comes to mosque and state.

When students return in the fall, the University of Michigan-Dearbornistan is set to have Muslim footbaths in at least two locations.

And your tax funds are paying for it.

Last week, Kay Pepin, University of Michigan-Dearborn Director of Facilities Planning, and Terry Gallagher, a U of M-Dearborn spokesman, confirmed to me that plans are in the works to build Muslim footbaths (they refer to them as "foot-washing stations") in both the University Center and Fairlane Center buildings at the university.

When I asked why the footbaths were being installed, Gallagher told me that this is "an accommodation to a significant portion of our student body and their friends and visitors in accordance with our mission." He said that it is a growing trend with Boston University, Cal State-Fullerton, University of Wisconsin-Madison, and Washington University of St. Louis, all installing footbaths. "We wanted to be part of that trend in accommodating Muslim students."

But when I asked Gallagher what portion of the U-M Dearborn is Muslim, he said that the most recent information the school has is from a 2004 survey of incoming freshman. The survey only identified 11% of students as Muslims, whereas 37% of incoming freshman were Roman Catholic. When I asked if there was any accommodation or money spent on Catholic students, he could not identify any.

the result of "years of ongoing negotiations with the Muslim Student Association." The Chicago Tribune exposed the radical Muslim Student Association (MSA) as an American branch of the Egyptian terrorist group, Muslim Brotherhood, which took part in the murder of Egyptian President Anwar El-Sadat as well as the shootings at the Temples at Luxor.

Gallagher insists that he's confident that "none of our Muslim students is involved in terrorism." But last year, I received numerous death, rape and torture threats against me, my parents, and grandparents from University of Michigan-Dearborn student Lola Elzein, a Lebanese Shi'ite Muslim. Ms. Elzein was visited by the FBI and admitted to making the threats. Mohammed Fouad Abdallah, another Lebanese Shi'ite Muslim, used University of Michigan-Dearborn computers to send me rape, torture, and death threats in the name of Hezbollah. His home was raided by four FBI agents, and he admitted to making the threats.

And last week, Syed Maaz Shah--a student who was Secretary of the Muslim Student Association at the University of Texas-Dallas--was convicted of illegally possessing firearms when he attended a Muslim terrorist training camp and sought to kill Americans.

The University of Michigan MSA has a Muslim Accommodations Task Force, which was headed by Nadia Bazzy of the infamous Hezbollah-supporting Lebanese Shi'ite Bazzy family. Many Bazzys have been involved in Hezbollah there--and here. And the MSA Muslim Accommodations Task Force has more goals in mind:

Ramadan Iftar Accommodations; Eid Holidays; Prayer Room and Break Accommodations; Faculty Sensitivity Training; Jummah; Surveys / Advocacy; Halal Food

The MSA of U of M-Dearborn says that a "Reflection Room" was established for Muslim students, at MSA's request. I wonder what would happen if Christian or Jewish students went there to pray or hang out.

Gallagher confirmed that University of Michigan-Dearborn Vice Chancellor Robert G. Behrens made the decision to install the footbaths. Behrens was the sole decisionmaker. He did not have to go before a committee of University Regents to get the approval or consult with anyone else.

Behrens refused to speak with me regarding this Unconstitutional waste of tax dollars on behalf of the "Religion of Peace," but his secretary, Judy Modelski, had some interesting talking points to try to dissuade me from thinking this was a Muslim footbath. "It can also be used for changing diapers of and washing babies," she told me. "And there's a third use, but I can't remember what it is."

But spokesman Gallagher confirmed that there is no other use for the footbaths, other than for Muslims to wash their feet before prayer. You'd think they'd get their stories straight at the University of Michigan-Dearborn. Regardless, what mother would wash her baby in a deep bath where people washed their feet and the baby could drown? And what person would wash their feet in a bath where diapers had been changed? It simply doesn't make sense.

In a letter to an angry alumnus, Vice Chancellor Behrens wrote that the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor construction, in 1841, of a chapel makes these Muslim footbaths okay. But that was a non-denominational chapel where anyone could go for any reason, even for non-religious purposes. As U-M/Dearborn spokesman Gallagher acknowledged, these footbaths are being built as an accommodation to Muslims and no other religion uses them.

When I asked Gallagher why a religious accommodation was being made for Muslims, he informed me that if another religion approaches U of M-D, it will consider the request. But universities are constitutionally barred from endorsing a religion or even two religions.

The footbaths, so far, will cost $27,000 to install. But count on it to cost more. Since only one set of footbaths is being installed at each of the two locations, Gallagher confirmed to me that each will be installed in only one bathroom. That means that, in order to comply with laws against gender discrimination, each sex will be entitled to a footbath in its respective bathroom. Expect the cost to double to at least $54,000--$54,000 of tax money spent for a religious accommodation in violation of the separation between church and state.

That money is coming from the University of Michigan-Dearborn general fund. That means, if you are a taxpayer, you're paying for them, as the general fund is made up of federal and state monies and paid tuition fees.

$2,000 of that has already been spent, paying architectural firm Niagara Murano, LLC, of swanky Birmingham, Michigan to "design" the footbaths. When I asked why an architectural firm was needed instead of a plumber, Gallagher told me that an architect was consulted to make the footbaths compliant with the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Amazing. They care about compliance with all of the other laws, just not the most important one--the Constitutional prohibition of establishing a national religion.

I asked Gallagher if he's aware that these footbaths are likely to be the subject of a lawsuit by some brave Michigan taxpayer, who detests being forced to fund Islam and the demands of an American manifestation of the Muslim Brotherhood.

He said, "We're prepared to defend that if it happens." That means more of your tax dollars at work for the "Religion of Peace."

The question is: Where and when will a Michigan taxpayer finally say enough is enough and file suit? Will the ACLU take the case? (Fat chance.)

And when will America wake up?

***

Contact University of Michigan-Dearborn Vice Chancellor Robert G. Behrens to protest the Unconstitutional public funding of Muslim footbaths:

Office of the Vice Chancellor
Robert G Behrens
1090 Administration Building
Dearborn, MI 48128
Phone: (313) 593-5110

And, if you live in Michigan, contact your state legislators, as well.

Sharing

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 16:25:00 +0000

I found the following in an email today and thought I would share it with fellow wanderers in this world.

Jesus And The Jerks
by Jon Walker
“But God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8 NIV)
Jerk: A person regarded as disagreeable, contemptible, especially as the result of foolish or mean behavior.
One of the biggest jerks I ever knew was a 23-year-old college graduate whose anger and arrogance spilled into many of his relationships. His hypocrisy was astounding – one moment he claimed to be a Christian and the next he acted like a son of hell. If it had been my choice, I would have avoided him all together – but since that jerk was me, I was stuck being around him!
Most of us try to avoid jerks. We pat ourselves on the back for not telling them off. We applaud ourselves for putting up with them. We remind ourselves everybody has a cross to bear, and so we grudgingly accept certain jerks as our divinely ordained burden.
But is that what we’re called to do?
Jesus embraced jerks; he graced them with love – while stilling telling them the truth in love. Now he had no qualms about pointing out a whitewashed tomb when he saw one, but the corporate evil of the Pharisees was a far more serious matter than mere human jerkiness.
The point is this: Jesus didn’t shelter himself from the pain and heartache caused by jerks. In fact, he voluntarily stretched out his arms on the cross and allowed several jerks to slam nails into his hands and feet.
Behind all their stomp and snort, jerks are still spiritual beings, created in God's image and destined for heaven or hell. We’re compelled to be ministers of reconciliation, willing to embrace the pain of a fallen world for the sake of our God. (2 Corinthians 5:16-21)
The heart of the gospel is that God loves the unlovely. Could it be that the jerks God places in our lives are there to teach us to be more like Christ, to teach us the God-like quality of loving the unlovely?
Most of us take for granted the incredible change God initiated in our own lives: We were once jerks to God, yet even while we were still jerks, Christ died for us!
Jerks are never easy to embrace. If it were easy to love everyone, then Christ need not have died; we could love them on our own. But in order to embrace the jerks in our life, we need the Life of Christ within us so that, as new creations, we can overwhelm jerks with God’s grace, showing them the only power that will stop them from stumbling in the darkness, teaching them to cling to the only thing able to move them from being jerks to being Jesus-followers.
So what?
· Jesus loves jerks too – Even the most difficult people are spiritual beings in need of Christ.
· Jesus transforms you – Jesus can use the “jerks” in your life to transform you into a more Christ-like believer. Is it possible that the “jerk” who annoys you is God’s instrument to show you areas where you should grow, areas where you have difficulty loving unconditionally, the way that Christ loves you?
· God’s plan for you – If God allows a difficult person in your life, consider that he may want you to (1) pray for them and (2) show them by your own example how much God loves them, regardless of their behavior.
· Your mission – Who in your life seems disagreeable, contemptible, foolish, or mean? How would God have you approach them from now on? What can you do today to show them the love of Christ?
© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.

PEROXIDE

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Sat, 02 Jun 2007 15:56:00 +0000

This was written by Becky Ransey of Indiana (a doctor's wife),
and I want to share it with you. She was over recently
for coffee and smelled the bleach I was using to clean my
toilet and countertops. This is what she told me...
------------------
I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little
ole bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00
at any drug store.
What does bleach cost? My husband has been in the
medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't
tell you about peroxide. Have you ever smelled bleach in
a doctor's office? NO!!! Why? Because it smells, and
it is not healthy! Ask the nurses who work in the doctor's
offices, and ask them if they use bleach at home. They
are wiser and know better!
Did you also know bleach was invented in the
late 40's? It's chlorine, Folks! And it was used to kill
our troops. Peroxide was invented during WI in the
20's. It was used to save and help cleanse the needs
of our troops and hospitals. Please think about this.
1. Take one capful (the little white cap that
comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for
10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I
bathe.) No more canker sores and your teeth will be
whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of
mouthwash.
2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of
peroxide to keep them free of germs.
3. Clean your counters and table tops with
peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply
put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or
spray it on the counters.
4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board,
pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
5. I had fungus on my feet for years until I sprayed
a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially
the toes) every night and let dry.
6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five
to ten minutes several times a day. My husband has seen
gangrene that would not heal with any medicine but was
healed by soaking in peroxide.
7. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide
and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect
without harming your septic system like bleach or most
other disinfectants will.
8. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with
your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, plugged
sinus. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for
a few minutes, and then blow your nose into a tissue.
9. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a
dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your
mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The
pain will lessen greatly.
10. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair,
spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower
and comb it through. You will not have the peroxide-burnt
blonde hair like the hair dye packages but more natural
highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or dirty
blonde. It also lightens gradually, so it's not a drastic
change.
11. Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid
boils, fungus, or other skin infections.
12. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of
bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten
them. If there is blood on clothing, pour it directly on the
soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse
with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
13. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors. There is no
smearing, which is why I love it so much for this.
I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home
should be without! With prices of most necessities rising,
I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a
simple, healthy manner!
This information really woke me up. I hope you gain
something from it, too. Pass it on

Remember Me

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Thu, 31 May 2007 23:30:00 +0000

The following is the hottest thing on the internet and on Fox News today. Lizzie Palmer who put this YouTube program together is 15 years old. There have been over 3,000,000 hits as of this morning. In case you missed it, here it is.

I made another U.S. Armed Forces video. I figured it was about time. =)

ATTENTION! I apologize for any inconvenience, but I have been receiving way too many negative comments and people arguing with and insulting each other in comments on this video. After a lot of hard thought, I have decided to disable comments on my video. I may or may not turn them back on again, we'll have to see. Again, I'm sorry, but you can thank the people who decided to turn this into a debate forum. Thank you for your time, and I apologize again to those of you who didn't do anything wrong.
Thanks,
Lizzie Palmer
Views: 9,646,282 Comments: 5959 Favorited: 5419 times

Trivia

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Thu, 31 May 2007 23:17:00 +0000

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be
39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Thu, 31 May 2007 15:22:00 +0000

Since we've known each other for such a long time,

I decided to share something personal with you.

A picture of me in the shower.

- scroll down -

- go on -

You know you want to........

V

V

V

V

Good Day

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Wed, 30 May 2007 15:25:00 +0000

Just click on "A Think Test" below:

A Think Test

Rumor has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there to keep thepilot and passengers cool.What, you don't believe this?If it stops, watch them start to sweat.

~~~~~~~~~

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally. ..but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~

smile

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Wed, 30 May 2007 11:02:00 +0000

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost .. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

You did notice the size of the print.

~~~~~~~~~
Why NOTHING is Better Than Sex.

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.

2. Nothing is free.

3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.

4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.

5. It's perfectly all right to look bored while you do nothing.

6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't get sued for it.

7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!

8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.

9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.

10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.

11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing situations later on.

12. Men and women ge nerally take the same amount of time to do nothing.

13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.

14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.

15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).

16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.

17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.

18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.

19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.

20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

Huh?

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Sun, 27 May 2007 21:37:00 +0000

Rant from the Rocking Chair.

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Sun, 27 May 2007 17:15:00 +0000

I sat here today listening to President Bush give his speech or whatever its called to the press and the U.S.
I was disappointed to say the least. I am disappointed that he believes I am stupid enough to buy into the immigration crap he is peddling. I am sick and damn tired of hearing the

DEMONRATS AND RUNNYPUBLICANS

EVEN SPEAK.

To the elected officials of this nation submit your resignations and go the hell back to whatever place you came from.

To the American people vote vote vote. Vote every damn one of these idiots out of office. Do not vote in another attorney.

EVER EVER EVER.

Term Limits

These people that have been elected to office have no clue what is good for this country. They have no idea how to fight a war. Nor do they intend to go the extra mile and find out. Lets talk about what is good and not good for you and me.

The DEMONRATS TOOK AWAY TAX CUTS.

Was that good. Ya liking that now? Hiking those taxes. How much are you paying at the gas pump for gas and how much are ya paying in taxes?
Oh yea that little ole place called the grocery store. Ya likin those prices? Are ya? As each item goes up, up goes the taxes on that item.
Thanks Nancy you and your gang have helped us all out.

Those folks that are taking jobs Americans won't take. Anyone buying that load of horseshit? The jobs they don't seem to be taking around here are Union jobs which are rare.

The rest of the jobs are going to them. Hell there are local places such as refineries and power plants that hire contractors that have all immigrant crews for you mr. bush that would be illegal immigrants with real looking papers. These people are not making less than our citizens. They earn the same. they pay very little in taxes and mail it all home to support their nation. Mexico's top way of supporting it's self is sending its citizcens to our country to send money home..
I know American citizens that would love to have those jobs.

But hey lets all kow-tow the the government and the stupid ideas cranking out of the beltway. I For one say if they have had one trip to Washington D.C. with our tax dollars paying their way. Send their asses home and find someone that lives in the real world to send to D.C.
Lets have those pesky term limits to limit the lobby groups that are getting their way and not our way!!!

Pages to Look at

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Sun, 27 May 2007 12:21:00 +0000

http://www.marines.com/page/usmc.jsp?flashRedirect=true

http://www.flashdemo.net/gallery/wake/index.htm

Gumps_Support_Our_Troops-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

http://www.myspace.com/forrestgumpy

Top This

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Fri, 25 May 2007 13:38:00 +0000

+---- Bizarre Inventions ----+

1. The Tonya Tapper - A personal security steel club named
After the notorious skater; suitable for all knee whack-
Ing purposes.

2. Sweet Jesus Chocolate - Tasty milk chocolate crucifix
Candies that ooze red jelly when bitten.

3. Insecticide Pantyhose - Bug resistant pantyhose sure to
Repel spiders, cockroaches, [and probably dates.]

4. Artificial Spray-On Dirt - For the yuppie whose tired of
Looking wuss in his luxury S.U.V. This is sure to provide
That rugged four-wheeling look.

5. Drive-Through Window at Funeral Homes - For the more
Somber drive-by.

6. .45 Semiautomatic Telephone - A novelty phone sure to
Please the darkest sense of humor. The caller must hold
The gun against their head to make a call; let the fun
Begin.

7. Bird Diaper - For Polly when potty training is not an
Option.

8. Snif-T-Panties - Women's underwear with built in
Fragrance to capture the right mood; scents include
Rose, banana, pickles, pizza and, of course, whiskey.

giggles

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Fri, 25 May 2007 13:00:00 +0000

A new world's record in the high jump
from a kneeling position
was set yesterday at a beach
on the coast of Australia.

The picture below was taken just a few seconds
before the jump took place . . .

~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~

Spot the difference.

Carla was well into her seventies when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps.

After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results.

"Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."

"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away.

When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her eighty-two-year-old husband, and screeched, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"

There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
<TrainsMeet>Watch the signal turn from red over green to red over red as the approaching train runs the signal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pet News

Here we go again folks............Or is it a copy cat??.Guess we will see.

http://www.itchmo.com/

War? What War on Terror?

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Thu, 24 May 2007 17:11:00 +0000

From the Smoking Gun

TheSmokingGun

Have a Great Day Friends.

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Thu, 24 May 2007 15:53:00 +0000

HOW TO BE ANNOYING:

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the
entry for alt.sex.fetish. hamster.duct- tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with
Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic- cyrillic- landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on
all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/ UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador" .

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb
Chops?)

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what
YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back
in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect
a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme
song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand hat people
pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatata ta-suhWING- batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble
their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket."

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people
with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Heather meets up with her [blonde] sister Karen as she is picking her
car up from the mechanic. Heather asks,

"Everything ok with your car now, Karen?"

Karen replies,

"Yeah, thank goodness! I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip
me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker
fluid."

------------

Harry and Molly had been married for many years but now were in divorce
court.

The judge asked,

"Harry, is it true that in the last three years of your marriage, you
did not speak to Molly?"

Harry replies,

"Yes, Judge, that would be correct."

"And just how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.

Harry replies,

"Well, I didn't want to interrupt her, Your Honor."

----------

Two of the secretaries at the high school where I taught for many years
had a morning break together and it was their practice to share sweets
and coffee daily in the teachers' room. One day one would bring
something to share and the next day the other would bring something to
share.

Frequently a male teacher would pass through while the ladies were
taking their morning break. He would see their goodies on the table and
say something like.

"Oh, doughnuts!"

Then he would help himself and keep right on going into the copy room.
This practice of his grated on their nerves since he was never offered
anything, never contributed, or even asked if he could help himself.

So one day after they had taken all of this they could, they took a
doughnut that was filled with custard, squeezed out the custard and
replaced it with mustard. That day the male teacher came in helped
himself to the only doughnut left on the plate and kept on walking. He
never said one word about the mustard, but he never did come in again
while the secretaries were taking their break.

---------

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the
pre-school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way
to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his
clerical clothes and asked,

"Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then
the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked,

"Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab
looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the
boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the
name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked,

"Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering
intently at the letters he said,

"Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

----------

Q. Why did the cowboy take hay with him to bed?

A To feed his nightmares.

WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?

FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6
), searching
For sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a
plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: BOCA TECA
Recent widow - have just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone
To round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a
problem.

SERENITY NOW: CENTURY VILLAGE - LYONS ROAD
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If
you are
The silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy
quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: TAMARAC
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
and still still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and
listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
Including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks
well

chuckles

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Thu, 17 May 2007 19:50:00 +0000

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she
leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart-what do
you think I should do?" He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing
aid."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill and Harry were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track
when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately. Harry
immediately threw his rod down and started running through the woods
like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...
After about a half mile Harry stopped and stooped over with his hands on
his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to
him...
"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.
With that, Harry pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid
fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box
of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied Harry, "But my friend Willy back there, well, he
doesn't have one..."

(r)ated

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Thu, 17 May 2007 15:49:00 +0000

One day, Little Johnny came home from school. He went into
the house and found no one around, which he thought was
strange because his parent's car and his grandparent'
s car
was in the driveway. He searches all over the house. Finally
he went upstairs to his parent's room and opened the door.
There was his Dad and Mom making out.

"What are you doing, Dad?" Little Johnny asked.

"Playing poker son and your mom's my wild card. Leave us
alone, go find Grandpa and Grandma."

Off Little Johnny goes to the next bedroom and there are
grandma and grandpa having sex.

"What are you doing Grandpa?" little Johnny asked.

"Playing poker and Grandma's my wild card."

So little Johnny leaves the room. A few hours go by and it's
time for dinner, but nobody can find little Johnny. Dad goes
up to his bedroom and finds him masturbating.

"What are you doing?" Dad asks.

"Playing poker, Dad," Little Johnny said.

"Well, where's your wild card?" asked Dad.

Little Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, I don't need
a wild card!"
--------- ----
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she
left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your
side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing
his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's
good," I said, feeling genuinely relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's
strange. He normally sleeps during your class."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before proposing marriage.
* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square
thing?"
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old
boyfriend's?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay
Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in- a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of
Painful Delights?

When to Accept a Proposal... Or Not
Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.
* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help
with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local
adult bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island"
at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot
of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own
stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial
Strength?"
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?
~~~~~~~~~
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his
two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well,
guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a
contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job." "What does the
loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and
said, "The loser gets to give it."

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living
room. ! 6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against
you. 6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again. 6 years : What's not to
understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?? 6
months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane? 6
years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to
bed, I can stay up by myself.
~~~~~~~~~ ~

THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE......

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things
that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He
got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to
be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli
casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty
fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in
a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the
woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about
it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
~~~~~~~~~
Weaker Sex

Q:- Why are female humans considered as a weaker sex...?
A:- Only male humans consider female humans to be the weaker sex...in
ACTUAL fact, females are the superior sex ....just take a look at wild
animals, say, lions....the lioness does the hunting whilst the lion just
stupidly eats and mates...

Q:- Why do ladies, in general, wear make-up...?
A:- Because we girls know that in this society, we should never reveal
our true selves to strangers... only loved ones get to see our real
faces

Q:- Why is it that only ladies can get pregnant and not men..?
A:- Children are naturally close to mothers rather than fathers cos the
women are the ones who give birth to them.... And the future lies in the
hands of these children who are directly *controlled* by their
mothers....So what do we have ? A future directed by WOMEN !!

Q:- Why do ladies like to keep long fingernails in general...?
A:- What a stupidly biased question (by a MAN, of course)... Why do men
like to keep moustaches ..?

Q:- Why are ladies more fuss than guys...?
A:- God wanna punish guys.

Q:- Why do we see that gals often dresses in guys dressing like pants,
etc and not visa-versa.. ?
A:- Because we gals are not afraid to try anything, unlike the other
sex!

Q:- Why do guys gives flowers to their girlfriends. ...?
A:- Because guys are too cheap to give their girlfriends diamonds or
even cold hard cash.... and the worse thing is that some may foolishly
believe the florist's claim that flowers are supposedly romantic !

Q:- Why do ladies usually cry during a wedding...?
A:- Cos she suddenly realized that she's stuck with the jerk beside her
for the next 50 years or so..... Boo ! Hoo ! Hoo !

Q:- What's the greatest mistake a guy could ever make..?.
A:- Asking a lady all the above questions!
~~~~~~~~~ ~
Q. Why are men like dolphins?
A. They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.

Q. Why can't a man be handsome and intelligent at the same time?
A. That would make him a woman.

Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive side.

Q. What's the difference between Pauly and coffee?
A. None. They both get on your nerves.

Q. Why do men prefere to marry a virgin?
A. Because they can't stand criticism.

Q. What do you call a goodlooking intelligent and sensitive man?
A. A rumour.

Q. Why do men exist?
A. Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q. What would the world be like without men?
A. Full of happy fat women.

A man is like a video, forward backward, forward, backward, stop, eject

Men are like whales No brain and all their strength in the tail

Q. What does a woman not want to hear after good sex?
A. Honey, I'm home!

Q. What does a woman do after good sex?
A. Put on her clothes and go home.

giggles

noreply@blogger.com (lilfeathers2000) — Mon, 14 May 2007 15:44:00 +0000

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our
church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel,
the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an
emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He
said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the
good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that
he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed
lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the
sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off
and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were
the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic
gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the
sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating
himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, "Jesus,
Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy,
"Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug "I guess
you must be a sheep dog."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains
were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use
the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank
than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A. A sex-change operation.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q. How
do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time
they see a bikini. Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A.
Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end
of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big
Foot's been spotted a several times. Q. What's the smartest thing a man
can say? A. "My wife says..." Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A.
Because they're all pigs. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites
attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger
make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end
they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
Section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
the
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who
belongs
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she
Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her
seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.'
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat
in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather
than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped
to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
course you have here" he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't
see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well Michael. As you wish...look through the gates." He looked and
saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him
sick to his stomach.
"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing
on that course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over
here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and
he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has
ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the
gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I
can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with
laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."