This That And Frog Hair2

Martha Stewart For Rednecks

2007-09-28T03:49:00.000-07:00

Martha Stewart For Rednecks

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
finger foods.

* * *

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

* * *

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good
his manners are.

* * *

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.

* * *

THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

* * *

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
Special occasion.

* * *

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

* * *

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

funnies

2007-08-26T05:07:00.000-07:00

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

************

Tips for us ladies in year 2007

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt. a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2007 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend!

********* ********* *
Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."

She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She's such a Bitch....... .

sermon

2007-07-26T05:50:00.000-07:00

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that
The entire range of human experience could be found in the Holy Bible.

He confidently stated,
"If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said
"Reverend, I don't think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman
he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.

During the following week,
he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and Verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday , the woman came up to him and asked,
"Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read,

"... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

joshua fit de battle of jerico
****************

Friends

2007-07-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Subject: FW: Fwd: CIVILIAN FRIENDS vs COP FRIENDS. Funny as shit and TRUE...Chris-

CIVILIAN FRIENDS vs COP FRIENDS

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when you are drunk. COP FRIENDS: Will post 360 degree security so you don't get caught.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs COP FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that Â no one is late for the ride home. COP FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you. COP FRIENDS: laugh at you and tell you to put some vagasil on your p*ssy.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. COP FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone. COP FRIENDS: Will Low Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. COP FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. COP FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. COP FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar. COP FRIENDS: Will man up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come. COP FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough. COP FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Bitch, you better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste..That's alcohol abuse!!!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week. COP FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore". COP FRIENDS: Will say "okay just one more" and then 2 minutes later okay just one more".

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you. COP FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!!

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you." COP FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this COP FRIENDS: Will forward this

THE FLAG I'll wave to all of you, as you leave

2007-07-03T21:47:00.001-07:00

I'll wave to all of you, as you leave
when it's time for you to go.
As you sail from sea to shining sea
take the colors of your home.
Take me with you, wherever you go
keep me in your heart each night.
And if you forget what you're fighting for
remember me, in flight.
Take me out to the battleground,
and then tear me into shreds.
Wrap the bleeding wound with me,
and bind the aching head.
Plunge me into coldest water
to soothe the fevered brow.
Tie me across the shattered limb,
I'll support it now.
Let me dry the homesick tear,
and hold closed, the gaping chest,
for here, in the field, where hope is lost
I am at my best.
And then, burn what is left of me,
for warmth into the night.
So I may bring comfort, where there is need
and courage, for the fight.
My red is deeper, for the blood you've shed.
My white is purer, for your pain.
My blue will be bluer than the deepest sea
when you come home again.
Then I'll rise to the top of the flagpole,
where my colors are always flown,
and from there, when the war is over
I'll wave, to welcome you home.

A judge Check this out

2007-06-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

We Need More Judges Like This Video

Laugh Time.

2007-06-09T06:20:00.000-07:00

BEST OUT-OF-OFFICE E-MAIL REPLIES

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you
if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am
out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't
have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless
emails you send me until I return from vacation on September
30th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted
in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been
charged $10.99 for the first ten words and $5.99 for each
additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server
connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added
to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and
can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor'
to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time
for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost
my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya
goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a
little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!"
he
yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,"
said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the
doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a
new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking
he
had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his
head,
mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is
jar number 47, it's......"

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.
Thompson was cured and fled the room!

~~~~~~~~~
A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more prone
to
getting headaches. No reason is given.

But could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head
all
night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

------------

An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken
ill
and decides that he needs to see a doctor.

In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the
doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor
is a specialist.

The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything' .

The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if
the doctor's fees are expensive.

The man says:

"Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand
dollars
for your first visit."

The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement,

"A thousand dollars?"

The man replies,

"Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are
free!"

The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to
go in to see the doctor.

On entering the doctor's office he says casually,

"Hello doctor, here I am again!"

----------

Growing old can be soooo hard at times....

Yesterday, I got Preparation "H" mixed up with Poli-Grip

Now I walk funny.....but my gums don't itch.

-------

My niece bought her five-year old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One
day
he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and
finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school,
he
disappeared again.

My niece searched frantically, but sadly, never found the little
critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece
took the cage out of her room.

When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into
her
mother's lap.

"We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster
gone
again, but this time he took his cage along!"

~~~~~~~~~ ~
A guy meets a childhood pal.

"What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman."

"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to
install in your house a pole that will go to the
basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest
thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and
catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."
~~~~~~~~~
Real Canadian Poutine Recipe
http://www.recipeza ar.com/113388

Predicting Weather using a Pig Spleen
http://www.almanac. com/weathercente r/pigspleen. html

Deadly Bugs
http://exn.ca/ Bugs/home. cfm

Roadside Architecture
http://www.agilityn ut.com/roadside. html
~~~~~~~~~ ~

Two sea monsters were swimming around the ocean, looking for something
to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob,
the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and
ate
everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again
capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him,

"Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating
everything on board?"

Bob replied,

"I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone
knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Long Church/State Separation: University of Michigan to Fund Muslim Footbaths

2007-06-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

Okay so this is a bit slow. From
http://www.americancongressfortruth.com/index.asp

TAX DOLLARS FUNDING MUSLIM FOOTBATHS

May 30, 2007
EXCLUSIVE: So Long Church/State Separation: University of Michigan to Fund Muslim Footbaths
Printer Friendly

By Debbie Schlussel

**** EXCLUSIVE: Must cite Debbie Schlussel and/or DebbieSchlussel.com (that means you, Sean Hannity and World Net Daily) ****

Forget about the Constitutionally mandated separation of church and state . . . at least when it comes to mosque and state.

When students return in the fall, the University of Michigan-Dearbornistan is set to have Muslim footbaths in at least two locations.

And your tax funds are paying for it.

Last week, Kay Pepin, University of Michigan-Dearborn Director of Facilities Planning, and Terry Gallagher, a U of M-Dearborn spokesman, confirmed to me that plans are in the works to build Muslim footbaths (they refer to them as "foot-washing stations") in both the University Center and Fairlane Center buildings at the university.

When I asked why the footbaths were being installed, Gallagher told me that this is "an accommodation to a significant portion of our student body and their friends and visitors in accordance with our mission." He said that it is a growing trend with Boston University, Cal State-Fullerton, University of Wisconsin-Madison, and Washington University of St. Louis, all installing footbaths. "We wanted to be part of that trend in accommodating Muslim students."

But when I asked Gallagher what portion of the U-M Dearborn is Muslim, he said that the most recent information the school has is from a 2004 survey of incoming freshman. The survey only identified 11% of students as Muslims, whereas 37% of incoming freshman were Roman Catholic. When I asked if there was any accommodation or money spent on Catholic students, he could not identify any.

the result of "years of ongoing negotiations with the Muslim Student Association." The Chicago Tribune exposed the radical Muslim Student Association (MSA) as an American branch of the Egyptian terrorist group, Muslim Brotherhood, which took part in the murder of Egyptian President Anwar El-Sadat as well as the shootings at the Temples at Luxor.

Gallagher insists that he's confident that "none of our Muslim students is involved in terrorism." But last year, I received numerous death, rape and torture threats against me, my parents, and grandparents from University of Michigan-Dearborn student Lola Elzein, a Lebanese Shi'ite Muslim. Ms. Elzein was visited by the FBI and admitted to making the threats. Mohammed Fouad Abdallah, another Lebanese Shi'ite Muslim, used University of Michigan-Dearborn computers to send me rape, torture, and death threats in the name of Hezbollah. His home was raided by four FBI agents, and he admitted to making the threats.

And last week, Syed Maaz Shah--a student who was Secretary of the Muslim Student Association at the University of Texas-Dallas--was convicted of illegally possessing firearms when he attended a Muslim terrorist training camp and sought to kill Americans.

The University of Michigan MSA has a Muslim Accommodations Task Force, which was headed by Nadia Bazzy of the infamous Hezbollah-supporting Lebanese Shi'ite Bazzy family. Many Bazzys have been involved in Hezbollah there--and here. And the MSA Muslim Accommodations Task Force has more goals in mind:

Ramadan Iftar Accommodations; Eid Holidays; Prayer Room and Break Accommodations; Faculty Sensitivity Training; Jummah; Surveys / Advocacy; Halal Food

The MSA of U of M-Dearborn says that a "Reflection Room" was established for Muslim students, at MSA's request. I wonder what would happen if Christian or Jewish students went there to pray or hang out.

Gallagher confirmed that University of Michigan-Dearborn Vice Chancellor Robert G. Behrens made the decision to install the footbaths. Behrens was the sole decisionmaker. He did not have to go before a committee of University Regents to get the approval or consult with anyone else.

Behrens refused to speak with me regarding this Unconstitutional waste of tax dollars on behalf of the "Religion of Peace," but his secretary, Judy Modelski, had some interesting talking points to try to dissuade me from thinking this was a Muslim footbath. "It can also be used for changing diapers of and washing babies," she told me. "And there's a third use, but I can't remember what it is."

But spokesman Gallagher confirmed that there is no other use for the footbaths, other than for Muslims to wash their feet before prayer. You'd think they'd get their stories straight at the University of Michigan-Dearborn. Regardless, what mother would wash her baby in a deep bath where people washed their feet and the baby could drown? And what person would wash their feet in a bath where diapers had been changed? It simply doesn't make sense.

In a letter to an angry alumnus, Vice Chancellor Behrens wrote that the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor construction, in 1841, of a chapel makes these Muslim footbaths okay. But that was a non-denominational chapel where anyone could go for any reason, even for non-religious purposes. As U-M/Dearborn spokesman Gallagher acknowledged, these footbaths are being built as an accommodation to Muslims and no other religion uses them.

When I asked Gallagher why a religious accommodation was being made for Muslims, he informed me that if another religion approaches U of M-D, it will consider the request. But universities are constitutionally barred from endorsing a religion or even two religions.

The footbaths, so far, will cost $27,000 to install. But count on it to cost more. Since only one set of footbaths is being installed at each of the two locations, Gallagher confirmed to me that each will be installed in only one bathroom. That means that, in order to comply with laws against gender discrimination, each sex will be entitled to a footbath in its respective bathroom. Expect the cost to double to at least $54,000--$54,000 of tax money spent for a religious accommodation in violation of the separation between church and state.

That money is coming from the University of Michigan-Dearborn general fund. That means, if you are a taxpayer, you're paying for them, as the general fund is made up of federal and state monies and paid tuition fees.

$2,000 of that has already been spent, paying architectural firm Niagara Murano, LLC, of swanky Birmingham, Michigan to "design" the footbaths. When I asked why an architectural firm was needed instead of a plumber, Gallagher told me that an architect was consulted to make the footbaths compliant with the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Amazing. They care about compliance with all of the other laws, just not the most important one--the Constitutional prohibition of establishing a national religion.

I asked Gallagher if he's aware that these footbaths are likely to be the subject of a lawsuit by some brave Michigan taxpayer, who detests being forced to fund Islam and the demands of an American manifestation of the Muslim Brotherhood.

He said, "We're prepared to defend that if it happens." That means more of your tax dollars at work for the "Religion of Peace."

The question is: Where and when will a Michigan taxpayer finally say enough is enough and file suit? Will the ACLU take the case? (Fat chance.)

And when will America wake up?

***

Contact University of Michigan-Dearborn Vice Chancellor Robert G. Behrens to protest the Unconstitutional public funding of Muslim footbaths:

Office of the Vice Chancellor
Robert G Behrens
1090 Administration Building
Dearborn, MI 48128
Phone: (313) 593-5110

And, if you live in Michigan, contact your state legislators, as well.

Sharing

2007-06-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

I found the following in an email today and thought I would share it with fellow wanderers in this world.

Jesus And The Jerks
by Jon Walker
“But God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8 NIV)
Jerk: A person regarded as disagreeable, contemptible, especially as the result of foolish or mean behavior.
One of the biggest jerks I ever knew was a 23-year-old college graduate whose anger and arrogance spilled into many of his relationships. His hypocrisy was astounding – one moment he claimed to be a Christian and the next he acted like a son of hell. If it had been my choice, I would have avoided him all together – but since that jerk was me, I was stuck being around him!
Most of us try to avoid jerks. We pat ourselves on the back for not telling them off. We applaud ourselves for putting up with them. We remind ourselves everybody has a cross to bear, and so we grudgingly accept certain jerks as our divinely ordained burden.
But is that what we’re called to do?
Jesus embraced jerks; he graced them with love – while stilling telling them the truth in love. Now he had no qualms about pointing out a whitewashed tomb when he saw one, but the corporate evil of the Pharisees was a far more serious matter than mere human jerkiness.
The point is this: Jesus didn’t shelter himself from the pain and heartache caused by jerks. In fact, he voluntarily stretched out his arms on the cross and allowed several jerks to slam nails into his hands and feet.
Behind all their stomp and snort, jerks are still spiritual beings, created in God's image and destined for heaven or hell. We’re compelled to be ministers of reconciliation, willing to embrace the pain of a fallen world for the sake of our God. (2 Corinthians 5:16-21)
The heart of the gospel is that God loves the unlovely. Could it be that the jerks God places in our lives are there to teach us to be more like Christ, to teach us the God-like quality of loving the unlovely?
Most of us take for granted the incredible change God initiated in our own lives: We were once jerks to God, yet even while we were still jerks, Christ died for us!
Jerks are never easy to embrace. If it were easy to love everyone, then Christ need not have died; we could love them on our own. But in order to embrace the jerks in our life, we need the Life of Christ within us so that, as new creations, we can overwhelm jerks with God’s grace, showing them the only power that will stop them from stumbling in the darkness, teaching them to cling to the only thing able to move them from being jerks to being Jesus-followers.
So what?
· Jesus loves jerks too – Even the most difficult people are spiritual beings in need of Christ.
· Jesus transforms you – Jesus can use the “jerks” in your life to transform you into a more Christ-like believer. Is it possible that the “jerk” who annoys you is God’s instrument to show you areas where you should grow, areas where you have difficulty loving unconditionally, the way that Christ loves you?
· God’s plan for you – If God allows a difficult person in your life, consider that he may want you to (1) pray for them and (2) show them by your own example how much God loves them, regardless of their behavior.
· Your mission – Who in your life seems disagreeable, contemptible, foolish, or mean? How would God have you approach them from now on? What can you do today to show them the love of Christ?
© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.

PEROXIDE

2007-06-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

This was written by Becky Ransey of Indiana (a doctor's wife),
and I want to share it with you. She was over recently
for coffee and smelled the bleach I was using to clean my
toilet and countertops. This is what she told me...
------------------
I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little
ole bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00
at any drug store.
What does bleach cost? My husband has been in the
medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't
tell you about peroxide. Have you ever smelled bleach in
a doctor's office? NO!!! Why? Because it smells, and
it is not healthy! Ask the nurses who work in the doctor's
offices, and ask them if they use bleach at home. They
are wiser and know better!
Did you also know bleach was invented in the
late 40's? It's chlorine, Folks! And it was used to kill
our troops. Peroxide was invented during WI in the
20's. It was used to save and help cleanse the needs
of our troops and hospitals. Please think about this.
1. Take one capful (the little white cap that
comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for
10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I
bathe.) No more canker sores and your teeth will be
whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of
mouthwash.
2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of
peroxide to keep them free of germs.
3. Clean your counters and table tops with
peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply
put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or
spray it on the counters.
4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board,
pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
5. I had fungus on my feet for years until I sprayed
a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially
the toes) every night and let dry.
6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five
to ten minutes several times a day. My husband has seen
gangrene that would not heal with any medicine but was
healed by soaking in peroxide.
7. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide
and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect
without harming your septic system like bleach or most
other disinfectants will.
8. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with
your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, plugged
sinus. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for
a few minutes, and then blow your nose into a tissue.
9. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a
dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your
mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The
pain will lessen greatly.
10. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair,
spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower
and comb it through. You will not have the peroxide-burnt
blonde hair like the hair dye packages but more natural
highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or dirty
blonde. It also lightens gradually, so it's not a drastic
change.
11. Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid
boils, fungus, or other skin infections.
12. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of
bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten
them. If there is blood on clothing, pour it directly on the
soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse
with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
13. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors. There is no
smearing, which is why I love it so much for this.
I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home
should be without! With prices of most necessities rising,
I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a
simple, healthy manner!
This information really woke me up. I hope you gain
something from it, too. Pass it on

Remember Me

2007-05-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

The following is the hottest thing on the internet and on Fox News today. Lizzie Palmer who put this YouTube program together is 15 years old. There have been over 3,000,000 hits as of this morning. In case you missed it, here it is.

I made another U.S. Armed Forces video. I figured it was about time. =)

ATTENTION! I apologize for any inconvenience, but I have been receiving way too many negative comments and people arguing with and insulting each other in comments on this video. After a lot of hard thought, I have decided to disable comments on my video. I may or may not turn them back on again, we'll have to see. Again, I'm sorry, but you can thank the people who decided to turn this into a debate forum. Thank you for your time, and I apologize again to those of you who didn't do anything wrong.
Thanks,
Lizzie Palmer
Views: 9,646,282 Comments: 5959 Favorited: 5419 times

Trivia

2007-05-31T16:17:00.000-07:00

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be
39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

2007-05-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

Since we've known each other for such a long time,

I decided to share something personal with you.

A picture of me in the shower.

- scroll down -

- go on -

You know you want to........

V

V

V

V

Good Day

2007-05-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

Just click on "A Think Test" below:

A Think Test

Rumor has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there to keep thepilot and passengers cool.What, you don't believe this?If it stops, watch them start to sweat.

~~~~~~~~~

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally. ..but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~

smile

2007-05-30T04:02:00.001-07:00

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost .. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

You did notice the size of the print.

~~~~~~~~~
Why NOTHING is Better Than Sex.

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.

2. Nothing is free.

3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.

4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.

5. It's perfectly all right to look bored while you do nothing.

6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't get sued for it.

7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!

8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.

9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.

10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.

11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing situations later on.

12. Men and women ge nerally take the same amount of time to do nothing.

13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.

14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.

15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).

16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.

17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.

18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.

19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.

20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

Huh?

2007-05-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

Rant from the Rocking Chair.

2007-05-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

I sat here today listening to President Bush give his speech or whatever its called to the press and the U.S.
I was disappointed to say the least. I am disappointed that he believes I am stupid enough to buy into the immigration crap he is peddling. I am sick and damn tired of hearing the

DEMONRATS AND RUNNYPUBLICANS

EVEN SPEAK.

To the elected officials of this nation submit your resignations and go the hell back to whatever place you came from.

To the American people vote vote vote. Vote every damn one of these idiots out of office. Do not vote in another attorney.

EVER EVER EVER.

Term Limits

These people that have been elected to office have no clue what is good for this country. They have no idea how to fight a war. Nor do they intend to go the extra mile and find out. Lets talk about what is good and not good for you and me.

The DEMONRATS TOOK AWAY TAX CUTS.

Was that good. Ya liking that now? Hiking those taxes. How much are you paying at the gas pump for gas and how much are ya paying in taxes?
Oh yea that little ole place called the grocery store. Ya likin those prices? Are ya? As each item goes up, up goes the taxes on that item.
Thanks Nancy you and your gang have helped us all out.

Those folks that are taking jobs Americans won't take. Anyone buying that load of horseshit? The jobs they don't seem to be taking around here are Union jobs which are rare.

The rest of the jobs are going to them. Hell there are local places such as refineries and power plants that hire contractors that have all immigrant crews for you mr. bush that would be illegal immigrants with real looking papers. These people are not making less than our citizens. They earn the same. they pay very little in taxes and mail it all home to support their nation. Mexico's top way of supporting it's self is sending its citizcens to our country to send money home..
I know American citizens that would love to have those jobs.

But hey lets all kow-tow the the government and the stupid ideas cranking out of the beltway. I For one say if they have had one trip to Washington D.C. with our tax dollars paying their way. Send their asses home and find someone that lives in the real world to send to D.C.
Lets have those pesky term limits to limit the lobby groups that are getting their way and not our way!!!

Pages to Look at

2007-05-27T05:21:00.001-07:00

http://www.marines.com/page/usmc.jsp?flashRedirect=true

http://www.flashdemo.net/gallery/wake/index.htm

Gumps_Support_Our_Troops-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

http://www.myspace.com/forrestgumpy

Top This

2007-05-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

+---- Bizarre Inventions ----+

1. The Tonya Tapper - A personal security steel club named
After the notorious skater; suitable for all knee whack-
Ing purposes.

2. Sweet Jesus Chocolate - Tasty milk chocolate crucifix
Candies that ooze red jelly when bitten.

3. Insecticide Pantyhose - Bug resistant pantyhose sure to
Repel spiders, cockroaches, [and probably dates.]

4. Artificial Spray-On Dirt - For the yuppie whose tired of
Looking wuss in his luxury S.U.V. This is sure to provide
That rugged four-wheeling look.

5. Drive-Through Window at Funeral Homes - For the more
Somber drive-by.

6. .45 Semiautomatic Telephone - A novelty phone sure to
Please the darkest sense of humor. The caller must hold
The gun against their head to make a call; let the fun
Begin.

7. Bird Diaper - For Polly when potty training is not an
Option.

8. Snif-T-Panties - Women's underwear with built in
Fragrance to capture the right mood; scents include
Rose, banana, pickles, pizza and, of course, whiskey.

giggles

2007-05-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

A new world's record in the high jump
from a kneeling position
was set yesterday at a beach
on the coast of Australia.

The picture below was taken just a few seconds
before the jump took place . . .

~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~

Spot the difference.

Carla was well into her seventies when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps.

After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results.

"Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."

"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away.

When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her eighty-two-year-old husband, and screeched, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"

There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
<TrainsMeet>Watch the signal turn from red over green to red over red as the approaching train runs the signal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pet News

Here we go again folks............Or is it a copy cat??.Guess we will see.

http://www.itchmo.com/

War? What War on Terror?

2007-05-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

From the Smoking Gun

TheSmokingGun

Have a Great Day Friends.

2007-05-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

HOW TO BE ANNOYING:

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the
entry for alt.sex.fetish. hamster.duct- tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with
Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic- cyrillic- landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on
all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/ UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador" .

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb
Chops?)

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what
YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back
in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect
a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme
song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand hat people
pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatata ta-suhWING- batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble
their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket."

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people
with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Heather meets up with her [blonde] sister Karen as she is picking her
car up from the mechanic. Heather asks,

"Everything ok with your car now, Karen?"

Karen replies,

"Yeah, thank goodness! I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip
me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker
fluid."

------------

Harry and Molly had been married for many years but now were in divorce
court.

The judge asked,

"Harry, is it true that in the last three years of your marriage, you
did not speak to Molly?"

Harry replies,

"Yes, Judge, that would be correct."

"And just how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.

Harry replies,

"Well, I didn't want to interrupt her, Your Honor."

----------

Two of the secretaries at the high school where I taught for many years
had a morning break together and it was their practice to share sweets
and coffee daily in the teachers' room. One day one would bring
something to share and the next day the other would bring something to
share.

Frequently a male teacher would pass through while the ladies were
taking their morning break. He would see their goodies on the table and
say something like.

"Oh, doughnuts!"

Then he would help himself and keep right on going into the copy room.
This practice of his grated on their nerves since he was never offered
anything, never contributed, or even asked if he could help himself.

So one day after they had taken all of this they could, they took a
doughnut that was filled with custard, squeezed out the custard and
replaced it with mustard. That day the male teacher came in helped
himself to the only doughnut left on the plate and kept on walking. He
never said one word about the mustard, but he never did come in again
while the secretaries were taking their break.

---------

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the
pre-school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way
to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his
clerical clothes and asked,

"Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then
the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked,

"Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab
looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the
boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the
name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked,

"Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering
intently at the letters he said,

"Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

----------

Q. Why did the cowboy take hay with him to bed?

A To feed his nightmares.

WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?

FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6
), searching
For sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a
plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: BOCA TECA
Recent widow - have just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone
To round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a
problem.

SERENITY NOW: CENTURY VILLAGE - LYONS ROAD
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If
you are
The silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy
quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: TAMARAC
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
and still still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and
listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
Including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks
well

chuckles

2007-05-17T12:50:00.001-07:00

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she
leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart-what do
you think I should do?" He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing
aid."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill and Harry were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track
when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately. Harry
immediately threw his rod down and started running through the woods
like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...
After about a half mile Harry stopped and stooped over with his hands on
his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to
him...
"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.
With that, Harry pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid
fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box
of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied Harry, "But my friend Willy back there, well, he
doesn't have one..."

(r)ated

2007-05-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

One day, Little Johnny came home from school. He went into
the house and found no one around, which he thought was
strange because his parent's car and his grandparent'
s car
was in the driveway. He searches all over the house. Finally
he went upstairs to his parent's room and opened the door.
There was his Dad and Mom making out.

"What are you doing, Dad?" Little Johnny asked.

"Playing poker son and your mom's my wild card. Leave us
alone, go find Grandpa and Grandma."

Off Little Johnny goes to the next bedroom and there are
grandma and grandpa having sex.

"What are you doing Grandpa?" little Johnny asked.

"Playing poker and Grandma's my wild card."

So little Johnny leaves the room. A few hours go by and it's
time for dinner, but nobody can find little Johnny. Dad goes
up to his bedroom and finds him masturbating.

"What are you doing?" Dad asks.

"Playing poker, Dad," Little Johnny said.

"Well, where's your wild card?" asked Dad.

Little Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, I don't need
a wild card!"
--------- ----
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she
left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your
side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing
his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's
good," I said, feeling genuinely relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's
strange. He normally sleeps during your class."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before proposing marriage.
* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square
thing?"
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old
boyfriend's?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay
Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in- a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of
Painful Delights?

When to Accept a Proposal... Or Not
Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.
* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help
with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local
adult bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island"
at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot
of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own
stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial
Strength?"
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?
~~~~~~~~~
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his
two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well,
guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a
contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job." "What does the
loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and
said, "The loser gets to give it."

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living
room. ! 6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against
you. 6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again. 6 years : What's not to
understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?? 6
months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane? 6
years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to
bed, I can stay up by myself.
~~~~~~~~~ ~

THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE......

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things
that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He
got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to
be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli
casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty
fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in
a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the
woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about
it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
~~~~~~~~~
Weaker Sex

Q:- Why are female humans considered as a weaker sex...?
A:- Only male humans consider female humans to be the weaker sex...in
ACTUAL fact, females are the superior sex ....just take a look at wild
animals, say, lions....the lioness does the hunting whilst the lion just
stupidly eats and mates...

Q:- Why do ladies, in general, wear make-up...?
A:- Because we girls know that in this society, we should never reveal
our true selves to strangers... only loved ones get to see our real
faces

Q:- Why is it that only ladies can get pregnant and not men..?
A:- Children are naturally close to mothers rather than fathers cos the
women are the ones who give birth to them.... And the future lies in the
hands of these children who are directly *controlled* by their
mothers....So what do we have ? A future directed by WOMEN !!

Q:- Why do ladies like to keep long fingernails in general...?
A:- What a stupidly biased question (by a MAN, of course)... Why do men
like to keep moustaches ..?

Q:- Why are ladies more fuss than guys...?
A:- God wanna punish guys.

Q:- Why do we see that gals often dresses in guys dressing like pants,
etc and not visa-versa.. ?
A:- Because we gals are not afraid to try anything, unlike the other
sex!

Q:- Why do guys gives flowers to their girlfriends. ...?
A:- Because guys are too cheap to give their girlfriends diamonds or
even cold hard cash.... and the worse thing is that some may foolishly
believe the florist's claim that flowers are supposedly romantic !

Q:- Why do ladies usually cry during a wedding...?
A:- Cos she suddenly realized that she's stuck with the jerk beside her
for the next 50 years or so..... Boo ! Hoo ! Hoo !

Q:- What's the greatest mistake a guy could ever make..?.
A:- Asking a lady all the above questions!
~~~~~~~~~ ~
Q. Why are men like dolphins?
A. They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.

Q. Why can't a man be handsome and intelligent at the same time?
A. That would make him a woman.

Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive side.

Q. What's the difference between Pauly and coffee?
A. None. They both get on your nerves.

Q. Why do men prefere to marry a virgin?
A. Because they can't stand criticism.

Q. What do you call a goodlooking intelligent and sensitive man?
A. A rumour.

Q. Why do men exist?
A. Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q. What would the world be like without men?
A. Full of happy fat women.

A man is like a video, forward backward, forward, backward, stop, eject

Men are like whales No brain and all their strength in the tail

Q. What does a woman not want to hear after good sex?
A. Honey, I'm home!

Q. What does a woman do after good sex?
A. Put on her clothes and go home.

giggles

2007-05-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our
church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel,
the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an
emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He
said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the
good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that
he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed
lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the
sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off
and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were
the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic
gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the
sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating
himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, "Jesus,
Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy,
"Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug "I guess
you must be a sheep dog."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains
were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use
the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank
than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A. A sex-change operation.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q. How
do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time
they see a bikini. Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A.
Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end
of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big
Foot's been spotted a several times. Q. What's the smartest thing a man
can say? A. "My wife says..." Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A.
Because they're all pigs. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites
attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger
make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end
they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
Section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
the
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who
belongs
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she
Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her
seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.'
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat
in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather
than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped
to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
course you have here" he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't
see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well Michael. As you wish...look through the gates." He looked and
saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him
sick to his stomach.
"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing
on that course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over
here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and
he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has
ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the
gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I
can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with
laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."

Hobby

2007-05-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

Well Boys and Girls I have a new hobby. I have often wondered what exactly goes on in my yard at night. Hubby fixed me up with some cameras and wala. I am now able to moniter my nocturnal guests when I want.
Okay so I need a life you say... Well I kinda like the one I have. I love wathcing wildlife and with the gizmo known in the hunting world as a trail camera. I can now view it from the comfort of my puter what will they think of next. The next few pics are just a few of the hundreds of pictures I have captured. Man who knew there were that many critters around my house.
Caption them yourselves.

and last but not least I caught Fred and Wilma in a little hanky panky.

laugh time

2007-05-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed
up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and
telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy
of service which I had not previously considered possible, as
well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can
either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that
you can have some entertaining reading material as you while
away the working day smoking B&Hs and drinking vendor-coffee
on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or
notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on
my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful websites. How? I alleviated the boredom to some
small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly
adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks) my modem arrived - a total of six weeks after I
had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is
roughly 35%.
These are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,
Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the
weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line
this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety
of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether
or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that
I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman) and several other variations
on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have
at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore,
and also another one of those crucially important testicle
moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer
to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your
unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I
used to think that BT (British Telecom) were shit, that they
had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer
relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers.
That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone
else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly
are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers
though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in
the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any
such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cat's litter tray, as an statement of my utter and complete
contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during
transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting,
and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL,
and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short
life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful

bunch of twats.

Psychotically yours,

Weaker Sex

Q:- Why are female humans considered as a weaker sex...?
A:- Only male humans consider female humans to be the weaker sex...in
ACTUAL fact, females are the superior sex ....just take a look at wild
animals, say, lions....the lioness does the hunting whilst the lion just
stupidly eats and mates...

Q:- Why do ladies, in general, wear make-up...?
A:- Because we girls know that in this society, we should never reveal
our true selves to strangers... only loved ones get to see our real
faces

Q:- Why is it that only ladies can get pregnant and not men..?
A:- Children are naturally close to mothers rather than fathers cos the
women are the ones who give birth to them.... And the future lies in the
hands of these children who are directly *controlled* by their
mothers....So what do we have ? A future directed by WOMEN !!

Q:- Why do ladies like to keep long fingernails in general...?
A:- What a stupidly biased question (by a MAN, of course)... Why do men
like to keep moustaches ..?

Q:- Why are ladies more fuss than guys...?
A:- God wanna punish guys.

Q:- Why do we see that gals often dresses in guys dressing like pants,
etc and not visa-versa.. ?
A:- Because we gals are not afraid to try anything, unlike the other
sex!

Q:- Why do guys gives flowers to their girlfriends. ...?
A:- Because guys are too cheap to give their girlfriends diamonds or
even cold hard cash.... and the worse thing is that some may foolishly
believe the florist's claim that flowers are supposedly romantic !

Q:- Why do ladies usually cry during a wedding...?
A:- Cos she suddenly realized that she's stuck with the jerk beside her
for the next 50 years or so..... Boo ! Hoo ! Hoo !

Q:- What's the greatest mistake a guy could ever make..?.
A:- Asking a lady all the above questions!
~~~~~~~~~ ~
Q. Why are men like dolphins?
A. They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.

Q. Why can't a man be handsome and intelligent at the same time?
A. That would make him a woman.

Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive side.

Q. What's the difference between Pauly and coffee?
A. None. They both get on your nerves.

Q. Why do men prefere to marry a virgin?
A. Because they can't stand criticism.

Q. What do you call a goodlooking intelligent and sensitive man?
A. A rumour.

Q. Why do men exist?
A. Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q. What would the world be like without men?
A. Full of happy fat women.

A man is like a video, forward backward, forward, backward, stop, eject

Men are like whales No brain and all their strength in the tail

Q. What does a woman not want to hear after good sex?
A. Honey, I'm home!

Q. What does a woman do after good sex?
A. Put on her clothes and go home.
~~~~~~~~~
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living
room. ! 6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against
you. 6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again. 6 years : What's not to
understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?? 6
months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane? 6
years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to
bed, I can stay up by myself.
~~~~~~~~~ ~

THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE......

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things
that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He
got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."
~~~~~~~~~

Giggles

2007-04-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

[A physician claims these are actual comments from his
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies. ]

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man
has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific! "

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my
head is not, in fact, up there?"

One Liners...

Why are blondes like pianos? When they aren't upright, they're grand.

What do blondes do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school? Yes, Intercourse
.. you go between periods and you are expected to come.

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may
never piss this way again."

She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in
the toaster. - Rodney Dangerfield

Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A: The pickpocket snatches your watch.

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks
a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes
a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking
tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila
whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he
gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at
the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells
the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it
is the best tequila he has ever tasted. the Mexican yells to
his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another
glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink
it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is
the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and
partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his
wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to
fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is
excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells
his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the
table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills
it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one
glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor,
you drink from the bottle."

According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who
wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who
wear leather pants don't like women. (Conan O'Brien)

Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of
sheep are gay, and 73% of those prefer farmers. (Bob Mills)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated warnings,
and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated. After what must have been
the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his voice to declare, "All right! The
next person who talks is going to be severely castigated."

The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until a girl in
the front row asked the teacher, "Mr. T--, how are you going to do that to a
girl?"

Update From Wierd News

2007-04-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

Anyone that has followed this blog knows I used to do a wierd news round up. Its been awhile. Through my news round up I met via the net Florentino, jr Floro a judge from the Phillipines. The judge corrosponded with them off and on since that first post. I told him as his story unfolds send me the links and I would post them. A promise is a promise. The judge has emailed me several items. The following is a copy of his email missing his email addy of course.

Ex-judge charges CA ‘Dirty Dozen’

http://www.manilatimes.net/national/2007/apr/23/yehey/top_stories/20070423top1.html

By Jomar Canlas, Reporter

A former judge has filed administrative charges against 12 justices of the Court of Appeals who are on the Ombudsman’s list of magistrates under watch for corruption.

In his complaint to the Supreme Court, former Malabon Regional Trial Court Judge Florentino Floro Jr. identified only one justice and asked the Court to compel Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez to submit the rest of the names on her list.

Floro named only Justice Romeo Barza, a former president of the Philippine Judges Association and senior partner of the Carpio Villaraza Cruz Angangaco law office.
In his 23-page Verified Disbarment Complaint Floro charged the 12 with gross misconduct, gross ignorance of the law, manifest undue interest, issuing questionable temporary restraining orders and violations of the Code of Conduct and Ethical Standards.
Floro asked the Supreme Court to conduct a judicial audit on the 12 and place them under preventive suspension.

He said he singled out Barza because he believes Barza is the justice Gutierrez referred to as “a former judge known for his indiscriminate and improvident issuance of TROs.”
Floro also asked the Court to subpoena this Manila Times reporter to reveal the names on Ombudsman watchlist.

The Times had run an article on the “Dirty Dozen” in CA based on the Ombudsman’s list.
Floro said he filed the complaint in his capacity as a taxpayer.

The Supreme Court had dismissed Floro after he admitted that he consulted with supposed supernatural beings like elves in deciding cases.

He said he also based his complaint against Barza from a report by Mercedita G. Dadole-Ignacio, the Cebu CA division clerk of court, to CA Clerk of Court Elisa Pilar-Longalong.
Barza reportedly issued five TROs from January 18 to February 26, 2007, or one TRO a week.

Based on the records submitted by the 23 CA division clerks of court, Barza issued the string of TROs while assigned in the Cebu CA. Barza is now stationed in Manila.
The restraining orders involve the cases of Sun Life of Canada v. National Labor Relations Commission, the Armed Forces v. Yolanda Lauron, Doloreich A. Dumaluan v. Ombudsman Gutierrez, Assumption Iloilo v. Fedy T. Bhuiyan and O.G. Holdings Corp. v. Environmental Management Bureau.

The Times tried to reach Barza through his staff, Grace Salamat, but Salamat refused to provide the justice’s cell-phone number.

The Ombudsman is monitoring 10 male and two female justices, all assigned in Manila.
Chief Justice Reynato Puno has a similar list which includes Cebu CA magistrates.
The CA has 69 justices, 51 of which are assigned in Manila. Many of them rose from the lower courts.

One justice on the list is a former judge known for the “indiscriminate” and “improvident” issuances of TROs and is connected to a big law office. Another member is being watched for his “lavish” spending and rich lifestyle.

One magistrate is a former RTC judge in Quezon City. The two female justices reportedly has “strong connections” in the judiciary and is linked to a big law office and a gambling lord in Central Luzon. They were also seen frequenting big casinos wearing disguises.
The other justice fixes cases, with his wife acting as his agent. Another justice handles mainly labor cases.

An aging justice reportedly earned a fortune from a series of cases and loves to play golf.
The Supreme Court has begun to crack down on “hoodlums in robes” in the Court of Appeals.

It has sacked CA Associate Justice Elvi John Asuncion for delays in resolving motions for reconsideration within the required period and the irregular issuance of TROs.
=======

The Complaint is a summary of:

http://www.sunstar.com.ph/forums/viewtopic.php?t=4596

C.J. Puno: CA SELLS MANILA/CEBU TROs; IMPRECATION / Curse, Psalm 109

=========

The ENTIRE DISBARMENT COMLAINT can be read here:

http://www.sunstar.com.ph/forums/viewtopic.php?t=4883

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Three Men To Walk On Water

2007-04-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

The first one was Jesus Christ.

The second one was Peter the apostle.

And now there's this guy, Jose.

Funnies

2007-04-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

WHAT PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD LEARN ABOUT AMERICANS BY WATCHING BAYWATCH

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow
motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one
actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of
15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are
unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped
via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per
hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by
jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and
lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are
poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow

1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week
later
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online
6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game,
"PacMan"
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side
of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check
on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written
report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional,
the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
café. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and
his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective replies,

"What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen."

The husband says,

"I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

A Redneck out in the country comes home and finds his house on fire. He
rushes next door to a neighbor's house who has a phone, to call the fire
department.

"Hurry on over here.... muh house is on fahr!"

"Okay!" came the reply. "How do we get over there?"

"Shucks! Don't you fella's still have those big red trucks?"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a
low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over
the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot
time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot
time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled
him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then
the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time
you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it
on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch
before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit
more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.
And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye
paid me the first three pennies?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Vince."
"Who?"
"Vince Sabatini. There's a guy who did everything right. Like me coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince
every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro
tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Vince."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."

An Email I recieved

2007-04-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?''

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than
Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after
9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?
The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.

They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't
kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno

Retro Post

2007-04-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

Back in November I made a suggestion. I understand that it may just come to pass

http://thisthatandfroghair2.blogspot.com/2006/11/fred-thompson-for-president.html

Chcukles

2007-04-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company
(General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri
River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak
performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese
won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management
team made up of senior management was formed to investigate
and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the
Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the
American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management
hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of
money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too
many people were steering the boat, while not enough people
were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors,
3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent
steering manager. They also implemented a new performance
system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality
First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other
equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the
American management laid off the rower for poor performance,
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money
saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and
the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-
Polish Sausage..

In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage," asked a shopper? The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The customer, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?" The clerk says, "Well, no!""If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't! "With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish simply because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks hard at him, and replies, "Because you're at Home Depot!!!"
"__._,_.___
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything
with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - "Take a
clean dish and...."

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy,
Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven
it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke
down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement
parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses
ranged from "Mas-a-what? " to "You've got to be kidding." One guy
just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed
Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry
any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he
replied. "Oil."
"__._,_.___
1. Can you make a word using these letters?

PNLLEEEESSSSS

2. Tomorrow today will be yesterday, and yesterday today
was tomorrow.When tomorrow is yesterday, today will be
as near to Sunday as today was when yesterday was tomorrow.
What day is it?

3. Can you name ten parts of the human body (no slang words)
that have only three letters?

4. Make 1000 by using only eight 8's.

5. A chemist discovered that a certain chemical reaction took
80 minutes when he wore a wool jacket. But when he wasn't
wearing the jacket, the same reaction always took an hour
and 20 minutes. Can you explain?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____
Scroll down if you 'really' don't know the answers.

t

t

t

t

1. Sleeplessness

2. Wednesday

3. eye, ear, lip, arm, leg, rib, hip, toe, gum, jaw,
Few people get more than seven.

4. 8 + 8 + 8 + 88 + 888 = 1000

5. Eighty minutes is, of course, exactly the same as one hour and
20 minutes.
.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the
menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just
as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a
tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

'Oh my God, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly
slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening
and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter..... 'I've
brought you the Peking duck'
"__._,_.___
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named
Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the
farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and
very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong
name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he
thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a
bathroom-supply store.
We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near
closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come
back the next day to make our final decision.
Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same
young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a
waitress.
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in
a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear. .
"HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!'"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They
immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.
They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded
themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled
to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency
and brought him back to their estate.
The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room
table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The
couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people. They asked
the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set
the table for just four.
The butler replied. . . . .
"The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the
Kitschs."
A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a December
night in Brooklyn, and the police arrived just in time to collar the
burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag
full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.
"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.
"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"What else?" demanded the culprit? "Who can get honest and reliable
help these days?"

The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went shopping
for some un-maternity clothes.
When she returned she went to check on the baby. The smell was
overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was
furious!
She confronted her husband,
"Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?"
The new dad responded,
"Well, the box says it's good for up to eight pounds!"
"My trouble," said Tinkleman, "is that I can't pee."
"How old are you?" asked the doctor.
Tinkleman said, "I'm one hundred and seven."
"Well," said Rosenstein, "you peed enough!"
"__._,_.___
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back"
churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally
replies.
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church
to become better.
He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed,
and walk."
The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further.
"If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside
it's hindrances and run!"
The congregation replied,
"Let it run, preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger.
"If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up
it's wings and fly!"
"Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder.
"If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied.
"Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached
an airman and requested a vehicle pass.
The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his
military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.
Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman
asked,
"What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"
"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. . .
"Try Brigadier General."
*********
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local
newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the
man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on
the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule
stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little
further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said,
'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the
third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot
the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when
she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'
"__._,_.___
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to
get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to
frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave.

"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let
me know what you think."
------------
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief.
How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while?
Asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." Said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." Replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that
woman there into my teepee." He said.
So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her
clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and
said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying,
"This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her
ass saying, "This corn hole."
---------
Question and Answer:

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A.
They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex
life? A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat
anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist? A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back? A.
A police horse.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast? A. They're hiring.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love
handles removed? A. Yeah...now he has no ears.

Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Q. How do you do a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
---------
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't miss Charles, the Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the big top, in the
center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member
and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on
their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the
same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,"Don't Miss Charles, the
Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his
act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table.The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Amazed, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from
walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
--------- --
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle
around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I
thought, "Man, I look like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got
in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down
to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out
balloons?"

------------
The Lone Ranger was ambushed
and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great
Lone Ranger.

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,

'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief
admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse,
but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to
his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again
whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more
attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian
Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents,
but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,

'I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone. '

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully

for....the.. ..last... .time,

I said.....

'BRING POSSE'

Wed Giggles

2007-04-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

The U.S. Navy answers the question: "Why did the chicken cross the
road?"

Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to
familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing
should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo
chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety
observer.

Special Forces Command (SEALS): The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle
to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve
maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at
night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS): Due to the needs of the Navy, the
chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road.
This will be a 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the
chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be
required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not
affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can
neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit.
Questions? Please see the SSO.

Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC): This event will need confirmation; we
need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather
conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the
parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they
might cross thruways designated by some as roads.

Naval Surface Reserve Force (NAVSURFRESFOR) : The chicken should log this
as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates
the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a
Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may
update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Commander-in- Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR) : The
purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken
remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to the
theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing, the chicken was
able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time
in-transit visibility.

Theater Air Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and
the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

Naval Intelligence: What chicken?

Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM) : The chicken was instructed to
hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a
Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please reemphasize that
chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

Naval Sea Systems Command (NAVSEASYSCOM) : Recent changes in technology,
coupled with today's multi-polar- strategic environment, have created new
challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was
also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core
competencies required for this new environment.

NAVSEASYSCOM' s Chicken Systems Program Office (MS400CSPO): In a
partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by
rethinking its physical distribution Strategy and implementation
processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the
chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences
to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of
its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPS
convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens
along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation
industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to
leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit,
and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of
poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems
Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its
mission. The actual crossing of the road has not occurred, however, due
to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWARSYSCOM) : The SPAWAR
Program Office was unaware of the upgrade to the AN/B1RD configuration,
and continues to up port the development of the G005E(V) (GOOSE
relocation process.) As soon as approved drawings and ILS are in place,
SPAWAR will implement installation and checkout of the AN/B1RD as an
adjunct to IT-21.
---------
Three blondes die and find themselves standing before St. Peter. He told
them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what
Easter was.
The first blonde said,
"Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and
eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he turned her away.
The second blonde said,
"Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he turns her away.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,
"Okay, so, tell me."
She says,
"Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival
of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when
he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder..."
St. Peter relies, "Verrrrrry good!"
Well, instead of shutting up while she was ahead, the blonde continues,
"Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.
If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had
been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said
"Chopsticks are provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if
you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to
wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to
hire three more people to clean up the mess."
------------ ---------
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to
heaven?" "Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you
ask?" "There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any
pictures of angels with beards." "Oh, that's because most MEN who go to
Heaven get there by a close shave."
------------ ---------
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at
the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our
cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was
able to locate my vehicle easily. "Wow," the woman said. "I sure could
use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied,
"that gadget's called 'my husband.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball
deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the
embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he
spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny
object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old
golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here,
I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out:
"What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you
can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

The Way It Is...

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person will be fired.

"The Steel Law of Distribution"
They what has some... They gets more.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness"
You cannot fall off the floor.

"The Law of Management"
The first myth of good management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Washington's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where
he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."

"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit
where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight
checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang
and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after
another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the
third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants
answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place
seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door willit be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight
attendants' hell."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ramblings Of A Retired Mind -

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my
garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have
something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it
"Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is
falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have
you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case
of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking
their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their
finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Jimmy Mac Dougall left home to go to the University in England.
After a few months his parent made the trip from Scotland to see how he was getting on.
"So, bonny lad ,how is it going,"said his mother.
"Fine, fine ,said Jimmy."although I have some strange neighbours,"
"Aye ,"said his father ."what is wrong with them?"
"The one on the right keeps banging his head against the wall all the time and the one on the other side keeps screaming all the time."
"So, how do you cope with all that?"said his mother.
"Oh, I take no notice,"he said "I just keep playing my bagpipes."
~~~~~~~~~
During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a
myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day,
the radar was in operation to train the reservists.
A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing
230 degrees, believe it to be a log."
Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young
Officer of the Deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses.
Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately reported
log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last
reported target, there are two sea gulls on that log which you failed to
report!"
There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and
pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the chief
radarman was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction
to make, sir. There ARE two sea gulls on that log -- one male, the other
female!"
~~~~~~~~~ ~
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
~~~~~~~~~
When we agreed to help our sergeant move to a new apartment, we
didn't know the elevator wasn't working. So after hours of carrying
heavy boxes and furniture up 11 floors, we were wiped out. And when
the sergeant asked us to search for his favorite pot, no one moved.
"I'll give a bottle of Scotch to whoever finds it," he shouted.
Within minutes, a private found the pot.
"Good," said the sarge. "Now look for the Scotch."
~~~~~~~~~ ~

Signs You Have A Bad Travel Agent

- Gets you cheap airfare then asks, "You know how to fly a
737, right?"

- The itinerary shows you crossing the Pacific Ocean on
Amtrak.

- Reserves you a great package for seven days and two
nights.

- Books you on something called "Dulta Airlines."

- Looks at you funny after hearing there's a "South"
America.

- "Rental car" turns out to be a donkey with cupholders.

- No matter what your destination, you have a layover in Afghanistan.

Chuckles

2007-04-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

Transvestite definitions

Trans-sister - a cross-dressing nun
Transformation - A cross-dressing rocky outcrop.
Where do cross-dressing vampires come from? Transylvania.
What do cross-dressing steeples do? They transpire.

Transport - cds' favorite wine.
Transporter - cd wino.
Transfer - cd's politically- incorrect coat.
Transcontinental - rich cd's car.
Transmigration - pilgramage to San Francisco.

Transmute - A cd who can't speak
Transceiver - A cd's ham radio set.
Transmit - A cd's baseball glove.
Translate - A cd who's never on time.
A transvestite who abuses newsgroups? A crossposter.

Transformer - cd's ex-wife.
Transpose - what she caught him doing in front of the mirror.
Transcendental - cd tooth "fairy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~
Fox Hunts are still very popular in England.
Once, by mistake, a female dog, in heat,
was placed in the pack.
An observer asked, "How's it going?"
An official replied, "Well, I can't tell for sure
yet, but I think the fox is running about fifth."
~~~~~~~~~ ~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the
bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as
she could, trying not to be
late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late! Dear
Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty
and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started
running again! As she
ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late...But please don't
shove me either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem,
they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words
on piece of paper, he
calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the
money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she
requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me
out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your
own mother?"
He answered "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to
Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year
olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not
kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was
created out of one of
Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and
she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the
devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan
stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad."
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you
stop laughing!

Giggles

2007-04-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest,
wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the
hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss,
and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented,
"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

------------
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu!"
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby, lets you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and
it's the perfect time", Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"
June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "Ok we'll play Wee wee
chu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang: "Wee wee chu
a Merry Christmas, wee wee chu a Merry Christmas wee wee chu
a Merry Christmas and a happy new year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American in England
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what
the man wanted.
"You must mean the lift," he said.
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the
elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".
"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in
America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but
someone here in England invented the language."
~~~~~~~~
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself:
Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
~~~~~~~~~

Famous Last Words

Quick, they'll never find us if we hide here.

Don't worry, it's not used any more.

Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.

So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?

Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.

Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.

It's ok so long as you stay down wind.

I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.

I thought it tasted rather strange.

Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?

Gee, what a cute little Pit Bull.

And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?

I've never had one of these fail to open before.

Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?

It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow pulls up at a petrol station in Lebanon and asks for five
litres of petrol. The attendant replies they don't sell petrol.
"Don't sell petrol? What sort of garage is this? Well, check the
oil for me."
The attendant says they don't sell oil.
"What? Top up the radiator for me then."
The attendant says they don't have any water, and that in fact the garage is
just a front for Hizbollah.
"Okay, then just blow my tires up."

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

2007-03-24T01:39:00.000-07:00

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five
or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the
scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a
dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself
into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to
get out of jury duty.

C&C Monday

2007-03-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

One-Liners
------------
Anything worth doing well is worth doing in excess.

The world is divided between victims and predators,
you may have to defend yourself against both.

The thing that takes up the least amount of time causes
the most amount of trouble.

If there are two parts to anything, you will always
miss the first part.

You should make a point of trying every experience
once - except adultry and folk dancing.

I was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows, they
learned to swim.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we
have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
************
Ninety-four- year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her
lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to
begin divorce proceedings, " she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his
composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your
husband have been married for over seventy years.
What in the world could have happened to make you
want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye.
She cleared her throat and said,
"We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
************
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of
them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the
weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they
slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that
they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a
result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make
up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test
booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points.
"Cool!", they thought.
Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy....
then they turned the page.
On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire?_______
************
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter,
suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know
the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and
toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is
screwing your chickens."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following appeared in the "Ask Isadora" column of our local
"alternative" newspaper for the week of April 6-12.... Isadora is a
"Sexologist" who publishes a Q&A column weekly. This is for real--this
is not a joke. This is not a test....

"Q. I am a healthy 30 year old male. My girlfriend and I enjoy a
happy, active sex life. Recently we discovered a new twist we both
enjoy. We bake an 8x10 foot pepperoni pizza in sections, assembling it
on our living room floor which is covered with sheets of black plastic.
My girlfriend goes into the living room, shuts off the lights, and
activates a life-sized animatronic figure of the pope which stands at
the end of the room. The pope's eyes light up and he begins blessing
the enormous pizza and my girlfriend, who reclines thereon clad only in
slices of cheese. I am outside the room at this point and the doors are
closed. I can hear the theme from ROCKY being played within as I wait,
dressed as a huge clove of garlic. When the music reaches its climax, I
burst through the door and hurl myself upon my girlfriend and we
copulate madly at the feet of the robot pope while I shout, 'Poperoni!
Come on, Tony! Not a phony! Poperoni!' Anyway, my question is this:
could garlic pizza sauce be hazardous to human genitalia? Could you
recommend any particularly arousing brand?"

A friend of mine driving down I-85 toward Atlanta Georgia
sees a sign that says peaches all varieties. He pulls off
the interstate and goes to the peach stand. He finds the
guy working there and asks him, "What the heck are you
talking about, all varieties?"
The sales guy asks him, "Well, what is your favorite thing
to eat?"
My friend thinks about it and says, "Peanut butter and
jelly."
Sales guy says, "Well, go down to bin # 2 get a peach and
tell me what you think."
So my friend walks over grabs a peach and bites into it,
cant believe it sweetest jelly he has ever tasted, but no peanut butter.
He walks back to the clerk and says, "Man that was some good jelly but
no peanut butter. What's up?"
The guy says, "You have to turn it around. He does and sure enough, it
tastes like peanut butter. Sales clerk asks him, "What your second
favorite thing to eat?"
"Well, I like Hershey's chocolate!"
"Go down there to bin # 4 take a peach and tell me what you think."
My friend walks down there bites into the peach and sure
enough it's the best damn Hershey's chocolate he has ever tasted. So he
goes back to the sales guy and says, "Man, that was the best damn
chocolate I have ever had. What else you got?"
Sales clerk asks him, What is your third favorite thing to eat?"
My friend thinks about it for a minute, and replies, "Well,
I am kinda embarrassed but I really like to eat pussy."
The sales guy looks at him and says, "You go down there to
the bin with the three X's on it bite into it and tell me
what you think."
So my friend walks down to the bin with the XXX's on it
bites into the peach and just about vomits. This is the nastiest thing
he has ever put into his mouth, it tastes like SHIT!!!!!!!
My friend is pissed, he walks back to the sales guy and
says, "Man this thing tastes like SHIT!!!!!!"
The sales guy looks at him and says, "You got turn it
around."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many
beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try
as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a
last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is
surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to
meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get
anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees
you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and
down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys
a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He
parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he
says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been
able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee
store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down
zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato,
puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up
and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an
hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked
up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why
don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady and her husband have been arguing back
And forth for some time. She makes an appointment
To see her doctor and tells him, "My husband
Has been complaining that my pussy has an odor,
But I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't
Smell anything."
The doctor examines her, and then says,
"Ma'am, you need an operation."
She says, "On my pussy?"
He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears
this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."
~~~~~~~~~
When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up
to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open
this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked. Reluctantly I tore
open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the
package, saying, "I'll take them." Relieved, I started to to ring her
up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been
opened."
------------
Q. Why shouldn't you throw plastic bags into the swamps in Louisiana?
A. Because the bags are not bayou degradable.

Q. What did the colonists wear at the Boston Tea party.
A. T-shirts.

Ted: I've been keeping my bicycle in my bedroom.
Jake: Why are you doing that?
Ted: I got tired of walking in my sleep.

Q. What would you get if you crossed a computer, a slob, and an Olympic
athlete?
A. A sloppy, floppy discus thrower.

Boss: Did you get any orders today?
Salesman: Yes, I got two!
Boss: Congratulations! What were they?
Salesman: "Get out!" and "Stay out!"

Q. How do fleas get from one place to another?
A. They itch hike.

Q. What do you call a soup made from vegetables and chewing tobacco?
A. Spit pea soup.
---------
An ABC talkback was started on radio about the funny side of death. A
woman rang in and told how her grandfather was in hospital and was
expected to die soon. She received a call from the hospital to come as
quickly as possible, and so she raced over to her grandfather' s
bed,where she found a nurse massaging his feet in front of a radiator
she had placed on a chair.
The woman asked "What are you doing?"
The nurse replied "I'm keeping his feet warm. Nobody ever died with warm
feet."
Grandpa, who had been unconscious, suddenly woke up and said "Joan of
Arc did" and promptly died.
The woman couldn't think of a nicer memory to have of grandpa's death,
as he had died the way he had lived, making people laugh.

An Explanation to Friends

2007-03-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

This last few weeks have been very busy. Blogging has gone down hill for me. For this I wish to apoligize to all my friends.
My grandson was in the hospital for respitory problems. Daddy had to stay with him round the clock. So Granny and Grandpa took care of big sis. This tends to be a lot of work for us oldie. I have discovered that there is a reason God arranged for the young to have babies and not us err. older folks. They are a lot of dang work.

Tickles

2007-03-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were

paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week my boss said he was going to garnish my
wages.
Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of
parsley in my paycheck will make it any more
attractive.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked
if it really was the photo of a wanted person
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked,
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
And God made Australia...(sent by a proud Aussie!)

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a rest. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,

"Look Michael! Look what I have made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

Ah" said God, "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth!

There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an
exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players, who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared, "But you said there will be BALANCE!?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep
rooting, Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them."

~~~~~~~~~~`

DEJA MOO

AN ODD FEELING THAT...

YOU'VE HEARD THIS

BULLSHIT

BEFORE !!!

~~~~~~~~~~~
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the all channels and
a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the woman ran out onto the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop
and his dog, sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and
moaned,
" I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

The Bunny

2007-03-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

One afternoon while doing some work in the
Garden I noticed my dog dragging something under
The fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized
It was the next door neighbors' daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school
And head straight out to its cage, free it and
Play with it in the garden. I knew today would
Be no different and fearing for our dog, I had
To think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put
Up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with
The hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew
It dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its
Grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it
Back in its cage hoping its death would be written
Off as "natural causes". Within the hour, the
Neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little
Girl, and as usual she headed straight for the
Cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet
Away and screamed
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at
The cage. Being the good neighbor that I am,
I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything
I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What
Kind of sick individual would dig up a little
girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

Cheers

2007-03-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

Taking a Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

I KNOW YOU SMILED
Have a great day and may God bless you and your families
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Interesting Tidbits

*No one has a better command of language than the person who knows just
when to talk and when to be quiet.

*I put all my money into taxes. They're the only thing that's sure to go
up

*There's a place in Harvard Square that sells "experienced" clothing. I
always get a chuckle out of that.

*If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

*I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

*One of the things I didn't want to be when I grew up was wrinkled.

*My dog can lick anyone.

*Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

*I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

*Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, "I'm
fat." And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You're not
fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at
others, and you will see that you are not fat." But our daughter, a high
schooler, saw through it: "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man goes into a pub, sets at the bar, and orders five pints. The
barman gives him an odd look since the guy's all by himself, but he
serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The man downs
them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls
to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four
pints and lines them on the bar. The man downs them....One, Two, Three,
Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders
three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One,
Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints
in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the man slams the last one
down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the
glass. The guy sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus.
Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but
the less I drink, the drunker I get..."

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh, had many, many relatives. Here is a list of some of
them. . .

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

The bird-lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

His sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

The brother who was released from prison: Let Gogh
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is
done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that
there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days
before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had
to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all.
That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks,
you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was
it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised
by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is
under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from
an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a
'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business,"
responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage,
I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All
I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot
him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in
1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up
my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll
up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about
"Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"The Founding Fathers were
sitting around a table sometime in
1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up
my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll
up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about
"Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Thinking early for Christmas gifts?

If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.

1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25

2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12

3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24

4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.

5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50

6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99

7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99

8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
From $2.99

9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99

10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95

11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99

12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59

13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24

14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95

15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99

16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50

17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199

18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rules of Life
1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship : "I apologize" and "You are right."
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her. . . believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year fromnow? How about one month? One week? One day?'
8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important.
12. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I urgently needed a few days off, but knew the boss would not allow me to
take sick leave. I thought maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to
take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny
noises.

My coworker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her I was
pretending to be a light bulb so the boss would think I was crazy and let me
have a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?"

I told him that I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and get some rest for a few days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the boss said to her, "And where
do you think you are going?"

You will love this...

She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN

2007-03-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8 She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

Some Funies Tonight

2007-03-05T16:47:00.000-08:00

This girl goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, its very
embarrassing but something brown is dropping off my private
parts." The doctor examines her and is sure tht there is
some thing brown coming out.
The doctor is confused and says, "How frequently are you
having sex?. Once a day?"
Girl: Naa
Doc: Once a Week?
Girl: Nope
Doc: Once a month?
Girl: Naaa
Doc: One a year!
Girl: Some thing like that.
Doc: Oh I get it, it's nothing. The brown thing is just rust!
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to
conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to
find out peoples' favourite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he
started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building
near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student "John" ,replied the
man.
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your
favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he asked again.
"Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff !" ,said the second man.
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people
in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching
bubbles in the bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were
several row houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens
the door.
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles !"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been
weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need
you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I
do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the
station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.
If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I
do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside
of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
He: I'm tired, I'm drunk, and I'm horny. What do you say?
She: Get some sleep, get sober, and get a grip.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my
wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you
insulted her." Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able
to think up your own insults!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this ?
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Having had one too many, a man at a bar was beginning to display an ugly
side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her,
"Hey, how about it babe-you and me?"
The woman got up to move away from the drunk, and as she did, the man said
loudly, "Honey, you look like you could use the money, but I don't have an
extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge
by the inch?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
He loved her very much.

He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, So he had ordered a
bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived
in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to
his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and
had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist
to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and
what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He
added a card, and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and
it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a
romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read,
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with
fronds like these, who needs anemones
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been
getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the
mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue
Service."
A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to
the assistant and asked, "Is this good for wasps?"
After looking at it for a moment, he said, "No madam. It will kill them."

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Movies at home:
Same as Law of the Bath.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making
it.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with
the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for
these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to
get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a
loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the
trigger."

Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks:
"Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and
glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad.
Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone
in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a
voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A
few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is
unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.
"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny
but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, " explains
Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show
eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential
profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout
the world.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs",
says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate
that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with
a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125
meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all,
the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,
though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with
desire.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 in cash for it!"
And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready
for merchandising in maybe a year or so...
Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Jake: "Here it is,
right here and now, $15,000! Take it or leave it!"
Jake abruptly makes his decision: "Okay,"
he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger.
Bill Gates turns around warily and says:
"What?"
Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle
through the terminal.
"Don't forget your batteries."

Tips from The Redneck Book of Manners

2007-03-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back sodas.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Rantings from a PO'd granny

2007-03-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

I have been quiet in my rants for a long time. I have watched the gov. machine in action for months. Its sickening. Whats worse the betrayal of our military? The memememe's by the demone-rats.

William Jefferson on a committee to keep me safe? Screw that I need more ammo.

Demon-rats Sending out first round of subpoenas? A House Judiciary subcommittee approved today the first in what is expected to be an avalanche of subpoenas to Bush administration officials. They will likely explore corruption and mismanagement allegations on everything from pre-war Iraq intelligence to the mishandling of the response to Hurricane Katrina.

Oh yea. There goes several billion bucks down the outhouse shoot. Is it just me or do the demonrats piss off more time and money chasing shadows than any other para-normal group?

Who are these people. Why are they elected and re-elected? Everyone sits and bitches about them. Then send the worthless skin bags back. I say the best thing that we can possibly do is en-act a law that any politician that has a political background can not be placed in office. End of story. If the person is a career politician, send them back to whence they came. Preferably with a gag in place.

I am sick and tired of being told how great obama is hillary is mccain is. Lets face it they are worthless skinbags out for power. Nothing else.

Name me one honest person in the beltway? Just one you can prove is honest and is trying. There isn't one.

The new mantra of the citizens should be if you are caught being dis-loyal a traitor, a liar and you are an elected official you should be tried in the courts of citizens that are suffering at your hand and sentenced to 25 years of hard labor. Not that cushy horse crap the politicians get. Hard labor, being making big rocks into gravel with a tack hammer

There is no place to begin a rant. The madness has seeped into every part of our lives. Illegal aliens are not illegal. Terrorist are wearing suits and making laws in Congress. We are brow beat with junk science daily.

Everyone screams Bush lied. What about?

As a citizen of this nation watching the idiots run the asylum I am waiting for the masses to be slaughtered at the hands of the idiots. Only when we the citizens are slaughtered because of the likes of the DEMON-RATS AND RINO's will things change. How sad is that?

They are grasping for power and forgot what made this nation. Team work.

2007-03-01T04:09:00.000-08:00

CHILDREN'S THOUGHTS ON THE SEA:
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?(Sounds blonde)
(Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Joule age 7)
Start each day with a smile.... then pass it on!!!!!

White Reash Wed (R)ated

2007-02-28T04:59:00.000-08:00

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch
rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing
about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to
Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when
we first started dating and you used to just casually
reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over
at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther,
"Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged,
you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on
the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma
and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you
remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind
of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed
into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where
are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am
I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young
polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you
are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked
his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said
his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his
parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all
real
polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on
top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you
wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't
for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and
vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said,
''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point
A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, ''
Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow
circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was
beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because
I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the
digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was
yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm
fed
up, I'm shutting up my hole.''

So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble
moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow
going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said,
''Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.''
The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES''
everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body
could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole
to
be on top....
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we
never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower
Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front
door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by
a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement! "

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said,
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time".
The husband thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
One day, an African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously. "You have been having sex with my wife," he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, attempting to wriggle out of the difficult situation explained Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black man. "You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them." "OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class. The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day. Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Q. What did the blonde's mum say to her before her date? A. If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was. "Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?" "My, yes," the recruit giggled, "but it would take days and days."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Thought for the Day: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for." - James H. Boren
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
--- A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra! It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden...... ....even in cold temperatures.... After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the shit out of him.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms. The man says "What the hell are you doing?!" She replies "I'm defrosting them!" The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my fuckin' hotdog!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A Classic... A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady was infuriated and said, "You foul-mouthed swine! "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastor's son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by. Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most. "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
When Doug returned to the house one evening, his wife Tammy announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Doug very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're damn right it wasn't," Tammy said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we took from the Hotel while we were on vacation."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a
woman he had been
after for quite a while. When she finally consented
to go out with
him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening
he could.

He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove
out to the beach.
Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for
this date and brought
out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a
bottle of the
finest wine. The moonlight was shining down on
them and Little Johnny
poured his date some wine. He handed her the
glass, looked lovingly
in to her eyes and said,

"Now this is what I call romantic. The waves
crashing on the shore,
the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical
breeze, a bottle of
wine.....," he takes a sip of wine and says,
"Oh and by the way...do
you Spit or Swallow?

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a
real treat. I've been told
that I have a body just like New Jersey."
So, her date grabs her
waist and asks, "What's this?"
She replies, "This is Middlesex."
He grabs her butt and asks, "What's this?
She replies "Freehold."
Then he grabs her breast and asks, "What's this?"
She replies "Point Pleasant."
Finally, he reaches! between her thighs and says,
"I guess this is Cherry Hill?"
"No", She replies, "That's Eatontown."
The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his
pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Heh! Manuel! 'Ow are you?"

"Verrry wella. 'Ow are you, Pepe?"
"Soooo happy! I am married, my wife is da mosta
beautifool woooman in da world! She cooksa mosta
tasty chillie, she isa da besta 'ousekeeper,
you musta come an' see 'er. There's justa one
thinga, she is a mute, she cannotta speaka at all."
A couple of days later Pepe sees Manuel.
"Hey, Manuel, 'ave you seena my wife?"
"Yeah."
"And whatta you thinka?"
"She is DISGUSTING!"
"Disgusting? My Chiquita? Why?"
"I wentta to see you. I politely said to 'er ,
'My name is Manuel.
I 'ave come to see Pepe. Is he at 'ome? Where
is he?' So, she turns her back to me,
she lifta 'er skirt up, bends forward, and she
isn't wearing anything underneatha! Then, she
showsa me the coffee pot. Disgusting."

"Nah, she is not disgusting, she was telling
you, 'That asshole is ina da cafe'."

John walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and ordered a drink.
While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V.,
one of Hillary's political ads came on.
After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone,
"Hillary is a horse's ass!"
Clancy the bartender reached under the bar
and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long
and hit John square across the mouth,
knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.
After a minute or two, John got up,
straightened himself up and said to Clancy,
"I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."
"It's not!" replied Clancy.

"This is horse country!"

This Should Make Ya Smile

2007-02-26T15:35:00.000-08:00

My car broke down, Officer"

A lady has a breakdown and pulls to the side of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two
cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle
facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly
enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer...
"Emergency flashers -- what else?" she replied.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.

Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask
for
directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.

How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.

Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.

Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.

What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
An old man sitting on the nursing home porch in the spring sunlight
turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Spring days
like this really take me back. Do you remember the first time you
made love to your wife?"

"Hell No", says the other fellow, "I don't even remember the LAST
time...."

~~~~~

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let
you do a thing like that to me?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the
s.o.b. that stole my diary..."

~~~~

As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and
out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair
raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would
you please be more careful? I have six children at home."

"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabbie. "You got six kids
and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Interpreting A Police Report

What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)

(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was
closed.

(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a
reckless manner.
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-
DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims
prevented this officer from doing traffic
control.
(2) It was raining.

(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain
intelligence information from a street
informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.

(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious
manner...
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked
by.

(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) He puked on my uniform one night...

(1) The informant is of known credibility and has
provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his
head...

(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted
arrest, and was injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored
sunglasses.. .

(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic
violations.. .
(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he
used...

(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a
voice from inside the house say "Come in" so
this writer entered through the door...
(2) The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have
heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

(1) The members of the press at the scene were
offered every courtesy within departmental
policies...
(2) I sent then to a non-existent address which I
called the "Command Post."

(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for
speeding...
(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a
liquor store and who was free after my shift was
over.

(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took
command...
(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible,
due to conditions.
(2) It was my bowling night...

(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred
speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled
strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive
the car from the back seat.

(1) Using only enough force to restrain the
subject...
(2) My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through
the Goal Post of Life"

(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how
to act before the judge at his arraignment. ..
(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the
judge the same name he called me.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats
down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a
beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the
lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her
breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks
him! He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do
it?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
It was the first time that had made love. They were
fondling each other intimately. She had his donger
in her hand.

"What do you call it?" she asked. "Some guys
call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie.
What do you call yours?"

"I don't have to call mine anything," he replied
"It usually 'cums' without being called."

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The small girl had recently received a new watch and
some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their
family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted
so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her
mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not
interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to
disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and
whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it
laying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty
attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or Iwill
fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young
alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge
explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien
off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away
in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big
green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

A Visual Effect

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it
as he's liable to break something. The boy continues...
"Jake!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!
__._,_.___

Bear Hunting

Two men were on a bear hunting trip, but
one hunter decided to stay in the cabin one day,
while the other went out hunting for a bear.

The hunter soon found a huge bear,
shot at it, but only wounded it.

The wounded bear immediately charged the hunter,
so he ran for the cabin.

He ran as fast as he could, but the bear was just a
little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped
and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped
over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, ran back outside,
closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside,

"You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

A Pirate and a Land-Lubber"
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

Thoughts For Sunday

2007-02-25T10:20:00.000-08:00

Remember...
Once you get over the hill,

you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put some in the food.

...If it weren't for STRESS
I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan...
Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, just don't have any film.

I always know...God won't give me more
than I can handle. There are times
I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff

If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color.

Never be too open-minded,

your brains may fall out.

Just going to church doesn't

make you a Christian.
Not any more than standing

in a garage makes you a car!

Bills travel through the mail...

at twice the speed of checks.

If you look like your passport picture...
you probably need the trip.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth.
Women are from earth.

Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

By the time you can make

ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me... you can't live long enough
to make them all yourself.

I've tried!!

Have A Great Day!!!

This is Fun

2007-02-24T16:22:00.001-08:00

Click here: Scratch & Sniff
IF YOU HAVE SOUNDYOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE..... MAKE SURE IT'S!! ON!!!
Click here: Scratch & Sniff

Saturday Giggles

2007-02-24T14:56:00.000-08:00

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter

"Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ...

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
Section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
the
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who
belongs
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she
Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her
seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.'
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat
in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."

Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather
than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped
to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
course you have here" he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't
see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well Michael. As you wish...look through the gates." He looked and
saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him
sick to his stomach.
"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing
on that course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over
here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and
he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has
ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the
gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I
can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with
laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our
church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel,
the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an
emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He
said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the
good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that
he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed
lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the
sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off
and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were
the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic
gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the
sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating
himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, "Jesus,
Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy,
"Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug "I guess
you must be a sheep dog."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains
were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use
the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck

Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank
than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A. A sex-change operation.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q. How
do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time
they see a bikini. Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A.
Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end
of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big
Foot's been spotted a several times. Q. What's the smartest thing a man
can say? A. "My wife says..." Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A.
Because they're all pigs. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites
attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger
make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end
they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

After his attorney's motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court
John spoke up,
"Your Honor," he said, "What would you do if I called you a stupid,
degenerate, old fool!"
The Judge really angered, revered,
"I would hold you in contempt of Court and see to have you put in jail
for the longest time allowed by law!"
Quickly thinking, John's shocked attorney, asked,
"What if he only 'thought' it, Your Honor?"
"In that case, there is nothing I could do, he has the right to think
whatever he wishes." replied the Judge.
"Oh I see," said john, "then, if it pleases the court, let the record
reflect that I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old fool!"
------------ -----

Daffynitions Not Found in Webster's. . . .
Secret: what we tell everyone not to tell anyone.
Hospital: where you might wind up if you get run down.
Nudist: a person who is never clothes-minded.
Twins: womb-mates.
Tension: what the sergeant shouts to the troops.
Bargain Basement: a place where what you seize is what you get.
Zinc: what you do if you can't zwim.
Paralyze: a couple of fibs.
Bacteria: rear entrance to a cafeteria.
Seamstress: a real material girl.
Diploma: the person you call when your toilet backs up.
Operetta: an employee of the phone company.
Calculator: a product you can count on.
Microwave: a head full of tiny curls.
Jail cell: a bar room.
Golf cart: a vehicle with a fore cylinder engine.
Minister: a man who is the soul support of his family.
Cashew: the noise a nut makes when it sneezes.
Stupendous: advanced stupidity.
Hurricane: what Abel said to his brother when he was late for school..
------------ -----
My wife's as cold as marble...... she says I take her for granite.
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.. ...
for most of their mrried life they fought tooth and nail.
I used to run a doughnut shop but I got tired of the hole business.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Mrs Gumbo was backing out of her driveway when she heard a sickening
'thump'. She stopped the car in a panic and rushed out to see what had
happened. There, at the end of the driveway, was a small dog lying on
its side. It was dead. (okay, everybody... .'Awwwwwww! )
Mrs Gumbo felt just awful. She knew it was her neighbor's dog. Looking
very worried, she climbed the front staris of her neighbor's house and
knocked on the door. She waited for a couple of minutes. Finally, a man
answered.
"I'm soooo sorry," Mrs Gumbo said "I was backing out of my driveway just
a few minutes ago when I heard a 'thump'. I got out of my car to see
what had happened. Your dog was lying dead at the end of the driveway.
I'm afraid that I ran over her and I feel just terrible about it. I
*insist* on replacing her!"
The man paused and then said. . .
"Okay, well, I guess *you* can bring me my slippers and newspaper
tomorrow morning then."

Short and Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough
to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please
leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always
try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
of takeoffs you make."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take
without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know
your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to g ive him time to think
of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting
harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The Java Psalm. . .

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will
fear no Equal(tm): For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar, they
comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The
Starbucks; Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I
will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.

Great quotes by comedians

2007-02-23T07:17:00.000-08:00

Great quotes by comedians

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

Bunch of REALLY good stuff

2007-02-22T08:38:00.000-08:00

Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes . Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Ba nd-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover. Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine. a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly...Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor ...Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites. All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... It's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

If you share this to 10 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was worth it.

The Perfect Marriage

2007-02-21T11:54:00.000-08:00

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name w as Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said " Dust!"

The Redneck Challenge

2007-02-20T21:21:00.000-08:00

We are tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya...

There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

Useless but interesting Facts

2007-02-20T16:43:00.000-08:00

Useless but interesting Facts
* A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
* The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early
1500s.
* The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in
2000B.C.
* Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
* America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
* When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose
withhis teeth.
* In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
* A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give
her coffee.
* The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
* An Indian woman can legally wed a goat.
* Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.
* The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
* Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
* What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.
* In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones -
Bhutan.
* The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi
in 1981.
* Every person has a unique tongue print.
* Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
* Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
* When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
* Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the
pets in their wallets.
* Bubble gum contains rubber.
* You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
* In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
* Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
* The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in
Jello.
* The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its
legs.
* Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
* Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
* Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
* The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of
people.
* Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are.
* Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over
his head.
* In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the
bills.
* A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South
Bend,Indiana.
* About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more
money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]
* It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
* An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day.
* Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It
Hot.
* Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
* Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
* Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres.
Bush in1991.
* Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."
* Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the
western Pacific.
* There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
* Most lipstick contains fish scales.
* Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
* Mosquitos have teeth.
* Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
* Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
* The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard
Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
* When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
* Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
* Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.
* In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when
patients would die.
* An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.
* Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant
"plenty of excrement."
* Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

Funnies

2007-02-20T06:22:00.000-08:00

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
Don't mess with old farts
************
*Redneck Man's pick up lines**

1) Did you fart? *
*cuz you blew me away. **

2) Are yer parents retarded? *
Cuz ya sure are special. **

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . *
*I can't hold it in. **
4) Do you have a library card?*
*cuz I'd like to sign you out. **

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? *
*cuz I can see myself in em. **

6) If you **was a tree** I **were a** **Squirrel, *
*I'd store my nuts in yer hole. **

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, *
*but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, *
*but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. **

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? *
*I think he went inta this cheap motel room. **

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, *
*we kin sleep til afternoon. **
And.... The best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, *
*every time I think of it my nuts tighten up. *

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
<><><><><><><>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
<><><><><><><>
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
<><><><><><><>
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
<><><><><><><>

A couple in their nineties, are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
<><><><><><><>
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
<><><><><><><>
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
<><><><><><><>
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

~by Howard Schnauber~

2007-02-19T17:30:00.000-08:00

I am the flag of the United States of America.
My name is Old Glory.
I fly atop the world's tallest buildings.
I stand watch in America's halls of justice.
I fly majestically over great institutes of learning.
I stand guard with the greatest military power in the world.

Look up! And see me!
I stand for peace - honor - truth and justice.
I stand for freedom
I am confident - I am arrogant
I am proud.

When I am flown with my fellow banners
My head is a little higher
My colors a little truer.
I bow to no one.

I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshipped - I am saluted - I am respected
I am revered - I am loved, and I am feared.

I have fought every battle of every war
for more than 200 years:
Gettysburg, Shilo, Appomatox, San Juan Hill,
the trenches of France,
the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome,
the beaches of Normandy,

the deserts of Africa,
the cane fields of the Philippines,
the rice paddies andjungles of Guam, Okinawa,
Japan, Korea, Vietnam, Guadalcanal,
New Britain, Peleliu, and many more islands.
And a score of places long forgotten
by all but those who were with me.

I was there.
I led my soldiers - I followed them.
I watched over them.
They loved me.
I was on a small hill in Iwo Jima.
I was dirty, battle-worn and tired,
but my soldiers cheered me,
and I was proud.

I have been soiled, burned, torn
and trampled on the streets of countries
I have helped set free.
It does not hurt, for I am invincible.

I have been soiled, burned, torn
and trampled on the streets of my country,
and when it is by those with whom
I have served in battle - it hurts.
But I shall overcome - for I am strong.

I have slipped the bonds of Earth
and stand watch over the
uncharted new frontiers of space
from my vantage point on the moon.

I have been a silent witness to all
of America's finest hours.
But my finest hour comes when I am torn
into strips to be used for bandages
for my wounded comrades on the field of battle,

When I fly at half mast to honor my soldiers,
And when I lie in the trembling arms
of a grieving mother at the graveside
of her fallen son.

I am proud.
My name is Old Glory.
Dear God - Long may I wave.
~by Howard Schnauber~

Some Giggles while Blogger lets me on

2007-02-18T12:49:00.000-08:00

Funny thoughts.... .......
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you?

************
What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head
Out the window?
Refueling.

What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?
A brain tumor

If a blonde who dyes her hair brown is "Artificial Intelligence,"
What would you call a brunette who bleached her hair blonde?
"Artificial stupidity?"
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What don't blonds wear red lipstick?
Because it means stop wrong hole.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A South Carolina farm wife called the local
phone company to report her telephone failed
to ring when her friends called - and that on
the few occasions when it did ring, her dog
always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the
scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile
lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the
dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone
repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's
ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was
loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling
current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start
moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit,
thus causing the phone to ring........ .........
which demonstrates that some problems CAN
be fixed by pissing and moaning.

An old person poem....

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.
************
Top Ten Reasons I'm Proud To Have Been In The United States Navy

10. The Navy is my favorite branch of the armed forces and my favorite color
(Machinist's Mate Chief Andy Kuvent)

9. The way people stare when you pull up to the marina in a fast-attack
submarine
(Machinist's Mate First Class Dave Padgett)

8. It's fun to be seasick
(Sonar Technician Third Class Mike Doehring)

7. Best chance I'll ever have to meet Popeye
(Sonar Technician First Class John Hawkins)

6. You didn't hear it from me but we've got flying submarines
(Mess Management Specialist Second Class Jeffery Lay)

5. Remember that game Battleship? We get to play it with real ships
(Machinist's Mate Second Class Jesse Yoast)

4. Best chance I'll ever have to meet Olive Oyl
(Machinist's Mate Second Class Christopher Reed)

3. You can fish off the stern of the ship -- try doing that in an F-16
(Lieutenant Jason Biegelson)

2. I look sweet in uniform
(Machinist's Mate Firemen Apprentice Chris Yacur)

1. I'd like to see some skinny late night talk show host drive a submarine
(Chief of the Boat Dean Irwin)

chuckles

2007-02-18T12:09:00.001-08:00

Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could se! e her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my
license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

At The Doctor's Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Dry Cleaners

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”

He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”

She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

Blonde Logic
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

------------------------------...
Making a Bet
There once was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair red and try and trick everyone into thinking that she was a redhead. After she dyed her hair, she went for a drive to see if she could trick anyone. She came across a sheep herder and his herd and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your herd, can I take one home?" The sheep herder said, "Sure!" The blonde proudly said, "There are 345 sheep." The sheep herder exclaimed, "Wow! That is absolutely right, so go ahead and pick a sheep to take home." The Blonde got out, got a sheep, and put it in her car. The sheep herder said, "Now I have a deal for you. If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Blonde Cop Wannabe
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and Tomorrow," she replied. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Thermos
A blonde is in a store and sees a thermos. She picks it up and asks the clerk what it is. The clerk says, "It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde decides to buy the thermos. She brings it to work the next day. The blonde's boss (also a blonde) asks what it is. "It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," explains the blonde. "So what do you have in it?" asks the boss. The blonde answers, "Some hot chocolate and a popcicle."

Something to Ponder

2007-02-18T10:11:00.001-08:00

Global Warming Equals Socialism
"Global warming is the ideal scare campaign for those who are doing all they can to secure strict control over society, business, and the minutest details of individual life." As Horner explains, "if global warming really were as bad as the Leftist doomsayers insist it is, then no policy imaginable could 'solve' it . . . no matter how much we sacrifice there would still be more to do. That makes global warming the bottomless well of excuses for the relentless growth of Big Government."

Take a Few Minutes

2007-02-18T09:17:00.000-08:00

Have a giggle like a kid.

interesting facts about Texas

2007-02-18T06:26:00.000-08:00

There is one thing missing and that is the don't mess with Texas slogan.

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas..

1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles

2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North
America built over water.

6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach for Rice University in Houston.

7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."

12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as Constitution of 1845 by Republic of Texas to enter the union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag, and may divide into 4 States.

15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after
Dr in Dr Pepper.

18. Texas has had six capital cities:

18.1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
18.2. Harrisburg
18.3. Galveston
18.4. Velasco
18.5. West Columbia
18.6. Austin

19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).

20. The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.

21. The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females. Well, I thought it was interesting anyway!)

22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

23. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the ten Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

Ten Commandments, Cowboy Style.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?

Y'all have a good Day.
Ye hear now ?
"THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU"

His Holy Space.

2007-02-16T19:36:00.000-08:00

For anyone that don't like

myspace or cherrytap

here is a really nice place to make

friends in a calm atmosphere.

HisHolySpace.

Check it out. I even hide there now.

Hill

2007-02-16T10:50:00.000-08:00

I don't care if these pics blow the template all to hell for weeks I think they are great.

Remember When

2007-02-16T09:37:00.001-08:00

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.