Sunday Afternoon Funnies

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The weekly poker game was being held at little Johnnys house and he was
being a regular problem, he would call out the cards the guys held and sneak
into the snacks and beer until Uncle Clyde had enough.
Clyde took little Johnny by the hand and led him out of the room.
Clyde came back alone and things settled down and the poker games were going
along nicely.
Finally after a couple of hours, Johnny's dad asked Clyde, what did you
do with Johnny?
Clyde replied, nothin much, I just showed him how to jack off.

Bill Wagahoft
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A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells
them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And for the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
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Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is
an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up
behind him--lights flashing.
Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on
an emergency call.
Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response,
dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
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Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone
service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.
"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.
"CTC? Who are they?"
"You know..." he responded. "Call Them Collect."
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Things overheard at the STD clinic

by Paul Demko

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a
public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually
transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my
face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin'
a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old
homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis
over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores,
they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my
other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat
before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either
of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline
out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my
brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a
'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."
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A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says,

"I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says,
"Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,

10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks,
"Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your
asshole is for."
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Woman

Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman
1.. You're a bietch.
2.. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get
pissed off when you are believed.
3.. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4.. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5.. Whine.
6.. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your
almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep,
it's because he is lazy.
7.. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8.. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9.. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for
meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving
his love.
10.. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your
cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11.. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must
be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately
to spread this as quickly as possible.
12.. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing
anything other than catering to your needs.



Nursery Rhyme

THIS LITTLE PIGGY

This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had roast beef.
This little piggy had none.
This little piggy went wee, wee, wee and bought some Depends disposable
undergarments to solve that problem.

Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
And his winter wasn't bad either.

Mary had a little lamb,
Little lamb, little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb,
So she is suing the test tube lab.

Fuzzy
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bare,
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair,
Fuzzy Wuzzy was arrested for indecent exposure and is now serving time
in the state pen.

Garden
Mary, Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow,
Spraying pesticides and herbicides all down the row?

Bridge
London Bridge is in Arizona, Arizona, Arizona.,
London Bridge is in Arizona, as a tourist trap.

Peter
Peter, Peter wife beater
Had a wife and used to beat her,
'Till she shot him with a shot gun shell,
And sent that bastard straight to hell.
Then she sold the movie rights.
It's now a mini series on Tuesday nights.
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Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
do NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals.

2. Spiked hair and bald spots.

3. A pierced tongue and dentures.

4. Miniskirts and support hose.

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.

6. Speedo's and cellulite.

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.

10. Bikinis and liver spots,

11. Short shorts and varicose veins.

12. Inline skates and a walker.

13. Thongs and Depends.

And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks" --

14. Pierced Nipples that hang below the waist.




Salesman

A traveling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel
lonely and horny. He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the
bartender what men did for fun around here. The bartender told him to go to
room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa. He did. Soon the door
opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm $20," she said. Much to his dismay the salesman
had only $18, which he promptly offered. "Vanessa does not lower her
standards for anyone," she said. "I'll send up Angela."

A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and
treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fucking.

Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in
the same bar, talking to the same bartender. "Bet you don't remember me," he
said.

"Sure I do," replied the bartender. "You're the guy that knocked up Angela
25 years ago. That's your son at the end of the bar. He's been in every
night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.

The salesman went over to the boy and said, "Son, I think I may be your
daddy."

The boy said, "Great! What is my last name?"

"Bardowski," the salesman said.

"Oh, no," said the boy, "you mean that I waited ten years to find out that
I'm Polish?"

"Hey, kid," the salesman said, "it could've been worse. Two dollars more and
you'da been black too!"