Late Evening Edition

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"As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a
DUI. They said on the news that if he is convicted he could face
up to 14 days in the 'Thunderdome'." --Jay Leno

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An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a pro- minent
medical school.

"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be
five years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon.
I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

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"'The artist formerly known as Prince' is getting divorced.
He was seen removing his belongings from the house formerly known
as his." --Jay Leno

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"Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical
condition. He still thinks communism was a good idea until he was
being rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile."
--Conan O'Brien

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"An Inconvenient Truth: 'There has never been a better time for a
movie about global warming set inside an air-conditioned theater
than right now.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

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Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works
are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates
list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective
employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by
the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

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"Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro was checked into a hospital and has
temporarily given control over to his brother. Control of his
beard has been given over to ZZ Top." --Conan O'Brien
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"You know I keep reading about the Mel Gibson story that they know
that Mel meant what he said because alcohol is a truth serum. Keep
hearing this over and over. Alcohol is a truth serum. Really? Since
when? Women, when is the last time you met a guy in a bar who has
been drinking and he told you the truth? 'Married, no, I've never
been married. Kids? I don't have any kids?'" --Jay Leno

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"The Los Angeles Police Department has a tape of Mel Gibson's
arrest but have decided they are not going to release it to the
press. Instead they decided it is too good and are going to sell
it on DVD." --Conan O'Brien

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"Miami's Hispanic population took to the streets last night to
celebrate Fidel Castro temporarily stepping down from power. Way
to go America! Our plan to slowly deter- iorate his health over
the course of 50 years is working."
--Stephen Colbert

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One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her
operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon...
"Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash
your hands..."

After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we
discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the doctor,
"Has anyone seen my wristwatch?"

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

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"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but
to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld





Just a few weeks after taking a job as a security guard, my husband
announced that he had been fired. He explained that he'd fallen
asleep at this desk and someone broke into the building.

"But you're such a light sleeper," I said. "I'm surprised the
sound of the guy breaking in didn't wake you up."

"I didn't get fired for falling asleep," he confessed, "I was
fired for wearing my earplugs."

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"In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class
clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops
his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who
talked him into it." --Billy Crystal

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"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good
is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a
vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey

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"A Washington state supreme court has ruled it's illegal for a
parent to eavesdrop on their children's phone con- versations
without their consent. So the state is telling parents they can't
listen to "their" kids on the phone they pay for. And of course,
once the kid commits a crime, who does the state blame? The
parents." --Jay Leno

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Coming out of the supermarket the other day, I saw a scary sight. As
a woman loaded groceries into her trunk, her shopping cart began
to roll away. The scary part? It was heading straight for my car.

She ran after it, but was too late...the cart slammed into my
driver's side door. "How bad's the damage?" I called out, running
toward her.

"Bad," she said, gathering her groceries. "I broke at least a
dozen eggs."
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