There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not
know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one
$5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes
out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for
you because I love you so much." The second one went out and
bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a
stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these
gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock
market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man
and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest
of the money for our future because I love you so much." The
man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
... He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest
Last year I replaced all the windows in my
house with that expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He
was complaining that the windows had been
installed a whole year ago
and I hadn't paid for them yet
Hellloooo? Just because I'm blonde doesn't
mean that I am stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his
fast-talking sales guy had told ME
last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR
these windows would pay
for themselves! Helllooooo"? I told him
"It's been a year" !
There was only silence at the other end of the
line, so I finally
just hung up.... He hasn't called back,
probably too embarrassed
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he
a blonde anymore
"Kentuckys worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery." "The search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night."
Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor,
were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending
time in Afghanistan.
When they landed, a man approached them and
said, "Boys, to show my thanks for serving our country
I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't
have to pay for a cab."
The guys thankfully agreed and drove off. Halfway
there, the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a
lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a
farmhouse and went to ask to use the phone.
When the man at the door answered and saw the men
in uniform, he invited them in. He said, "Boys, for serving
our country, I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack
up with my three daughters. You'll have to discuss amongst
yourselves who sleeps with which girl, and there's plenty
beer in the fridge."
The men ate and the first girl came down the stairs, a
very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said, "She's
mine," and they went upstairs.
The second girl came down, prettier than the first. The
jarhead snatched her up and they, too, went upstairs.
The sailor waited for the last girl, sure that he would be
getting the heifer of the group. To his delight she came
down and was the finest of them all.
The next morning the farmer was cooking breakfast
when the fly boy came down, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking.
The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast, but the fly boy
said, "No, thank you, sir. You've done enough already,"
The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as
the fly boy's, but still acceptable. The farmer offered him
food, but he only drank coffee, thanked the farmer and left.
The sailor finally came down, still a little drunk,
neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer
offered him breakfast. The sailor ate everything offered
and left without even a 'thank you.'
After they all were gone, the farmer called his girls
down. Rubbing his hands together greedily, he said, "OK,
girls, how did we do?"
The girl who had been with the airman said, "He fondled
me a little, drank a beer, fell asleep and gave me $200!"
The girl who had been with the marine said, "He made
love to me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."
The poor girl who had been with the sailor appeared tired
and worn out saying, "He made love to me all night, drank
the rest of the beer and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50
from me till next payday!"
This kindergarten teacher was taking her class
to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the
cage for the zebra:
TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is?
JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black
and white stripes. Must be a zebra.
TEACHER: Very good, Johnny.
They come to the elephant.
TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal
JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a
trunk. Is it an elephant?
TEACHER: Very good, Jane.
They come to the baboon cage.
TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is?
Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly.
TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try?
BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot
of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his
face... must be a truck driver.
In bygone days, a thin man insulted a large man. The large man
challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage
held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin
man came up with a solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to
"and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't
This blonde rang up the doctor & asked, "Doc, would u check if I left
panties behind in ur examination room?"
The doctor looked around & said,"No, they are not here." "Oh," replied
the Blonde, "then I must have left them at the dentist's."
The nervous blonde sat on the dentist's chair to have her tooth
extracted. Seeing so many instruments, she got frightened. "Doc, I would rather
have a baby than have my tooth pulled out." The dentist
retorted,"Well, make up ur mind so that I can adjust the chair accordingly. "
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement.
While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies,
and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said,
"Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go
visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of
eighteen kids in my family."
The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen
children, so the man volunteered to explain.
"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing."
Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad
would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would
A blonde walks into a pro shop, points to a golf club and asks the
clerk the price. The clerk looked to where she was pointing and
stated that the owner told him not to sell golf equipment to blondes
because they always seem to return the items.
The blonde left the shop, very mad, and walked down the street to a
wig shop, where she bought a brunette wig.
She returned to the pro shop and, pointing to the same golf club,
asked the clerk the price.
The clerk replied, "Sorry lady, the owner does not sell golf
equipment to blondes because of the high return rate."
"How did you know that I am a blonde," she asked.
The clerk replied, "That's a golf umbrella, not a golf club."
At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the
defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the
victim asked if she could write out the answer, After reading the note the
judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it arnong the rest of
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting
next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fuck you like
you've never been fucked before."
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
Q: How do women get minks? A: The same way minks get minks
"Early today Michael Jackson met with his priest - not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date." -Jay Leno
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Roshashanna. The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you light the 8 candles?" "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hannukah." The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you eat the unlevened bread?" "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Roshashanna is the holiday when we blow the shofar." "See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you Jews...you're so good to your help."
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
Some of these are funny
Zen and the Wisdom of Life
( read while in a solemn mood)
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you
have their shoes.
6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
7. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
9. A Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of bad
experience comes from bad judgment.
10. There are two theories about arguing with women.
Neither one works.
11. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
12. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night !!!