White Trash Wed
Broke Back Mountain Lady
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for
The job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired
Signs You're Sick of the Holidays
8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
7. You're serving reindeer pot pie
6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun
4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
1. Two words: tinsel rash
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length! It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
During the burning of Rome, the Emperor Nero engaged in a wild sex
orgy, frequently stopping to urinate. You could say that Nero
diddled, piddled and fiddled while Rome burned. (Richard Lederer)
Become an amateur gynecologist. Look up a friend today.
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature
ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
How do New Zealanders practice safe sex?
They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for, she's going to eat me next!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25, but deer nuts are always under a buck. (Alan
Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. They're attracted by what I
don't mind. (Gypsy Rose Lee)
How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.
When arrested as a Peeping Tom at the girl's dorm, what excuse did
the graduate student offer?
His graduate advisor had suggested that he study abroad this
semester. (Ken Pinkham)
Weird Fact of the Day:
Dating back to 336 A.D., Christmas was first celebrated in ancient Rome, around 300 years after Christ's birth.
Joke of the day: Mrs. Santa Claus was seeking a divorce from an incredulous judge who asked her to explain her marital problems. ""It's that happy, jolly stuff, all year long,"" she said. ""It drives me crazy!""""All year? Why, I thought Santa's work was only in the winter,"" said the judge. ""Sure, but in summer he takes up gardening,"" Mrs. Santa replied, ""and then it's hoe, hoe, hoe all over again!"""
3 Words Test
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"