Tuesday's Funnies

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only
thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer
quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a
15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand
grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a
car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!
"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time
in history.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when
Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call
his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You
are not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you
for making us move to Detroit."
buffalo says poor Detroit, two coaches later the few points needed each game
to become a winning team has eluded them. Last summer they tried to draft
members of Al Qaeda for their defensive line but the commissioner ruled that
exploding
linesmen were not permitted on the roster.
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There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist.
"Everything is coming up roses!" he would say.
The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy,
as in Murphy's Law, was an optimist.
The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist.
He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins' personalities. . .
"On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to open their gifts.
Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, and give the optimist a
box of manure."
The parents followed these instructions and carefully observed the
results.
When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him
audibly complaining,
"I don't like the color of this computer . . I'll bet this calculator
will break . . . I don't like the game . . . I know someone who's got a
bigger toy car than this . . ."
Tip-toeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their
little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was
giggling.
"You can't fool me! Where there's this much manure, there's gotta be
a pony!"


Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern
marriage which meant equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy
breakfast in bed.
Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I
wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought his true love a scrambled
egg.
Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I wanted
poached this morning!"
Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought his true love
two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!"
Kathy was furious, "You scrambled the wrong egg!"
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A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He
can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally
comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how
smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail
wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with
anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay, Irving,
Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging
furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears.
He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my
tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in
such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that
dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it
gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try
it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me
out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I
tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I
can't remember when!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says,
"I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he
is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He
thought I said, 'Kvetch'."


Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that the lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Shit!" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary."

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Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the
trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar,
drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating
a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn
to look at her. "Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.
No, the woman shakes her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No
again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her
skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue
from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This
shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies
out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of
his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick
Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it."

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Four Marines are walking down the street. When they see a sign that
says "Veterans Bar" they go in. The bartender asks what they will have
and they all ask for a martini. He delivers the drinks and says, "That
will be 10 cents." They can't believe their good luck. They finish the
drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will
be 10 cents."

This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender,
"How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"

The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a
retired Navy Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a
bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open
this place for veterans. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer,
all the same."

They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't
ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are some Army troops;
they're waiting for happy hour."
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In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."