Friday's Funnies.

Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in
order.
He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.
Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform.
Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him.
Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up
with a ticket.
Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West
53rd, dated January 14th, 1945.
He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 61years old.
Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders
over to see where the shoe repair was.
He can't believe his good luck, the shoe repair store is still there.
He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old
shoemaker.
The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 65 years.
"Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.
Sy is amazed.
What good fortune!
What a coincidence!
Only in America!
Herman comes back.
"I've still got your shoes. They'll be done Friday!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(Yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"


LOVEMAKING - TIPS FOR SENIORS
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.


Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an
impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing
their contracts' sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held
aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced,
"called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee,
who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if
he hadn't been sick!"


Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold,
turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas
message for answering machine.

December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones,
fashion a
cat-o-nine- tails. Flog gardener.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with
mocha trim.

December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

December 7 Debug Windows Vista

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents"
in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will
be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner' s
sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange
slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon
windows with worthless stock.

December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen
engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel
less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented
with homemade potpourri.

December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend
in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that
country.



Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step
stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological
texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding
underwater.

8. See! You're smiling already. :)

My two brothers arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning,
their unit was dragged out of bed by a drill sargent and made to
assemble outside.
"My name's Seargent Jackson," he snarled. "Is there anyone here who
thinks he can whip me?"
My six-foot-three, 280-pound, brother raised his hand and said,
"Yes sir, I do."
The sargent grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the
entire group.
"Men," he said, "this is my new assistant. Now is there anyone here who
thinks he can whip both of us?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
"I have good news and bad news," the defence lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Damn it!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."