WHITE TRASH WEDNESDAY
Weird Fact of the Day:
The Dead Sea has been sinking for last several years.
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's back yard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the f**king balls to pull the trigger."
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She
Headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone With his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry.
Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for
A second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on
Your license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have
Contacts," the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know,"
Snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."
A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race. The broccoli
Got off to a great start, but being a green runner, didn't have the
Strength to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and
Neck for the first stretch, but the tomato quickly fell behind. The
Yam was about to reach the end of the track, but collapsed in
Exhaustion right before the finish line. In the course of an hour,
The tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won. Why was the
Tomato so successful? The tomato paste itself.
1. "Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now."
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
Clearly Defined Words
A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.
MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.
METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.
MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.
MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.
MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.
NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.
A lawyer walks into a courtroom, places his satchel on the floor,
and says, "Your Honor, I rest my case."
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental prostitute and asks? "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?" "Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
Gal: I'd better warn you, my husband will be home in
Guy: But I haven't done anything I shouldn't do.
Gal: I know, but if you're going to, you'd better
Shirley had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and
finally consented to going out on a date with Morris, the
gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very
secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for a long time
and found himself very attracted to Shirley and despite her
resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to
make love to her.
Shirley was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed
"I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time
of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Shirley looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to
do it again, aren't you?"