Laughs, Back Grounds, N Stuff
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene
in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a
virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however
finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defences were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters--let' s send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defences we've carefully made.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote
country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear
had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn
and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down
pour). About an hour later a travelling salesman got
stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to
stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the
house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the
salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame
bear was in the barn.
The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The
salesman went to the barn. Later another travelling
salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him
about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen
left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and
approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and
mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so
concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the
The woman said I can take care of myself and left for
Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy
knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman
was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.
The woman replied I give up on human nature,the first
guy gave me forty dollars,the second guy gave me fifty
dollars,but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never
even said thanks.
Gold, Common Sense and Fur
By Linda C. Stafford
My husband and I had been happily (most of the time) married for five
Years but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious
Praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a
Perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with his word as
God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God
Blessed us with another son. The following year, he blessed us with yet
Another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.
My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty. We now had
Four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never
To ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me,
Pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella."
I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as
They lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had entrusted
Me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint him.
I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the
Kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding when they started a hotel for homeless frogs
In the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all
When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a
Blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog,
I tried to see the humor rather than the mess. In spite of changing
Over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never
Sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily
For my children.
While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother - I didn't even
Come close - I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God. I
Knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we
Going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap
Along to "wash up" Jesus, too.
Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us
Everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us
His "last wife."
My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My
Daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest
Son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe
Wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby
Was wrapped in wrinkled clothes." My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's
Not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes."
A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was
Stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing. I
Slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll
Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed
The doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men
My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt
At the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are
Bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."
The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing
Ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one,"
Laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes. "For the rest of my
Life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold,
Common sense and fur."
"My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said
As I dug through my purse for an aspirin
Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations
at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects aren't the only
thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full
of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what??? I go
right into labor. My OB doc said: "Make the trip."
Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly
special. But it's been a madhouse ever since! First, we
can't agree on a name. Joseph likes Immanuel;
I'm holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop
by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad enough). At least
those three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange
myrrh without a receipt?) We can't get a good
night's sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks
in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling.
Well, got to go!
Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I guess we're
off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!
All my love,