Saturday's Laughs and Links
How to liven up Thanksgiving dinner Modify this and it will work for Christmas
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen,
toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the
table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful
for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to
say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the
VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last
two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn
off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive
conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you
they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration
date. You were worried for nothing."
Letters Of Recommendations For Employees
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed his career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number
of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this
person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the standards
he sets for himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive
that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be
better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further
consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making
this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things
about this candidate or recommend him too
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop
at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry
about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."
"You should have used the drive-through, " she said.
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor
that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow
went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a
bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed
it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new
desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and
the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor
saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In
case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order;
envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is
losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3
envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your
predecessor for every thing".
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to
its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens
the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is,
once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes
directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"
A recent transplant to the mountains of North Carolina writes:
The folks around these parts have a peculiarity that drives me nutty.
You ask them an "either/or" question, and their answer is-- "That'll be
I asked a lady the other night who was coming through my register at
Wal-Mart, "Ma'am, would you like your milk in a bag or not?"
"That'll be fine," was her reply.
I looked quizzically at her, and asked, "Does that mean 'yes' or 'no'?"
"I said that that'll be fine," was her answer. Since I was holding it up
in my hand, out of a bag, I decided to assume that "that" in this case
meant "that naked jug of milk that you're holding in your hand, not in a
This feeling was further reinforced by a slight nod of the head
towards the jug just as she said the word "that'll." I set the jug
in the buggy without putting it in a sack.
"I *said* I wanted it in a bag," she complained. "You want me to
shout it or write it down for you?
"That'll be fine!" I replied.
All my life, when the Western states (Nevada, Arizona, etc.) weather
was discussed, I always heard something along the lines of ,
'it's hot, but it's a dry heat...'
Last year in February, on vacation in Las Vegas, I commented to a
lady running a gift shop that it must be unbearable in Las Vegas
She responded that it was hot, yes, 110 degrees or more in the
shade at it worst, but that it was a dry heat....
Another New Yorker in my group snickered and commented: "So's a
During a storm, a woman's car became stuck in a snowbank.
An obstetrician saw her spinning her wheels, trying to get out.
When he offered to help, the woman could not resist telling him,
"Okay, Doctor, now when I count to three, PUSH!"
Ozzie came home from school with a black eye and cut lips. His
mother sighed deeply, "Oh, Ozzie, you've been in another fight."
"But, Mom," sniffled Ozzie, "I was just keeping a little boy from
being beaten up by a bigger boy."
"Well," said the mom, "that was brave. Who was the little boy?"
(Been Here)After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would
take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you
think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest 5 year old son replied quizzically,
Chuck Rogers, a self employed marketing consultant, has won his
company's 'Employee of the Month Award' for a record 23 months
in a row. Said Rogers, "I began the award program nearly two
years ago when my psychologist and business coach suggested that
I needed to create a company plan for maintaining employee moral
and building self-esteem. "
Rogers, who works alone from his home office, has received 100%
of the votes for the 'Employee of the Month Award' since its
inception. Said Rogers, "It feels really good every time I win
the award. I am always surprised and flattered when the winner
is announced. But the best part is that I get to use the special
parking spot set aside for the winner. It is right next to the
house. You can't imagine what a benefit that has been!"
I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I
dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error.
So the I.R.S. operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said,
"The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."
She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"
A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this
urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast,
The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in
nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the
place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married
for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents
lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found
investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married
I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and
never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money
under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the
market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it
is being delivered in two days."
The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. They
occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were
inseparable. One evening after dinner as they were returning to
their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was
pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms,
and quietly undressed. Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just
as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he
was with his friend's wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door
"Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!"
I always go to the races and have made some friends at the track. My
favorite racer is Dale Earnhardt Jr., and appropriately I wear
a jersey with his number 8 on it. While at the races one day, I
spotted one of my friends above in the stands. It was unusually
cool that day so I was wearing a sweat shirt over the top of my
jersey. My friend who was in the grand stand above shouted down to
me, "Where is your jersey?" So I lifted my sweat shirt to show her
my jersey. The crowd started whopping and hollering... at me. I
suddenly realized that I had also grabbed my sweat shirt as well
as my jersey, flashing my braless front to everyone above me in
the stands. I immediately found a new shade of red.
A friend of mine spent two weeks touring the West with a Boy Scout
troop. They were in a bank cashing checks, and one boy was having
trouble because he had lost his wallet. He still claimed he had
identification, but he didn't want to show it. The pretty, young
teller insisted, so the Scout leaned forward and whispered in her
ear. She motioned for him to come behind the counter. My friend,
who was tall enough to see over the counter, saw the blushing boy
tug out his shirt tail, fold his belt over in back and then pull
up the label on his underwear to show his name neatly printed
there. The teller cashed his check.
At the bank where I used to work, we tellers were constantly
cautioned either to know the person who wanted to cash a cheque,
or to request proper identification. One time a young man, who
minutes before could produce no ID, returned to my window with
what he considered the perfect identification. Tucked under his
arm was his high-school yearbook, which he opened to his class
picture. I cashed his cheque.
Labels: Saturday Fun