Friday's Funnies

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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear
a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 am. Any later, and ynur diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 am. The appointed
hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 am,
Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and satisfied. "Where have
you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed
to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy
Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that
kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter
Peter, something or other....
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At Christmas, a little girl goes to see Santa.
She climbs on his lap and smiles. Santa says," And what can I bring you for Christmas?" The little girl says, " I want a Barbie and a GI joe." Santa looks at her and says," I thought Barbie comes with Ken." The little girl says, " No, Barbie comes with GI joe, she fakes it with Ken."
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!,
between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I
was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him
by the ears to make him come."
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Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland , Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!
"Ain't dat grand!!" Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too...."
Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we ain't got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"
Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception." Murph said, "Ah yeah, during conception."
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil." She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."
Murph said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40
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In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged
man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so
her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"
She replies, "My head hurts."
Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"
"Yes," she says.
Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"
"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her
lips. "Is it better now?"
"Much better."
"Anywhere else?"
She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.
Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young
man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids? "
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There was a virgin who was going to get married. She asked her mother
if it hurt when you had sex. Her mother said not really, but to help
you can use Vaseline.
So the virgin goes and buys a jar and puts it in her suitcase. At the
hotel room on her wedding night, she is lying in bed while her husband
is in the bathroom getting ready. She decides to rub a little Vaseline
on.
He comes out of the bathroom and she says, "Oh MY!", and then rubs a
little more Vaseline on.
He gets half way across the room and she says, "Oh MY GOD!!" and rubs a
little more on.
He gets right beside the bed and she says, "HOLY SHIT!!!" and puts the
rest of it on.
Her husband stands there for a moment and takes a look. He then walks
over to her suitcase, takes her rosary beads out and starts to wrap them
around his penis.
She says, "What the heck are you doing?"
He replies, "It looks a little slick. I thought I'd put some chains
on."
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@

A guy looking for a job finds that a certain mill is hiring lumberjacks. So he goes out to the mill and talks to the foreman who tells him all about the job, pay and housing for all the lumberjacks. Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go to work at once. But when he was walking around he noticed that there weren't any women around. So he pulls the foreman aside and asks him what everyone does for sex. The foreman laughs and brings him over to this bog tree that has a hole in it. "This is the fucking tree," says the foreman, "whenever you get horny, come over and put your dick in the hole and fuck away. Trust me, it does the trick every time." The man thinks it's kind of odd, but takes the job anyway. The days go by and soon the man gets horny. He thinks about taking it out on the tree, but it still seems weird to him, so he goes to his room and jacks off. A week passes and the guy gets hornier and hornier and jacking off isn't enough for him. So finally he figures, 'what the hell,' and sneaks over to the fucking tree in the middle of the night, whips out his dick and puts it in the hole. to his surprise, it feels great. Soon enough he starts to fuck the shit out of it. After a great session he goes back to bed with a big smile. the next day after a hard day of work, he makes another visit to the tree and it's even better this time. Again he pounds away at the tree. He can't believe how amazing the tree is and wonders what kind of magic tree they have. Things just couldn't get better for him. The following day, he runs to the tree after work, hurriedly takes out his dick and puts it into the sweet warm fucking tree. The tree gets better and better everyday. He goes at it again and afterwards he can hardly walk. The next day all he can think about is going back to the fucking tree. Every tree that he cuts down is one less tree in his way of the fucking tree. Finally the day is done and he takes off for the fucking tree. He pulls out his dick, grabs hold of his dick and shoves it in. Nothing. The man is shocked. He tries again, but still nothing. Feeling very frustrated, the man storms off to the foreman. "What's wrong with the fucking tree?" the guy asks. "I've been there three times already and it's been better each time, but today, I ran up to it, stuck my dick in and nothing happened. What the hell happened?" The foreman thought for a second and then said, "oh yeah, didn't they tell you? Today's your day in the tree."

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Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the
department store. "Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom has one," the other replied.
"What's it for?"
"It's a cussing machine," the second boy answered. "Every time she
stands on it she gets really upset, and cusses"
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The other day, I was sitting in a sports bar watching a baseball
game, and the guy sitting next to me leaned over and said, "You know, if
Jesus had played baseball, he would have been the greatest baseball
player ever!"
I thought about it for a second and said to him, "You know, if
Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholic's would have beer and hot
dogs for communion!"
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An Elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their
sexes. She calls the shop, and the clerk advises her to watch them
carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them
doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up
gain, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round
the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male
parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says,
"I see she caught YOU at it, too...."


Sex tips from dumb guys...

A French Tickler has nothing to do with your
girlfriend's French Poodle.

Light sockets and/or bulbs make poor substitutes for
sexual partners.

If she has a foot fetish she'll go wild for sex if you
keep all your toenail clippings in a jar beside the
bed.

Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well with
peanut butter.

Staring at a woman's breasts is a great way to break
the ice and start a conversation. If that doesn't work
right away, make the radio tuning knob gesture with
both hands.

Using condoms while masturbating cuts clean up time in
half.

If a woman has large hands that turn you off, focus
your eyes on something else, like her Adam's apple.
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@

This guy is about to jump off a bridge, when all of a sudden, behind him he hears "Don't jump! Don't jump!" He looks around and there is an ugly-ugly old broad. She says "Don't jump. I am a witch and I can grant you any three wishes you want." He starts to think about money and cars, and says, "What's the catch?" "You have to sleep with me first," says the old broad. He looks at the ugly hag but finally agrees. They go to her place and do the nasty deed! He then says, "For my first wish..." She interrupts him and asks, "How old are you?" He answers, "Forty-two." And she says, "Hmmm... And you still believe in witches?"

Signs that you may need to exorcise your PC
1. Sign of the Beast: That creepy Damian guy in the IT department just
upgraded you to a Pentium-666.

2. Stand Back: When you eject your CD, green pea soup comes flying out
the drive door.

3. Dangerous Game: Names of your MS Hearts opponents mysteriously change
from Pauline, Michele, and Ben to Beelzebub, Lucifer, and Old Scratch.

4. Here's Johnny: You try to print out a spreadsheet, but all you get is
ten pages of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

5. X-Rays Don't Lie: When your laptop goes through airport security, the
machine picks up an outline of a cloven hoof.

6. New Screensaver: Flying pentacles.

7. Possession Is Nine-Tenths of the Law: Your computer monitor swivels a
full 360 degrees every time you walk into the room.

8. Freedom of Speech: Your voice recognition software starts speaking in
tongues.

9. Blair Witch Redux: You find a fresh stack of crossed sticks by your
CPU.

10. Gates of Hell: Your PC runs Windows without an error. A sure sign of
possession.


A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could
identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar
decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several
pieces of wood. First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's
maple." They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood
correctly. He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the
waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.
"Boy," he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell
the other side." So they took they waitress and put her ass near his
nose. He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guy can't
fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!"
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has in training. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning. The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start. The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only half a furlong! He gives the horse an great backhand on the rump. Nothing. He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder. Nothing. He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters. The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Will you stop it with that whip! I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk"!!
FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had
no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the
poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked
on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked
on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever
been f*#ked?"
The fellow said "No."

She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@

Sue came running in tears to her hubby. "You sure gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?" he asked. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'....."

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$igns You're Really Broke... You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. At communion you go back for seconds. And last but not least... You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.