This That And Frog Hair2: 11 Days. WhooHooo

Thursday, December 14, 2006

11 Days. WhooHooo

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An Italian-American Christmas Eve Dinner

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve.

I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.

I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.....I was wrong!

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation.

"I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I told my mother I'd be bringing Karen with me.

"She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.

And that was that.

Two telephone calls. Two "sounds-fine-to-me".

What more could I want?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season -- an Italian woman's reason for living. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for.

I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.

I brought her anyway.

7 p.m. -- we arrive.

Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up.

During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like cheeseburger on the barbecue, determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.

My father is equally observant.

He pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being."

7:30 p.m. - Others arrive.

Zio Giovanni walks in with my sister, Zia Maria, assorted kids, assorted gifts.

We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, anchovies and meat of course.

When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "No Thank you." She points to the anchovies with a look of disgust....

"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.

"I don't like fish, Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of seafood are baking, broiling and simmering in the next room.

My mother makes the sign of the cross.

Things are getting uncomfortable.

Zia Maria asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve.

Karen says, "Knockwurst."

My father, who is still staring in a daze at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?"

My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot.

None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00 p.m. - Second course.

The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table.

Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup.

My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen.

I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face."

"Come on," I tell her.

"It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."

My mother considers the situation, then nods.

As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she says, "are you serious with this tramp?"

"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks." "Well, it's your life," she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30 p.m. - More fish.

My stomach is knotted like one of those macrame plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold.

All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.

"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks. "Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully. "Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops."

More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home.

Zia Maria does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. My Zio Giovanni doesn't know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 pm. - Coffee, dessert.

Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

"This is fun," Karen says.

Time passes and believe it or not, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer -- even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says,

"Get this bitch out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.


You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So--you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

You Might Be Scrooge If....
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
You just might be a Scrooge If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.

You just might be a Scrooge If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
You just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.

You just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.

You just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata.

You just might be a Scrooge If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.

You just might be a Scrooge If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.

You just might be a Scrooge If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.

You just might be a Scrooge If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.

You just might be a Scrooge If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.

You just might be a Scrooge If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.

You just might be a Scrooge If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.

You just might be a Scrooge If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.

You just might be a scrooge If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson.

You just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge If your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog.

You just might be a Scrooge If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

Blonde went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

One of my elderly women neighbors was held up in by a dark allly on her way home from a church bimgo game.She tried to plead with the robber tha she had no money, but he insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around. Not finding any money, he placed his hand in her panties and felt around there. "I told you I haven't got any money." the lady said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . if you explain the kids."
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom. And you, Johnny, can you tell us what you would say?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted..... .

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims,"So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tentand spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him ,and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone. " The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!! "

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing? " "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,"What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day cupcake."
A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him: "Who's the most powerful man in the room?" "That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says. The young woman walks over to Bob and says, "Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you." Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Bob... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever had...!" Bob smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But......... ..... what's in it for me?"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of
the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he
begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I'm doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities. " "Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now",
he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
actually fucking her "Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting "AIDs."

Gary, a traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard and got
shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.
The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three
daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be
In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him,
"How was your night, young man?"
"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never
forget it."
The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact
to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by
keeping his daughters away from trouble.
His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep
at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the
compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned
to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me
fuck you for a million dollars?" After a brief pause, the woman replied
"yes, I suppose I would."
Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind
of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling
over the price!"

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