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Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well?
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door...where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free, lots of it. Helloooo?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise or diet between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position your self near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies, Apple, Pumpkin or Mincemeat. Have a slice of each or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert, Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, you gotta have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly shot and used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOOOOOOOO! What a ride!"
You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When....
Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of
the EZSumo Wrestler application in your
Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your -Boy.
The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12'
You receive a
Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only
A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of
That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering
Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame
You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.
Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle.", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's".
How To Tell If You're A Grinch
Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve
Is gin, vodka and bourbon.
You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve
To keep carolers away.
You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a
Store that also sells gas.
Your idea of Christmas dinner is a
Six pack of beer and a cheese log.
You use your Christmas Club money
To buy wrestling tickets.
Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
You reuse last year's Christmas cards and
Send them out under your own name.
You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor
Display to replenish your own supply.
After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.
You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.
You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of the elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel
the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa
that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally
frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was
nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds
of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom
and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on
top of the Christmas tree.
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students
about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger
to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.
After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a
picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but
Larry's had an odd element in it.
"Larry, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what
is that following the donkey?
"It's the flea, teacher."
"Flea...? Ah...what flea?" asked the teacher.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse:
"Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There's Mary; there's Jesus;
and there's the flea."
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor
of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby
Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went
outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the
figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and
said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?" The little boy
replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" The
boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little
Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas
I would give him a ride around the block in it.
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind
her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the
generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the
change in their behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy..." the grandmother replied with a chuckle...
"This year I didn't sign the checks."
I had already made four trips to the grocery store and I still
forgot the pie filling for the Christmas dinner dessert. I called
my mother, who had a package. She said she'd send Dad over with it
the next day.
When I got home from work, I asked my daughter if Grandpa had
dropped off the pie filling. He had left it on the hall bench, she
It wasn't there.
My husband hadn't seen it.
Just then my 14-year-old son came out of his room and I asked him.
"Oh, yeah...well. ..," he stammered, "I wrapped it. You're not
supposed to see it! It's under my bed."
The note Mom had attached to it said, "Tom, please give this to
your mother for Christmas dinner."
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