Friday funnies

A cajun was stopped by a game warden in Louisiana recently with two ice
chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of dem dere licenses, no. You must
understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take dese here fish down to da lake and let dem swim
'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back into dis here
ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.
The cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "Dat's
the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"
The cajun poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the cajun.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The cajun said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the cajun.
We in Louisiana may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
aren't as dumb as most government employees.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people
not smart enough to know they were impossible."
-Doug Larson-
*~*~*~*~*~*

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD.....
I HAVE FOUND AT MY AGE GOING BRA-LESS PULLS ALL THE WRINKLES OUT OF MY FACE.
STATISTICS SHOW THAT AT THE AGE OF SEVENTY, THERE ARE FIVE WOMEN TO EVERY MAN. ISN'T THAT AN IRONIC TIME FOR A GUY TO GET THOSE ODDS?
MIDDLE AGE IS WHEN IT TAKES LONGER TO REST THAN TO GET TIRED.
BY THE TIME A MAN IS WISE ENOUGH TO WATCH HIS STEP, HE'S TOO OLD TO GO ANYWHERE.
MIDDLE AGE IS WHEN YOU HAVE STOPPED GROWING AT BOTH ENDS, AND HAVE BEGUN TO GROW IN THE MIDDLE.
A MAN HAS REACHED MIDDLE AGE WHEN HE IS CAUTIONED TO SLOW DOWN BY HIS DOCTOR INSTEAD OF BY THE POLICE.
MIDDLE AGE IS HAVING A CHOICE OF TWO TEMPTATIONS AND CHOOSING THE ONE THAT WILL GET YOU HOME EARLIER.
YOU KNOW YOUR INTO MIDDLE AGE WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT CAUTION IS THE ONLY THING YOU CARE TO EXERCISE.
AT MY AGE, "GETTING A LITTLE ACTION" MEANS I DON'T NEED TO TAKE A LAXATIVE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT AVOIDING TEMPTATION. AS YOU GROW OLDER, IT WILL AVOID YOU.
THE AGING PROCESS COULD BE SLOWED DOWN IF IT HAD TO WORK ITS WAY THROUGH CONGRESS.
YOUR GETTING OLD WHEN YOUR SPOUSE GIVES UP SEX FOR LENT, AND YOU DONT KNOW TILL THE 4TH OF JULY.
THE CARDIOLOGIST'S DIET: IF IT TASTES GOOD, SPIT IT OUT.
DOCTOR TO PATIENT: I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS -- THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE NOT A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
IT'S HARD TO BE NOSTALGIC WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT: BEING OF SOUND MIND, I SPENT ALL MY MONEY.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Count Dracula is out on the pull in Dublin.
He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on
unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading home, walking along Grafton
Street, sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the
head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small
sausage roll. Mmmmmm, he thinks, what's going on here? A few yards
further and.... Bang. Smacked on the head again! He whirls round as
quick as he can. Nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small
triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd! A few yards further
along the street and... crash! Smacked on the back of the head again! He
whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing. He's getting really angry now.
Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.
He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a
few yards further on when he gets a sudden tap on the shoulder. With a
swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He
feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his
chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk
of cheese and a pickle. On the ground, dying, he looks up and sees a
young female. With his dying breath, he gasps: "Who the fuck are you?"
The girl smiles: "My name is Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"


I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old.
When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law and
gruffly said, "We're putting on your PJs, brushing
your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights
out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace,
and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about
little boys and girls who don't have mommies and
daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she
was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin
to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered,
"Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Qand A

Q: What's the name of the new Catholic sperm bank?
A: "Kingdom Come."

Q: How is a bikini like a barbed-wire fence?
A: It protects the property without obstructing the
view.

Q: How did they know Jesus was Jewish?
A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he
went into his father's business, his mother thought
he was god -- and he thought his mother was a
virgin.

Q- What if mini-skirts got any shorter?
A- Well, there'll be two more cheeks to powder and much more hair to
comb.

Q- What do you call 2 Irish gays??
A- Ben Dover and Phil McAvity.

Q- How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
A- The kid stutters.

Q: Why are men like the letter Q?
A: Because it is a big fat zero with a small
protrusion.

Q: What do you call a coke bottle full of bees?
A: A West Virginia Vibrator

Q; What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the
inner city?
A: In the end, the hero gets the heroin.

Q: Why did the homosexual suspect his live-in lover
had been cheating on him?
A: Because he came home shit-faced.

Q. Did you hear about the faggot undertaker?
A. He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!

Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!

Yo momma's so fat when God said let there be light, he told her to move
her ass over.

Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room
starts spinning.

Q: What is the definition of a bachelor?
A: It's some guy who's depriving some woman of her
God-given right to alimony.

Q. What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man? A. They go
forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!



While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day
of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that
he never asked her to go along. After several hours
of argument the wife won.
That next morning they drove out to the country,
and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from
his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he
heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her
gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer!
Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just
nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer.
Just let me get my saddle off of it!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two elderly men used to go to the park every morning, drink their coffee
and read the paper together. One day Sam says to his friend Joe, "If one of
us should die, we need to promise to come back and tell the other how it is
in heaven." Several months later, Sam passes away suddenly. Joe continues
to go to the park every morning, but it's just not the same. One morning, he
hears a sound coming from behind a tree. "Sam," he hears in a whisper, "Is
that you?" " Yeh, it's me" "Remember I promised to come back and tell you how
it is over here." "Well, in short, it's 'Heaven'" "I wake up every morning,
have a fabulous vegetarian breakfast, make love all morning, have a
lovely lunch, make love all afternoon, have a wonderful vegetarian dinner, and
go to sleep." WOW, Joe responds. "Is that what heaven is really like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven , Joe" "I'm a bull in Montana"
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@
Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey. They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by. A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio. The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one." "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers. A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each others eyes. The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover." "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers. A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering hershapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on. The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon."