Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Phone Number Magic Trick

1. Grab a calculator (You won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

crazy huh???

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising
in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed
in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man
pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid
loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of
the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of
the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening
the store!"

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
OHNOSECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

A while ago, I went skiing. I got on this chairlift with this guy I
didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then
he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone
skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?"
He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really.
Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a
Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."

"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."
I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around
with a flyswatter. When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered,
"Yeah, 3 males and 2 females." Curious, I inquired as to how he could
tell the difference. He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone."

"To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer." "If it
weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. "

When picking out a pet, keep in mind that to a dog, you're family; to a
cat, you're staff.

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


- "Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded
metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing
shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

- "Don't you prefer dropping bar soap instead of that liquid crap?"

- "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head."

- "Wanna make license plates after dark?"

- "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed
knife wound."

- "You look even better in person than you did on America's Most Wanted."

- "If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life."

- "You're getting your GED... wow, that makes me so H O T !!"

- "Is your name 'Escape Tunnel?' Because I've been digging you all night."


Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in
rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must be able to keep a secret.

Mormon male looking for one or more females for a long-term
relationship. Must have childbearing hips and be willing to give birth
to at least four children. Catholics need not apply.

Single, unemployed female with several children out of wedlock is
looking for a sugar daddy to support my children and me. Skills include
nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear plugs included. No experience

Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6
feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't apply.

Single, white, affluent male starting a savage cult; orders submissive,
obedient followers to worship and praise my every move. No shirt, no
shoes, no service.

Ready? OK! Collegiate cheerleader looking for quarterback to bring his
helmet, pads, and offensive line to bed. First and ten! Do it again!

Tall Hispanic lesbian looking for a vertically challenged person to
spend evenings clipping my toenails and picking them out of the carpet.

Do you have six toes or another pedal anomaly? If so, I want you! Other
deformities- -however attractive-- need not apply.

Greedy, money-hungry, single white female looking for obscenely rich
older man (preferably on his death bed) to spend time and money with.
Would like to wiggle my way into the will and be the sole beneficiary.
Call before time runs out.

Mama's boy, dependent on parents for income, is looking for a female who
is family-oriented and wouldn't mind having my mom chaperone. No dog
lovers please.

Charlie B. ISO Lucy. Me: self-esteem issues and bad sweaters. You:
rapier wit and a complete disregard for my ego. Big head optional.

Playmate wanted. SWM with large stuffed animal collection ISO female
furvert for meaningful relationship with me and my plush toys.

Albino male seeking dark-skinned woman who will take me to movies and
hand-feed me popcorn. Must love to stay inside with the blinds closed to
keep out sunlight, and dread mornings.

Alcoholic female craves man to keep her knee-deep in liquor. Your own
still a plus.

Gay sunless tanning addict seeks dark and crispy partner to share
tanning bed. Bring your own goggles and we'll order in!

Obedient male seeks female dog-lover for long walks, playing fetch, and
cuddling on the couch. You bring the spiky collar; I've got the kibble.

Middle-aged heir seeks suitable female for companionship, possible LTR.
Family approval required unless mother takes her final bow before we

Male bwana hunts big-game guy. You bring the fur coat; I'll bring the
rifle. No animal-rights activists or vegetarians.

Christmas Rules For Dogs

1. Be especially patient with your humans during
this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out
than usual and they will appreciate long comforting
dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things
they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts
are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on
you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure
out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and
set it up in a prominent place and cover it with
lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to
you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so
there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones
that smell interesting or that have your name on
them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the
funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of
strangers to come visit during this season. These
parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for
some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on
your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses left within your reach
unless you can get away with it...

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting.
Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be
in other people's houses. (4a is particularly
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may
live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud
laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle
of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

If you do not know, see answer below.

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

I was showing my wife the high number of hits on my Web page and some of
the "fan" letters I'd received containing compliments.

She took it all in and then said, "Just remember -- the very same people
who praised Jesus also crucified Him."

The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran
outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out
of his smoldering building.

His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing

"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that
prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One
of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up
once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley
Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television.. ."
The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on
his small holding. He preferred to have his
draft horses pull this plow and wagons.
Unfortunately, a group of small birds
insisted in forming nests in the horses
manes, which prevented him from hitching
the reins properly.

The farmer tried every method he could
think of to get rid of the pesky birds. He
tried lotions, potions, and notions. He kept
the stable colder, he kept it warmer. He
went to horse doctors, he went to bird
specialists. He called his congressman,
he called the Dept. of Agriculture. He
trimmed the manes as much as he could.
He tried loud noises, cat noises, classical
music. Nothing would induce the birds to
leave his horses alone.

In desperation, he went to an Indian medicine
man from a nearby reservation. The medicine
man, listening to his story, gave him some vile
smelling yeast extract to rub into the manes.

Amazingly, it worked. Within two days, the birds
had all fled and the horses were back to work.

The farmer was pleased with this outcome, but
puzzled with the methodology. He went back to
the medicine man and inquired about how a
simple extract of yeast was able to solve a
problem that many veterinarians and the
Department of Agriculture couldn't.

The medicine man replied, "Simple. Yeast is
yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane
shall tweet."

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