Sunday Funnies

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute
between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news,
Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in
Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States.
We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell
them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of them Canadian winters!"
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WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one
morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which
part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands
together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now,
Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's
bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted.


Little Johnny had a cussing problem & his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
2 days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up & rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs & saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled & asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
"Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch! "
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!" "Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical
man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live,
wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and
sank to the bottom. The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my
friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to
tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd
like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says
"OK, how much money dae ye have?" The old woman replies "£5" to which
the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and
we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it
over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid" He
feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old
woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a
few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then
reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
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A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they
were looking for an experienced Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny
little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the
manager's door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and
told him to leave.
"My name is Morris, I am 72, just
give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the manager. "Take your
axe and go cut it down."
Old skinny Morris headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back
knocking on the manager's door. ..."So I cut the tree down already,"
said the Morris.
The lumberjack manager couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did
you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied old Morris.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
Morris laughed and answered back... "Oh sure, that's what they call it
now!"
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A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace
before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of
that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what
does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids -- it's
three dollars a pound!'"

Click on this pic

A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to town. As
he was going down the road three Hillbillies were standing beside the
road hitchhiking. The farmer picked them up, one Hillbilly got in the
front and the other two Hillbillies got in the back. As they were going
over the hill the brakes went out on the truck.
The farmer couldn't stop the truck and they went into the pond
at the bottom. The farmer and the Hillbilly that were up front come up
out of the water a minute later. They kept waiting for the two in the
back to come up. The farmer said, "I wonder where they are?"
The Hillbilly said, "Maybe they drowned."
About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The
farmer asked, "What the Hell took you so long?"
The two Hillbillies said, "We had a devil of a time getting that
damn tailgate open!"
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Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What
a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're
wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They
asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what
that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't
know. I don't live around here."


REDNECK MAMA
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma, sighs having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all b oys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
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Dear Mr. Collector;
I have received your super heated letter in regards to the bill I owe
you. You said the bill should have been paid a long time ago, and you
don't understand why it hasn't been. Well, I will enlighten you. In
1999, I bought a sawmill on credit. I bought an oxen_team, a timber
cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine toaster, a colt revolver, and four
razorback hogs all on credit.

In 2000, the sawmill burned down and didn't leave a damn thing. One of
my ponies died and the other one I loaned to an illiterate moron who
starved him to death. In 2001, my father died and my mother was hung for
horse stealing. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to
pay the bill of 88.00 to keep the little bastard from becoming a
relative of mine. In 2002, my son got the mumps, they went down on him
and the doctor had to castrate him to save his life.

That summer, I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the
biggest damn catfish you've ever seen. One of my sons drowned but not
the one that was castrated. My wife ran away with some heavy hung Texan
and left me with 3 small children as a souvenir. I married the hired
girl to cut down on my income tax and expenses. I had trouble getting
her to reach a climax. The doctor said to try creating some excitement
just as she was beginning to come. That night, I took my shotgun to bed
with me and just as she was beginning to come I pointed out the window
and pulled the trigger. Well I ruptured myself, shot the best damn cow I
ever owned and my wife shit all over the bed.

Then I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was my
pocket watch and kidney trouble. After that, all I did was wind my watch
and piss. Things really got worse then. My wife caught the clap from the
milkman and my son wiped his ass on a corn cob with rat poison and some
one shot the nuts off my best bull.

Then I decided to go into business for myself. I ordered six bee hives
from sears roebuck. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on
credit.The queen bee died so I ordered another one. She turned out to be
a whore and started to run around with a horse fly.The honey started to
taste like shit and I couldn't see it. So then, Mr. Collector, you say
If I don't pay, you will cause me trouble. Right now, if it cost two
cents to take a shit I would have to puke. Getting money out of me would
be like trying to poke butter up a wildcats ass with a hot poker. But
you are welcome to try.

Signed,
Joe


A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with
a elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved elf asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
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A flat-chested girl with limited funds went to a surgeon to get her breasts
enlarged. The surgeon performed the cheapest procedure possible, which
entailed the girl flapping her arms up and down to enlarge her breasts.
Afterward, the girl went to the local bar to see what kind of reaction her
new tits would get. She decided to flash them at a man who was standing
alone in the corner.
As she walked toward him, she pumped her tits as big as they'd go. "Hi," she
said coyly, "don't I know you?"
"No," he answered, furiously pumping his legs together, "but I think we have
the same doctor."
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There was a boy in the local high school who was what is considered to be a
nerd. He had his own lab in the basement of their home.
One night he came up and said, "Dad look what I made." He poured a flask of
fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was quite impressed by this. He asked his son if he can
develop a chemical formula to make his penis grow longer and larger.
His son thought for a minute and said, "If I do, then you have to buy me a
convertible. " Dad agreed.
The next night his son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial.
The father was told to drink it.
The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something
to show him.
They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari. The son
looked at Dad and said, "I only asked for a convertible! "
Dad replied, "Your convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your
mother."