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This That And Frog Hair2: Friday Follies Happy December

Friday, December 01, 2006

Friday Follies Happy December

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What did Teddy have against Christmas trees?
Theodore Roosevelt, a staunch conservationist, banned Christmas trees in his home, even when he lived in the White House. His children, however, smuggled them into their bedrooms.


A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw
walking along he road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking on the
side of the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud,
satisfying "THUMP!". Then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was going along he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled his truck
over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck continued
down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the
road. Instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered
there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he
swerved away, narrowly missing the lawyer.
Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"THUD!!". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Some things to ponder

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his
team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to
like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD
LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden
Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to
cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
are probably dead.


Blond Agenda
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours .....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ...
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn' t find a lake with a
slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....
learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn' t it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days -- instructions said
1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 ....."duh".. ...
there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!

What A Year!!
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
During the rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and you want me to promise to "love, honor and obey" and
"forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if
you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.
Day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to the main
event, when it comes time for the groom's vows the pastor looks the
young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself
before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed
every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your
lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long
as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in
a tiny voice, "yes."
And then the groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we
had a deal." The pastor put his $100 into his hand and whispered back:
"She made me a much better offer."


Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide soon?
It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar
Ray Leonard.
They are calling it......
"Coffee with Kareem and Sugar."
~~~~~~
Several American nurses were receiving specialized training at a
hospital in Liverpool, England. These nurses had little money for meals,
so they ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. Sometimes
kindly visitors would give them some of the treats they had brought for
patients who had not wanted to eat them.
One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to one of the
nurses,
"Would you eat this up, love?" So she and another American studentnurse
devoured every delicious crumb!
Soon the woman returned, however, and asked.....
"Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
~~~~
A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing
convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned
a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an
extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her
eyes.
"I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"


Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before
washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several
times.
That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked,
"Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing me.
"Do I smell like Popeye?"
~~~
Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all
over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a
clean bill of health.
"Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a
magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor.
"Who asked you to make me younger, already?" says Sam. "You just make
sure I get older!"

~~~~~

Two men were talking about the secret of a long and happy marriage.
"Our marriage" said one "is built on trust and understanding. "
"My wife doesn't trust me and I don't understand her."


I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning
when the loud-speaker announced:
"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Knock off all
unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine,
was confirmed with this announcement:
"Resume all unnecessary work."



The day of my mammogram, I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in
the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable
that before long, I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the
man, "So...what are you here for?" Talk about a showstopper. Dead
silence just as Nurse "Ratchet" announced my name in her best baritone
voice. I arose from my seat and hurried after the angel of no mercy.
Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side
and crooned, "Allll I need you to do is step into this room right
heeeeere, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything
clearrrr?" (I'm thinking, Belinda...try decaf. This isn't rocket
science.)

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me
crazy,but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly
healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds.
Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's
Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch
piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side
finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm.
Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
everything?" "Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of
air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when
we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness. "What?" I yelled. "Oh,
maintenance is working on something. Bet they hit a snag," Belinda
said as she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving are
you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy
puppy....the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.
I'll be righttttt backkkk." Before I could shout "NO" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire,
found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life.
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was
off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible, "Uh, yes...yes we did, thanks." "You bet, take care," Bubba
replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing in the line at
the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo
sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly
me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps...

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