White Trash Wednesday Begins
Once again, the happy holidays are upon us. We have so many things to appreciate. Ernie got a promotion to French fry specialist at the fast-food joint, so we were able to purchase two more buckets at the flea market. We now have enough for all the holes in the leaking roof. We've actually collected so much water that we can flush the toilets everyday.
The Feds found this years marijuana crop before we could harvest it all, but we should make it through the winter with the profits from the still. Jimmy got out on good behavior just in time for Christmas and the birth of his fifth child. Fortunately, all four mothers have stopped fighting over him. Junior ran off again, and it gets harder and harder for the sheriff to look for him. Just because he is 35, doesn't mean he can take care of himself.
I hope that the holidays find you whole and happy. I don't understand why the family reunion announcements again didn't reach us until after the event.
---Bertha Mae, Bob, Jimmy, Junior and all the Grandkids
The pastor had launched into one of his "Best Ever" messages.
He was about half done, at the 45-minute mark and just getting to the
"good part," when a member of his congregation died.
Rushing to his office, he dialed 911.
When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics carried out
51 people before they finally got one who didn't wake up
when they got him to fresh air.
Three women are discussing sex and birth control.
The first woman says, 'We're Catholic, so we can't use it.' The second woman says, `I'm also Catholic, but we use the rhythm method.' The third woman says, `We use the bucket-and-saucer method.' Fascinated, the other women ask for an explanation.
"Well, I'm 5' 10" and my husband is 5' 5"," the third woman says.
'We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes
get as big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him.'
A father asks his ten-year old son if he knows about the birds
and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. Oh dad," he sobbed, "at the age of six I got the 'there's no Santa'
speech. At seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at
8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're
going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got
nothing left to live for!"
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her. "What's this for?" she asked. "It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny." A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage."Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone." "I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
A blonde was speeding in a red Ferrari doing 90 miles an hour. A police officer saw her and pulled her over. As he was walking up to the car he notices that she is a beautiful voluptuous blonde bombshell with really sexy clothes on. He asked the blonde for her driver license, registration and insurance card. The blonde was very confused and asked the officer , "Why Officer? Did I do something wrong?" He said, "Yes mam, you were driving way over the speed limit." He again asked for her credentials. She scratched her forehead and asked the officer exactly what does a driver license look like? By now the officer is thinking "Gee, this girl is beautiful & sexy but dumb as dirt. He tells her that it has a picture of herself and it is probably in her purse. The blonde finds it, again he asks for her insurance and registration cards. Confused, she asks "What do they look like?" He tells her to look in her glove box and there they were. He walks back to the car to call in the tag number. The dispatcher asks the police officer if the woman driving is a beautiful blonde sexy bombshell "but" dumb as dirt? The officer says, "Yes! It is her!" The dispatcher tells the officer to trust him and to go back to the blonde and drop his pants! The officer says no way! Again the dispatcher says "TRUST ME" go back to the car and "DROP YOUR PANTS!" Finally the cop agrees, he walks back to the car and drops his pants. The beautiful dumb blonde looks over and says, "Oh No- Not "ANOTHER " breathalyzer. "
The Ibo tribe of Nigeria had three punishments for adulterous couples,
each increasingly ghastly. The least harsh involved tying the couple up,
putting a stake through the man into the woman, and carrying them off to
a pool filled with loathsome reptiles.
Queen Anne had a transvestite cousin, Lord Cornbury, whom she assigned
to be governor of New York and New Jersey. The colonists were not
In 1964, a jury awarded $50,000 to a woman who claimed a cable car
accident in San Francisco had made her into a nymphomaniac.
One expert says that in New Guinea, women are only attracted to men who
have an ampalang.
The young males of Sambia in New Guinea must perform a ritualized
homosexual act with tribe elders until they reach adulthood. When they
get older, they have sex with women, during which they hold their noses
with clothespin like devices.
A favorite hangout for prostitutes in 17th century London was St. John's
Park. Even though the gates were locked at 10 p.m., 6,500 people had
authorized keys (many unauthorized keys were also in circulation. At the
time, London had about 50,000 prostitutes.
Some Romanian villagers sing a song that accompanies a traditional goat
dance. The lyrics to the song are so sexually suggestive that Cable News
Network refuses to translate them.
According to Blitz Magazine in Bombay, India, 28 year old Nagaba
Jugalgiri pulled a car with his penis in front of Mahalakshmi Temple in
protest of India's 1989 oil crisis.
Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they
would reduce masturbation.
In 1746, a special hospital for the treatment of venereal diseases known
as a "lock hospital" was opened on Harrow Road in London. In medieval
times, lock hospitals only housed lepers.
According The Solitary Vice, a book for doctors that came out in the
1890s, women who masturbate tend to eat a lot of foods containing
mustard and vinegar.
Cleopatra had stones inserted in her vagina to prevent her from getting
One punishment for an adulterous wife in medieval France was to make her
chase a chicken through town naked.
Simone de Beauvoir had her first orgasm thanks to Nelson Algren.
As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was rejected if
it was discovered that he masturbated.
According to a couple of recent biographies, Lord Baden-Powell, founder
of the Boy Scouts, was a repressed homosexual who was obsessed with
looking at photos of naked young boys.
An American urologist once bought Napoleon's penis for $40,000.
Women were discouraged from having orgasms during the Middle Ages
because it was thought that orgasms made women less capable of getting
Francis I of France once said, "Anyone who doesn't have a mistress is a
Catherine of Medici, the Italian wife of Henry II of France, organized
prostitution as an important arm of diplomacy, and employed her maids of
honor to achieve her ends
Modern France ended state regulated prostitution in 1946. The movement
was led by Marthe Richard, who later changed her opinion.
At the beginning of the 16th century, Rome had more registered
prostitutes proportionately, than Venice. Rome, which had 6,800 out of
total population of 90,000 versus Venice, which had 11,654 out of
Removing pubic hair was a fashionable sexual practice among European
women in the 16th century.
Charlemagne thought prostitution should be punishable by death in some
The missionary position was the favorite sexual position of both modern
Europeans and ancient Romans.
Cleopatra made her diaphragm from camel dung.
The modern IUD was invented in 1909.
Young was the first condom manufacturer to advertise in a major American
magazine--it was the June 1969 issue of Sport magazine and the ad was
against VD. Ironically Playboy refused to accept Young's add until 1972.
Doug and Tammy decided to take a vacation and travel
across the country and visit little known rural areas,
staying in off the beaten track motels.
They stopped their first night at a motel that must
have been at least 100 years old, and one that hadn't
had any renovations done since day one. They were
preparing themselves for bed and Doug decided to have
one last cigarette before getting in to bed, so he
left the room to go outside and have his smoke.
When Doug returned to the room, he actually started
feeling quite romantic, so he carefully opened the
door and said, "Honey? Honey?.
There was no response.
He tried again, "Honey? Hey, honey!" a bit louder this time.
Still no reply.
Finally a male voice from the blackness in front of
him said, "This ain't no beehive you damn fool, this
here's the bathroom."
A man goes into the employment office in Los Angeles, there aren't many jobs so it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something. "Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 a day guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses." Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46." "Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. "You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathing suits, and before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels." "I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Las Vegas." "Las Vegas? What do I wanna go to Vegas for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"
There was this man who had a 12" penis and could not find a woman who
could handle all of it. He ended up getting pretty frustrated, so he
decided to go to a whorehouse. Once inside he told the Madam, "I have an
extremely large penis, and I need a girl who can take it all."
The Madam tells him it won't be a problem, and to go upstairs and she
would send him the perfect girl. So, he went upstairs and got ready.
This wonderfully beautiful exotic woman came inside.
They started to have sex and he gave her 8 inches. She started to say,
"More cocky, more cocky." So, he gave her 2 more inches. She raised her
voice a little and started to yell, "More cocky, more cocky." So, he
decided to give it all to her. At this point she was screaming, "MORE
COCKY, MORE COCKY, MORE COCKY!!!!"
They got done and he went downstairs, looking frustrated.
The Madam asked him what was wrong. He told her, "Well, I gave her some,
and she kept asking for more and more. I gave her all I had and she did
not seem satisfied."
The Madam asked, "What gives you that impression?"
He said, "Well, she kept saying, MORE COCKY."
The Madam got a horrible look on her face and said, "Oh, no! In her
language that means "WRONG HOLE"!"
MY DAUGHTERS and I had just moved into Building D in a large apartment
complex. Soon afterward, we gave a "ladies only" lingerie-sales party
for my daughters' friends. The party was well under way when there was a
knock at the door. The young man standing there got a glimpse of
attractive young women modeling bikinis and nightgowns, and his eyes
widened. "A friend told me there might be a rental in Building G," he
stammered. I told him he had the wrong address and gave him directions.
A minute later I heard a tentative knock. It was the same young man.
"Are there any vacancies in this building?" he asked.
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending
a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect,
decided to check out the brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man
stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a
brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes,
sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what
cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. So he
handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive
blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then
gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner,
"but according to union rules, Esther here has
@ >~~,~~'~~ ~~`~,~~~<@
During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him. When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all. When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding. "At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. She will answer, 'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honor.' She will respond, 'I honor your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honor and offer All night."