"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first,
the lesson afterward."
TOP TEN REASONS WHY LIBERALS HATE THE HOLIDAYS
It's that time of year again, so I thought I would send this for some holiday humor.
10 - Thanksgiving is mass murder for turkeys.
9 - Too many SUVs traveling to grandma's house.
8 - College bowl games encourage competition.
7 - Millions of Christmas trees are cut down.
6 - The pilgrims thought up Thanksgiving, not the Indians.
5 - Christmas lights waste electricity.
4 - People are giving thanks to WHO?
3 - Winter lull in global-warming hype.
2 - Daycare centers are closed.
#1 - CHRISTMAS CELEBRATES A BIRTH,
NOT AN ABORTION!
A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately
she did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a
group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that
they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to
administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have
an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets.
He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.
He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He
and the young lady were to wed in a month. The witch told him,
"Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven. And pills buried
say it best."
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see
her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must
also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money
and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a
little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to
the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The
baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that
she was going to bark."
The Top Uses for Leftover Pumpkins
8. "Nice 7-10 split, Larry. Hey, where'd you get the nifty orange
7. Lob them at the homes of people who handed out nickels instead
of candy on Halloween.
6. Go into a movie theater balcony, make retching sounds and dump
pumpkin guts over the edge.
5. Combined with leftover Independence Day fireworks, takes the
effort out of mashing pumpkin for pies.
4. Pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin stew, pumpkin filets, PLT sandwiches
-- you kids are the ones who wanted that 75-pound jack-o-lantern,
so shut up and eat!
3. A pumpkin that has been fermenting behind the water heater for
five months all but guarantees Junior first prize in the spring
2. Slap a pilgrim hat on the jack-o-lantern, and voila! You're
decorated for Thanksgiving. (Note to self: Find a Santa hat.)
... and the #1 Use for Leftover Pumpkins ...
1. Flaming bag of poo is *so* played out. Now, flaming "punkin of
poo" -- that just screams class and originality!
A cajun was stopped by a game warden in Louisiana recently with two ice
chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of dem dere licenses, no. You must
understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take dese here fish down to da lake and let dem swim
'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back into dis here
ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.
The cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "Dat's
the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"
The cajun poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the cajun.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The cajun said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the cajun.
We in Louisiana may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
aren't as dumb as most government employees.
HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY
STEP 1: GO BUY A TURKEY
STEP 2: TAKE A DRINK OF WHISKEY (SCOTCH)
STEP 3: PUT TURKEY IN THE OVEN
STEP 4: TAKE ANOTHER 2 DRINKS OF WHISKEY
STEP 5: SET THE DEGREE AT 375 OVENS
STEP 6: TAKE 3 MORE WHISKEYS OF DRINK
STEP 7: TURN OVEN THE ON
STEP 8: TAKE 4 WHISKS OF DRINKY
STEP 9: TURK THE BASTEY
STEP 10: WHISKEY ANOTHER BOTTLE OF GET
STEP 11: STICK A TURKEY IN THE THERMOMETER
STEP 12: GLASS YOURSELF A POUR OF WHISKEY
STEP 13: BAKE THE WHISKEY FOR HOURS
STEP 14: TEST THE LURKEY FOR NUMBNESS
STEP 15: TAKE THE OVEN OUT OF THE LURKEY
STEP 16: FLOOR THE LURKEY UP OFF OF THE PICK
STEP 17: TURK THE CARVEY
STEP 18: GET YOURSELF NUTHER SCOTTLE OF BOTCH
STEP 19: TET THE SABLE AND POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF TURKEY
STEP 20: BLESS THE SAYING, PASS AND EAT OUT=2
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Kentucky. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
For those of you who are coming to our place for Thanksgiving dinner- Martha Stewart ain't gonna be here! I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hot line. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a. m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen Turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it. Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this year. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are
you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca...
we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's. ..awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE OLD BEFORE YOUR TIME
YOU REFER TO PEOPLE YOUR OWN AGE AS 'KIDS TODAY'
YOU HAVE MORE HAIR ON YOUR BACK THAN ON YOUR HEAD
YOU BEGIN STORIES WITH THE EXPRESSION ' IN MY DAY...'
YOU HAVE TO TAKE NAPS
YOU DON'T THINK THE ROLLING STONES ARE THAT OLD...
YOU HAVE TO TAKE SO MUCH MEDICATION THAT YOU'RE ON A FIRST-NAME BASIS WITH ALL THE PHARMACY CLERKS
YOUR JOINTS CRACK SO LOUDLY WHEN YOU GET OUT OF BED THAT FRANCE SURRENDERED
PEOPLE YOUR OWN AGE CALL YOU ' SIR ' AND GIVE YOU THEIR SEAT ON THE BUS
Researchers say they’ve discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes... Must be a rubber tree.
5 signs you might be a hillbilly
5. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
4. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
3. The Salvation Army declined your mattress.
2. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
1. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
THE NATIONAL POETRY CONTEST HAD COME DOWN TO TWO, A YALE GRADUATE AND A REDNECK FROM ALABAMA. THEY WERE GIVEN A WORD, THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO STUDY THE WORD AND COME UP WITH A POEM THAT CONTAINED THE WORD THE WORD THEY WERE GIVEN WAS.. TIMBUKTU.
FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE.
HE STEPPED TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAID, "SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND, TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN. MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO, DESTINATION TIMBUKTU." THE CROWD WENT CRAZY! NO WAY COULD THE REDNECK TOP THAT, THEY THOUGHT AS THE REDNECK CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE AND RECITED,
"ME AND TIM, A' HUNTIN' WE WENT. MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT. THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO. SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU." THE REDNECK WON HANDS DOWN
Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem
with her aviaries. The doctor said, "Frannie, you're
being silly. You mean ovaries. Aviaries are where you
find birds."Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*.
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on
the couch for an inspection. After a quick look, he
said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a
cockatoo in there."
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams."Knock it off. You're going to break something." Hestops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like.
Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Cutting out all the states, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today." After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together."
People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within.