"Your children need your presence more than your presents."
Rev. Jesse Jackson
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no
fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one
word each year. However, he could save up the words
so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the
following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This
was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden
hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the
greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking
for two whole years so that he could look at her and
say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he
wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this
he waited three more years without speaking (bringing
the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he
had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER
four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew
no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most
secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal
garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her
lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said
huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind
a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and
parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"
I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when
the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I
were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the
questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak. The nurse patted my
hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed,
and it's not a dangerous procedure." "You're right. I'm being silly," I
said, "Please continue." "Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you
have a living will?"
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their
union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to
reconcile,the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up. The judge
asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at,
where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband
says, "We haven't been able to agree on anything in the six weeks we've been
together!" "Seven weeks," says the wife.
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him
that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next
evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on
every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only
political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the
TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he
still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The
owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have
political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV
repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After
looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the
antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had
found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the
windmill and grounded to the MANURE spreader!!
I work as a manager in a bank. Last week one of our teller's,
Cindy, was subjected to an armed robbery while I was at lunch.
Upon returning from lunch I was quickly informed of the robbery.
Apparently, a man walked up to Cindy and put a $20 bill on the counter
and asked for $20 worth of quarters. When she opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
her for all the cash in the register. To this request she quickly
complied, and then the man fled, leaving his $20 bill on the counter.
After hearing the details of the story, and while staring at the
man's $20 bill still sitting on the counter, I asked, "So, how much cash
did he steal from your drawer?"
"Twelve dollars," she replied.
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hospital:
If you are obsessive-compulsiv e, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to
press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and
what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
forwarded to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with
the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y
& c-a-r-e-f-u- l-l-y press 0-0-0.
If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after
the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons,
you'll just mess it up.
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium
for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader
says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that
blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde
gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up
to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000
blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her
another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone
to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we
have the world-wide press and global broadcast media
here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets
out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde
starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave
their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm
than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more
chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all
80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp
their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a
new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the
best heart available, money is no object.
A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found
three hearts but they are all expensive.
The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him
to tell him about the donors they came from.
'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never
smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he
was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs
The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to
tell him about the second donor.
'This one belonged to a 16 year old long- distance swimmer, high school
kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the
pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of
cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a
fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'
'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh
day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward
through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to
call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example,
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is
going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot," God
continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land
mass with oceans as it borders and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "that's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from
Florida are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!
Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call
Florida!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending
down from the North every winter!"
Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he
gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another
gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be
open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a
slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to
the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit,
where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he
will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever
finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm
that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm
looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"
My friend Agnes is an accomplished harpist who frequently plays for
weddings, receptions, parties, and other such events. She is also blonde
and has an appropriately cherubic face.
She was on her way to an engagement at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, and
she stepped into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before the
doors closed, a distinguished gray-haired man stepped on. As the
elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her and then her harp and
asked, "And just how far up are you going?"
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his
pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had
enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very
busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private
schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going
nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith,
asked him to drop by. "So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit
anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he
said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours
are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said,
"but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should
have a middle name!"
Bob took his 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night". As they were eating hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"He responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat. His son was quiet for a couple of minutes and obviously in deep thought.
Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!"
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"