Friday Funnies

Try not to become a man of success
but rather try to become a man of value."
-Albert Einstein-



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Muslim TV guide

Sunday
7:30 -- My 33 Sons
8:00 -- Osama Knows Best
8:30 -- Let's Mecca Deal
9:00 -- I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 -- The Kabul Hillbillies
10:00 -- Survivor - Fallujah

Monday
7:00 -- Husseinfeld
7:30 -- Mad About Everything
8:00 -- Allah McBeal
8:30 -- Win Bin Laden's Money
9:00 -- My Name is Al-Earl
10:00 -- I.E.D. - Baghdad

Tuesday
7:30 -- Wheel of Terror
8:00 -- The Price Is Right If Osama Says It's Right
8:30 -- Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
9:00 -- Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
9:30 -- Buffy, The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
10:00 -- Lawless & Disorder - Terrorist Intent

Wednesday
7:00 -- The Terrorist Apprentice - Zarqawi
7:30 -- Beat The Press
8:00 -- When Kurds Attack
8:30 -- Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:00 -- Just Shoot Everyone
9:30 -- Veilwatch
10:00 -- Desperate Harem Wives

Thursday
7:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
7:30 -- M*U*S*T*A*S*H
8:00 -- Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
8:30 -- Married With 139 Children
9:00 -- Eye For An Eye Witness News
9:30 -- Two & a Half Blown up Men
10:00 -- Without a Trace of WMD

Friday
7:00 -- Judge Saddam
7:30 -- Suddenly Sanctions
8:00 -- Who Wants To Marry A Terrorist Millionaire
8:30 -- Cave And Garden Television
9:00 -- No Witness Left Alive News
9:30 -- Extreme Makeover - Terrorist Hideout Edition
10:00 -- Harem Swap

Saturday
8:00 -- Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 -- Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 -- Teletalibans
9:30 -- Camel 54, Where Are You
10:00 -- How I Blew Up Your Brother

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The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.
"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor. "A fine picture of your lungs, stomach, and liver." "If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student. "I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."



The older we get, the fewer things seem
Worth waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
Roads weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would
Like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything
Either dries up or leaks.
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I don't know how I got over the hill
Without getting to the top.
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Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
With sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf.
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Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder
and your hand over my mouth.



One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."
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TWO ELDERLY WOMEN WERE OUT DRIVING IN A LARGE CAR -- BOTH COULD BARELY SEE OVER THE DASHBOARD. AS THEY WERE CRUISING ALONG THEY CAME TO AN INTERSECTION. THE STOPLIGHT WAS RED BUT THEY JUST WENT ON THROUGH. THE WOMAN IN THE PASSENGER SEAT THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I MUST BE LOSING IT, I COULD HAVE SWORN WE JUST WENT THROUGH A RED LIGHT."
AFTER A FEW MORE MINUTES THEY CAME TO ANOTHER INTERSECTION AND THE LIGHT WAS RED AGAIN AND AGAIN THEY WENT RIGHT THROUGH. THIS TIME THE WOMAN IN THE PASSENGER SEAT WAS ALMOST SURE THAT THE LIGHT HAD BEEN RED BUT WAS REALLY CONCERNED THAT SHE WAS LOSING IT. SHE WAS GETTING NERVOUS AND DECIDED TO PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE ROAD AND THE NEXT INTERSECTION TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON. AT THE NEXT INTERSECTION, SURE ENOUGH, THE LIGHT WAS DEFINITELY RED AND THEY WENT RIGHT THROUGH. SHE TURNED TO THE OTHER WOMAN AND SAID, "MILDRED! DID YOU KNOW WE JUST RAN THROUGH THREE RED LIGHTS IN A ROW! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US!" MILDRED TURNED TO HER AND SAID "OH, AM I DRIVING?"


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Weird Fact of the Day:
Studies have shown that the scent of Rosemary can help in better mental performance and make individuals feel more alert.
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One night a father was helping his son with his homework.
The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?".

The little boy pondered for a minute and replied
"Spinach ? Broccoli ?"
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BLONDE IN THE SNOW

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
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Jill wanted to convince Susan, a continually harried friend,
that she needed to find ways to relax.
She invited her to dinner and, while she was busy cooking,
Susan agreed to watch her videotape on stress management
and relaxation techniques.

Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed Jill the tape.
"It was good," she said, "but I don't need it."

"But it's a 70-minute video," Jill replied.
"You couldn't have watched the whole thing."

"Yes, I did," Susan assured her. "I put it on fast-forward."
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A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says,
"'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper
that says, 'F.. you?'"
The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says,
"No, I don't have paper that says,
'F... you.'"
"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk,
" I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."


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People are often unreasonable,
illogical, and self-centered --- forgive them anyway!

If you are kind, people may accuse you
of selfish ulterior motives --- be kind anyway!

If you are successful, you will win some false friends
and some true enemies --- succeed anyway!

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you --- be honest and frank
anyway!

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight --- build anyway!

If you find serenity and happiness,
many people may be jealous --- be happy anyway!

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow --- do good
anyway!

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough ---
Give it the best you've got anyway!
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