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This That And Frog Hair2: Tickles

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Tickles

Several hours of trying to post maybe this will work this time.


TODAY'S QUOTE
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up
and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."
Winston Churchill


What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Turkey.

Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."


What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.


If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE


Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language


What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers


What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot


Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all


What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving


How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey


What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock


Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside


Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play


What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY
What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!
Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it


Thanksgiving Eating Tips

As soon as the turkey is placed on the table, grab a
drumstick. Sure, you might not like the dark meat as much, but
now you possess the weapon you'll need when someone tries to
bogart the yams.

If you use the wrong fork, snooty relatives will complain. If
you only use your hunting knife, they shut the hell up.

If you eat stuffing with your turkey, be sure it was served
from *inside* the bird. That way, it doesn't count as a side
dish.

Men should not only wear women's maternity pants for maximum
gut expandability, they should also wear maternity bras to
sneak extra desserts.

Whipped cream can make a realistic "frothing at the mouth,"
good for scaring small children away from the cookies.

Grabbing the turkey leg for yourself is selfish. Let someone
go for it first so you can fight it out and give the rest of
the family some entertainment at the table.

If you can't out-eat Uncle Harold this year, move back down to
the kiddies' table and dominate!

You are only allowed to inform the hostess, "My mom didn't do
it this way" ONCE before you can be exiled to the kids' table
for the duration. (Newlyweds are allowed one extra.)

Killing an aged relative is a small price to pay for a seat at
the big table.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was
interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?"


BLONDE REQUEST
WHILE I WAS WORKING FOR A PHOTOFINISHING COMPANY, WE
RECEIVED A REPRINT ORDER FOR AN OLD BLACK-AND WHITE
PHOTOGRAPH OF AN OLD MAN MILKING A COW. THE MAN WAS
SITTING BEHIND THE COW, AND ALL THAT WAS VISABLE OF
HIM WERE HIS LEGS AND HIS FEET.
A NOTE ACCOMPANYING THE ORDER READ: "THIS IS THE
ONLY PICTURE I HAVE OF MY GRANDFATHER. PLEASE MOVE
THE COW SO I CAN SEE WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE."
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@
Subject: A Southern Baptist Dixie Darling . . .
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. The gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of Alabama When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said this fine example of Southern womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" Oh my, goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did." Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?" Sure, that would be nice," she said with anticipation! The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman woke up first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the heck have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Cojones De Toro
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumpitous looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones De Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy." The cowboy said,"What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied,"I'm am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,"These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
Rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearb y tree, figures he can put this knowl edge to good use and trade it for Protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print?
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1. To be shot. 2. To be hung. 3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly. Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! he was dead. The Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'M WEARING A CONDOM!!"
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills. Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it. Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies! One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

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