"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up
and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."
What key has legs and can't open doors?
Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language
What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving
How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!
Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it
Thanksgiving Eating Tips
As soon as the turkey is placed on the table, grab a
drumstick. Sure, you might not like the dark meat as much, but
now you possess the weapon you'll need when someone tries to
bogart the yams.
If you use the wrong fork, snooty relatives will complain. If
you only use your hunting knife, they shut the hell up.
If you eat stuffing with your turkey, be sure it was served
from *inside* the bird. That way, it doesn't count as a side
Men should not only wear women's maternity pants for maximum
gut expandability, they should also wear maternity bras to
sneak extra desserts.
Whipped cream can make a realistic "frothing at the mouth,"
good for scaring small children away from the cookies.
Grabbing the turkey leg for yourself is selfish. Let someone
go for it first so you can fight it out and give the rest of
the family some entertainment at the table.
If you can't out-eat Uncle Harold this year, move back down to
the kiddies' table and dominate!
You are only allowed to inform the hostess, "My mom didn't do
it this way" ONCE before you can be exiled to the kids' table
for the duration. (Newlyweds are allowed one extra.)
Killing an aged relative is a small price to pay for a seat at
the big table.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was
interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?"
WHILE I WAS WORKING FOR A PHOTOFINISHING COMPANY, WE
RECEIVED A REPRINT ORDER FOR AN OLD BLACK-AND WHITE
PHOTOGRAPH OF AN OLD MAN MILKING A COW. THE MAN WAS
SITTING BEHIND THE COW, AND ALL THAT WAS VISABLE OF
HIM WERE HIS LEGS AND HIS FEET.
A NOTE ACCOMPANYING THE ORDER READ: "THIS IS THE
ONLY PICTURE I HAVE OF MY GRANDFATHER. PLEASE MOVE
THE COW SO I CAN SEE WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE."
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
Rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearb y tree, figures he can put this knowl edge to good use and trade it for Protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print?
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills. Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it. Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies! One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"