Saturday's Laughs

One of FunniestVideos I have seen/heard in a long time. Believe it or not I come across some funny stuff.



A duck walks into a bar and orders a Beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
Round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck inquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a carpenter?"
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November Weather Lore
A warm November is the sign of a bad Winter.
Onion skins very thin,
Mild Winter coming in;
Onion skins thick and tough,
Coming Winter cold and rough.
Flowers bloomin' in late Autumn,
A sure sign of a bad Winter comin'.
As high as the weeds grow,
So will the bank of snow.
Thunder in the Fall foretells a cold Winter.

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Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the
Patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started
talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I
bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes
then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her
fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring
you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes....... ...."


The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at
twenty-one, so, on his first trip to the big city,
he decided to visit a brothel and find out what
he'd been missing.
Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive
establishment, he soon found himself lying in bed
with an attractive partner. Sensing the lad was
somewhat inexperienced; the professional gently
took his hand and placed it on the source of her
income. "Is this what you're looking for?" she
whispered seductively.

"Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy
murmured shyly. "I'm a stranger to these parts."
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A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary
school. He talked to the children about
his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them
this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the
Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering
a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your
language."
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There are three elderly people that get together on Friday night to play cards.
Normally they play in the kitchen but on this night the kitchen is being remodeled. Not having a card table they decide to play cards in the living
Room with no more than a paper spread over their laps. Now the three people's name are Peter, Penny and Priscilla. After a few hours the two ladies decide to "Powder their noses." While in the powder room Priscilla looks at Penny and says "Penny did you see Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as we were playing poker?" Penny replied "Priscilla, don't talk about Peter's pecker poking through the paper in The parlor as we were playing poker! It makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!"


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The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...
Bozo criminal for today comes from Crawfordsville, Indiana where
bozo Paul Starnes was arrested on a public intoxication charge
and was placed in a holding cell. Obviously thinking this always
works in the movies, our bozo climbed up into the ceiling, hoping
to make his getaway through the crawlspace. He didn't get very far
before the ceiling gave way, sending him crashing to the floor, in
the station house lobby, only a few feet away from the jailers. He
now faces an additional charge of attempted escape.
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At the school where I work, I'm the troubleshooter for all the
computers. One day a colleague complained that hers was running
very slowly.
I had a look at it and noticed she had close to 200 items in her
recycle bin. "No wonder you're having trouble. Don't you ever
empty your trash?"
"Well, no," she replied, flustered. "In our household, that's my
husband's job."
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Extremely tired of nagging at her children to do their everyday
chores, a mother typed up a list of rules and went over all 31
with them.
A little while later, her husband walked over and read the posted
list, looked at her and said, "God made only ten Commandments. "



On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the
instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing
when you're at 300 feet."
One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?
"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of
people on the ground."
She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens
if there's no one there I know"?
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Kenny Kramer, the inspiration for the wacky character "Cosmo Kramer"
made famous by Michael Richards in Seinfeld, once lived across the
hall from Seinfeld's creator Larry David. He reportedly sold the
rights to his character for $1,000 before Seinfeld hit Nielsen gold.
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The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Thanks to Cynthia Kindler Thomas for sending in today's report. From
East Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Edward Oliver
who perhaps should have invested in some Band Aids before setting
out to break into a garage near the police station. Officers at
the station house heard the alarm go off at around 3 AM and rushed
over to check things out. Our bozo wasn't still there but they did
find a broken window and a trail of blood leading from the garage
to a home across the street. Our bozo was bandaged up and arrested,
charged with attempted robbery.
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A farmer rings up the vet and says "two of me chickens have
stopped laying'" The vet says "really, how do you know?"
The farmer says "I just ran over the bastards with my tractor."
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The rich, old, dying man called his lawyer to his bedside for the
purpose of disposing of his worldly goods.
"How many children have you?" the lawyer asked.
"That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be decided by the courts
when my will is contested."
------
Jeff meets Doug at the bar after work. Doug is really upset.
"What's wrong pal?" Jeff asked. "You look really down"
"I am. My wife said she wants to have sex in the backseat of the
car" Doug replied.
"So what's wrong with that?" Jeff asked, seeming somewhat confused.
"Well," Doug sighs, "She said she wants me to be the one driving
the car".


The situation was tense in the airport control tower. The new
controller, a female, was having problems handling so many planes
at once. "Is something wrong Delta 715? Why don't you confirm
my landing instructions? Is my transmission fuzzy?"
"Delta 715 to BWI control. I don't know honey, how old are ya?"
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The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the
rest of his family who were waiting for the news. "We had twins!
We're naming them Maureen and Colleen!"
The family was excited. One of them immediately asked, "Who do
Maureen and Colleen look like?"
The father paused, smiled proudly, and said, "Each other.
They're TWINS!!" (only a man would say that)
------
It was a quiet night at the Heavenly Dolls Gentlemen's Club.
Phil strolled in about 10 PM and took his usual seat, an easy
chair about two feet from the stage thrust, and sat back.
Amber slid down and off her pole and came over to the edge of
the stage. "And how's thing's going tonight, big boy?"
"Not bad," replied Phil. "Long day, tired night." "Well, maybe
I can turn up the heat a bit for you. I mean, if I just wiggle a
bit like this, or move these like so..." The dancer slid forward,
hanging over the edge of the stage. Now supporting herself on
Phil's shoulders, she leaned forward and whispered, "Just think what
a little bit of this action" (with a wiggle) "could do for you."
"Keep talking," said Phil. "I'm all leers."




"According to Britney Spears' pre-nup agreement, after she divorces
Kevin Federline she'll have to pay him $30,000 a month. And when
you add that to Federline's other sources of income, he'll be
making a total of $30,000 a month."
--Conan O'Brien
------
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a
very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
------
A 37-year-old man was charged with burglary in Waterbury, Conn.,
in September after he was caught selling the victim's distinctive
furnishings at a yard sale just a few doors down the street.
[WTNH-TV (New Haven)-AP, 9-9-06]
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Christopher Bordne, 17, was arrested in September in Newton,
Mass., after a police officer, waiting behind Bordne at a traffic
light at 1:40 a.m. through several light changes, checked to find
Bordne with his foot on the brake but otherwise sound asleep.
After yelling at Bordne and rapping repeatedly on the window with
his flashlight, the officer watched as Bordne woke up, drove off
and crashed into a tree. [Daily News Tribune (Newton), 9-19-06]
------
Two unnamed Egyptian men in their 20s, in Russia on tourist visas,
illegally crossed the border to Belarus and then headed to Poland,
which, as a European Union country, is harder to enter. According to
an August report from BBC News' Moscow bureau, the pair dug a hole
under the border (using shoehorns), and once in Poland, intended to
enter Germany the same way, but they had gotten turned around during
the dig and instead of Germany, they mistakenly tunneled back into
Belarus, where they were captured. They were sent back to Moscow
but later were trying to leave the country again when Russian guards
at the Ukraine border took them into custody. [BBC News, 8-23-06]



Wal-Mart is coming out with their own wine. It comes in two flavors
? red and white trash. On the label they of course are telling
people to drink responsibly. They don't want anyone drinking the
wine and then getting behind the wheel of their home." --Jay Leno
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"President Bush and Nancy Pelosi met for lunch today. It didn't
go well ? she wouldn't pass anything."
--Dave Letterman
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Firefighter Pulls Catty Act With Neighbor's Pet

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - Firefighter Christopher Cortes and his
wife Iris Zuckerman have been sentenced to community service
hours after they took their neighbor's cat and left him in the
Everglades. Cortes was angry that Mr. Kibbles had been using the
back of his new pickup truck as a litter box, so he and his wife
snatched the feline from its home and left him at the national
park. Mr. Kibble's owner, 12-year-old Maggie Leonard, chastised
the couple for what they did, saying that firefighters should be
saving cats from trees, not stealing them. Cortes and his wife were
sentenced Thursday after pleading no contest to petty theft. "That's
what they get for taking an innocent cat," said Leonard.
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for a week, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write to God requesting 100.00. When the Postal Authorities received the letter to God, USA, they forwarded it to the President.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.