A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling
slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks
into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking
(mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I
come here often?"
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number
of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
He went back in a month and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing
aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" " Twelve thirty " he
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we
went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's
red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Maurice, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman in his arm. After another couple of days later,
the doctor called Maurice and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?" Maurice replied, "Just doing what yo u said, Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.' The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
The man, trying to start up a conversation with another man said, "WOW! Who is that incredibly ugly lady over there?" The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!" Trying to get out of an embarassing situation, the first man said, "No, not her, the other one!" The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand. "Yes, Johnny," said the teacher "A teacher!"
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds. So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!!
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate
was drunk today." "Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer."Yes, its true" the mate said.
"Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly.Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober
It was a Saturday afternoon, and I had rushed down to the local Winn-Dixie supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments for an impromptu BBQ for a few friends at half-time while we were watching a college Sweet Sixteen basketball game on the patio. The store was loaded with shoppers and as I headed for the limited items Express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line. A rather large woman, completely ignoring the overhead sign, slipped into the check-out line justin front of me, pushing a cart piled high with groceries. I was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay, when to my unexpected delight, the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward. She looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"
I enjoy house plants but have trouble keeping them healthy. One day I put a sickly looking specimen on the patio, hoping it would perk up in the bright sunlight. That night I forgot to bring it inside, and the next morning it was gone. Three weeks later, I looked out on the patio. The fully recovered plant was there, along with a note giving detailed instructions for its care. The note was signed with a green thumbprint.
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to
make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings
it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found
a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided
that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and
showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said,
"This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it
any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police
and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and
we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to
get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old
boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with
swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There
were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music,
military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year.
Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket.
It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right
there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See
These are some of my little Billy's letters:
Letter # 1
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.
Letter # 2
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all
get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan
food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart
class. Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell
Letter # 3
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow
of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a
tan cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer
screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Letter # 4
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I've got to chip
in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Letter # 5
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto
any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the
university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five,
he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really
smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Letter # 6
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody
wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is
cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made
some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway,
I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late
Letter # 7
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years
old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit
bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write
again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
What can I do, Mr. Johnson?
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little
boy. I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if
by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of
programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between
the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing
small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to
rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big
animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no
gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down,
the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the
coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said
the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the
centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you
during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well," said the centipede,
"I was having my ankles taped."
Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat
up car down to a bank they're going to rob.
"Drive slower," pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't
want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies. "Even if it did, I've got a spare
box under the passenger seat."
My neighbor's foxy 20 year-old daughter is home from school and I've been feeling a bit dirty for looking at her. She prances around, scantily clad, chasing her dogs around the yard with youthful exuberance. I just can't take it! She should dress more conservatively! She should stop dolling herself up! She should stay inside! Or maybe I should just put my binoculars away.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well-dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel. Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked. "Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented. She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?" One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You Say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried About your taste in socks?" "That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks." "But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many People prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks." "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just A squeeze of lemon?
Q's & A's
Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How did the blonde die raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree!
Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her cigarette.
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M shells all over the floor.
Q: Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe!
Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Q: What is every blonde's ambition?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Weird Fact of the Day: The Kraft company produces enough Cool Whip, a brand of whipping cream, in one year to fill the entire Grand Canyon.
AN ELDERLY WOMAN CALLED 911 ON HER CELL PHONE TO REPORT THAT HER CAR HAS BEEN BROKEN INTO. SHE IS HYSTERICAL AS SHE EXPLAINS HER SITUATION TO THE DISPATCHER: "THEY'VE STOLEN THE STERO, THE STEERING WHEEL, THE BRAKE PEDAL AND EVEN THE ACCELERATOR! " SHE CRIED. "THE DISPATCHER SAID, "STAY CALM. AN OFFICER IS ON THE WAY." A FEW MINUTES LATER, THE OFFICER RADIOS IN. "DISREGARD." HE SAYS. "SHE GOT IN THE BACK-SEAT BY MISTAKE."
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them. With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work . . out of our home." Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered. The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"