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This That And Frog Hair2: White Trash Wednesday.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

White Trash Wednesday.

It's White Trash Wed. I love Wednesday. The Day to let ya hair down cuz its the middle of the week. No p.c. crap found here.
If you find a picture with a dead link let me know or surf on.
Oh yea and come back after playing where ever it is you sneak out to and check another one. On occasion I leave a pic with out a link so that those of you like me can errrr enlarge it for better viewing or the graphics work better.
Most of the links today are tame. I lost all the good stuff when ole puter died. So bear with me. I hope I don't repeat to many jokes. Snag anything you like. Let the jokes begin.



Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a Beirut cafe chatting over a pint of warm goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls out a bag and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
"This was my oldest son, Mohammed".
"Yes, I remember him as a baby", says the other mother.
"He's a martyr now. So brave", says the first mother.
"And this is my second son, Kalid; he's 21".
"I remember his curly hair", says the other.
"He is also a martyr. So great," says the other.
"This is my third, my baby, Ahmed; he's 18".
"I remember when he started school", says the other.
"He is a martyr, too", says his mother.After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks at the pictures wistfully and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT DEPRESSION DOES HAVE ITS BENEFITS. FOR INSTANCE, I USED TO HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, BUT NOW WHEN I GET ON A PLANE, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A CRAP IF IT REACHES ITS DESTINATION.
BE KINDER THAN NECESSARY, FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING SOME KIND OF BATTLE.
I THOUGHT I WANTED A CAREER. TURNS OUT I JUST WANTED PAYCHECKS.
PRISON INMATES ARE TREATED TO CABLE TV, HOT MEALS AND A COLLEGE EDUCATION, WHILE ON THE OUTSIDE SOME PEOPLE CAN ONLY AFFORD THESE THINGS THROUGH A LIFE OF CRIME!

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
.To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: . . . . "I think I might be gay..."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
"IF EVERYTHING SEEMS UNDER CONTROL, YOU'RE JUST NOT GOING FAST ENOUGH."
------ MARIO ANDRETTI
"A TWO-YEAR OLD IS KIND OF LIKE HAVING A BLENDER, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A TOP FOR IT."
-------JERRY SEINFIELD
"NO MATTER HOW MUCH CATS FIGHT, THERE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE PLENTY OF KITTENS."
-------ABRAHAM LINCOLN
"MISERS AREN'T FUN TO LIVE WITH, BUT THEY MAKE WONDERFUL ANCESTORS."
-------DAVID BRENNER
"LOVE YOUR ENEMIES, FOR THEY TELL YOU YOUR FAULTS."
-------BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
"SINCE CHILDHOOD IS A TIME WHEN KIDS PREPARE TO BE GROWN UPS, I THINK IT MAKE A LOT OF SENSE TO COMPLETELY TRAUMATIZE YOUR CHILDREN. GETS 'EM READY FOR THE REAL WORLD."
--------GEORGE CARLIN

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

HOW TO BE ANNOYING (a guide)
ADJUST THE TINT ON YOUR TV SO THAT ALL THE PEOPLE ARE GREEN, AND INSIST TO OTHERS THAT YOU "LIKE IT THAT WAY."
DRUM ON EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE.
ASK 800 OPERATORS FOR DATES.
SET ALARMS FOR RANDOM TIMES AT HOME.
ORDER A SIDE OF PORK RINDS WITH YOU FILET MIGNON.
HONK AND WAVE LIKE CRAZY TO STRANGERS.
DRESS ONLY IN CLOTHES COLORED HUNTER'S ORANGE.
CHANGE CHANNELS FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE END OF EVERY SHOW.
DECLINE TO BE SEATED AT A RESTAURANT, AND SIMPLY EAT THEIR COMPLEMENTARY MINTS BY THE CASH REGISTER.
DONT USE ANY PUNCTUATION
REPEAT EVERYTHING SOMEONE SAYS, AS A QUESTION.
WANDER AROUND THE RESTAURANT, ASKING OTHER DINERS FOR THEIR PARSLEY.
AT THE LAUNDROMAT, USE ONE DRYER FOR EACH OF YOUR SOCKS.
STAND OVER SOMEONE'S SHOULDER, MUMBLING, AS THEY READ.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
HOW TO BE ANNOYING (a guide)
NAME YOUR DOG "DOG."
LICK THE FILLING OUT OF ALL THE OREOS, AND PLACE THE COOKIE PARTS BACK IN THE BAG.
FORGET THE PUNCHLINE TO A LONG JOKE, BUT ASSURE THE LISTENER IT WAS A "REAL HOOT".
FOLLOW A FEW PACES BEHIND SOMEONE, SPRAYING EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH WITH A CAN OF LYSOL.
LIE OBVIOUSLY ABOUT TRIVIAL THINGS SUCH AS THE TIME OF DAY.
CHEW ON PENS THAT YOU'VE BORROWED.
ASK YOUR CO-WORKERS MYSTERIOUS QUESTIONS, AND SCIBBLE THEIR ANSWERS IN A NOTEBOOK. MUTTER SOMETHING ABOUT "PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILES."
DO NOT ADD ANY INFLECTION TO THE END OF YOUR SENTENCES, PRODUCING AWKWARD SILENCES WITH THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU'LL BE SAYING MORE ANY MOMENT.
NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT.
MAKE APPOINTMENTS FOR THE 31st OF SEPTEMBER.
REPEAT YOURSELF CONSTANTLY.
TALK TO SOMEONE WHILE LOOKING AT SOMEBODY ELSE.
STRINGWHATEVERYOUSA YINTOONELONGWORD SOITSHARDTOMAKEO UTWHATYOU' RESAYING?
BLINK RAPIDLY AND CONSTANTLY.
SCRATCH YOURSELF CONSTANTLY. (i am not saying where.)
SEND FIFTY COPES OF THIS LIST TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
Set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly
states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and
tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Don't ever set her free.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST' S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant,
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme,
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

( Think the above is one of Ms. Peace Moonbeam's friends)


WHO IS JACK SCHITT????? The Lineage is revealed!

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You
don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep
Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply
religious couple produced six children: Holy Schitt, the twins -
Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull
Schitt, a high school drop-out.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later
married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were still living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers
in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned
with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.

------

Dennis Miller's Advice to Men About What Women Want

1 - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

2 - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly
steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

3 - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and
power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent,
affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go
to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any
more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.

4 - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look
at ... say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to
you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking,
worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than
Carl. Hellooo ...

5 - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's
your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

6 - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming
out. Words are kind of important.

7 - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock
stars to have women their own age in their videos.

8 - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau,
you should *know* if she came.

9 - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask
for directions.

10 - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your
dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

------
A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a
cop is going down the line giving them all tickets. A little, old
lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks,
"Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?" The
smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for
our lollipops." "Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old
lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in
line too." A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of
the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?" She
looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making
'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em.

------
At a dinner party to introduce the new Administrator of the Maryland
State Highway, everybody's new boss went on and on extolling his
own virtues, forward-thinking, the modernization he'd put in place,
the downsizing, equipment upgrades, roadway improvements he had
both instituted and planned for the future while he was with the
Pennsylvania Dept of Transportation. Finally, after what seemed
like hours, he opened the floor for questions.
"Sir," said a voice from the back of the room (who shall remain
nameless), "perhaps you'd also tell us why they fired you."
------




*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_
SITTING ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY WAITING TO CATCH SPEEDING DRIVERS, A STATE POLICE OFFICER SEES A CAR PUTTERING ALONG AT 22 MPH. HE THINKS TO HIMSELF, "THIS DRIVER IS JUST AS DANGEROUS AS A SPEEDER!" SO HE TURNS ON HIS LIGHTS AND PULLS THE DRIVER OVER. APPROACHING THE CAR, HE NOTICES THAT THERE ARE FIVE OLD LADIES - TWO IN THE FRONT SEAT AND THREE IN THE BACK - WIDE EYED AND WHITE AS GHOSTS. THE DRIVER, OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED, SAYS TO HIM, "OFFICER, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, I WAS DOING EXACTLY THE SPEED LIMIT! WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?" "MA'AM," THE OFFICER REPLIES, "YOU WEREN'T SPEEDING BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT DRIVING SLOWER THAN THE SPEED LIMIT CAN ALSO BE A DANGER TO OTHER DRIVERS." "SLOWER THAN THE SPEED LIMIT? NO SIR, I WAS DOING THE SPEED LIMIT EXACTLY ... TWENTY-TWO MILES AND HOUR!" THE OLD WOMAN SAYS A BIT PROUDLY.
THE STATE POLICE OFFICER, TRYING TO CONTAIN A CHUCKLE EXPLAINS TO HER THAT "22" WAS THE ROUTE NUMBER, NOT THE SPEED LIMIT. A BIT EMBARRASSED, THE WOMAN GRINNED AND THANKED THE OFFICER FOR POINTING OUT HER ERROR. "BUT BEFORE I LET YOU GO, MA'AM, I HAVE TO ASK... IS EVERYONE IN THIS CAR OK? THESE WOMEN SEEM AWFULLY SHAKEN AND THEY HAVEN'T MUTTERED A SINGLE PEEP THIS WHOLE TIME," THE OFFICER ASKS WITH CONCERN.
"OH, THEY'LL BE ALL RIGHT IN A MINUTE OFFICER. WE JUST GOT OFF ROUTE 119."
,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Bumper snickers
Feel Safe At Night ----- Sleep With A Cop.

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you're an asshole .

The proctologist called
...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.


WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.


Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Don't like my driving!
Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander..It is too small and fragile to be out by itself
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!


Welcome to America
...now speak English
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_


A man owned a large farm in Iowa. The State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week to keep him going," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A Glimpse Into The Future....
(Original author unknown)

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
so I can read this card....eh.. ....Okay. ....it's 6102049998-45- 54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information
anyway/"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it. It's pretty tasty."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
c'mon....soybean pizza?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
little awkward."
Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.
Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."
Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics."
Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
think I want ANYTHING from you guys."
Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."




The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher
made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town.
At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor,
I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the
shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase
my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he
virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the
head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
days."

_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
accidentally kicked her right in the chin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God
was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded
Broncos flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very
special; not everyone gets a house up here." John felt special, indeed,
and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the
corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green and Gold sidewalk, a 50
foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packers logo flag, and in every
window, a Cheesehead.
John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I
have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even
went to the Hall of Fame."
God said "So what do you want to know, John?" "Well, why does Brett
Favre get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Brett Favre's house, it's
mine."

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