Tuesday's Laughes

Alice, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals committee, recently accused Tom, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.Tom stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
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1. If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
2. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
3. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
4. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
5. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
6. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
7. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
8. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
9. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
10. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
11. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
12. If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
13. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician) , she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
14. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and
married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd
be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
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Debbie was a knockout but alas, she also was virtually
brainless. Fortunately, this was no drawback as far as Tom's plans
for the evening were concerned. He was delighted when she agreed
to come up to his apartment for a nightcap.
As he prepared the drinks, full of anticipation, Debbie explored
the apartment, stopping now and then to examine a painting or a
book title, she didn't quite understand. At last she stopped dead
in front of his fireplace. "What on earth is that?" she asked
pointing to a carved wooden object lying on the mantel.
"Oh, that. It's African," he replied. "They use them in their
fertility rites. It's a phallic symbol."
"Oh, I see." stated Debbie demurely. "I'd hate to tell you what
it looks like!"


A US family is suing Greyhound after the contents of a bus toilet
were dumped through their open car sunroof.
Ruben and Angle Strokes and their three children were covered with
toilet waste as they were returning from a meal out at a Toledo
restaurant when it happened.
They were following a Greyhound bus on an interstate highway when
the contents of the bus's sanitary tank were suddenly dumped on
their 4x4 vehicle. The waste went through the open windows and
sunroof of their Ford Explorer, drenching all five family members.
Despite being covered with waste, Mr. Strokes followed the bus to
obtain its identification information and registration number.
The Strokes' vehicle was declared a total loss by their insurance
company because the stench and filth couldn't be removed, even
though the interior was steam-cleaned several times.

Greyhound declined to comment.
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Thieves broke into a garden and stole $900 worth of bees in what
police described as a professional sting.
Officers in Germany said the raid was highly professional and
involved breaking through a section of a thick stone garden wall.
Six entire hives were removed - with thousands of bees still inside.
Cops say they do not know how many people were in- volved in the
theft or how they managed to transport the bees away from the
garden but it is likely that the thieves were bee experts.
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During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line
what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing.
The evangelist took his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed
for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know, it's not until next Tuesday."
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The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say
you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about
your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people
prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact,
I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a
squeeze of lemon?
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One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return
to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like
sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.
She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of
invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step
for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing.
Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the
bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of
her leg! That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8
feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land
screaming by my side.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper
neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.


Although a bright and able man, my husband is almost completely helpless when faced with even the simplest
domestic chore.
One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our friend, Betty, had taught her husband Frank to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to Betty, Frank would be able to care for himself.
Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"
After considering that possibility for a moment, my husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank."

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1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer
the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross. But it is
inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?


Correct Answer: You swim across. All the
Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide,
around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically
okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write
it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
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What Is Politics ???
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo poo !"
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The Candy Bar
My friends and I had joined a weight loss organization. At one meeting, the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.
"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet"?
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar"?
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. Then, from the back of the room, a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."



Moving Day
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated"?
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we still get separated"? he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
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Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm.
8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new
Harley.
4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is
partially owned by Honda.
3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover
their ears like everyone else.
2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his
hand on spiked helmet.
1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to
lift their arms.
Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back
10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene
gesture.
9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise
arm.
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. The espresso machine just finished.
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories
dealer.
3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height,
programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard.


Top 10 Reasons Sportbikers Don't Wave:

10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to.
9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement
and respond.
8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear.
7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of
the socket.
6. They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips.
5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't
want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank.
4. Their skin tight-kevlar- ballistic- nylon-kangaroo- leather suits
prevent any position other than fetal.
3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.
2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies.
1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flop back on.


Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back

10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm.
9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form."
8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.
7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat.
6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod,
XM, or talking on the cell phone.
5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!.
4. Wires from Gerbings is too short.
3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW.
2. You haven't been properly introduced.
1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.
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In the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest
(dated Feb. 1962), and a friend came across this
reprint from the Washington News:
Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following
message from a reservation Native American Indian Chief.
The quote reads:
"Be careful with your immigration laws.
We were careless with ours."