Saturday's Giggles and Grins.
Looking for some peace and solitude from his busy film schedule, John
Trovolta was on vacation in the backwoods of Maine. When he walked into a local movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there
applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the way up here in this small town." He was abput to get up & take a bow when...... a man came over to him and says.....
"Thanks for coming, sir. They won't start the movie unless we have ten
paying people or more."
*Warning Signs That You Need A New Doctor*
* The patient before you was a goat.
* Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
* He has an assistant named Igor.
* The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."
* Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
* During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to
the knee bone" song.
* Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
What key has legs and can't open doors?
Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language
What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving
How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!
Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape
How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore
Thanks, for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business. Thanks, for a nation of finks.
-- William S. Burroughs, "A Thanksgiving Prayer"
Marijuana has been proven to have a multitude of medicinal uses. And
it's not just bunch of potheads wanting to smoke pot either! 2% of them
would reap actual medical benefits!!! Here's Cannabis Canada's
Sympton/Illness - Treatment
Glaucoma - 1/4 ounce per week, use as needed
Asthma - two large bong hits per attack
Minor burns - 1 joint every 4-6 hours
Insomnia - bowl at bedtime and as soon as you wake up
Depression - three large bong hits, 5-8 times per day
Hangnail - 1/2 ounce per week as long as symptoms persist
Feel kinda funny - pot brownies after each meal
My balls itch - antifungal cream applied to balls, and 2 - 3 joints per
Jonesin' for some pot - 1 full ounce every 4 days, refill as needed
Waay tooo stoned man - Smoke as much as needed until you feel 'normal'
Can't cope with shit - Stay in bed and smoke plenty of pot until better
Getting bored with Quake - One large bong hit everytime you save game
Paranoia - Smoke as much pot as humanly possible (while you still can)
A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used
the name, Bubba. He went to court and changed his name.
The judge asked, "What name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?"
"Yes that's right, your honor." said Bubba.
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally,
your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and
heard "who's there?" He said, "It's me!"
She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "What it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya
puts it in ya mouth."
She replied, "Oh!... Come on in, Dick."
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the
girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She
says "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. "Well, just
let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and
then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE.
EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man pays
for them and leaves.
Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3.
He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies,
"Sure, but what size do you need?" He says "Well, I don't know." She
says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of
tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE.
LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man pays for
them and leaves.
Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to
the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell
any condoms here?" "Yep" she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't
know" he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over
the intercom, "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."
I gave my 7-year-old a "safe word"
in case a stranger ever tries to talk
him into a car. Then my know-it-all
wife tells me the word "candy"
was probably not a good choice.
I tried camping once and had to eat cold
hot dogs and unroasted marshmallows because
I couldn't get a campfire going. Disappointed,
I returned home, where I fell asleep with
a lit cigarette and burned down my house.
Life's funny like that sometimes.
At first I was really mad when my
toilet broke, but then I had to
consider how I normally treat it.
One of the nice things about being
unemployed is that you don't have to
wash your hands after using the restroom.
Sure, "JIHAD!" is a great name for a band,
but I wish I had thought about airport
security before getting the tattoo.
They say that after you have a baby, nothing
else matters. Sure, but try using that as
an excuse to get out of a speeding ticket.
I see skies of blue, clouds of white.
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights.
And I think to myself:
"I hope a plane spots my raft soon."
I've always held that any glass is a "beer glass"
if you drink beer out of it, and any glass is a
"wine glass" if you drink wine out of it. But that
jerk at the pet shop still calls it an "aquarium."
They say romance is dead. Well, that
would certainly explain the big
heart-shaped grave in the back yard.
If I plagiarize, it's only because I
like someone else's idea better than
mine and I want credit for it.
I like to buy women a lot of drinks,
not so much to lessen their inhibitions
as to lower their standards.
At the end of our first date the girl told me
I was crazy in the head and I should be
committed to a mental institution. Why do
women always want us to make a commitment?! ?
Paddy and Mike were working for the power company which was stringing
some new lines in the city. As it happened, the new lines went down the
alley behind a certain well-known house of ill repute. Most men knew of
the house and many were quite bold enough to go through the front door,
but there was also a back door to the alley that was secluded for those
worried about their reputations. You really couldn't see this very well
except from above, a perfect place to watch the goings on.
As they were working on the pole, Mike nudged Paddy. "Would you look at
that, now. Isn't that the Mayor sneaking in Maudie's?"
"Aye, it is, it is. And him a family man with a fine wife and three
kids. I'll tell ya, Mike, the values of the place have really gone bad
these past few years."
Mike nods in agreement and they go back to work. Not 10 minutes later,
Paddy nudged Mike. "Saints and Saviors, I don't believe me own eyes.
Who is that goin' inta Maudie's now?"
"Its that new Protestant preacher who just come to town," says Mike.
"Oh, its a terrible thing, him visitin such a place, sneakin in around
t'back like that."
"Yes, and himself a man of the cloth, as it were. What can we be comin'
to when the vicars start frequentin' such places?" says Paddy. They
shake their heads and go back to work.
A bit later that day, still another man came sneaking furtively down the
alley and ducked into Maudie's.
Paddy and Mike look at each other, eyes wide with surprise. "Jesus,
Mary and Joseph!" Mike exclaims with surprise. "Its Father Flannigan
With that, both Paddy and Mide doff their caps. "Oh, its a shame it
is," says Paddy. "One of them poor unfortunate girls must be terrible
sick for them to send for the Priest like that."
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he
called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his
secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get
lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up
for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding
to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet,
pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with
one hand, he said,
"Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse.
"Look what he did to my tits!"