Friday Follies and Grins.
Eight years after the Clinton admi. We know what 'is' is
This is the look of the local classroom.
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him. As soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, "F*ck you."
This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it.
The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time. I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the traffic light turned yellow just in front of him. The man did the right thing stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof - and the horn - screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands in the air. He
took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." Priceless!
The local sleazy car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of
several people in the community, informed a farmer he was coming over to
purchase a cow. When he arrived, he had a bit of "sticker shock" at the
sight of the information the farmer attached to the cow:
Basic cow ............ ......... ......... ......... ...$499.95
Extra stomachs ............ ......... ......... ......... 79.25
Two ton exterior ............ ......... ......... ......142. 10
Heavy duty straw chopper ............ ......... .......189. 60
Milk production system ............ ......... ......... 375.13
Produce storage compartment ............ ......... ....126.50
Four spigot high output drain system ............ ....149.20
Automatic fly swatter ............ ......... ......... ..88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery ............ ......... .....179. 90
Deluxe dual horns ............ ......... ......... ......59. 25
Automatic fertilizer attachment ............ ......... 339.40
4+4 traction drive assembly ............ ......... ....884.16
Pre-delivery wash and detailing ............ ......... .69.80
Destination Charge ............ ......... ......... ....395.00
Tax, license and title ............ ......... ......... 306.63
Total list Price....... ......... ......... ......... $3,884.41
Ten Rules of Housekeeping
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a
serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet
2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the
area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5
and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out
that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your
eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play
animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to
see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO
8. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you
say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident ... I
haven't had the heart to clean it."
10. Mix one quarter cup pine scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
And the most important thing to remember:
Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I
clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
While waiting in line at the bank, a coworker developed a very loud case
of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups
seemed to have worsened.
The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer
verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her
terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do
not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,"
she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of
"It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!"
"Yeah......I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash.
"But did you happen to notice that your hiccups are gone?"
On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked,
"How will that help?"
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
"Yes, I do" came the employee's reply. "Why?"
"Well, that makes everything just fine then. See, when you left early
yesterday to attend your grandmother' s funeral service, she happened to
stop by to see you."
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very
"Oh, excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to
the men who will enjoy reading it.
An influential Londoner wound up a business
trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon
he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke
not a word of Chinese, his address was to be
translated by an interpreter sentence by sentence.
"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death
to be asked here today."
A look of panicked confusion appeared on the
s face. "This poor man," he said in
Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies, only
to be with you today."
In Italy, Bob Dylan sang for Pope John Paul II and had a private
audience with him. The Pope said later, 'I speak eight different
languages, and I still have no idea what he was saying'"
- Conan O'Brien
As part of the examination, the professor required that students sign a form
stating that they had not received any outside assistance
during the exam.
Unsure of whether he should sign the form, one student stated that he had
prayed for the assistance of God. As he turned in his exam, he
asked the professor if that meant he should not sign the form.
The professor looked over the student's answers, and told him, "You can sign
it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."