Laugh Don't Cry
Six-year-old Angie and her 4-year-old brother Joel
were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two big guys in gangster suits standing by the door?
THE BEST WAY TO CHEER YOURSELF UP IS TO TRY TO CHEER SOMEBODY ELSE UP.
YOU WILL DO FOOLISH THINGS, BUT DO THEM WITH ENTHUSIASM.
YOUR ONLY YOUNG ONCE. AFTER THAT IT TAKES SOME OTHER EXCUSE FOR ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT.
AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE, MORE IS SAID THAN DONE.
A MAN PARKED HIS CAR AT THE SUPERMARKET AND WAS WALKING PAST AN EMPTY CART WHEN HE HEARD A WOMAN ASK, "EXCUSE ME, DID YOU WANT THAT CART?" "NO," HE ANSWERED. "I'M ONLY AFTER ONE THING." AS HE WALKED TOWARD THE STORE, HE HEARD HER MURMUR, "TYPICAL MALE."
Did you know?...Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Did you know?...23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts
Did you know?...If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. Citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
Did you know?...More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Did you know?...The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
Did you know?...The Eiffel Tower in Paris weighs over 1000 elephants.
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" he blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled __expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were
stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on.
While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.
It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with
someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who
would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry,
I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't
believe that my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my
original. Now, my rear complemented my
legs, lump for lump.
Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.
One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as
the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the
This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a
time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up,
unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and
In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.
What could they do to me next?
My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now
resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the
medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee. That really isn't plastic that those
surgeons are using.
You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again Was it
lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy
Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I
was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved
to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK US RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT WE DO TO MAKE OUR DAYS INTERESTING. I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED. IT'S IMPORTANT AT MY AGE.........
FOR EXAMPLE, THE OTHER DAY I WENT INTO TOWN AND WENT TO A SMALL SHOP DOWN ON HIGH STREET. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT, THERE WAS A COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET. I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR CITIZEN A BREAK?"
HE LOOKED UP, THEN IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET. I CALLED HIM A HEARTLESS NAZI BASTARD. HE GLARED AT ME AND THEN STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR WORN TIRES. SO I CALLED HIM A PIECE OF STINKING DOG SHIT.
HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST. I CALLED HIM AN ASSHOLE AND A PIG. THEN WHEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET I CALLED HIS MOTHER A SLUT AND A WHORE.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I VERBALLY ABUSED HIM, THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE. PERSONALLY, I DIDN'T GIVE A CRAP. I CAME DOWNTOWN BY BUS.
As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it,"
It's important that you don't look at the answers until you at least try the question.
OK, relax, clear your mind and ... begin.
WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.!
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions??? ??
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from Victoria to Campbell River on Vancouver Island. In Victoria, 17 people get on the bus. In Mill Bay, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Duncan, two people get off and four get on. In Nanaimo, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Parksville, three people get off and five people get on. In Courtenay, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Campbell River. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" and hope they do better than you did.
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I
told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block,
and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked
even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're
from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students included
a huge amount of material on the midterm exam. Tension in the room
built up, people were sighing and gasping aloud as they realized how
much material they had covered and were expected to recall. The
following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and
announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to
me." "What did He say?" asked one of the students. "He said, 'Gee,
thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!'"
My brother, a university student, had been cramming for a biology
exam. During a break he asked my mother, a former biology major, "How
many red blood cells does a body make in one second?" "One million?"
Mom guessed. "Nope, two million," my brother said, chortling. "You
were a million off. A whole million." "That's your point of view," my
mother responded. "What other point of view is there?" my brother
asked her. "That I was only a half-second off," she replied coolly.
"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document
and calls it a brief!"
"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything,
yet always insist they're being misquoted!"
My wife will buy anything marked down. Yesterday she
came home with an escalator. --Henny Youngman
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
My friend has a job installing pipe. When Friday comes,
he tells his boss it's time to pay the piper.
A judge in his golden years decided that retirement
had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian
at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor,
a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.
She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern
And you carry that with you to your new job, which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine,
you can't just throw the book at him.
"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.
"I know," said the librarian,
"but the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica ?"
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price.
The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
REMEMBER, THEY VOTE
SOME GUY BOUGHT A NEW REFRIGERATOR FOR HIS HOUSE. TO GET RID OF HIS OLD FRIDGE, HE PUT IT IN HIS FRONT YARD AND HUNG A SIGN ON IT SAYING: "FREE TO GOOD HOME. YOU WANT IT, YOU TAKE IT". FOR THREE DAYS THE FRIDGE SAT THERE. HE EVENTUALLY DECIDED THAT PEOPLE WERE TOO UNTRUSTING OF THIS DEAL. IT LOOKED TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, SO HE CHANGES THE SIGN TO READ: "FRIDGE FOR SALE $50". THE NEXT DAY SOMEONE STOLE IT.
CAUTION!.... ......... ......... .
THESE PEOPLE VOTE
WHILE LOOKING AT A HOUSE, MY BROTHER ASKED THE REAL ESTATE AGENT WHICH DIRECTION WAS NORTH BECAUSE, HE EXPLAINED, HE DIDN'T WANT THE SUN WAKING HIM UP EVERY MORNING. SHE ASKED, "DOES THE SUN RISE IN THE NORTH?" WHEN MY BROTHER EXPLAINED THAT THE SUN RISES IN THE EAST, (AND HAS FOR SOMETIME), SHE SHOOK HER HEAD AND SAID, "OH, I DON'T KEEP UP WITH THAT STUFF"...... ......... ....
SHE ALSO VOTES!
I USED TO WORK IN TECHINICAL SUPPORT FOR A 24/7 CALL CENTER. ONE DAY I GOT A CALL FROM AN INDIVIDUAL WHO ASKED WHAT HOURS THE CALL CENTER WAS OPEN. I TOLD HIM, "THE NUMBER YOU DIALED IS OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK." HE RESPONDED, "IS THAT EASTERN OR PACIFIC TIME?" WANTING TO END THE CALL QUICKLY, I SAID, "UH, PACIFIC" ............ ......... ......... ...
HE ALSO VOTES!
MY COLLEAGUE AND I WERE EATING OUR LUNCH IN OUR CAFETERIA, WHEN WE OVERHEARD ONE OF THE ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANTS TALKING ABOUT THE SUNBURN SHE GOT ON HER WEEKEND DRIVE TO THE SHORE. SHE DROVE DOWN IN A CONVERTIBLE, BUT "DIDN'T THINK SHE'D GET SUNBURNED BECAUSE THE CAR WAS MOVING."
............ ......... ......SHE ALSO VOTES!
MY SISTER HAS A LIFESAVING TOOL IN HER CAR. IT'S DESIGNED TO CUT THROUGHT A SEAT BELT IF SHE GETS TRAPPED. SHE KEEPS IT IN THE TRUNK....... ......... ......... ......
MY SISTER ALSO VOTES!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
I WAS HANGING OUT WITH A FRIEND WHEN WE SAW A WOMAN WITH A NOSE RING ATTACHED TO AN EARRING BY A CHAIN. MY FRIEND SAID, "WOULDN'T THE CHAIN RIP OUT EVERY TIME SHE TURNED HER HEAD?" I EXPLAINED THAT A PERSON'S NOSE AND EAR REMAIN THE SAME DISTANCE APART NO MATTER WHICH WAY THE HEAD IS TURNED------ --------- --------- ---
MY FRIEND ALSO VOTES!
I COULDN'T FIND MY LUGGAGE AT THE AIRPORT BAGGAGE AREA. SO I WENT TO THE LOST LUGGAGE OFFICE AND TOLD THE WOMAN THERE THAT MY BAGS NEVER SHOWED UP. SHE SMILED AND TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE SHE WAS A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL; AND I WAS IN GOOD HANDS. "NOW," SHE ASKED ME, "HAS YOUR PLANE ARRIVED YET?"
...SHE ALSO VOTES!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD.....
I HAVE FOUND AT MY AGE GOING BRA-LESS PULLS ALL THE WRINKLES OUT OF MY FACE.
STATISTICS SHOW THAT AT THE AGE OF SEVENTY, THERE ARE FIVE WOMEN TO EVERY MAN. ISN'T THAT AN IRONIC TIME FOR A GUY TO GET THOSE ODDS?
MIDDLE AGE IS WHEN IT TAKES LONGER TO REST THAN TO GET TIRED.
BY THE TIME A MAN IS WISE ENOUGH TO WATCH HIS STEP, HE'S TOO OLD TO GO ANYWHERE.
MIDDLE AGE IS WHEN YOU HAVE STOPPED GROWING AT BOTH ENDS, AND HAVE BEGUN TO GROW IN THE MIDDLE.
A MAN HAS REACHED MIDDLE AGE WHEN HE IS CAUTIONED TO SLOW DOWN BY HIS DOCTOR INSTEAD OF BY THE POLICE.
MIDDLE AGE IS HAVING A CHOICE OF TWO TEMPTATIONS AND CHOOSING THE ONE THAT WILL GET YOU HOME EARLIER.
YOU KNOW YOUR INTO MIDDLE AGE WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT CAUTION IS THE ONLY THING YOU CARE TO EXERCISE.
AT MY AGE, "GETTING A LITTLE ACTION" MEANS I DON'T NEED TO TAKE A LAXATIVE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT AVOIDING TEMPTATION. AS YOU GROW OLDER, IT WILL AVOID YOU.
THE AGING PROCESS COULD BE SLOWED DOWN IF IT HAD TO WORK ITS WAY THROUGH CONGRESS.
YOUR GETTING OLD WHEN YOUR SPOUSE GIVES UP SEX FOR LENT, AND YOU DONT KNOW TILL THE 4TH OF JULY.
THE CARDIOLOGIST' S DIET: IF IT TASTES GOOD, SPIT IT OUT.
DOCTOR TO PATIENT: I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS -- THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE NOT A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
IT'S HARD TO BE NOSTALGIC WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT: BEING OF SOUND MIND, I SPENT ALL MY MONEY.
REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK:
It’s an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.