Saturday funnies late edition.
She Was So Blonde That........ ........
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She sold the car for gas money!
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 B.C. - HERE, EAT THIS ROOT.
1000 A.D. - THAT ROOT IS HEATHEN. HERE, SAY THIS PRAYER.
1850 A.D. - THAT PRAYER IS SUPERSTITION. HERE, DRINK THIS POTION.
1940 A.D. - THAT POTION IS SNAKE OIL. HERE, SWALLOW THIS PILL.
1985 A.D. - THAT PILL IS INEFFECTIVE. HERE, TAKE THIS ANTIBIOTIC.
2000 A.D. - THAT ANTIBIOTIC IS ARTIFICIAL. HERE, EAT THIS ROOT.
Man, Mule, Dog or Monkey?
God created the donkey and told him: "You will work tirelessly from sun-up to sundown, carrying heavy bags on your back. You will eat grass, you will have intelligence, and you will live for 50 years. You will be a DONKEY."
The donkey answered: "I'll be a donkey, but 50 years is too long. Please give me only 20 years."
God created the dog and told him: "You will look after Man's
house. You will be his best friend and will eat what ever he gives you. You will live for 25 years and you will be a DOG."
The dog answered: "I'll be a dog, but 25 years is too long. Please
give me only 10 years."
God created the monkey and told him: "You will jump from branch to branch. You will do silly things and be amuseing. You will live for 20 years and you will be a MONKEY."
The monkey answered: "I'll be a monkey, but 20 years is too long.
Please give me only 10 years."
Finally God created Man and told him: "You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth. You will use your intelligence to control other animals; you will dominate the world and will live for 21 years."
And the Man answered: "God, I will be Man, but living 21 years is not enough. Why not give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want, and the 10 years given up by the monkey."
After some consideration, God decided to grant man his request.
As a result, Man today lives 21 years as a man. Then he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying heavy loads. Then when his children are grown and gone, he spends 15 years looking after his house and eating whatever is given to him. Finally, when he has grown old, he retires and spends the next 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.
The Nebraska Farmer
A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. "Is yer Pa home"? The farmer asked.
No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"?
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"?
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya"? The boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.
Do not be afraid of showing your affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. Men are more helped by sympathy than by service; love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.
Time is glue that bonds a broken heart, but love is the air which dries the glue.
Never Seen That Before
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher headed out early, but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half hour late, he saw the backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that ."
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Did you hear about the politically correct country golf club? They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps. Instead, they're "stroke challenged."
Why do they call it "ejacuLATE" when for most guys, it's actually early?
"Dinner, wine, music, dancing, flowers -- he used all the moves to get me between the sheets," Jill confessed to her best friend.
Jill sighs and says, "All of them worked!"
Q. What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A. Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
A woman who works for the state of Calif. got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency. He then asked her to repeat it.
"It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up,"
he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."
There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me how to have sex!
THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX Hurry up, the game's about to start.
You're so much like your sister . . .
Your best friend does it much better.
Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
It's OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.
(phone rings) Hello? ... Oh nothing much. You? Just hanging around ...
The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate.
So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, . . . and you wonder why the ocean is so salty?
Q. What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?
A. After the first year they are only given on special occasions.
Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?
Father: She does? Wow! How do you know?
Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith.
Father: When was that?
Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.
Bubba's personals ad SW Good Ol' Boy seeks big-haired woman who enjoys campin', fishin', huntin', and goin' four-wheelin' miles from any bathroom to share tobacco-chewin' , beer-drinkin' , lyin', cussin', belchin', 'n' fartin'.
Readin' 'n' 'ritin' abilities a plus, even better if you can do math.
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
Ellen and Joe had just finished a vigorous round of passionate sex When Joe discovered that the condom he was using had come off.
After the initial panic wore off and expletives were issued, Joe, in a fit of humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing it towards Ellen's private parts yelled: "Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"
THE LADIES AT LUNCH Jill: That man at the bar keeps looking at you.
Mary: Do you mean that disreputable- looking fellow who is about to pass out in the free peanuts?
Jill: What? All of a sudden you're picky?
WOULD YOU RATHER have Bill Clinton e-mailing your daughter OR Mark Foley e-mailing your son .