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My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the
soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been,"
he sputtered. "What is it now?"
Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She
said, "No," and slammed it down.
"Who was that?"
"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.
Then it rang again. Nancy listened, said, "KitKat," and hung up.
"What now?" I asked.
"A boy plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what
her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a
The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch. "But, Mom,"
our daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat isn't my
"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant,
"You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury
of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked.
"They?re people just like you ' your equals."
"What the hell are you thinking about?" snapped the defendant. "I
don?t want to be tried by a bunch of damn thieves."
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.... by David
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.... .
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a
virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Helpful Hint #32
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: Which officer is the butt of a lot of sailor jokes?
A: The rear admiral.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Q: Why did God give politicians one more brain cell than horses?
A: So they don't poop in the 4th of July parade.
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
Weird Fact :
Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products.
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after
a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society
of America used this in an ad slogan: "MS: It's not a software
Exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have
been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the
association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford
to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's
apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction
that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.
The other is a disease.
The only thing the police had to go on was the book. It was the
one and only clue to the death of the young woman who lived alone
in the apartment above the alley.
Not a nice neighbourhood but that wasn't reason enough to be killed.
She'd been found by a friend earlier that evening.
There was some evidence of a struggle but the body was unmarked
except for a bruise on the left side of her head. Whoever did it
used the book to deliver the fatal blow. The corner was clearly
dented and some of the victim's hair was embedded in the cover.
The investigating officers concluded that it was probably a lover's
quarrel, but Chief Coltrane wasn't convinced.
"You say the book was the murder weapon?" He levelled his gaze at
the junior officers.
"That's right sir."
"She have a boyfriend?"
"Still looking, sir, but the friend says she wasn't seeing anybody
on a regular basis."
"Interesting, '' mused the Chief. He thought for a moment. "You
hotshots get the name of the book?"
The officers looked around sheepishly. Then one of them said,
"I might have it in my notes."
He took out his pad and thumbed the pages. He breathed a sigh of
relief when he found the title.
"Here it is right here, 'Mathematics 101 - An Introductory Text.'"
He shot the Chief a questioning look.
Coltrane closed his eyes and shook his head. "I was afraid of that."
The officers were puzzled. "Afraid of what?"
"A text book case," he answered, "We got us a math murderer on
Simulated office experience when working from home...
Get up every day at 6am, iron a shirt, put on your suit. Walk half
a mile to the bus stop, stand in cold for 20 minutes. Get a bus to
somewhere miles away. Get off, stand in cold for 20 minutes again
and get bus back. Walk half mile back to house. It should now be
Decorate your 'office' with a stained carpet (preferably one made
of carpet tiles,) a strip light that flickers and a vending machine
which serves not-even-close- to-being- coffee.
Place a proxy between yourself and the web, pointlessly block any
sites that may have useful information relevant to your job. Only
allow yourself to unblock them after a week-long argument with
yourself via email.
If you smoke, don't do it in the building. Stand outside (in the
cold) and move at least 100 yards up the street, to avoid tarnishing
your company's corporate image.
Have daily meetings, where the main topic should always be how to
cut down on meetings so that actual work can be done.
At lunchtime, take another cold 20 minute walk to the local
newsagent, who will be happy to supply you with a disturbingly
cold sandwich from their fridge. The only one left will be egg.
Walk back to work, eating your sandwich and smoking at the same
time, for efficiency and to hide the taste of the sandwich.
Every 10 minutes, pick up the phone and say 'Oh, you should have
gone through to reception. Let me put you through... Oh, they're
not answering. Can I take a message?' After this, scrawl something
on a post-it note and wander around the 'office' for 10 minutes
to simulate finding the message recipient's desk.
At the end of the day, leave the office and perform the bus
One day Saint Peter approached Cecil B. DeMille, who was resting
on a cloud "You know," Said St. Peter, "Things are pretty dull
sometimes up in heaven. God was thinking it would be a good idea
if you make a movie."
"A movie?" squawked De Mille, "But I've retired, All I want is to
get some rest."
"Think about is, though," urged Peter. "You could have a script
by Shakespear, sets designed by Leonardo da Vinci, and all the
actors we have!"
Intrigued, De Mille said, "Ok. Sounds great, I'll get right
to work."St. Peter clapped his hands with delight, but his mood quickly
"There is one thing, however," St. Peter said, shifting from
one foot to the other, "There's this girl who's a close friend
of God's...."I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda
comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend,
Carol just brought home from the store.
"You got that right ... I almost bought their elevator 'cause it
was marked down."
This young woman brought her child into Children's Hospital for
a routine checkup. On the records, the nurse saw that the child's
first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude,
but wanting to know why this woman would name her child this,
the nurse asked her how Urine got her name. The woman explained,
"Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in the special
nursery. She was real sick and they didn't know if she would make
it. I couldn't decide what to name her, but the nurses said they
would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already
named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said
'Please save Urine,' so I knew that they had named my baby."
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president,
Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in
his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago
when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds
of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the
lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his
wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays
in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had
second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were
a vice president of the hotel."
"Vice President Dick Cheney is donating $2 million to the
cardiovascular center that treats him. Actually for him it's more
of an advance." --Conan O'Brien
"Today President Bush said the United States is still under
the threat of attack. Then he went back on vacation. I don't
think President Bush really understands the severity of this
situation. Like when they first told Bush about the terrorist
plot against the airlines, he said, 'Let me guess, snakes on a
plane?'" --Jay Leno
"This weekend in Los Angeles, California it's the Emmy Awards. I'm
not going this year. Last year was embarrassing. William Shatner
and I showed up wearing the same toupee."
"The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey
is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has
a margin of error of 100 %." --Conan O'Brien
"Changing 'french fries' to 'freedom fries' was arguably the
Republican Congress' greatest accomplishment. Democrats would have
called them 'surrender fries'." --Stephen Colbert
A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank
of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me
ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look
for the pole with a worm on both ends."
The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem.
Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."
The secret to enjoying a good wine is:
1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Bill was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he went in, he noticed
two pretty girls looking at him.
"Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with
himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a
girl had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when
you came in, they were speaking German."