Friday's Funnies

Missing Husband
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall , blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
..~...~...~...~...~..
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to
get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave
him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells, "You idiot. You can't treat a cough with a
laxative."

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can. Look at him, he's
afraid to cough.
.~...~...~...~...~...~
A Web hosting company Tech joined the army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I worked at Express Technologies, the company that hosts www.ThatsComedy.com," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see...." The Tech checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off! "Well," the Tech said, writhing in pain, "The bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end! "

Funny Thoughts

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?

If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?

@>`~~~~>,~~~
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"
~~< * >~~
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter
and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing
patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her
boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I
have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him. "Oh, sure. Is it in
someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
~~< * >~~
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard she
sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Jacobs, has got the biggest tool, in the
whole damn school!" She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?" This kid in the
back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Jacobs." "Well, Jimmy, your staying
after school! The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in,
she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to
ADVERTISE."
~~< * >~~
In our local department store, a salesperson was waiting on a young
woman whose recent wedding we had both attended. The new bride asked to
see twin-bed sheets. The clerk bit her lip as she rummaged through the
packages on the shelf. Finally she burst out, "It's none of my business,
but twin beds? You're practically still on your honeymoon!" It was the
saleswoman's turn to blush as the bride picked out one package of
sheets.
"You're taking it for granted that we have two twin beds," she replied


Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says
to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there anything that
you always wanted but never got?" "Yeh, there is", said grandpa. "What
is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you." "Well, grandma, I
always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa. "A blow-job is what you want,
then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you
one," said grandma. Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the
plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their wives
practiced on Ketchup bottles." Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day
tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed." The following night
grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached
grandpa, grabbed his penis with her left hand and began punching the top
of grandpa's penis with her right hand.

Two lesbians walk into a brothel. They ask for the youngest woman in the
joint. The Madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time
with them. The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest
girl here." The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."
~~< * >~~
From BLUE COLLAR TV:

Things you don't want to hear from another person the
first time s/he sees you naked:

Just how MANY times were you circumsized?

If that thing moves, I swear, I'm gonna shoot it!

On second thought, I think I WILL have that drink.

I'm no expert, but shouldn't there be only two of
those?

I don't believe I've ever seen a pair of those that
long!

Wow! Smoking really DOES stunt your growth, doesn't
it?

Isn't that supposed to be on the other side?

That reminds me! Who's up for shrimp?

A Mississippi gal, Daisy Mae, was involved in a serious crash; there's
blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag her out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you have a concussion.
Daisy Mae: Ok
Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up
Daisy Mae: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!

@>`~~~~>,~~~

One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our
blonde female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine,
where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff
hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging
out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying
awful hard to keep a straight face.
Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the
drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom???""Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk
before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"
By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep
from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic
sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been
played
and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a dead-serious
voice:
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it
either?"

A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The woman says that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does have a job that the woman can have but the pay isn't much and the job is boring, the woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to start at 8:00 the next day. The next morning at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see for himself. They head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's legs. After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to the employee and says "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two TEST TICKLES
@>`~~~~>,~~~
I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one
of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside
the road in tears.

I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell
happened to you?"

Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible! " He
pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.

"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy
another car," I level-headedly advised.

"Look inside the car," Tim moaned.

After looking, I continued to console him.
"Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde."

Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly,
"Look inside her fucking mouth!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of
beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four
dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to
the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept
that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects
his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a
neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
~~< * >~~
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering, "Take me Paddy. Take me now!" Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it. Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready. Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!" Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.