Wednesday's White Trash

A rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was
having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and
flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to
jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the
gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on
the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let
it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed
out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says,
"Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How
about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Look" says the extremely beautiful landlady, who loves a bet! "If any
one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you
shag me!"
Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman
"Where do you live?" "M M M M Man Man Manch ..."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman,
"Okay - where do you live, Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.
"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb ..."
"Nope. You lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy,where do you
live?"
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh, bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him
by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to
her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for
glory, and then - right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams
out: " ....... D D D Derry!!"


A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up
to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles
through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago
in early June."
"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"
The guy looks through his notebook again and says,
"Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?"
The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes,
I was in room 1368."
The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who
stayed in room 1369?"
The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes,
I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with
Mrs. Wentworth?"
The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I
had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I
don't like it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and
says, "You know what? Neither did I!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Two redneck boys, Bodie and Earl, are sitting in their Texas class room
one day when they realize they can see straight up their teacher's skirt
and she wasn't wearing any underwear.
Bodie says to Earl, "What do you suppose those little brown things
are? They look like raisins. She musta had raisins at lunch and dropped
some in her lap."
Earl says "Naw - them's dungballs from the way women wipe their
asses."
"Nope - them's raisins."
Finally, they approach the teacher and ask her. "Earl says them things
around your snatch is raisins and I say they're dungballs from
the way you wipe your ass. Which one's right?"
"Neither, replied the teacher kindly. "They're flies."
~~< * >~~
The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife. The
owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them
himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of course, the
elderly man noticed.
"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife
that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you
double for the car.
But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"
"OK, agreed!"
The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did
the same.
Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the
agency owner.
Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in
half.
"What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner



A man met a beautiful lady and he decided
he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything
about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn
about each other as we go along.
So she consented, and they were married
and went on a honeymoon to a very nice
resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool
when he got up off his towel, climbed up to
the 10-meter board and did a two and a half
tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly,
almost without a ripple.This was followed by a
three rotations in jackknife position before he
again straightened out and cut the water like
a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came
back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving
champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more
about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started
doing laps. She was moving so fast that the
froth from her pushing off at one end of the
pool would hardly be gone before she was already
touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even
butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in
mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down
on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an
Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and
I worked both sides of the Ohio River."


Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.
She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the HELL is a piñata?!"

~~< * >~~
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having
trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's
your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think
I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to
the principal's
office. While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the
principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells
her, "I think Harry
can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask
him some questions." The principal and Harry both
agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of
that I have only
two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you
have but I do not
have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such
a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man
steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a
T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth
hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft
and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and
before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a
woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and
ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and
told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
questions wrong.....

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
~~< * >~~
Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating. "
Her friend replied, "Don''t do anything. Just ignore it."
The first girl said, "I can''t."
Her friend, "Why can''t you ignore it?"
The first one says, "Because he''s using my hand!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?". "I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

As a math teacher, I was grading a test on area and volume.
Apparently, one student hadn't been paying attention. In response to
the question "What is the volume of a box three feet wide, seven feet
high, & two feet deep? He had written, "Really loud."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated
when he returned from his third voyage?" One student said, "Lots of
people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time." Sternly,
the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!" The student
brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it
read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his
third voyage."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept
sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to
drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized
that he was creating a bottomless pit!

One day a co-worker told my husband, Cary, that she was going home
early because she didn't feel well. Since Cary was just getting over
something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't
something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I hope not.
She has morning sickness!"

The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is
complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have
no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two
weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those
pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor. "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Golden Oldie but still funny
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a
beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile and said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of- a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't
need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought for a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my
bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and
he had no health insurance.