Tuesday's Giggles

Weird Fact of the Day:
Kermit the Frog has 11 points on his collar around his neck.


@>`~~~~>,~~~
A man went to see the local doctor and complained because
his wife was having too many little bastards; she was hav-
ing at least one per year. He said, "Doc, ya gotta help me,
I can't gets enough welfare or steal enough to feeds em all."

The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked
up the problem. He told his patient the book said if a
man's bitch was having too many brats, he should remove
the man's right testicle. He then administered anesthesia
with a beer bottle and took out his pocket knife and per- formed the
surgery.
Three years later the man was back at the doctor's office complaining
the surgery had failed; she was still having at least one per year. The
wise doctor took his book back down and studied the problem.
The doctor said, "Well, the book says if your wife is hav-
ing too many brats to remove your right testicle, we've
done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the
left testicle." Once again he got his beer bottle and his pocket knife
and performed surgery.
Three years later, the same man was back complaining the surgery had
once again failed. The doctor was quite per- plexed and got his book
back down.
After several minutes of study he told his patient, "It
says here if a man's wife is having too many brats to
remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too
many brats, remove his left testicle. We've done all that.
The next page says if the man's wife still has too many
brats after you have removed both testicles, you've done castrated the
wrong man!"


'Years ago' when I was a child I used to go to the grocery store with
my Mom. Barrels sat around the store filled with pickles, loose
crackers, and huge containers from which lard was dispensed. This was
a small country store. One morning my mom and I went to the store to
purchase a few groceries. In the store was an elderly woman asking to
buy three pounds of lard and have it put into an empty pail she was
carrying. The son of the owner was minding the store while the
father went to lunch. He stated, "Miss Abigail, your pail will only
hold two pounds." Miss Abigail looked at him as if he were simple
minded and said, " Where is your daddy? He has been putting three
pounds of lard in this pail for the last five years!"
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy
gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please
make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on,
"Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go
play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to
make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says,
"Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your
brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no.'" The little girl says,
"Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why
do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied,
"Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A woman told a marriage counsellor that her husband's complaint that
he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. "He comes in the
house with muddy feet," she said, "then tracks mud across my clean
floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself
comfortable on my best furniture."
>`~~~~>,~~~ @
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following
hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path in Central
Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a
strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what
would you do?" The police-officer-in-training replied without
hesitation, "I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
You know you are from Louisiana !!!!!
When:
1. Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside.
2. You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads.
3. You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at
crawfish boils.
4. When you give directions you use "lakeside and riverside" not
north & south.
5. Your ancestors are buried above the ground.
6. You get on a green trolley car to go to the park and a red one to
the French Quarter.
7. You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco .
8. Every once in a while, you have waterfront property.
9. You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your
host says, "Don't eat the dead ones," and you know what he means.
10. You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national
holiday.
11. You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
12. Little old ladies push YOU out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
13. You leave a parade with footprints on your hands.
14. You believe that purple, green, and gold look good together.
15. And you don't think twice about eating something which has all three
of these colors. In fact, you love it.
16. Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
17. You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your
baseball team.
18. No matter where else you go in the world, you are always
disappointed in the food.
19. Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart
and you don't care because you're No. 1 on the party chart.
20. Your house payment is less than your utility bill.
21. You don't show your "pretties" during Mardi Gras.
22. You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.
23. Your grandparents are called "Maw-Maw" and "Paw-Paw."
24. Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a
football player.
25. You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun
accent in a "New Orleans-based" movie or TV show.
26. You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.
27. You're walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer.
28. When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.
29. You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the
other good places you've eaten.
30. You decorate your e-mails with purple, green, and gold.
31. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from
Louisiana.





"I've always liked the two months before Mike Tyson fights when
we got to listen to every idiot like my 5'9" brother say, 'I'd
fight him for a million dollars.' I bet you would. And then
twenty years from now we'd get your follow-up interview on CNN,
'I'm eating solid foods again. And I can squeeze the ball!'"
- Kathleen Madigan
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude
beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while
the son played in the water.
After a while the boy came up to his mother and said,
"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and
said,"Mommy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than daddy's."
The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber
they are."
So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran
back to his mother and said,
"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw,
and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Because they needed some help around the house, the minister's wife
placed an ad for a manservant.
Around 8 a.m. the next morming a nicely dressed young man appears at
their front door.
"Can you fix breakfast by 7 a.m. every day?" the minister asks the young
man. "Well...... I guess I can," came the bewildered reply.
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the
grass, and polish the silver also." the minister continued.
"Gee, sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's
going to be that much work, you can count me out right now!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Waiter to blonde customer: "How do you want me to slice your pizza? Into six or twelve slices?"
Blonde: "SIX!!!! Gosh sakes, I could *never* eat 12 slices!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
One Liners....

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.

Don't play stupid with me.... I'm better at it!

Too many freaks, not enough circuses!

The more I learn, the less I understand.

Do unto others, then run.

I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a
vacuum cleaner!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave
him a huge stack of old bills.

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup
is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

I used to be a heavy gambler but now I just make mental bets;
that's how I lost my mind.



DRIVE AROUND, PLEASE

One night J. D. Roberts, an agent for the Drug Enforcement Agency, was
involved in a raid on a drug house that was doing a brisk business in
marijuana sales. He and the other agents were dressed in black "battle"
fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on them. Local uniformed
officers in marked police cruisers also took part in the raid.

Roberts and his team easily entered the house and apprehended the
suspect. Several hundred pounds of marijuana were confiscated without
incident. Within minutes the officers were collecting evidence and
finishing up at the scene.

As Roberts started out the front door, he noticed a pickup truck parked
behind one of the marked police cruisers in front of the house. Two
long-haired individuals got out of the pickup and strolled past the
police cruisers parked in the driveway, then walked up to Roberts and
his partner.

"Hey man, he still selling pot?" Roberts looked at his partner, then
back at the guy. "Yeah, he is. Just go around and knock on the back
door." "Cool." The two men nodded and walked on.

Roberts watched in amazement as the two individuals sauntered around to
the rear of the house. Roberts radioed the officers still inside the
house that they had customers at the back door.

The uniformed officers inside quickly hid while one plainclothes
detective answered the door. The new customers asked where the old
owner was, and the officer explained that the owner had stepped out but
that he could help them.

They requested a fifty-dollar bag of marijuana. The officer went to the
next room, grabbed a handful from the four hundred pounds of pot they
had just confiscated and stuffed it into a plastic bag. The two
customers were ecstatic. They thanked the officer for his generosity.

Roberts and his partner were still in the drive way, still wearing the
black battle fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on their chests,
when the two customers headed back to their pickup, oblivious to the
uniformed officers and the two marked police cruisers in the driveway.

Finally, Roberts walked up to the two satisfied customers and arrested
them. The agents reconfiscated the dope and impounded the pickup - just
as another prospective customer pulled up.

Roberts decided this was too easy to ignore. "We moved the two cruisers
and started putting the impounded vehicles in the back. We make about
fourteen more sales and arrests that night. By the time we were
through, the backyard was filled with cars. It was the darnedest
impromptu sting I've ever seen."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
INVESTMENT VOCABULARY

EBITDA: Earnings Before I Tricked Damned Auditor
EBIT: Earnings Before Irregularities & Tampering
CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
NAV: Normal Anderson Valuation
FRS: Fantasy Reporting Standards
P/E: Parole Entitlement
EPS: Eventual Prison Sentence

Bull Market: A random market movement causing
an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market: A 6-18 month period when the kids
get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and
the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high
and selling low.

Value Investing: The are of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their
pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker: What my broker has made me.

"BUY-BUY": A flight attendant making market
recommendations as you step off the airplane.

Standard & Poor: My life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split
your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers
his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper
and cigarettes.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it
disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor
sucker for $240. per share.

Windows 2000: What you jump out of when you're
the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240./share.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now
locked up in a nut house.

Profit: Religious guy who talks to G-d.