White Trash Wednesday Again
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending hiscompany's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker,but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol, so he had more than usual.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass ofwater on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees hisclothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eyestaring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hotbreakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.His son is also at the table, eating.Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
~~< * >~~
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years togther. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is... and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said dad, "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said dad, "we're just glad you were able to come."
When the daughter arrived she said: "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished their dessert dad said: "There's something your mother and I have been wanting to tell you for a long time. You see, we were both very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but somehow we just hever found the time to get married.
The three children all gasped and the oldest asked: "You mean we're all bastards?"
"Yes" replied dad, "and cheap ones too!"
Weird Fact of the Day:
A squash ball moving at 150 kilometers per hour has the same impact of a .22 bullet.
~~< * >~
WATER... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1
liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have
absorbed more then 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found
in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, (or rum,
whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go
through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and
be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am
doing it as public service.
Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer
service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on
her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the
monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's
somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections. "
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or
report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . .
the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"
Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given) After they get the fax ...
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129,
Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
What fun it is dealing with "customer service"
A guy walks into a pharmacy.
He says to the pharmacist, "I've heard a lot about that
viagra stuff. Does it really work."
The pharmacist says, "Yeah, it works great."
The guy asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
Pharmacist says, "Well, if you took enough I suppose you could."
Thought I would share something my son put together
a few months back. He loves the game kingdom Hearts
2 and he downloaded clips and music and came up with
this. He is only 14 but when he gets older he wants to
design video games. I think I has a good start at it so
far.Here is the link to the video he did. Hope you like it!
Weird Fact of the Day:
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What's up, Dad?
Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of
"scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get
scratched as a result of this contact? Son: Well, yes, I
suppose you could look at it that way.
Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?
Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I
understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son: From The President of the United States.
Thank you Bill Clinton..... ...Look what you have done for our society!
Jerry Falwell's New Crusade
The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from
the Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of
gayness." His reasoning is because the character is purple (a
"gay" color), has an antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol)
and he carries a purse. However, as I see it, Falwell's work is
far from over.
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-
Toes,". The show's theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have
a gay old time," he wears a little orange dress with triangles
on it and he hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.
Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a
hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag and
he loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out
Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting,
speaks with an obvious lisp.
VELMA (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: She always tries to sit next
to Daphne in the van. She sports an
obvious butch haircut. She has broad
shoulders. She is always wearing a
thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks
and she never once attempted to shag
Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears
a sailor suit even though he hasn't been on
a ship in years, frequently does little
sailor dances, dates a flat-chested trans-
vestite named Olive Oyl and his best
friend is named Wimpy.
BATMAN & ROBIN
Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy
Wonder," Batman's real name is "Bruce,"
they both wear tights and they both are
in great shape.
Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly
voice, she always wears pants and not
dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts
girls, she plays a mean game of football,
she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie,
she always wears comfortable shoes and her nickname is "Sir."
After the miraculous landing of the stricken Air Blue plane at Los Angeles,
reporters interviewed the passengers. The first one they talked to was a
rabbi. "Your name, sir?"
"I am Rabbi Jacob Schwartz from Santa Monica"
"How did you feel when you became aware of the plane's problems?" the
"Well, I was a bit apprehensive, but I put my faith in God, and we were
spared," he said.
The next person off the plane was wearing a collar. The reporter also asked
him his name, "Father Daniel McCurdy of the Los Angeles Archdiocese" "and
how did you feel as the plane circled about for three hours?"
"To be perfectly honest, I was pretty nervous about it, but I offered my
prayers to the Lord, and He answered them."
The next person off the plane also was wearing a collar. "Your name, father?
"My name is William Jackson."
"Are you also with the LA Archdiocese?"
"No, I am an Ecopalian."
The reporter said, "Ecopalian??? I have never heard of that denomination"
"Coming down on that plane just scared the piss out of me."