The Joy of Thursday is........Friday.
I have tried several of them and they do work.
*Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work*
~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank
you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,
I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that
my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange
for helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly,
I will be in late, or early.
Two blondes were skiing at Aspen, when they got into a debate
about the best way to ski down a particular hill.
"The best way is down the left side of the course, where it's
nearly all powder," said the first blonde.
"No, the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is
packed tight," argued the other.
"Look," said the first blonde. "Let's get another opinion. There's
a guy dragging a sled up the hill. Let's go ask him."
The second blonde agreed, and in a few minutes the two caught up
with the guy.
"Excuse me," said the first blonde. "I say the best way to ski
down this hill is to take the left side of the course, where it's
nearly all powder, and my friend thinks the best way is straight
down the middle, where the snow is packed tight. Can you tell us
"Sorry, ladies," said the man, "but there's no use in asking
me. I'm a tobogganist. "
"Oh," said the second blonde. "Well, in that case, can I get a
pack of Marlboros?"
TOP 14 SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING
14. Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
13. pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.
12. Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
11. Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
10. New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to
9. That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.
8. Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to
7. The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
6. "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.
5. You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son
4. Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.
3. Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro
Man's chest x-ray.
2. You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning...
1. The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin
Williams a run for his money.
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally
written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy. "Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent With that, Joe dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Go on home to Boston." "Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?" The agent replied, "I recognized the picture of Ted Kennedy in the middle
1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any.
6. Lipton Tea use brewed Shiny Hair
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12 Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
15. Stinky feet - Jello!
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corns starch and watch them slide on.
25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!
26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!
27. Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of <>Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak.
28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!
29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter!
34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked-on food to adhere to it. So ak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!
35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
36. Dirty grout - Listerine
37. Stains on clothes - Colgate
38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup
39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!
40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water.
42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Green, Thursday = Red, Friday = White, and Saturday = Yellow. So if tod ay was Thursday, you would want red ! twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue - Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very eas y to remember I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.