Click and Comment Monday

Killer Biscuits

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and they went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
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Squeeze A Lemon!
The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it. Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, I'd like to try the bet.
After the laughter died down, the host said, Okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?
The man replied, I work for the IRS.



A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
************
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
For bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse.
The little boy hated it because it was hot in the
Summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and
The boy determined that one day he would push that
Outhouse into the water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
The little boy decided today was the day to push the
Outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
Pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek
And floated away.
That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down.
Knowing he was in trouble, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the
Creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
Said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
Into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
Father wasn't in that cherry tree!"



Two voices - male and female - obviously on a plane. "I think
everyone's asleep, lets go"
Sound of steps.
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in first"
"It a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on" Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain
speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're
doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. .. Now put
those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"
*********
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase... "
*********
Weird Fact :
When you hear someone uttering Oh-Oh while flushing the toilet, it is already too late.


Headache Man Hit the Nail on the Head

PORTLAND, Ore. - An Oregon man has made it into medical journals
by surviving with 12 nails fired into his skull in an unsuccessful
suicide attempt. The case of the unidentified 33-year-old was
reported in the Journal of Neurosurgery, in which Dr. Alexander
West described the treatment, Sky News reported. He said the man
came to the emergency department complaining about a headache. The
nails were not visible, but showed up clearly in x-rays, the report
said. At first the man said he had had an accident with the nail
gun, but then said he was high on methamphetamines when he tried to
take his life. Surgeons removed the nails with needle-nosed pliers
and a drill, and the man survived with no serious lasting effects,
the journal said.
~~~~~~~~~
The Internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices,
it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people
take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a
lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're
dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use
it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to
think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in
big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions,
it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on
earth did I do that?" Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They
think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but
think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about
it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.


Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed on all varieties of alcohol containers
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your bra and panties.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are only whispering.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a retard.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again! that you love them.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers and ex-wives are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, leaving you unable to account for large chunks of time.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
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WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcohol may! Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode