Sunday funnies

Jill was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices
into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut
down the machine by using the power button. She phoned for computer
help and mentioned the power strip to tech support. The tech told
her to flip it off. Jill said, "OK, I gave it the finger. I feel
much better. Now what do I do?"

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Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter.
One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit.
That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out
of his room and entered the princess' room.
She said, "What are you doing in my room. Leave immediately or I
will call my father"
The Prince said, "Don't be frightened. I am not going to hurt you.
You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you."
He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere.
Soon he had gone where no man had gone before. They were
enthusiastically doing the nasty.
After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.
She said, "Wow! That was fun. Let's do it again."
So he climbed back in the saddle for seconds.
Then again rolled over and relaxed.
She said, "That was so good. We have to do it again."
He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to
the occasion.
He then rolled over and again tried to relax.
She said, "Come on, let's do it again."
The prince said, "Leave me alone or I will call your father"
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I went to Office Depot yesterday to buy some paper and pencils,
and found that the store was in the same place that it was the
last time I was there It wasn't surprising that it hadn't moved,
because Office Depot is a stationery store. (Steve Jacobson)
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A prospective groom had bartered with a local villager for the
privilege of marrying the man's daughter. The groom agreed on
a price of 10 head of cattle, and the swap was set for the next
morning at a nearby riverbank. As the bride and her father arrived
at the riverbank, they noticed the groom and his cattle were on
the opposite side of the river. The father grumbled, "He doesn't
even know which side his bride is bartered on."
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Warren slid his reader glasses down his nose and peered over the
top. "Mary, what's a four letter word for a cussed actor?" Without
looking up Mary tossed back "Bruce Dern." The two sat in silence for
another five minutes. Warren piped up again. "What's a six-letter
_expression of surprise in the U.K.?" Mary replied. "Blimey! And
what are you doing over there?" "Just doin' this stinking cussword
puzzle."


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As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI.
They said on the news that if he is convicted he could face up to
14 days in the "Thunderdome" . (Jay Leno)
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United Airlines has posted its first quarterly profit
since 2000. The airline plans to pass on the good news to its
customers. Starting in September, passengers will receive a second
package of peanuts. (Alan Ray)
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While handing a "25 Cents Off" coupon to the supermarket clerk at
the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed the clerk's
hand and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The
cashier looked distressed, so the woman said, "That's okay,
it's in coupon-heaven now. That's where coupons go when they
die." With a look of sadness on her face, the cashier responded,
"But only the redeemed ones!"
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When three nuns die they all go up to heaven. God says they
must each answer 1 question to get in, to the first nun he asks
"Who were the first man and woman on earth?" and the nun replies
"Adam and Eve" and goes in. To the second nun he asks "Where did
Adam and Eve live?" and she replies "In the garden of Eden" and
goes in. And to the third nun he asks "What did Eve say to Adam
when they first met?" and the nun said, "Lord that's a hard one"
and God said "Correct you can go in"



A nurse at the hospital received a call from an anxious
patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar
today." The caller said. "Are you light-headed? " The nurse
asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
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While taking down the vitals for a soon-to-be mom, the nurse asked
how much she weighed. "I really don't know," she said. "Well, more
or less," prompted the nurse. "More, I guess," she answered sadly.
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I'm not one of those conspiracy nuts but don't you think it's
possible that the National Cemetery at Arlington is all just a
big government plot? (Gary Hallock)
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My six-year-old son and I were waiting at the curb to cross
the street on the way home from Sunday school. The cars were
speeding by. Dean looked up and asked, "Don't these people know
that Presbyterians have the right of way? " (Elaine Wilcox)

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A lady comes into a crowded church a bit late and rushes over to a
pew and asks, "Is this seat saved?" The man sitting there replied,
"No, but we are praying for it." (Bree Schultz)
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think
is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply
replied, "No peer pressure."


My friend and his father were the biggest New England Patriots
fans you'd ever meet. So much so, that they both painted up their
faces and chests for every game, and NEVER wore a shirt.

This year, unfortunately, his dad died. They had a beautiful
funeral service, but decided to keep his cremated remains instead
of a more standard burial.

Well, as my friend still has the two Seasons Tickets they've held
for so long, he thought he'd bring his dad - well, at least his
ashes - to one last game, but was refused entry when he tried to
explain the glass urn to the guards at the gate.

Really pissed off at the Patriots' organization for not letting
him in, he called me to come use the ticket with him, explaining,
"Boy, it's really a sad state of affairs when you can't take a
bottle of pop to the game with you." (By Paul Benoit)

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"What time does the game start?" "2 PM" "Dang it. All I brought
was an AM radio." (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
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Refrigerate: To give someone the cold shoulder - again `(B. C. :
Johnny Hart)
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I'd love to kiss my kids good night but I can't stay up that late
any more. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
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Huge numbers of people had gathered on Mount Olympus to watch
a football match between the gods and mortals. As the teams
ran out on to the pitch, the manager of the mortals asked the
manager of the gods, "Who's that character that's half human and
half horse?" "Oh," replied the gods' manager, "that's our centaur
forward." (Brian Elliot/Reader' s Digest)


While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency
room, I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I
usually refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I
rushed into a patient's room, and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."
"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all go on a gameshow. The host
says, "Whoever can keep a straight face and not laugh after being
told 100 joke will win the prize!" So a very funny comedian comes
on stage and starts telling jokes. Soon the redhead laughs. She is
disqualified. Next the brunette laughs. She is disqualified. The
blonde makes it to the end of the 100 jokes without laughing.
"Congratulations! " says the host, "You win a years supply of
popcorn and soda and a brand new house! " Suddenly the blonde
starts laughing. "Why are you laughing?" asks the host. "I just
got the 1st joke!" she exclaims.



When Nick's wife had her second child, she purchased Nick a blue T-
shirt for Father's day with big white letters "NTSD" on the front.
Her friend Carol asked her one day what the letters meant. She
replied, "Nick thinks it means 'Nick's The Special Dad.' Actually,
it stands for 'Not The Sperm Donor.'"
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Incumbency is a powerful weapon in electoral politics. You all
remember Gary Condit admitted an affair, was under suspicion for
maybe even killing his intern, still considered running for re-
election. James Traficant from Ohio thought about running for re-
election from the prison cell he was sitting in. It's tough to lose.
So you're, for example, a respected, three-term sitting senator
who was once his party's vice presidential nominee -- the list
of things that you would need to do to lose your party's primary
starts with strangling a kitten in front of children in wheelchairs
and gets worse from there. That's what made last night's results
so stunning. Sen. Joseph Lieberman was defeated in Connecticut' s
Democratic primary, losing to political newcomer Ned Lamont who
appears to be from the Steve Forbes school of non-blinkiness. But
the real story was not the unblinking, yet gleeful winner but sore
Loserman if you will who seemed blissfully unaware of the reality
of the situation. (Jon Stewart)
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Last week I invited Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman to come on my
show and rebut his challenger Ned Lamont who was a guest here on the
show. We went to extraordinary lengths to make sure the senator felt
welcome. But folks, he turned us down, which I assume is the reason
he lost yesterday's Democratic primary. Take note Congressmen who
will not talk to me, I'm sure your challengers will. Fair warning.
Senator Lieberman I want you to know that even though you lost,
here at the 'Report' we will always have a seat for you in audience.
(Stephen Colbert)


Will Ferrell's comedy Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
took in $47 million to win the weekend box office race. Half of the
people who saw the movie thought that Ferrell's character was a real
racer... of course NASCAR fans also think racing is a real sport.
(Jake Novak)
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Gloria was a woman of violent contrasts: her navel-white, soft,
and desirable, was an innie, while her car, black, swift, and
powerful, was an Audi. (Brian W. Holmes)

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My 4-year-old son, Bobby, recently started pre-school. One day after
school I asked him to hang up his jacket in his closet. He said,
"I can't." I told him, "But you hang it up in school." His reply
was, "But we have "hookers" in our classroom." His teacher was as
hysterical as I was when she heard it.

"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just
received a dose of radiation!" "What does that mean?" asked the
worried young man. "It's serious," replied the technician. "All
your children will be lawyers!"