Thursday's not the news

Johnny was at his first day of school. The
teacher advised the class to
start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and
instructed them to put
their right hands over their hearts and repeat
after him.
He looked around the room as he started the
recitation,"I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his
eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his
buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you
hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his
hand over his heart,
the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your
heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit,
she picks me up, pats me
here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my
Grandma wouldn't
lie."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a
stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

@>`~~~~>,~~~

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some
advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Ten years," she replied.


New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day
I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said
to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not
the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's
my husband - the fat one."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
Up to 75% of people who try cocaine will become addicted to it. Only one out of four people who try to quit will be able to without help.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were
in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what
they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure
about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Might as
well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
@>`~~~~>,~~~

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in
the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they
overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly Mrs Murphy
realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be
eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her
husband and whispers, "Whistle, to let that young couple know that
someone can hear them."
To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody
whistled to warn me?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~

On the first evening back from overseas, my girl-friends' s
understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we
did not talk all the time.
In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her
nightgown watching us from the doorway. "If you will be a good girl
and
go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but was
very soon back again. "Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
On the first evening back from overseas, my girl-friends' s
understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we
did not talk all the time.
In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her
nightgown watching us from the doorway. "If you will be a good girl
and
go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but was
very soon back again. "Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Golf Chips
Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: I didn't realize you had played before, sir.

Golfer: Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.

Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's
distracting!
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.

Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a crime any day of the week!

Golfer: This golf is a funny game.
Caddy: It's not supposed to be.

Judge: Do you understand the nature of an oath?
Boy: Do I? I'm your caddie, remember!

Golfer: That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we started, sir.

Golfer: That's good for one long drive and a putt.
Caddy (after ball travels only one meter): And now for one hell of a
putt.

Friendly golfer (to player searching for lost ball): What sort of a ball
was
it?
Caddie (butting in): A brand new one -- never been properly hit yet!

Golfer: Caddiemaster, that boy isn't even eight years old.
Caddiemaster: Better that way, sir. He probably can't count past ten.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?
Thanks,
HarleyMan

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend
if he had heard of the new sex position called "rodeo".
His friend said, "No, what is it?"
"Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her
and cup her breasts with both hands. Then you say,
"Boy these are almost as nice as your sister's."
Then see if you can hang on for 8 seconds."



Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, ate growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says
to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell
if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It
is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker."
Wipe that smile off your face...

@>`~~~~>,~~~
HOW DOES YOUR STATE RATE?

ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.

ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.

ARIZONA ... Is the only state in the continental U.S. that doesn't follow
Daylight Savings Time.

ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.

CALIFORNIA ... Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would
rank seventh in the entire world.

COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.

CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.

DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.

FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the U.S.'s largest city.

GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the
first vat of Coca-Cola.

HAWAII ... Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in
any other state.

IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.

ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick's Day.

INDIANA ... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which get a half million letter to
Santa every year.

IOWA ... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the
only state that begins with two vowels.

KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard
of Oz.

KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.

LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally
Spanish church units.

MAINE ... It's so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New
England states combined.

MARYLAND ... The Oujia board was created in Baltimore in 1892.

MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.

MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.

MINNESOTA ... Bloomington' s Mall of America is so big, if you spent 10
minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.

MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here ...
that's how the teddy bear got its name.

MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.

MONTANA .. A sapphire from Montana is the Crown Jewels of England.

NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.

NEVADA ... Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.

NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.

NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.

NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.

NEW YORK ... Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in
Montauk.

NORTH CAROLINA ... Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.

NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of
North America.

OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900.

OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil
wells.

OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.

PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer
scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.

RHODE ISLAND ... The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened
here in 1673

SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.

SOUTH DAKOTA ... Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.

TENNESSEE ... Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio
show in the world.

TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.

UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.

VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's.

VIRGINIA ... Home of the world's largest office building ... the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other
state.

WASHINGTON D.C. ... Was the first planned capital in the world.

WEST VIRGINIA ... Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street,
laid in Charleston in 1870.

WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around
Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.

WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote.


THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I
took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's
been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this
point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, Mommy, how do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's
on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you
be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you
have to be the daddy."
"EXACTLY" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in
my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.