Early Edition Of Not News
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and to the republic for which it stands
**-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a town house, a beach front villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "I don't suppose you let her try again?"
A Californian doctor examining a young blonde woman with abdominal
pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said
that she was not sexually active, the blonde replied I'm not, I just lie there!
When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she
replied, "No. Who?"
Here are the top nine comments made by Olympics sports commentators that
they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh
my God, what have I just said?"
An attractive and overtly vain young woman was at work on day when she happened to overhear some of male coworkers gossiping ... They were whispering that ,while they all agreed that 'she' was a knockout, there was something left to be desired in the 'breast department.' Convinced that they could only be talking about her, she decided to remedy this flaw ASAP and, looking in the Yellow Pages under 'Breast Enhancement' found the number of a Dr. Mulrooney, called, and made an appointment for that very afternoon. When she arrived at the Doctor's offices, she was intrigued by a sign that said "Non Invasive Augmentations" ... and asked the doctor how it was possible to enlarge her breasts without any sort of surgical procedure. He instructed her to remove her blouse, and handed her a sheet of paper. "Now," he said, "I want you to rub your nipples and read this aloud, three times." Feeling silly, but bolstered by the doctor's encouraging nods, she did as she was told ... rubbing her nipples and reading out loud, "Scooby-doobies, Ooby-doobies, I would like some bigger boobies."Blushingly, she repeated the phrase two more times.The doctor then told her to get dressed, go back to work, and come back at the same time the following day. Confused, but willing to give it a chance, she went back to work and was quite astonished that by the time she was boarding the elevator she could sense a tugging stress at the buttons of her blouse ! Elated, but fearing that her newfound bosom might be only a temporary fix, she decided to do a little maintenance ... Making certain to be the last to get on the lift, she turned her back to the others, began to discreetly rub her nipples, and chant under her breath, "Scooby-doobies, Oobie-doobies ." After a moment, a fellow behind her leaned forward and quietly said, "Excuse me ... You must be patient of Dr. Mulroony's." "Uh ... Well, yes, I am ... But how on earth would you know that !?" The man then turned toward her, and whispered in her ear ..
"Hickory-dickory- doc ..."
The Custom A cowgirl, who was visiting Texas from Arkansas, walked into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. She sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finished them, she came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender approached and told the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replied, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters, and one for myself." The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it at that. The cowgirl became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way ... She would order three mugs, and drink them in turn. One day, she came in and only ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent. When she came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I'd like to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in her eyes and she laughed ... "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explained, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church, and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though."
Women Arrested After Bizarre Sex Sting (true story)
By Associated Press
SYRACUSE, N.Y. - A police sting took an odd turn when an officer
pretending to be a john met a suspected prostitute pretending to
be an officer.
Police spokesman Sgt. Tom Connellan said here's what happened
A male undercover officer driving in a neighborhood known for
prostitution was flagged down by a woman. The woman got in his car
and they went to a nearby parking lot to negotiate a price for sex.
She asked the officer if he was a cop and he said no.
"That's OK, because I am," the woman said as she pulled out
handcuffs and a two-way radio. She barked into the radio: "Move in!"
The officer, concerned the woman was armed and looking to rob him,
forced her from the car. Moments later, officers who had been
monitoring the situation arrived and grabbed Greene and her radio.
A male officer pretending to be female used the radio to find out
who was on the other end. That person was waiting in a car in a
Police charged Lisa Greene, 31, with first-degree criminal
impersonation, prostitution and fifth-degree conspiracy. Elena
Irwin, 20, was charged with fifth-degree conspiracy and possession
of a hypodermic needle.
"We believe these people were going to rob people or extort money,"
He did not know if they had successfully used the scam in the past.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take
them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room
he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come
again! One, two, three, uh," all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get
The second dwarf shook his head. . . "You think that's
embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
Predictions that missed the mark
In 1894, the president of the Royal Society, Lord Kelvin, predicted
that radio had no future. The first radio factory was opened five
years later. He also predicted that heavier-than- air flying machines
were impossible. Today, there are more than one billion radio sets
in the world, tuned to more than 33 000 radio stations around the
world. The Wright Brother's first flight covered a distance equal
to only half the length of the wingspan of a Boeing 747.
In the early 20th century a world market for only 4 million
automobiles was made because "the world would run out of
chauffeurs." Shortly after the end of World War II (1945), the
whole of Volkswagen, factory and patents, was offered free to Henry
Ford II. He dismissed the Volkswagen Beetle as a bad design. Today,
more than 70 million motorcars are produced every year. The Beetle
became one of the best-selling vehicles of all time.
The telephone was not widely appreciated for the first 15 years
because people did not see a use for it. In fact, in the British
parliament it was mentioned there was no need for telephones because
"we have enough messengers here." Western Union believed that it
could never replace the telegraph. In 1876, an internal memo read:
"This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. " Even Mark Twain, upon being invited
by Alexander Graham Bell to invest $5 000 in the new invention,
could not see a future in the telephone.
Irish scientist, Dr. Dionysius Lardner (1793 - 1859) didn't believe
that trains could contribute much in speedy transport. He wrote:
"Rail travel at high speed is not possible, because passengers '
would die of asphyxia' [suffocation] ." Today, trains reach speeds
of 500 km/h.
In 1943, Thomas Watson, the chairman of IBM forecast a world
market for maybe only five computers." Years before IBM launched
the personal computer in 1981, Xerox had already successfully
designed and used PCs internally.. . But decided to concentrate
on the production of photocopiers.
In 1894, A.A. Michelson, who with E.W. Morley seven years earlier
experimentally demonstrated the constancy of the speed of light,
said that the future of science would consist of "adding a few
decimal places to the results already obtained."
Perhaps the guy who got it wrong most was the director of the
US patent Office: in 1899 he assured President McKinley that
"everything that can be invented has already been invented."
To prophesy is extremely difficult - especially with regard to
the future. - Chinese proverb