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This That And Frog Hair2: Saturday's Early Edition

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Saturday's Early Edition


A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study
of 'obsessive-compulsi ve disorder'.
They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day
after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing
convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned
a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an
extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her
eyes.
"I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A man and wife were both in an Internet Business, but it was the husband
who truly lived, ate and breathed computers. His wife finally realized
how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said
"No, not there. Scroll down a little."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Working as a computer instructor for an adult education program at a
community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in the computer
knowledge between my younger and older students. This was confirmed the
day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the
encyclopaedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. "What are all these
books?" he asked. Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were
encyclopaedias. His response told it all. "Really?" he said, "Someone
printed out the whole thing?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog
sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She
seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up
just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle
bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine,"
she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if
that dog hadn't honked..."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous thing I see is
a sign that reads:
"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER. "
So I call and say, "I have an ace and a six, the dealer
has a seven... What do I do?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A Sunday-school teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before
meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that
church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does
you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
And Jerry answered, "He says 'Go easy on the butter, kids -- it's forty
cents a pound!'"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning
and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no
response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The
dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?"
No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you
talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?!"


Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper
was being cross-examined on the witness stand.
The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and
blue lights flashing?"
"Yes, sir, they were."
"Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
"Yes, sir, she did."
"And," looking at Judi, "what was it she said?"
"She said, 'What disco am I at?'"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A young (blonde) bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket.
Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The
store manager noticed this and went over to her.
"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked.
"I's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."
"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?"
"Scratch," she replied.
"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"
"No silly," she replied brightly. "My her husband told me that
his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The Wal-Mart Greeter:
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart
.....Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the
oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins?...... .. Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's
permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that
we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way,
he passed a book store and, being intrigued by a display in the
window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The
point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store
because he'll get verse before he gets butter!" (
~~< * >~

Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I
came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that
puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents. I finally
realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed
to a church. But at first I thought I was processing one of our
company's most momentous pieces of freight. The description read,
"Instructions for the Assembly of God."

~~< * >~
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a
break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother
picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a
Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped
the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got
Mom! And they want money!"

~~< * >~
There were two men exploring the Andes Mountains. The first one asked
the other "What made you decide to explore these mountains?" The
second man said, "My daughter started taking trumpet lessons. I
wanted to get as far away as I could, so I didn't have to listen to
her until after she mastered the instrument!"

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