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This That And Frog Hair2: I love White Trash Wed!! How 'bout Ya?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I love White Trash Wed!! How 'bout Ya?


START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 150 in less than 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on he robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

************ ***
We had set up a hobby beehive at our family cottage, and now only
needed some bees. My aunt said she knew a woman who had a bee farm
and could supply us with them. I wondered aloud if we'd have to pay.
"Of course you will," she replied with a grin, "After all, there
are no freebies in this world."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

Here are my own effective techniques for handling telemarketers.
These are NOT politically correct.

When a woman calls and asks for my husband, I start in with "You
hussy! I told that son of a b---- that he better not have his
women call here anymore. You just tell me where you are, because
I'm coming after you!"

Or if a man calls for my husband, I say, "You queer! He swore
he wasn't going to be screwing around anymore with faggots! You
better go get tested because he hasn't been using condoms!"

Invariably, people hang up. (By Margaret Connery)

@>`~~~~>,~~~
I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I
welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for
me to turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them
inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because
I don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box
shows "Private Caller" my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.

One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you
electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say,
"Please stay on the line for an important message." They actually
expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before
getting around to selling you something.

The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical
music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the
telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertisers voice,
"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next
available representative will be with you shortly." I let the music
play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.

Finally I turned off the music and said, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?"

"Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids,
I've got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a
pizza so the heartburn will be coming on soon."

"I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some
of our exciting travel packages that."

I interrupted her, "You don't really care about how I'm doing
do you?"

"Why, sure I do?"

"You want to come over and throw some horse shoes?"

"Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and
tell them about our travel packages."

"You can use my phone. Come on over."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Of course I like you sir."

"So why won't you come over?"

"Well, I'm working."

"I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little
fatback if you'd like."

"Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check
on that."

"Okay, how about tomorrow then?"

"I can't. I'm working."

"How about the day after tomorrow then?"

"Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people
I call."

"Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?"

"That's just a courtesy."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Yes sir. I like you just fine."

"You want to come over and throw some horse shoes?"

(click)


@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Two hundred miles off the coast of New Orleans the largest oil
reserve is believed to have been discovered. It could increase
our reserves by 50 percent and be worth over $15 billion. This
reserve could cut the price of gas by a penny!"
--Jay Leno

@>`~~~~>,~~

"Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005
and third-straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial
average. On the bright side, your Social Security money isn't in
there yet." --Amy Poehler

@>`~~~~>,~~

"Good news for out-of-towners. Crime in New York City is at an all
time low. The bad news is that it's our leading industry." --Dave
Letterman

@>`~~~~>,~~

"This week we're coming to you from Las Vegas. I went to "New York,
New York" last night. That place is nice. I don't care much for
the casino across the street. "Cleve- land, Cleveland". --Jay Leno

@>`~~~~>,~~

"She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint."
--Billy Connolly

@>`~~~~>,~~
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you
yell the name will carry." --Bill Cosby

@>`~~~~>,~~
Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding an
injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived at the
scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But according
to the local newspaper, the police report stated that the dog was
okay and "refused medical treatment."

My wife and I were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed me
by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of
the Statue of Liberty.

"How in the world did you know that?" I asked.

Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh...the seven original
colonies!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
This lady goes to the drug store to buy her husband some
toiletries. A clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some
assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband," she says,
"but I don't know what type he uses."

"Is it the ball type?" The clerk asks.

"No," replies the lady, "it's for his underarms."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

Knowing that my fianc?'s mother is an avid bird-watcher, I planned
an intimate get-to-know- you picnic for the three of us at Dream
Canyon in Colorado. I'd heard a rumor that nude sunbathers sometimes
frequented the place, but having been there twice and never seen
one, I tagged the location as safe. Fifteen minutes into our
picnic, our idyllic spot was overrun with nude men. Aghast, we
ate quickly, and then I ushered my future mother-in-law toward the
exit. On our way out, I spotted a native bird in a tree and said,
"Look, Mom, it's a Colorado downy woodpecker." She replied, "Well,
we've seen a lot of native Colorado peckers today, haven't we?"

After eight years of playing guitar on Times Square
sidewalks in nothing but cowboy boots, a hat and a pair
of briefs, New York City's "Naked Cowboy" is taking his
naked ambition to the next level.
He's working on a debut album as part of his plan
for "dominating the commercial landscape of the world."

The Top 5 Songs on the Naked Cowboy's Album

5> Tennessee Warts

4> These Buns Are Made for Flauntin'

3> Wind Beneath My Wang

2> Blue Ass Freezing in the Rain

and Topfive.com' s Number 1 Song on the Naked Cowboy's Album...

1> There's a Kind of Rash (All Over My Butt)

@>`~~~~>,~~~
It had been a great year. He had never had as fine a wheat crop in
all his years of farming. He was able to fill not only the large silo
but the two smaller ones as well. And he had sold his crop at a
premium price. Unfortunately, the day before the tankers were to
arrive to pick up his crop a major storm hit and the roof on the main
silo leaked. Using their powerful vacuums the workers tried to
deliver the wheat crop from the silo into the tankers but were
unsuccessful. When they asked the farmer what he wanted done, he
answered, "If at first you don't suck seed, try dryer grain


Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The
general
practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a
duck...
it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses, and the bird flies
away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks
through the pages of a bird manual, and says,

"Hmmmm. Green wings, yellow bill, quaking sounds....might be a duck." He
raises his gun to shoot, but the bird is long gone.

Then a thrid bird flies over. The surgeon raises hig gun and shoots.
Almost
without looking, he brings the bird down and turns to the patholigist
and
says,

"Go see if that was a duck."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Recently we have received credible intelligence that
there have been seven terrorists working in your office.

Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin
and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody.

At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh
cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.

We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin
will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
One day a minister noticed a kitten had climbed up a tree in his back-
yard but was afraid to come down. He coaxed, offered warm milk and a few
other goodies, but the kitty just would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the minister decided that if
he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he
could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then
figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree
went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air, out of sight.
The minister, of course, felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood,
asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a
stray kitten.So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and
went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church
members.He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat
food.
Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl
had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days
before,
the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl,
"Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the minister, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on
her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, you won't believe this, but I
saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky,
with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."

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