Monday, Monday, Its Another Wonderful Day
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Weird Fact of the Day
The word "America" comes from the European explorer "Amerigo Vespucci.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo. One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers." "What the hell does he got that I haven't got?" And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?" And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do." "But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?" The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "What was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They see a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them says, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they see a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman says, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen says, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
SO WHAT ! !
Benjamin Franklin invented the rocking chair. (Was he holding a kite at the same time?)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Scientists have been measuring the speed of light for three centuries, and they have it down to an accuracy of half a foot per second. The speed of light is 186, 282.3959 miles per second.( I knew that light switch was fast !!)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Thanks to the electric light, the average American today sleeps 1.5 hours less each day than Americans of 60 years ago. (Thanks Edison - *%$#$@ )
@>`~~~~>,~~~
BUT - It takes 8.5 minutes for light to get from the sun to earth.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Detroit policeman William L. Potts is credited with inventing the modern street traffic light in 1920. He worked out an electric light system that allowed him to control three street intersections from one tower He picked the red, yellow and green because railroads used them. (It figures that a policeman would invent it)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Close to two million people who go to hospitals in the United States for one ailment wind up catching another. (Cough - Cough)
The electric automobile self-starter was invented to make it possible for women to drive without a companion, who was previously needed to crank the engine. (Probably invented by a woman - dammm)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Pedals were added to the bicycle in 1839. (Before that, downhill was probably the only option).
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Pearls melt in vinegar. (Guess you can keep them in your cookie jar then )
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Minus forty degrees Celsius is exactly the same temperature as minus forty degrees Fahrenheit. (But it's still too cold)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
In July, 1950, a patent was issued for an automatic spaghetti-spinning fork. (Damm, and I never bought one.)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
It is estimated that a plastic container can resist decomposition for as long as 50,000 years. (Does that mean we have to recycle it or burn it ??)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Lee De Forest, the inventor of the radio tube, was tried for fraud in 1913. He was accused of tricking the public into buying stocks in his company, the Radio Telephone Company, by making "absurd and deliberately misleading" claims about the possibility of transmitting the human voice across the Atlantic Ocean. (Hope they didn't hang him from a "Pole")
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. (Ya, go ahead and try to do it..)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH". (I wonder how many more ??)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. (Think about it, - Foul balls, Home Runs, and scratches on the cover !!)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. - ( SCARY!!! )
@>`~~~~>,~~~
All polar bears are left handed. (Now who in the hell checked that out???)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The bubbles in Guinness Beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top like all other beers. No one knows why. (Who's going out and buy a bottle and check ).
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on "Scooby-Doo." (Please, don't anyone ask me who he is !!)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. (I wonder if there are any women like that out there?)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Anteaters prefer termites to ants. (Put one in your basement then ..)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. (Poor kid .....)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The car in the foreground on the back of a $10 bill is a 1925 Huptmobile. (OK, pull one out of your wallet and look..)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A species of earthworm in Australia grows up to 10 feet in length. (I wonder how big their Bass are down there.)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat droppings.) (Glad I don't drink Rum...)
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead. (OK gals, get on the scales then..)
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Clark Gable used to shower more than 4 times a day. (Frankly my dear, I don't give a damm.)
DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
~ Girlfriends and Sisters Week I am only as strong as the VODKA I drink, the hairspray I use and the friends I have.To the cool women that have touched my life. Here's to you!
National Girlfriends DayWhat would most of us do without our sisters, confidants and shopping, lunching, and traveling girls? Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake! TO MY GIRLFRIENDS! If you get this twice you know you have more than one girlfriend. Be Happy!
PLEASE SHARE THIS WITH ALL OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fas hion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ! p;ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Share This With all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!
posted by lilfeathers2000 at 10:28 PM
<< Home