START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this." He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy." So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to- mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?" "Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"
"My Favorite Quote" When You Feel Like You've Reached The End Of Your Rope Tie A Knot......."And Hang On!!! ...Franklin D. Roosevelt..
Instructions For Life) A word to the wise isn't necessary, - It's the stupid ones who need the advice
Forget What You Didn't Do Yesterday
"Oh Oh !" A bill before the California state legislature is helping to curb some of the state's most frequent violaters and scofflaws of California's traffic and speeding laws.
- Especialy since the judges have been handing down jail time for repeat offenders.
- The bill if passed into law, would allow prisoners to have condoms. About the only thing worse than jail time would be finding out your cellmate may be expecting a large shipment from Trojan.
"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." - Fletcher Knebel
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time reinvesting my profits into buying more apples." "Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?" "Nah", said the old man, "my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Weird Fact of the Day:
Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done.
A seasoned old hippie had just returned from a trip abroad and
visited his doctor with an odd problem. "Doc," he said, "Ever since I
got back from overseas I feel like I need to whiz all the time but
hardly anything ever comes out." The doc could not resist the
hippie's delicious set-up and replied, "Hmm. Trouble with your peein'
vacations, eh? Tell me, where did you go?" Without hesitating, the
freak went, "Euro-nations."
One afternoon The Sea rolled into the office of Dr. Alfred Werner,
clinical psychologist. The doctor smiled; he hadn't seen his old
friend in ages. "Well, well! Long time no sea! How are you doing? "
"Swell, " replied the Sea saltily. "Then what, Pacifically, is the
problem? " "Well, " the Sea swished sadly, "I'm getting tired of just
going in and out. Every day, in and out, in and out, in and--" "I
understand, " Dr. Werner interrupted hastily, "but I fear there's
nothing to be done about it. For you see, my friend, you're just fit
to be tide. "
A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no, I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I
double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I
told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every
time they have accepted my American Express."
The other day I went to a local Christian choir service and
saw a " Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. So I bought
the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Going home, I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He's been
to me and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It was a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he
hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS
of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy
behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of
his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What
an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and
started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even
honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back
seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good
luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so
I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My
grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I
bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got
through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had
shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave
them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
My long-passed grandmother' s birthday is coming up,
and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we
used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would
make to pick me up so could spend weekends with her,
and the advice her used to give!
Much was wasted because I was so young. If she were
alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a
better man. Those gems were all good, but the one I
remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly
advice, came when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children and their
mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that
one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. "And son,"
she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
And she answered, "Makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
An old one but very good!!!!
Who is Jack Schitt you ask?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for
a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only
son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner
of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son,
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently
returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can